This one is a mashup of some of my favorite JAG quotes and Bones quotes...writing this became a therapy for me after the deep, deep, deep denial I landed in after 22x10.
The main premise for this was inspired by the Bones episode The Doctor in the Photo. Also, I give credit where credit is due, so lines that are underlined came from or were heavily inspired by JAG or Bones.
As always, I only own the typos...
Some people say that it takes three days for your brain to adjust to a new reality. There are studies where people wear glasses that made the world appear to be upside down, and after three days, even without the glasses, the world still appeared upside down. Then, in turn, it took another three days without the glasses for the world to be right side up again. Moral of the story, though, three days was the magic number.
In this particular moment, Amanda Rollins didn't think that was true. It took one day for her world to flip, but it had been five days since she boarded a plane to Georgia to check in on her father and track down her twenty-five-year-old stepmother. It had also been five days since she was certain that Dominick Carisi was trying to tell her that he was seeing someone.
Five days.
Five whole days - nothing in her world made sense anymore, and she didn't know if it ever would again.
She knew she should be happy for him. He deserved to be happy. She wanted him to be happy. He had been a pillar in her life – a constant comfort in the sea of unknowns. There was a time when she feared his move to the DA's office would break them, but they slowly came back from that. They were settling into their routine again, and for being a detective she somehow managed to miss all of the signs that there was someone else in his life. But did she actually miss the signs? Was he just really good at hiding the evidence, or was she totally in denial? Either way, for as much as it hurt her, she had to remind herself that she dated multiple men right under his nose in the years they had known each other and one of those said men even fathered her second child. How could she really expect him to stay single forever until she figured out her own baggage and traumas? She knew it wasn't fair to him, but it still hurt her in a way she never thought was possible before. This hurt more than an actual breakup.
Even though she was gone for five days and had no idea what to say to him, she still had to communicate with him on a daily basis – but she kept their interactions as brief as possible. Her mom and Sienna took turns watching the girls during the day, but somehow, Sonny managed to get roped into the night shift responsibilities. He made the girls dinner, helped Jessie with her homework, read them bedtime stories, and soothed their cries when they said they missed her in the middle of the night.
He gave Jessie his phone every night at 7:30 – without fail- before bedtime preparations began, and Jessie would happily chat with her mother about all the fun things she was doing with Uncle Sonny. Amanda tried to ask questions like "Did you have fun with Grandma and your cousin today? Did Sienna take you to the park?" but Jessie would just shrug and offer vague answers. She was much more concerned with telling her mother how Uncle Sonny taught her to make lasagna, how he was even better at teaching letters than her teacher was, and how he fixed the braids in her hair that Billie messed up and they looked better than when Sienna did her hair.
With Jessie's gleeful little face talking about her godfather, Amanda's heart broke more and more. Soon enough, there would come a point where Sonny wouldn't be around to do those little things with her girls anymore. He has a girlfriend who probably wouldn't be too keen on the idea of him having weekly spaghetti nights with her and her girls. Then, eventually, that girlfriend would turn into his wife, and that wife would turn into the mother of his children, and while she knew he would never abandon Jessie and Billie, Amanda was sure there would be a time where they'd only see each other a handful of times a year. She pictured Sonny with some beautiful brunette Italian from Staten Island. They'd have a whole family of kids like his parents did with names like Dominick III, Lorenzo, Emilia or Luciana. They'd be the ones making fresh pasta every week for spaghetti night and he'd sing silly Italian Christmas songs with them like Dominick the Donkey while they decorated their Christmas tree. The thought brought tears to her eyes, but luckily Jessie didn't seem to notice.
"Hey, Jess, why don't you say goodnight to Momma and then go pick out a story." Amanda could hear Sonny say off camera.
"I don't wanna pick out a story. Can't you make one up?" Jessie asked, turning away from the phone to look at Sonny.
"Well, I suppose." He relented without a fight. "But why don't you say good night to Momma and then pick out your pajamas?"
"Okay," Jessie agreed as she turned her attention back to the camera. "Good night, Momma. I love you."
"I love you, too, baby. Sleep well." She blew a kiss and waved.
"Here, Uncle Sonny," Jessie said as she shuffled off to hand him the phone. "I'm all done talking to Momma. I said good night and I love you."
Shit, Amanda thought as Sonny brought the phone to his face. Sure, they communicated every day about the girls, but that was via text or voice call. Usually, Jessie was the one who ended the Facetime calls and she could avoid seeing him. She didn't know how she was supposed to look at him and pretend like everything was okay and normal between them. She prayed that they had a bad connection and maybe he wouldn't notice.
"Hey, how are you doing?" He asked sincerely, and her heart broke even more.
"I'm fine," she tried to answer casually, but her words came out way more curtly than she expected. She really wanted to scream –Stop being so nice to me; it only is making this harder.
"And your dad?"
"He's...better. His vitals have been stable for a while now, and his wife has been showing up lately, so there's not much more for me to do here. He has a long rehab road ahead of him, though. I'll be home tomorrow night – probably a little after midnight."
"I can pick you up from the airport. Text me the details."
"No, no. It will be late. Don't worry about it."
"I can see if Mia will sit with the girls?" He suggested.
"No," she shook her head. "It's fine. I'll take a cab."
He frowned. "That late at night?"
She rolled her eyes. "I'm a cop, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah," he snorted. "I remember, but you'll also be unarmed."
"I'm not your responsibility, Carisi," she snapped. "Don't worry about me."
He ignored her outburst. "Are you eating? Getting enough sleep?"
"You know, I uh, have to go. Kiss the girls for me," she said before hanging up the call before he had a chance to say anything else.
And now, here she was, returning to her apartment at nearly 4am. Her late flight was delayed several times for a litany of different reasons, and soon turned into getting home nearly four hours later than she expected. She had sent him several texts, assuring him that she was okay and told him not to wait up for her.
The apartment was dark and quiet, and she thought back to the time she returned after the NYE Amber Alert, and Carisi was asleep on her couch. She thought in that moment they were working towards something – towards being on the same page at the same time – but now she realized just how wrong she had been. Love is a chemical process which causes delusion. That's all. Perhaps when she thought she was in love with him, she was merely delusional and she was getting a high from it like she would if she was gambling. Maybe if she repeated that enough, she'd finally start to believe it. She knew it probably wouldn't do any good. She loved Dominick Carisi, but it was too late for them now. She missed her chance, and the regret would follow her forever.
Amanda left her suitcase by the door, tiptoed through the apartment and went directly to the girls' room. They were fast asleep and didn't even stir when she pressed kisses to their foreheads. She took note of all the little things in the bedroom that signified Sonny's presence in their lives, and wondered if they would still remain long after the bond between all them began to fade.
Jessie was snuggled in the knitted blanket Mrs. Carisi made for her christening gift. Billie was clutching Ellie the Elephant – a souvenir he bought her when they went to the zoo last summer – to her chest as if her life depended on it. There was a book on the night stand, lying face down to preserve the page – Biancabella and Other Italian Fairytales – and she knew that it was something he must have brought over while she was gone because it definitely wasn't there before.
After leaving the girls room, she stole a peak into her own room. She knew that she would find him sleeping in her bed – there was no way she'd expect him to sleep on her crappy couch for nearly a week – but she still wasn't prepared for onslaught of emotions that flooded her at the sight. It looked so natural – like he belonged there and should have been there all along. But it stung at her heart to know that he was sleeping in her bed without her. Five days ago – before the knowledge that he had a secret girlfriend – she would have silently crawled into her bed and never gave it another thought. They would have woken up together in the morning and maybe, just maybe, it would have been the push they needed to address the five-hundred-pound gorilla in the room when it came to their relationship. But now? Now that was completely off the table. She missed her chance.
She slowly retreated from the bedroom and went to the couch. She figured she'd sleep there for a few hours before the girls woke up and Sonny gathered up all his things for his departure. It was probably about an hour and a half later when she could smell coffee – good coffee – and opened her eyes.
When she opened her eyes, she found Sonny sitting on the edge of the coffee table holding a mug out to her. "Hey."
"Hey, yourself," she replied groggily as she moved to sit up. Tentatively, she reached out to take the coffee mug from him.
"I, uh, know I you got back a lot later than you expected, and I probably should have let you sleep longer... but I remember hearing you say to Jessie that the coffee was bad there, and thought maybe you'd like this before I left. I have to go home and get a clean suit for work."
"Thank you," she said. She took sip and savored the flavor – wondering how many more of these she'd get to experience before her number was up. She was sure she was on borrowed time. For some reason, when Sonny made her coffee, or brought her coffee, it was a million times better than any other coffee she had before. She thought back to when Hasim brought her coffee a few days ago– and how he even remembered how much cream and sugar she liked – the gesture had been sweet, and she was appreciative – but it wasn't the same feeling she got when Sonny would appear with a coffee and donut for her randomly while they were working a case.
"Why did you sleep out here instead of your own bed?" He asked curiously.
Her eyebrows nearly reached her hairline. "Uh, I didn't want to get you in trouble with your girlfriend." She tried to play it off as making some kind of joke, but her tone oozed contempt and she truly couldn't stop herself.
He made a face that she couldn't quite decipher. "Listen, Amanda, can we talk about some things?"
She took a deep breath and held the mug tightly – trying steady her shaking hands. "Do we need to?" She asked – her voice sounding defeated. "You're seeing someone...that's what you were going to tell me when I made that joke about you having a date."
"Amanda..." He started softly.
"You don't owe me an explanation. You deserve to be happy – to be with someone who makes you happy. I know you won't be spending as much time here anymore; I'll learn to adjust to that. You've literally been a lifeline to me since Jessie was born, but now I have to let go. I have to let go of that lifeline before it becomes a noose to both of us."
"Amanda..." This time he was a bit more forceful.
"And I know what you're going to say – that you'll never abandon the girls...and I believe you, you are the best godfather in the whole entire world. The girls will be okay. I promise. Your family will have to take precedent and that's the way it should be. The girls will love having cousins," she forced herself to laugh, but it sounded more like a sob than a laugh. "Priorities have to change. I get that."
"Damn it, Rollins! Will you just let me say something?" He finally snapped, and Amanda had to wonder if she had ever been on the receiving end of this level of anger from him before. She watched as he pushed himself up from the coffee table and began pacing in front of her. It was completely unlike him.
"I'll shut up," she replied, leaning further into the couch cushions, eyes wide as she waited to see his next move. "The floor is all yours."
He was loud – that Italian trait of his coming out more when he was angry – but he did his best to control his volume and not wake up the girls. "Yes...I was seeing someone..."
Was.
The word hung in the air and Amanda was sure her brain was playing tricks on her – it was making her hear what she wanted to hear – that was all.
"Allie. That's her name. She works for the ACLU – she's an attorney. We met a CLE credit seminar last month and we just kinda hit it off, you know? We connected. She's smart, and funny, and comes from big Irish family that surprisingly sounds a lot like my Italian family. She has beautiful natural red hair that falls to her shoulders in soft waves..."
Amanda gulped down her coffee, trying to suppress the sudden urge she had to throw up as her brain betrayed her with mental images that she did not want.
"...And we had fun together -when I was with her, I could pretend my problems didn't exist. She laughed at my dumb jokes, she listened when I complained about work; she listened when I practiced my closing arguments. But do you know what?"
"What?" Amanda forced herself to say, her eyes studying him intently.
"She's. Not. You."
"What?" she repeated, this time, barely a whisper.
He ran his hands through his hair, and finally stopped pacing – coming to sit on the edge of the coffee table directly in front of her again. "She's not you," he repeated, this time much softer. "I don't think that I'll ever feel about anyone else the way that I feel about you."
Amanda opened her mouth to say something – anything – but she couldn't make the words come out at first. Finally, after a long moment, she said. "That's very...flattering. One bit of advice? Don't tell your girlfriend that. She may not understand."
"Do you understand?" At her blank stare, he figured she probably didn't, so he continued with his tirade. "I realized I was using her...to fill a void. When I was with her...I was still thinking about you, and I thought maybe with some time that would fade...but I don't think it would and it's not right to string her along like that. But, yeah...I was supposed to meet her the night your dad's doctor called, but the minute I saw your face when you hung up the phone, everything shifted for me. It's always been you, Amanda. Anytime you need me, I'll drop everything. Always. I wanted nothing more than to get on that plane with you and be there for you when you had to face whatever ghosts were sure to pop up in Atlanta, but I knew I had to be here to take care of the girls. I knew they needed me while you were away. So...I ended things with Allie because that's not fair to her. She deserves to be with someone who thinks of her the same way I think of you, and I can't be that guy...not right now at least."
"What are you saying?"
He chuckled dryly. "I'm saying that I would do anything for you. I would die for you. I would kill for you, but I have no idea what we are to each other...or how to define us. It's like we're in some damn relationship purgatory, and I have no idea if we are on the same page or not, but we need to talk about it. We need to have a discussion because I need to know. If we're never going to be anything more than friends, I need to know because for as long as there's this big question mark following us, I can't move forward. This what if game...it's torture...I can't be with someone else if there is even a glimmer of hope that maybe someday-oomf..."
Anything else he was going to say died on his lips because Amanda placed her coffee cup on the end table and then propelled herself forward so she was sitting in his lap. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and she kissed him with everything she had in her.
At first, he was surprised – maybe even a little startled at the contact. But as soon as his brain caught up to what was happening, he responded with equal passion as his hands came to rest against her waist. They were like two parts of the same whole – a perfect match.
"Does that answer your question?" Amanda finally asked when they pulled away from each other, her skin flushed and her heart fluttering at an unthinkable pace. Her fingertips ghosted his face and he didn't shave yet so the stubble felt rough against her skin – in the best possible way.
For as much as he wanted to say yes, he couldn't. He needed to hear the words – for her to verbalize it. "I need to hear the words, Amanda," he whispered – pressing his forehead against hers. "I need a concrete answer."
"I'm scared," she admitted. "I'm so afraid of messing this up, but I want to give a shot. A real shot."
"Yeah?" he asked, the grin on his face already forming. "You do?" His palm came to the side of her face and pushed her hair behind her ear.
"I do." She let out a small laugh. "I had Chinese at the airport. Do you know what my fortune cookie said? I thought it was taunting me, actually..."
"What was your fortune?"
"Your unspoken desire is the road not taken. Take it."
His eyes crinkled when he smiled at her. "And you want to take the road not taken with me?"
"Yes," she answered firmly. "I don't want to have regrets. We owe it to ourselves to see where this can go." She knew it would require a lot of hard work, but she truly did feel like this could be their forever. Their eternity.
"You can set the pace," he told her. "But I want to do this right. I want take you on dates, spoil you with food, take care of you, buy you flowers. All of that stuff."
He already did all of that (even the flowers, although he never would admit it. She knew that there wasn't a Flower Fairy that magically appeared on Mother's Day, her birthday, and Valentine's Day with flowers and cards attached from Jessie and Billie. She knew he was the mastermind – and credit card- behind it all) but the sentiment made her feel something she never entirely experienced before. "You can start by kissing me again. You're a good kisser."
"Oh, yeah? You should see what else I'm good at," he wagged his eyebrows at her before leaning into kiss her again.
She let out a dreamy sigh. There wasn't a trace of awkwardness between them. Sometimes, she thought there was a moment for two people. A single moment where they can either catch fire or they can burn out. She was very happy to report that they didn't miss their moment. They caught fire. Lots of it. "Mmm, one more thing," she started, her palms resting flat against his chest. "I want you to collect on that raincheck. That can be our first date."
He was confused for a moment before he remembered that night she appeared in his office in that sexy black shirt, flipped her hair, and offered him a drink or three. Turning her down, had been one of his biggest regrets, but he knew what happened the last time they had a few too many drinks and he didn't want to live with that kind of heartache again. That was why he told her no. Although, judging by how adamant she was about that being their first date, maybe she did come to his office with that in mind all along and he was stupid to turn her down. Why did hindsight always have to be twenty-twenty, he wondered.
"Will you wear that outfit again?" He asked with a smirk.
She nodded.
"Deal." The thought of a redo was enticing, he would not even try to deny that.
"You think Mia would want to babysit tonight?"
"Tonight?" He was mildly surprised. "You sure you're up to it after the week you had?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Dominick, I spent the last five days preparing myself for the moment you'd step out of my life, but now that I know you aren't going anywhere, I don't want to waste any more time. And I want to see how you turn on the Carisi charm," she grinned – even though there was a little part of her that couldn't help but to think about him using the Carisi charm on other women, and that's not something she wanted to imagine.
"I'll call Mia on my way to the office," he mumbled against her lips as they kissed again.
Five days.
It took five days for her world to turn right side up again, but after realizing everything she could lose, Amanda knew that that from this day forward, she would fight for everything she could gain.
And spending an eternity with him, seemed pretty damn nice in her opinion.
And now everything is right in my world again until Thursday ...when surely SVU is going to turn it upside down again. But we'll just have to deal with that at another time.