my heart was glass (you dropped it), a harry potter fanfic

QL, Wigtown Wanderers | Round 3 | Beater 1 | Write about someone hiding a big secret
Additional Prompts | 4. [plot point] a wedding, 6. [setting] nighttime, 15. [dialogue] "You're better than this."

Monthlies & Fortnightlies
Would You Rather | Write a rare pair

WC: 2547

o . o . o

my heart was glass (you dropped it)

Mary sat in the hot tent, fluttering the chiffon skirt of her mulberry dress to try to fan her legs, wishing she had chosen to wear a lighter color. But this shade of red always looked so good on her, and she wanted to feel confident and beautiful today. She watched as James and Sirius stood at the front of the marquee, chatting happily with each other and she felt longing flare up in her heart. Why did he have to be so bloody attractive?

Music swelled and the little crowd of attendees stood in unison. At the end of the aisle, Lily appeared in a fluttery white dress, one hand looped through her father's, the other hand clutching a bouquet of hand-picked daisies. People sighed as they looked at her, taken in by her beauty and her radiance. And she was beautiful. Mary probably would have been just as awed as everyone else if she weren't feeling so bitter in that moment.

She loved her friend, she really did. Truly. But… she felt like Lily didn't really deserve this. She'd spent years hating James and thinking he was the world's biggest prat. They'd only just started dating when they graduated Hogwarts, and the Order made it so hard for any of them to spend time together these days. Even though it had been a year and a half now since they started dating, it wasn't really. But then Lily'd gotten pregnant and James was the honourable sort and the war had them both feeling all carpe diem, and now here she was, sitting at their wedding, desperately wishing she were the one walking down the aisle instead.

Mary had fancied James for ages. Since their third year at school, when she'd first started to notice boys in that way. At first it had started as just a stupid, silly crush, like having a crush on your favourite actor or something. But as the years went on… somewhere along the lie it had turned into something more. Mary had gotten to know him, become friends with him, and what once was a silly crush blossomed into feelings that were quite genuine and based on actually knowing him. She'd seen past the prattish exterior long before Lily had even considered the possibility. But what was Mary supposed to do? Tell Lily she couldn't date James because she was madly in love with him, even though she was completely sure he'd never once looked at her in that way? That would be ridiculous.

"Alright, which one of them are you in love with?"

Mary's head whipped around so fast, she was sure she would have a crick in the morning. Fabian had slid into the previously empty seat next to her, and was leaning over her shoulder to whisper conspiratorially.

"I have no idea what you mean," she denied, facing front.

"Oh come on," Fabian snorted. "Everyone else in this joint is thrilled, but you look like you just swallowed a bunch of lemons. Spit it out."

"Is it really that obvious?" She wrinkled her nose. She really thought she'd been doing a better job of hiding her heartbreak.

"Only to someone who's paying attention." His voice dropped quieter as he said it, like he was telling her a secret, but a second later he shook it off and regained his usual confidence. "C'mon, out with it."

"James," Mary sighed. She chanced a glance at Fabian and immediately regretted it. He was looking at her with that pitying expression that she absolutely hated. It was the same look people had given her when her dad died, but it was worse because this time it was coupled with the knowledge that she was inflicting this pain on herself. "Please stop looking at me like that."

"Can I offer you advice?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

Fabian ignored her and steamrolled on anyway, completely ignoring the wedding that was taking place in front of them. "You're better than this."

"I'm really not."

"You're definitely better than him."

"You like James! He's your friend!" Mary protested, fighting back a smile and a laugh.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I think he's good enough for you."

They locked eyes and Mary got the distinct impression that there was something she was missing.

"We should probably stop talking," she said slowly, trying to figure out what exactly was bothering her.

o . o . o

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Allow me to present, for the first time, Mr and Mrs Potter!"

James and Lily reentered the tent with their linked hands held aloft, a chorus of cheers and whoops echoing in the small space. Mary clapped along with the rest, trying to find a drop of happiness for the newlyweds somewhere in the depths of her soul. Did it make her a terrible person if she couldn't? She was pretty sure it did.

Music swelled while the couple sashayed to the center of the dance floor, where James gave Lily a quick twirl before taking her in his arms. Mary really didn't want to watch them dance together. She didn't want to feel the pang of jealousy stabbing her in the gut.

The chair next to her squeaked as someone sat down, and Mary didn't need to look to see who it was.

"Go away," she sighed, her eyes still fixed on the happy couple.

"I have cake."

Mary was about to repeat her request, but she paused for a heartbeat, considering her options.

"Then I am your friend."

Fabian smirked and slid one plate across to Mary. He wasn't looking at her with pity anymore, which she appreciated, but she found his amusement almost equally annoying. Turning back around, Mary's eyes followed James' form once more. He was so graceful the way he moved, confident and sure of himself even when his steps weren't perfect. She wanted to be the one he held in his arms and looked at with love in his eyes. Mary sighed.

"We went on a date once, you know," she said softly.

"What happened?" His tone was serious, not mocking, and she appreciated that. Still, it wasn't easy to own up to your biggest regret.

"I need a drink first." She let out a little chuckle to let him know that she was relatively alright, and she felt his presence disappear for a moment.

A few minutes later, Fabian returned, two glasses of wine in his hands.

"Alright, tell me all about this date," he said, handing Mary one of the glasses.

"It wasn't terribly eventful, nothing dramatic happened or anything," she answered. "We just… I babbled idiotically the whole time about such unimportant things. And it felt like he was just trying to be polite. But I was so nervous and honestly, I didn't really even understand why he'd asked me to go to Hogsmeade with him. Was it a dare? Was he just being nice? He'd never seemed interested in me that way."

"So if it went so badly, why didn't you just move on?" Fabian asked. He was gentle, not judgmental, but she could tell from his voice that he truly didn't understand.

Mary thought about it for a moment, trying to find the right words to explain it.

"It was just a bad date, but it didn't mean… I never really told him how I felt so it wasn't like he was rejecting me," she said at last. "It could have gone poorly because I was nervous, or because the timing was just wrong or… so many things. People's feelings can change. Maybe if I had told him…"

"Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything," he suggested.

"But maybe it would."

Mary finally tore her eyes away from the happy newlyweds to look at Fabian. She saw a mix of emotions in his eyes, which she certainly hadn't expected. There was no pity from him, but a sympathetic sadness. It was like he wished that she'd gotten the closure she needed to move on. Not even that he wished things had turned out differently and James had loved her in return. Just that he wished she could get over it. But there was something more to it as well, something deeper that she couldn't place.

o . o . o

"C'mon, dance with me," Fabian proposed, standing suddenly and offering Mary his hand.

"What?" Her brows furrowed and she frowned slightly, trying to make sense of the situation.

"Dance with me!" he repeated. "It's a wedding and this is a good song, why not have a little bit of fun? I mean, I know you're miserable and heartbroken, but maybe try to forget about it for a few minutes."

"I'm not sure it'll work, but I'll try," Mary agreed with a sad sort of smile. Nevertheless, she placed her hand in his and allowed him to pull her to her feet.

Fabian let the way to the dance floor, shaking his hips a little as he walked, trying to make her laugh. He almost succeeded, drawing the quietest of chuckles from her. When they reached the floor, he held their arms aloft for her to spin under, the mulberry georgette of her skirt floating out around her. They quickly found a rhythm, and Mary felt her spirit growing lighter with every movement, the upbeat sounds of ABBA filling the tent with joy. She tried to siphon the contagious happiness off of her surroundings and let it carry her away. She wanted to feel as happy as everyone around her.

As the thought of her own heartbreak threatened to overwhelm her, the song faded into a slow ballad. Without missing a beat, Fabian pulled Mary into his arms. His hand drifted to the small of her back and Mary let hers rest comfortably on his shoulders. They were so close now, she could feel his breath ghosting over her skin in warm puffs. His eyes were so green this close. Little flecks of gold mixed in with the sage. And his brown hair had a reddish tint to it, particularly in the stubble that covered his jaw. So many little details that she'd never noticed about her friend before. She clung to him, turning her head so she could rest her cheek against his shoulder and let him comfort her as they swayed back and forth to the music.

"I'm sorry," he whispered suddenly, and Mary looked up at him with a quizzical expression. His eyes were closed though, a frown drawing the corners of his mouth down slightly. "It's a horrible feeling, being in love with someone who doesn't see you."

"I'm sure you could have any woman you wanted," Mary scoffed, immediately dismissing the idea that Fabian could fancy anyone and not have his feelings reciprocated. He was a wonderful person, and definitely good-looking.

"You'd be surprised," he whispered, his voice low and heavy with sadness.

Mary frowned, echoing his expression. It was so unlike Fabian to be this reserved - until five minutes ago, he was his usual buoyant and happy self, and then something had shifted and she couldn't tell what.

They continued to dance for a while longer, and Mary closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel comfortable in Fabian's arms and pretend that she wasn't at James' wedding. She could almost imagine that she was just dancing at the annual winter solstice festival, having fun with her friends. She might even be able to imagine she was toe to toe with James if he weren't about six inches taller than Fabian, a noticeable difference in such an intimate setting.

"I think I need some air," Mary said after a while, feeling a little overwhelmed by all the emotion and uncertainty. She pulled away from Fabian and turned toward the entrance flap of the tent.

He followed behind her, concern etched on every feature. Darkness had fallen outside like a velvet blanket, clouds obscuring the stars. But the bright light of the gibbous moon shone through the thin layer of clouds, providing them with just enough light to see. Mary tried to take deep breaths, tried to steady herself and find some balance.

"Mary…" Fabian's voice was soft as he pulled her into his arms again, holding her in a tight hug. "It's gonna be okay. You'll get through this."

She buried her face in his jacket, trying to suppress the tears that were springing to the corners of her eyes. She didn't want to cry now. She had done more than her fair share of crying over James Potter.

When her breathing has slowed a little and she felt a bit calmer, Mary felt Fabian pull away from her slightly. His hands slid across her shoulders until they rested gently on her upper arms. Mary looked up at him, her eyes shining as the moonlight reflected off the unshed tears. Fabian seemed to be struggling with something, and not for the first time that night, she wondered what she was missing.

"Mary, I… I know I'm not James," Fabian started, looking around anxiously, determined to look anywhere but at her eyes. She touched his jaw softly to draw his gaze back toward her. She finally recognized the expression he wore as one she had seen so many times in the mirror - pain, resignation, and just enough hope to make it impossible to move on. "But I am absolutely crazy about you and I… just… take a chance on me, Mary. Please. I promise it'll be worth it."

She felt absolutely stunned. She had never had any idea that Fabian had felt this way. Had she been so busy pining after James that she had completely missed it? Or had he been keeping his own deeply-buried secret? She had no idea what to think.

Hesitantly, Fabian moved one hand to cup her jaw, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as his thumb brushed gently across her cheek. It was tender and endearing, and Mary leaned into the sensation, her hands grasping the lapels of his jacket tightly. Encouraged by this small response, Fabian leaned down to kiss her, soft and inquisitive. It was like he was asking her a question, but Mary had no idea how she should answer. She kissed him back, but they both left it as something innocent.

Fabian stepped back, looking a bit sheepish and more anxious than Mary had ever seen him before.

"Well, I… I think I should go. But just… think about it, okay?"

"Okay," Mary promised, her voice barely more than a breath on the wind as her fingers ghosted over her kiss-pinkened lips.

"Goodnight, Mary."

Fabian turned and walked away, hands shoved into his pockets. As he disappeared into the night, Mary glanced back toward the tent, where she knew James was probably still dancing with his new wife. She really ought to move on, or at least try to. She could do that, couldn't she? She could try? And who better to try with than Fabian?

He was sweet, and she appreciated all his efforts throughout the night. It was truly touching. But deep down, Mary knew that her heart belonged to James, and she was resigned to the fact that it always would. Tonight didn't change anything. But that would have to stay her secret.