Hows
Synopsis
One messy situation.
Three point of views.
A bucketful of hows.
A/N:
Stuck in ECQ, so here we go again.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of DC, only the plot- or the lack thereof.
Ran
A dinner in candlelight seems fitting for a second-year anniversary. Sweeping a look into the perfectly set table, a small sad smile etched its way into my fake indifferent mask. Yet I remain hopeful, not because I feel like there is still a light at the end of the poorly lit tunnel for us but because I don't know how to be anything else.
Am I always going to feel like this? I ask myself every morning, every moment right before I dry the last drop of sadness and disappointment against my face as my husband's ghost haunts his side of the bed.
So I fidget on the chain that I willingly and still proudly wear on my finger. It particularly feels heavier today.
My phone rang and his sweet voice that I crave the most brought yet another blow.
" Ran, I'm sorry. I'm stuck in a case. I'll run a little bit late for dinner but Ai just arrived and she's helping me figure it all out faster so I could be home sooner. Happy Anniversary. I love you."
Of course. Of course, he would. I'll honestly be surprised if I still get surprised at all.
Two years of marriage and Shinichi is barely at home.
He's always after the truth.
He's always running after criminals.
I started feeling like he's running away from me.
How can someone chose to spend the rest of his life with you, then made you feel so unchosen?
Ai
" Ai, I need your help"
I swore as I burrowed my face on my pillow. I dread these types of messages and calls from him.
Not because I don't want to help him but because I could not help not doing so. It doesn't even matter if I'm in the middle of an experiment, a date, or sleep. I always run to him.
I could keep going but above all, I hate it because it sparks a feeling of happiness and relief.
That the famous detective genius, Shinichi Kudo, still needs me.
That I am still a part of his life no matter how I try to get him out of mine.
How can you lose someone who's determined to keep you?
2 years and I'm still baffled by my inability to find these answers on my head.
So I did what I do best, I got up and whipped my rob off to change into jeans and a red turtleneck.
I grabbed my brown coat by the door and looked back to my simple yet cozy apartment and promised myself that this won't be forever.
Someday I would be sipping on my sherry until I get myself feeling numb and good without worrying that he might need me for yet another case.
That I might need to pry him from the beer on his hand and adamantly remind him of the wife that's surely waiting for him at home.
That I might have to drive him home as he passes out on the passenger seat, saying things like " I wish I could have been braver. "
" I don't know how to look at her and not feel guilty"
And my personal nemesis, " I didn't want her to lose me, but I don't want to lose you"
I closed my eyes and breathe, willing the memories away.
Not now. They can come back for me later but not tonight.
Because I still have to help the foolish detective so that he could go home to his wife.
If only it is easy to walk away. To forget the last meaningful gaze he gave me before he led her to the altar. To unfeel how he shook as he enveloped me in a tight embrace as they bid goodbye for their honeymoon.
To unhear the words he repeatedly whispered.
" I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"Please don't leave"
How can you give up on someone who gave you so much?
Shinichi
As expected, Ai really made everything easier. I don't know where it started but she has become someone that I know I could rely on. And lately, I have been pretty much banking on that fact.
She's number one on my speed dial, even my colleagues and friends know that she's the first person to call whenever they don't know what to do with me.
She always comes.
No matter how she said she hated being my keeper,
How she cursed and murdered me with her blazing furious eyes after yet another drunken episode at some bar.
How she repeatedly threatened to leave my sorry, foolish ass on the street as I clutch the familiar outline of a beer bottle.
Despite her swearing that she'd never come the next time, she still does.
She always does.
She always lectures me on how irresponsible I have become and how I am being so foolish to disregard my marriage.
She's right on both.
I have made a decision two years ago. I have made a decision I thought I could stand by, a promise that I thought I could fulfill.
I thought I could accept it. I thought my happiness relies on her happiness, and two years later, we're just so fucking miserable.
I could not give her the love she deserves simply by fulfilling both our childhood fantasy and giving her a ring.
And I couldn't help the fear on my chest whenever Ai does not pick up her phone.
How can you not be happy with a perfect life? A perfect wife? And a perfect realization of the picture you daydreamed about since you were a kid?
How can you keep someone that's not yours?
How can you convince yourself that you made the right decision when no one is truly happy about it?
When you can't even look your wife in the eyes and say that you love her and only her.
How can you unlove someone you can't breathe without?
A/N: This only meant to be a one-shot. However, I am finally working on the next chapter of The aftermath of Sherry so please stay tuned:)