There was soft knocking on her door. Olivia closed her eyes in hopes that it would go away, but it got slightly more urgent.
She cursed, it had been a while since she had unexpected visitor in the middle of the night. As her brain slowly woke up to the knocking, she suddenly remembered Noah. In a swift movement she grabbed a random hoodie from her closet and pulled it over her tank top. As a habit she also grabbed her service weapon and quietly sprinted to the door.
She stopped and peaked through the peephole and she half cursed; half laughed. Of course, it's him – who else would be at her door at this hour?
She opened the door to reveal her former partner.
His eyes were red and puffy, but he wasn't crying anymore.
"Fin gave me your address," he said weakly – that was so not like him.
She opened the door for him and quietly invited him in. He took the invitation with familiar silence and walked in. Part of her looked familiar, welcoming like nothing had changed, but part of her looked like a complete stranger.
He realized just then that he had never been to her new place before. It looked different than her old apartment. He noticed it had more of a warm welcoming motherly tone to it, there were odd toys around the place, and it looked more like home; her old apartment was more of a place to sleep.
"The place looks nice," he commented.
"Thanks," she replied a bit distractedly.
She looked around and glanced at the door to Noah's room.
"El, Noah's asleep," she said just in case.
Elliot nodded, he knew what it implied to. He sat down on her couch, which was way more comfortable than the old couch she had. She dropped her gun back to the bedroom and sat down next to him.
"Kathy's dead," he whispered.
"I'm so sorry," she replied.
Just like in the hospital he fell into her, he was hugging her and his head was on her shoulder. The tears escaped his eyes again. He clutched her back, wrapped both of his hands around her back and pulled her tight against him. He felt her hands closing around his shoulders and her returning the hug.
There was an odd sense of comfort and familiarity, that for a second made him forget about the loss of his wife. He nuzzled his nose more into her hoody – it felt so soft and it smelt like her. He breathed in fast, while his tears fell into her clothes. He moved his hands on her back, he felt her muscles and vertebra through the layers of her clothing.
"Elliot," she whispered, it sounded a bit like warning, a bit like acknowledgement of his actions. He stilled his hands not wanting to make her uncomfortable.
Something about it felt so right like he was supposed to be there all along. The distance and silence of past decade had vanished, even if it was only temporary. It felt like he was meant to be there all this time. He also realized that he doesn't ever want to let go of the familiar warmth of Olivia.
She could've been the only person in this world, who would catch him with no hesitation.
Elliot turned his head so his face was against her neck, his nose was against her neck, his lips almost touching her – his breath was hot and tickled her skin.
She sighed. It sounded like she let out a big gush of air she had been keeping inside. A breath that was part relief, part sense of recognition and part homecoming.
"Liv," he whispered hoarsely.
"I'm so sorry," she repeated once more.
"Olivia," he said and breathed out. It tickled her skin and she shivered.
"El," she responded.
He moved his face, his lips brushed against her neck briefly, but she didn't make a comment about it. He pulled away a bit, his hands remained on her back, but he created enough distance to look at her. Her hands remained loosely on his shoulders.
"I don't know what to do," he admitted hoarsely.
"You don't need to figure it out now," she said compassionately.
"My kids, they just lost their mother," he continued.
She nodded. "And they need you even more now," she said.
Elliot nodded; a hint of smile appeared at the thought of his children.
"Give them at least a few years before you bring another woman home," she attempted to joke.
He smiled weakly. "I'll give it five years," he agreed, though he wasn't sure if he was actually serious. He couldn't even bare the thought of another woman at the moment.
"Liv, what am I supposed to do now?" he asked seriously.
Olivia sighed and shrugged her shoulders.
"I love Kathy, I don't know how to do this without her," he said and started tearing up again.
"I know," she said in a painful whisper.
Her whisper woke something in him, something that made him fall into her again. He pushed her further into the couch cushions and held her tight against him.
As he breathed in the scent of her shampoo, shower gel, perfume, or lotion, he realized that this isn't given anymore. Olivia is no longer his. Not that she had ever been completely his, but her presence in his life is no longer given. He has only himself to blame. He always had himself to blame.
"I can't lose you now," he said harshly against her ear. He was raw, it was probably the rawest she'd seen him.
"I need you, Liv," he said.
And Olivia couldn't reply. She couldn't assure him that she'll be there, she couldn't say that she'd always be by his side. She couldn't open up her heart for him again, knowing full well that he might disappear again. He did it once, how could she trust him not to do it again?
But she couldn't say that to him.
"I'm here," was all that came out of her mouth.
She'd be lying if she said she didn't like having him around. If being held by Elliot didn't feel good. It was like coming home to her. He felt like home.
Somewhere he got lost in her. Maybe it was because he recognized the grey hoody she was wearing as something that had once belonged to him. Or maybe it was the way it fit her. And a little bit the fact that she had so casually thrown it on. And a part of him wished to see her wearing more of his clothes, to see if she looks good in all of them. A tiny part of him wanted to ask it back, so he'd have something that smelt like her. He wouldn't though.
Somewhere in the train of thoughts, the same old nagging thought passed his mind. The though of what it would feel like to kiss her, to sleep with her in his embrace, to wake up to her smile and to watch her come undone underneath him.
He nuzzled his nose and shook his head – he had just buried his wife, and 10 minutes ago he couldn't even imagine himself liking another woman, and now he's fantasizing of his partner. He knew he wouldn't act on it. Not yet anyway.
He breathed her in.
"Olivia," he whispered.
"Elliot," she responded by using his full name not the nickname she was accustomed to.
"Can I stay tonight?" he asked in a whisper. "I just… I can't… I don't…" he muttered, stopped and breathed in. "I don't wanna be alone tonight," he finished.
Her response surprised them both. "Yes," she said. But then again, she wasn't going to say no to him in this state.
"Thank you," he said with relief.
He pulled away from her again. He took one hand from her waist and used that to wipe away his tears.
"Liv, I'm sorry for the way I left," he apologized again. "I missed you more than you know, I just couldn't reach out to you. I owed it to my marriage and Kathy to give it a try. I knew if I called, I wouldn't have been able to leave SVU and I'd done anything to keep my job," he spoke quietly. His hand slipped on her thigh. "You're my partner, for better or worse," he added.
"Elliot," she whispered.
"I know. It was wrong, I should've called. I should've texted at least, I just couldn't. I couldn't hear your voice and tell you that I'm leaving. I knew if I saw you, I wouldn't have been able to turn my back. It was time for me to leave NYPD, I never wanted to leave you, but…" continued and took a break to find the words.
"I was your partner, I was part of NYPD," she finished for him.
He nodded.
"I just couldn't," he said heavily.
She nodded. In a way she understood, but it didn't mean that she liked it or that she was ready to forgive him and let him back into her life.
"I know," she said.
Olivia disentangled herself from him, she walked over to the bedroom to grab a spare blanket and pillow for him. When she turned around, she came face to face with him. She walked past him to make up the couch, he didn't follow her instantly.
She went back to the bedroom to find him sitting on the unoccupied side of her bed. She tilted her head.
"I'm sorry," he said automatically, not entirely sure why he was apologizing.
She sat down next to him and breathed heavily.
"You know it's not gonna be like it used to," she spoke the uneasy truth.
"I know," he replied heavily. "You're a Captain now," he said with a proud smile, "It's your squad. And we're not partners anymore," he finished.
Olivia agreed.
"I'm proud of you," he said, turned to look up at her and smiled again.
Olivia returned it.
"I always knew you'd make it one day," he said confidently. He had always known it, but he always thought he'd be by her side when it happened. He chose not to say it.
"I always thought you'd get the squad," she admitted.
He shrugged his shoulders.
The mood had shifted, it was lighter and some of the weight of past decade had been lifted, but surely it would still hang over them for a while.
"It's in good hands now," he said confidently. His face grew more serious, he looked a bit regretful. "I'm sorry I missed your promotions. I read your name as newly promoted Captain few years back. I was so proud," he spoke.
Olivia breathed out; she ran her hand over her face. She wasn't ready for this conversation.
"I know I missed a lot, and I know it's not like it was," he started.
"No," she said quickly.
"But I hope we can be friends again. I've missed you," he finished.
"Me too," she replied. She'll never forget how much it hurt, when he left and how much she's needed him over the years. All the tearful evenings, restless nights and days, when she missed having him by her side were all still there, all the hurt and pain remained, but they have started to heal just a little bit.
He reached out for her and took her hand.
"You need some sleep, you look terrible," she said, she smiled weakly.
He chuckled.
"Have you seen yourself lately?" he retorted.
They both laughed.
"I can't look worse than you," she said.
"No, you definitely look better than me," he agreed.
She smiled.
"But if you don't get your beauty sleep, you'll look worse than me," he added.
They laughed.
He looked over her grey hoody again. He used his free hand to run over the material, he remembered it being way softer, but time and countless washes had done its job.
"I think it used to be mine," he commented.
Olivia looked down. For a second she tried to remember if it was true. She couldn't remember how she had come to have it. But she remembered Elliot having similar grey hoody. And she remembered borrowing it a few times. She couldn't recall if she ever returned it.
"Maybe," she said.
"I gave it to you after the case where a wife accused ex-husband of rape and then he set her on fire. It was one of our first cases after you got back from your FBI undercover job," he said suddenly remembering. "You showed up by my apartment at 5 am with a cup of coffee. You were cold, so I gave that to you."
She smiled at the memory.
"I signed my divorce papers that day," he said with a heavy breath. "If we'd gotten a divorce, she'd still be alive."
"El, don't do this," she said quickly and squeezed his hand.
He squeezed back and for a moment tears were ready to fall again, he fought against them.
"I can't believe I've had this for 15 years," Olivia said suddenly to change the topic. How did this one item survive all of her spring cleanings and moves? That remained a mystery.
"I can't believe you still have it either," he said with lighter mood.
"Do you want it back?" she asked.
Elliot looked over it and continued running over it with his fingers.
"No, it's yours," he decided.
She remembered another thing from that night. She said that Elliot was the longest relationship she had ever had with a man. That statement was still true. It terrified her a bit, but at second thought she didn't find it terrifying at all.
He yawned.
"You're tired," she said.
He didn't protest. He let go of her hand and stood from the bed. She did the same.
"You have to be gone before Noah wakes up," she said suddenly remembering her son.
Elliot nodded.
He stopped on the doorway and turned to her.
"Good night, Liv."
"Good night, El."
He looked at her for a moment. "You look good," he complimented her, which surprised even him.
"Thanks," she said and lifted an eyebrow. "Remember no funny business, Stabler," she warned him playfully.
"You're a police Captain, who sleeps with a gun – I wouldn't dream of it," he replied with half-joke.
They laughed lightly, then he closed the door to her bedroom. She took off his sweatshirt and smelt that, even if it had once belonged to him and felt like him, there was no hint of him on it anymore.
Just like that, without even doing anything intentionally or even realizing it - they were back. They were still in sync, they could still anticipate what the other was thinking and they would have each other's back just the way they did before. And they could continue the banter squadroom had missed in the past decade. It will take a minute, but they are back.