Written for Everlark Fic Exchange Spring 2021: Prompt 156 - Toastbaby's perspective from the womb throughout pregnancy. Bonus points from post-birth moments. [submitted by lovely-to the-bone]
Okay, so I tweaked this prompt just a little… Instead of post MJ, this story will coincide with my Hunger Games rewrite (Changing the Game, Another Way Out, and TBA) Toastbaby's perspective from inside the womb as Katniss goes through the arena and her time in 13. I hope you guys like it and if you are interested in some of the things "Little One" hears/experiences, then you should check out my stories. You can find them on A03 and FFN.
SPOILER ALERT: Anyone reading my stories, "Changing the Game" or "Another Way Out" this story DOES contain spoilers for events yet to come.
Also, as I was writing this story, a memory resurfaced from when my kids were little, and I would take them to Temple on Friday nights for Tot Shabbat. Before I give you my story, here is a little background on Leilah, the Angel of Conception.
You know that little indentation above your lips, and (under your nose? Okay, well, keep that in mind) So, the story goes that the Angel Leilah chooses which souls inhabit which seeds and accompanies them in the womb, teaching them all the knowledge of the Torah (Hebrew Bible, ((I think)). So, while the "baby" is in the womb, it has all the knowledge and answers in the world and when you are born, your lungs fill with air, which results in crying and Leilah tells the baby to "Ssshhh" and presses her finger to their lips, which is what causes that little indentation and thus, wiping their memory…and they have to learn everything all over again. (At least that's how I think it goes) Anyway, I really wanted to incorporate that story into this one, so here goes.
The Hope that gave me hope
"Listen closely child, your next journey will not be an easy one. The world has taken a turn for the worst; war and famine has devastated much of what remains, ruled by a callous tyrant. However, you will be conceived to a pair of great importance. Together, they will change the world for the better, but not before enduring many hardships. There will be pain, heartache, and deep suffering, but the end result will be well worth the struggle."
Little One, squirmed in place as the Creator described her next assignment.
"A-are you certain they are the right ones for me?" Little One asked the Creator uncertainly, although she knew the answer.
"I am certain, Child," his voice boomed, "Do you doubt me? Have I ever led you astray?"
"No Sir," Little One faltered.
"Have faith, Child," the Creator continued, his voice much softer. "Now go on. Off you go."
"But . . . I am frightened Sir," Little One stumbled, shrinking back with her fear.
"What is there to be frightened of, my Child?"
"I do not enjoy the solitude, perhaps you could accompany me on my journey?"
The Creator laughed at Little One, his voice rattling the ground, "You will not be alone Child, Leilah will be with you the entire way. She will not leave your side in the womb, not for a single moment. She will spend her time teaching you all the knowledge of the world—"
"So that I may share it with my . . . what are they called again— parents?"
The Creator shook the earth again with his laughter, "Yes, they are called parents. And no, you may not share it with them. Leilah will be waiting for you on the outside just before your entrance into the world and the moment your lungs fill with air, your consciousness of her given knowledge will be erased. You must rely on your parents for wisdom and guidance."
"But Sir— what is the point?" Little One asked, her face contorting into a confused expression.
"No more questions, Little One, it is time for you to descend. Time is of the essence; Leilah has chosen the perfect . . . ah . . . specimen for you to inhabit, but like I said, time is of the essence."
"I have one more question Sir, if I may."
"Yes Child?"
"What will be the names of my . . . parents?" Little One asked.
The Creator chuckled at her question, "Katniss and Peeta," he said, patting her on the head just before he sent her on her way.
Gestation Period: Weeks 1-4
'It's dark. But I'm warm. I'm comfortable. I think I like it in here.' Little One thought to herself as she burrowed herself deep inside her mother's womb, her cells multiplying at the perfect rate.
Gestation Period: Week 6-8
Although her ears are not developed just yet and she cannot hear a thing, Little One can sense that her mother is distraught and plagued with sadness. 'Why are you sad, Mother?' Little One pondered.
"It is okay Little One, your mother is just frightened. She and your father just became aware of your existence and face many challenges ahead," Leilah's voice bounced against the walls of Little One's new home.
'Oh,' Little One thought to herself. 'Do . . . do they not want me; will I make it to my day of birth?' Little One communicated, fearful of Leilah's answer. Little One knew that sometimes certain essences were not compatible with certain pairings and their journeys came to an end before it even had the chance to begin. Little One hoped this was not the case for herself.
"No dear, it is not that. They are frightened because the world they live in is a harsh and cruel world. They never desired to have children of their own— they did not wish their circumstances onto another. But Little One, they already love you dearly, so do not fret. Everything will work out as it was meant to." Leilah soothed Little One and began her teachings of the world.
Gestation Period: Week 12-16
'What was that?' Little One interrupted Leilah during a particularly boring story.
"Do not be frightened Little One, you are just sensing the vibration of excitement surrounding your mother."
'What are they excited about— is their excitement geared toward me? And . . . and why do I sense discomfort in Mother?' Little One was enigmatically in tune with her mother's feelings and emotions, even from this early in her life.
"That is not for you to worry yourself over. Soon, within the next few weeks your ears will become more developed, and you will be able to hear so much more."
'But . . . how do I hear you if I cannot hear?' Little One asked, plagued with confusion.
Little One continued to ask question after question, so curious she was. And the kind, patient Angel that Leilah was did her best to answer them all— to the best of her ability.
'Why do I bounce up and down?' Little One asked several days later.
"Those are called hiccups," Leilah informed her.
'Well, I do not like them,' Little One retorted with a scowl. Though she did not know it, it very much resembled her mother's signature expression.
Leilah chuckled, "No, not many people do." Leilah smirked and continued her teachings of the world with Little One as she tried to mask her concern over the voices she heard.
"Oh, Katniss darling; we have missed you so much!" Someone on the outside crooned. Leilah feared the worst from the shrill voices shrieking on the outside. Those voices only meant one thing; Katniss, and most likely Peeta had returned to the Capitol, which meant they were headed back into the Games. It was just as the Creator predicted and she worried for Little One's life.
"Oh Katniss, Peeta, we're so-so, sorry!" The voices on the outside hiccupped as they sobbed.
"It's a . . . you're a . . . a bird, it's a—" a loud voice boomed, which caused Little One to bounce from side to side.
"A mockingjay," Leilah heard Katniss confirm to the loud voice.
'What is a mockingjay?' Little one piped up from her slumber.
Gestation Period: 18 Weeks
"Hey there little nut—"
'EEK!' Little One internally gasped. 'What was that, OH! I am frightened!' Little One called out in fear.
"Do not be alarmed Little One, it's just your ears that are working. It is your father's voice that you hear. Listen . . . he is speaking to you." Leilah spoke softly, encouraging Little One to listen.
Little One sat as still as she could and listened intently as the deep melodic voice of her father reverberated off the walls of her perfect home.
"I'm going to call you Little Nut since we don't know if you're a boy or a girl, I hope that's okay. This is your father; my name is Peeta."
'Peeta,' Little One tried the name in her head and smiled, deciding that she liked the way it sounded. 'Yes, it is okay for you to call me "Little Nut",' Little One longed to tell her father. She extended her arm up and waved her hand, wishing her father could see her new trick.
"Listen Nut, I'm not sure how we're going to make it out of the arena, but I am going to do everything in my power to get you and your mom out of there. I . . . I don't know if I'll ever get to meet you, but I just want you to know that . . . somehow, I WILL keep the two of you safe. And . . . I just want you to know how much I love you and that you are so loved. But don't you worry, you will have so many people to love you and take care of you and . . . I just don't want you to ever doubt my love for you. You will have your mommy, and yes, she is scared right now, but she will be the best mommy you could ever ask for; ever hope for. She is the strongest, bravest person I know, and she will teach you so much. When you get bigger, she'll teach you how to use a bow and arrow, and . . . and if you ever do something that upsets her, just bring her some cheese buns. Your Grandpa Bing can teach you how to make them, or your Uncle Rye. Cheese buns are her favorite; she won't be able to stay mad at you for long if you bring her cheese buns. Oh! In case you were wondering, Bing is my dad, and Rye is my brother."
'Cheese buns, gee, I hope I will remember that.' Little One knew she wouldn't, but she continued to sit in silence, soaking up her father's every word and finding solace in his soothing voice.
"Then there is your Aunt Prim. That's your mom's sister. Oh, she's going to fall in love with you the moment she sees you. Well, actually, she is probably already in love with you. She is probably really mad at me though. Well, me and your mom. You see, I did something. When we went on stage for our interviews with Caesar, I um . . . I told the world about you. I hadn't planned on doing it; it kind of just . . . came out. So, everyone back at home is probably a little shocked right now, and they probably aren't sure if I was telling the truth. But your Aunt Prim, and your Grandma Lilly, they are healers, and I am almost certain that after my shocking announcement they're putting the pieces together and they know you're real."
'What is Father talking about? I am so confused. What is 'interview' and 'Caesar' and 'arena'? I just like the sound of Father's voice, so I don't really care right now. Please Father, please talk some more,' Little One wanted to tell him.
"Oh, Little Nut, I don't want to leave you, I really don't. I want to watch you grow, I want to meet you and know you. It hurts so much thinking I will never get the chance to be your dad. I want nothing more in this screwed up world than to hold you, hug you and kiss you— to rock you. And . . . and when you get older, I would teach you how to paint—"
'Yes, I think I would like that, too.' Little One agreed with Peeta.
"But . . . things aren't looking so good for me, so . . . I don't even know if you can hear me, but, oh, I . . . I just love you so much, okay?"
Little One heard sniffles and she recalled her lesson with Leilah on emotions and crying.
'Please Father, do not be sad. We will see each other soon, I promise,' Little One so badly wanted to comfort her father.
Gestation Period: 18 Weeks and 4 Days
'Why do I find comfort in this?' Little One asked Leilah as she placed her thumb into her mouth and began sucking.
"It has to do—" Leilah was interrupted by Peeta's voice once again as he spoke to his daughter.
"Hello again Little Nut, it's me, your dad."
'T-that's my father!' Little One began bouncing up and down with excitement.
"I just . . . I just wanted to tell you I love you just in case this is the end. You stay in there and you stay strong for your mama. I hope . . . I hope I will get the chance to meet you, but if not, just know how much I love you Little Nut, okay?"
Little One felt something pressing against her, causing her to shift to the other side of the cozy womb. Then, she heard her father's voice once more, but this time it was further away, "I'll see you at midnight. Everything will go as planned, just like we talked about, okay?"
"Okay," although her mother's firm voice resonated strength, from deep inside her body, Little One could feel the trembling in her voice, which was undoubtedly filled with fear. 'Mother does not believe his words?' Little One intuited.
'Father's voice is gone, and I so want him to speak to me again; I really like his voice.' Little One whined.
Leilah knew what was happening on the outside and she didn't want Little One to worry.
"Pay attention to me, Little One, do not concern yourself with the outside noises. It is time for our next lesson." Leilah said, hoping to distract Little One from the fight going on outside.
Outside, Katniss and Johanna were running, stringing Beetee's wire from the lightning tree to the beach, and then Johanna blindsided Katniss, knocking her out with a giant log— all to cut her tracker out.
'I do not feel so good, I wish to take a nap,' Little One said as a result of Katniss losing so much blood. Leilah sang Little One a song that offered comfort and nestled the growing baby in her heart while she pleaded with the Creator to watch over them all.
For a long time, there was silence and Little One wondered what was happening. Sometimes she could hear voices from far away and she longed to know who they were. Who they were to her, to her mother— her father? Are they the family her father spoke so fondly of?
And then finally, one day out of the blue she finally heard her mother's croaky voice echo off the walls of her warm home as Little One waved a hand in front of her face. Though she could not see it anymore because her eyelids had become fused shut, she still knew that she was doing it.
Gestation Period: 21 Weeks
"Peeta! Where's Peeta? And . . . what about the baby?" Little One startled from a deep slumber to hear her mother shrieking, her voice tremulous with panic.
"My apologies Miss Everdeen, the fetus was unable to withstand the blast when the arena exploded. You had a miscarriage," an icy voice commanded the room, which resulted in Little One bobbing up and down as her mother started shaking. Little One could hear her mother's heart accelerating and her breathing quickening.
'Wait, what? No, no . . . do not believe them, Mother, I am still here!' Little One tried to reach her mother— to no avail, who was crying so hard.
"No, no, no. No, you're wrong. I— I would feel it if she— if the baby were gone. Just like with Peeta, I would feel it, and I still feel her—" her mother tried to reason with the people surrounding her.
"I'm sorry Miss Everdeen—" The icy voice said, though she did not sound apologetic at all.
There was a loud bang, and then stillness.
'I do not understand, why are they denying my existence? I am still here, right?' Little One reached out to Leilah for confirmation. She was not ready for her journey to be at its end.
"Yes darling, you are still very much alive. They are confused, that's all." Leilah assured Little One, though, she knew the truth.
Gestation Period: 21 Weeks and 2 Days
"Katniss, if you have any intentions on keeping your baby alive, you need to stay calm and do exactly as I say," a soft voice, not the icy one spoke to Little One's mother.
"W-what?"
"If you can keep a secret, so can I, but I need you to stay calm," and then Little One heard the nice voice saying words like pressure and elevation, but all she cared about was that her mother knew she was still alive and safely inside her. Little One was counting on her to keep them okay.
'I do not understand, why would that voice lie to my mother? Why would she tell her I am no longer, when I AM?' Little One pleaded to Leilah, overcome with confusion.
"People lie my dear. Sometimes it is to shield others from pain, but oftentimes it is for vindictive reasons— for their own selfish gain. But do not worry yourself over this matter, we have much to cover before our time is up."
Gestation Period: 23-26 Weeks
The next few weeks, or perhaps it's months, it's difficult for Little One to tell time from inside her mother, but somehow— she can feel her father's presence, yet she does not hear his voice.
'Where did Father go?'
"He is away for now, but do not fret Little One, he will return very soon." Leilah assured her and began to distract her with more of life's lessons. For days and days, weeks even, Leilah filled their time with the teachings of the world. Leilah knew what was going on in the 'outside' and she did her best to keep Little One's mind occupied.
"That THING isn't Peeta," Little One heard her mother shout over and over. And then she heard many words she did not recognize, words Leilah had never explained to her. Hijacking, enemy, snow, weapon.
"Don't you worry Little Nut; we'll bring Daddy home soon. He's finally awake, and him and your Grandma Effie are coming home soon; well, if you can actually call this place home," Little One was reassured by her mother's promise— her heart accelerated at the mention of her father's return and she stretched her leg out in excitement.
"Unh!" Katniss exclaimed, "was that you, Little Nut?" Katniss asked Little One when she felt the fluttering in her abdomen.
Little One repeated this action in response to her mother's racing heart.
"That's right, baby. We'll get daddy back really soon, I promise. That- that thing they brought back from the Capitol is NOTdaddy— I don't care what they say. Peeta— your dad would never hurt me, no matter what. We're going to rescue him— him and Effie, and they're going to do it soon, or . . . or I won't be their stupid mockingjay."
After that conversation, Katniss spoke to Little One often, filling her in and sharing many details about the world outside. Little One would always try to stretch an arm or a leg to tell her mother she was listening. That she believed in her. That she trusted her.
Gestation Period: 26 Weeks and 5 Days
"K-Katniss?" Little One's head twitched to the side when she heard the familiar voice.
'Is . . . is that—' Little One stuttered in excitement, yet she didn't want to get her hopes up. It had been SO long since she last heard her father's voice. Granted, this voice was croaky and sounded almost nothing like him, but something deep inside her knew it was him.
"Yes, Little One, it is your father. He has finally returned." Leilah answered her.
Little One thought that having her father back within arm's reach would have given her mother some relief from all the tears she succumbed to each night, but instead, she cried even more.
'Why is Mother still so sad?' Little One asked Leilah during another particularly boring lesson.
Leilah didn't want to burden the child with all the pain going on outside, so she just said, "Your father is just going through some adjustments. Do not worry, they will find their way back to each other, it will just take some time."
Gestation Period: 27 Weeks
'W-what was that?' Little One asked when she heard a new sound echoing off the walls of her perfect home.
"That is your mother. She is singing to you." Leilah informed Little One.
'I . . . I like it . . . it's beautiful,' Little One crooned, swaying to the sound of her mother's voice.
Little One tried to stretch her leg out to reassure her mother she was here for her, but it seemed her perfect home had shrunk. Anxiety consumed her as she wondered what would happen when she no longer fit.
"Do you remember our discussion entailing your day of birth?" Leilah hummed to Little One. "When this home no longer suits your needs, you will be welcomed into the world. That is when your true life shall begin. It will be cold, bright and scary, but your parents will love, nurture, and soothe you. They will be your new home— they will provide you with all that you need to sustain your life. Though, it is not safe for you to enter that world until you have used up every single big of space in this home. Do you understand?"
'Y-yes,' Little One apprehensively answered Leilah, recalling a lesson from some time before. She wasn't sure if she was going to like this 'New Home.' The one that she was currently in was perfect and she loved it in here. Why did that have to change? Why did she have to keep growing? What if she just . . . stopped. Could she choose to stay in this perfect, warm, and cozy home forever?
"Stop thinking so hard, and you know the answer to that." Leilah interrupted Little One's thoughts. "Everything grows, just as everything dies. It is the circle of life. One day, it will be you who grows a person inside of your body and then you will understand."
Little One giggled and thought, 'That's so silly!'
Gestation Period: 29 Weeks
'Leilah,' Little One began; it was the first time she had ever addressed Angel Leilah by her name, and it made her squirm uncomfortably.
"Yes, dear?"
'What is the point? Why do you teach me all the knowledge of the world before I am born, only to distinguish it from my mind at birth? It just . . . it seems . . . pointless.'
"Yes, I can see how you would see it that way, but I promise you, my child, there is a reason. There is a reason for everything. Do you remember our lesson about the tangible things in the world, like 'paper' and 'pencils', and things like 'writing'?"
'Yes, I think so.'
"If you write your feelings down on a piece of paper and then erase it, so that it is no longer visible to the naked eye, does that mean it is gone forever? My child, the knowledge will always be within you, and as certain things in your life come to pass, you will get a glimmer of a feeling . . . as if a moment is familiar. That is how you will know the path you are on is the right path for you at that time. Just because I erase the memories of all your knowledge, that does not mean it is gone forever."
'Okay,' Little One listened intently and agreed.
Gestation Period: 32 Weeks
As her time in the womb was growing shorter and shorter, Little One grew more nervous and anxious with each day that passed. She could still hear voices on the outside, but the rumbling and gurgling coming from inside her mother drowned most everything out. The space in her home was getting tighter and tighter— she could barely move at this point. The walls around her home kept squeezing her for a moment, but they would relax almost immediately.
'I'm not sure that I like that,' Little One frowned.
"It is just your mother's body practicing for your birth. It is natural. Now, we must focus, it is almost time."
The squeezing got worse. Instead of squeezing her for a few seconds here and there, it lasted for minutes and minutes. Not only did the squeezing last longer, but it became harder and tighter.
Gestation Period: 35 Weeks and 6 days
"My dear child, it is time." Leilah announced one night.
'But . . . NO!' Little One cried. 'I . . . I still have room, it- it can't be time yet, I'm not ready!'
"No one is ever ready for change, but I fear our time is up. It is indeed early, quite early actually, but it will all work out as it was meant to, just as I told you many months ago."
Little One was frightened, because her entry into the world was not happening in the exact way Leilah had described. Instead of being squeezed down by the walls of her home, where she would be pushed down, down, and eventually squeeze through a narrow canal to enter the world, a slit of light was breaking through the walls of her home.
'What is happening, I am scared!'
"I will meet you on the other side, sweet girl, and all will be well." Leilah assured Little One.
The slit grew bigger and bigger and creatures that looked too foreign to be human— they had bland, grey suits on, and masks over their faces, pulled Little One out. They stuck something up each of her nostrils and then inside of her mouth, which made Little One gasp for air.
Little One opened her eyes and for the first time, she saw Leilah. She was beautiful and glowing— radiating a brilliant light.
"Shhh," Leilah comforted her, pressing her finger to Little One's lips to calm her— and then she was gone.
Little One's lungs filled with air and she cried. She cried and she wailed. She shrieked and she shrilled. She wanted to tell these strange creatures, 'Put me back!'
She was so scared, there were so many people, none that she recognized . . . until him. She didn't recognize him, but his voice; it was her father. Peeta. He walked over to where she was lying and looked down at her. The moment she met his sparkling blue eyes— she knew she was home.
Little One gasped and paused her shrill crying to stare at the man looking down at her.
"Hello Hope, I'm your daddy," the beautiful, familiar-feeling, blue-eyed man spoke to Little One with tears in his eyes. "Dylan Hope Mellark— that's your name, beautiful girl. Dylan was your grandpa's name— your mommy's daddy, but we both agreed it could work whether you were a boy or a girl. But I think we're just going to call you Hope. Because that's what you are to all of us. Welcome to the world, Hope."
Everything was scary for Hope. Everything was bright, cold, and unfamiliar. There were giant creatures poking, prodding, and tossing her around. She was afraid they would drop her.
'Where did the man go? The "Daddy," I want to see him again.' Hope thought to herself as she cried and cried. Nothing was familiar and she didn't like it. She wanted to go back inside her perfect home where it was dark and warm— and snug. And . . . and there was someone in there with her, but who was it? She couldn't remember. But she did know that she didn't like all the lights, the giant creatures and all the strange noises.
"Katniss, Katniss sweetie, wake up. They're bringing her back." Hope was feeling a little better now, someone had swaddled her in warm blankets, and she almost felt like she was back inside her perfect home. She wiggled, turning her head in the direction of the familiar voice— the one she recognized from earlier. It was the man. The daddy. Someone picked her up and she felt as if she was flying in the air. She was frightened for a moment until she realized they were giving her to the daddy.
When the daddy held her in his arms, Hope did not question if he would drop her— unlike the others, he held her gently and she felt safe. When she opened her eyes, everything was fuzzy. Even still, she could make out the blue of his eyes and wondered if her eyes looked like his. She hoped so.
"Do you want to hold her?" The daddy asked.
"I-is she okay?" A softer— timid voice asked and Hope immediately recognized it as the voice— although clearer, without the whooshing and gurgling sounds from her previous home— but it was, without a doubt, the same voice she heard from deep inside her perfect home.
"She's perfect," the daddy beamed, his eyes sparkling with tears. The daddy gently passed Hope to the woman, and Hope prepared herself to feel that feeling again— that flying-in-the air— afraid-to-fall, feeling, but it did not happen. The daddy slowly and gently placed Hope in the woman's arms and scooted into the bed next to her. Hope squirmed and gasped, filling her lungs with air as she prepared to cry— not wanting the daddy to let her go, but then she froze when a familiar scent wafted up her nostrils.
'Hey, I know that smell!' Hope thought, excited from the familiarity and opened her eyes again to meet the blurry face of the owner of her perfect home. But— like with the daddy— the moment the mommy cradled her in her arms, Hope knew she was safe in her new home.
"Hello, my beautiful girl, I'm your mama. It's nice to finally meet you," the woman— "Mama" said to Hope, her chin quivering and tears leaking from the corners of her eyes.
"She's so beautiful," the mama turned her head to the daddy. The daddy leaned over and stroked Hope's cheek with his finger. Hope liked the way his finger felt, and she relaxed a little more.
"Yes she is— just like her mother," the daddy gleamed with pride, staring in awe at Hope.
"I can't believe we made this beautiful girl," the mommy said to the daddy with more tears in her eyes.
The daddy snuggled closer to the mommy, wrapping his arm around her and rested his chin on her shoulder, but not before kissing the mommy's cheek. "I love you Katniss."
Hope let out a little wail and squirmed from side to side.
"Hey, hey," the daddy said in a soft voice, "Of course, I love you too, my sweet girl. The Hope that gave me hope."
The mommy lifted Hope up, so that her head rested against the mommy's chest. Hope could feel a soft pounding against her cheek— and it was familiar. So familiar.
Swaddled in her warm blankets, nestled safely in her mother's arms and her father just inches away, Hope got a glimmer of a feeling— that she was exactly where she was meant to be. In that instant she knew, that burrowed cozily between the mama and the daddy— she was home.