I wrote this back in the fall of 2019 and haven't been able to write anything half as decent since. Comments/critiques are welcomed, as always.
~o~
For as long as he had been alive, he had felt it. An ache. A groan. A sense of foreboding that somehow filled every nook of the palace, barely daring to breathe some nights as it sat on his chest heavy like a boulder. It never felt right. Even with the many guards, the mages and their magic. It only made him more aware that there was a need to be so heavily guarded. But how could Pharaoh protect his people from what hid in the recesses of their own mind?
Each summer it was the same. His mother would hold his hand a little tighter. Force a smile. And then when she thought he was sleeping she would set out on horseback towards the burial grounds, the whisper of a name on her tongue.
I just don't want him to think I've forgotten him. Seto.
But Mana, you must forget him. His sacrifice requires it.
He was a child, unable to piece it all together. Who they were talking about that. What they must forget. But the tragic legacy could always be felt, even in his infancy. He would wail without reason and beyond consolation. Frantic and urgently until he would gag from his efforts. Something must have been wrong, she concluded. Her instincts as a mother already failing her as she swaddled him for the thousandth time, bumping him on her hip under the moonlight. But the royal physician gave her no satisfying answer.
Lady Mana, don't you know? All babies in Egypt are crying.
He would grow up to understand fragments at a time. A demon. A thief. A sacrifice to end the carnage. All had lost one, some lost all. And like a wounded animal the country bled as it tried to move forward, streaks of crimson that painted an entire generation with unspeakable pain. Hastily, and out of pure necessity to survive, Egypt tried desperately to put the trauma behind. Bandage it, cover it. Never let anyone see it. Even after it scars, keep it hidden.
But they had never learned the lesson from Kul Elna. Trauma was not a scar. It was a cancer. It grew and spread and fed off negative energy until it became a beast capable of destroying everything in its path. It was something his mother understood as she attempted to create a picturesque childhood. Games, play, sweets and laughter. Magic lessons in the courtyard and lullabies at night to the jingle of her golden ring swinging from her chest. Shielding him in warmth from the coldness of pure evil, now a memory forever burned in her mind the day she came face to face with it. The day she was baptized by the sweat of her own brow and born again a magician, nine months later a mother.
Sighing deeply, he opened the lid to the small vase. Bright blue against the dull beige of the clay. A simple urn to hold the most important sorceress Egypt had ever known.
"They haven't wilted?"
Seto's voice came from behind, but he ignored him. Seto knew. The lotus flowers were just as fresh as the day his mother passed.
"Prince." He felt a hand on his shoulder, stern and reassuring. His feeble attempt at comfort.
"No, they haven't." He finally answered. "They won't."
He shrugged Pharaoh's hand off his shoulder and ventured deeper into the crypt. It was dark, the flame from his torch illuminating the way as he dodged spider webs and rodents. It wasn't a place for her to rest, but it was what she wanted, he supposed.
He couldn't be sure. She was an enigma. Behind her eyes hid secrets and horrors he never dared to ask about. Even her death, as mysterious as her life. The moment her ka ascended, her body bloomed into a plume of lotus flowers. At first bewildered, he frantically went to gather each petal into a vase. And waited. A day passed, then a week, but what his mother became did not decay.
So she remained on his bedside table, every few days garnering up enough bravery to lift the lid to find them perfectly fresh, unbruised and as bright as if they had just been plucked.
If only she could have remained the same in life as she had in death.
~o~
Months earlier
The young prince grumbled to himself as he struggled to open the heavy door to the temple. It was gloomy inside the main hall and the smell of burnt incense was nearly choking. A cloud of dust billowed up and danced in the light, having been plunged in darkness for so long. Despite its unwelcoming feel, his heart raced and filled with warmth as electricity coursed through his veins.
"Mother?"
He meant for his voice to sound more strong and grown. Instead, it echoed as a small croak, his pubescent voice cracking under the emotions he was failing to keep at bay. It had been years since she was sent away from the palace. Months since he had seen her.
"Mother?"
But his voice merely echoed off the high ceilings and returned to his ears unanswered. He waited impatiently as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, making out elaborate carvings and the gold illuminating the walls. There was thick dust on the scrolls, the scatter of rodents at his feet. It was really no place for her to stay.
"Mother, are you here?"
His voice was a little more desperate this time. He couldn't help it. It was only a few seconds, but it felt agonizing to wait for a reply as worry swirled through his head.
And then he heard it. The jangle of her gold bands. The scuttle of her bare feet on the stone floor.
"Who's there?"
The prince's heart jumped as she stepped into the sunlight radiating from the door.
"Mom…"
But the warmth in his voice was not reciprocated in her eyes. She merely stared at him, her glare suspicious as her lips tightened into a thin line.
"Who are you?"
His face fell as sweet tears that had formed from joy just seconds earlier now soured.
"It's me. Your son.."
She shook her head slowly as he scanned her sallow face for any sign of the woman he remembered from his childhood.
"You are not my son." She said coldly. "My son doesn't visit me."
The prince let out something between a yelp and a gasp. She had not lied. He had not seen her in many months. Pharaoh had prevented him from seeing her. She was sick, he warned.
She's not sick, she's sad. She needs us.
She needs fresh air and relaxation. Please, do not stress her.
But the determined prince did not heed the king's command. He escaped by moonlight from the palace to the coast where she resided, waited on by priestesses and servants. Although, the state of her accommodations called into question just how well she was being cared for.
"Wait…" She whispered, taking a few steps closer to him as her eyes squinted. "It is you…"
She reached out for him and his heart soured, pulling her into an embrace. He was startled to find that behind her flowing dress was a thin frame, her bones poking him in the ribs.
"Are they not feeding you?" He half chuckled, pulling away for a moment.
She did not reply. Her green eyes were dull, like dead grass. They held an absent stare that nearly frightened him.
"Mother? Are you eating okay?" He asked again, scanning her face. She continued to give him a blank stare as her lips stretched into an easy smile. Still, she said nothing.
Mad Mana! Mad Mana!
The jests of the cruel noble children rang in his ears as his smile faded.
"How are you, my prince?" She reached up her hands to cup both his cheeks. He shuddered. Her fingers were ice cold.
"I'm well." He said dismissively. "But, you… You look so…"
Tired. Ghostly. Haggard.
"...thin."
She chuckled and for a briefest moment, he could see the mirth in her soul bubble up in her eyes.
"Well, prince. You keep eating all the sweets at dinner time and save none for me." She winked. "I will have to tell Master Mahad right away."
He shook his head as a thousand blocks of disappointment fell on his chest.
"Wh.. What?"
"Hm?" Her voice song-like as she chuckled again. At what, he couldn't be certain.
"Do you not know who I am?"
"Oh prince, of course I know who you are. I have known you my entire life. Don't you remember practicing magic together? Pranking Shimon? We're practically family, you and I."
Mad Mana. Mad Mana. Mad Mana.
"No…" He breathed out in defeat.
She cocked her head at him curiously, running her hands through his hair.
"I have missed you, my dear Atem."
The prince let out a groan. It hitched in his throat and he brought his hands to his face to cover his emotion. He didn't want to confuse her anymore than she already was. For a moment he was silent, the only sound of her hands whisking through his hair. She was smiling, not at him, but perhaps through him. Humming a song he did not recognize.
But still, she was smiling. That had to be enough. He gulped and decided he had come so far to see her. He might as well keep her happy.
"I have missed you too, Mana." He forced a smile back at her. "How is your training coming along?"
She hummed a reply, shrugging.
"Master Mahad is such a bore. He never lets me have any fun." She pouted her lip like a child. "But I learned this new spell, do you want to see?"
Before he could open his mouth to stop her, Mana spun around and outstretched her arm as if holding a wand in it. With a flick of her wrist, she cried out gently and thrust her arm in front of her. She paused before giggling.
"Wasn't that amazing? My magic is improving."
Nothing had happened. But there was a light in her eyes that wasn't there before and he could not refuse her.
"It was lovely, Mana." He said through a clenched jaw. She curtsied, nearly losing her balance before giggling again.
"Mana, can I ask you a question?"
She hummed affirmatively.
He took a deep breath in.
"Do you… Do you remember our son?"
Mana cocked her head again, resting a finger on her cheek as she appeared to be in deep thought. She wasn't, of course. His mother had not been able to think properly in years.
"Son…" She drew out the word in contemplation.
"We have a son. Don't you remember his name?"
"Hmm. How strange. A son, you and I?"
He gave her a few more moments to reply before he couldn't take anymore. It felt cruel to him that his mother remembered the name of the pharaoh who Seto tried to force her to forget, yet could hardly remember his own name. Her only child. A familiar sense of betrayal and hurt welled in his chest that he dismissed aggressively with a shake of his head. It wasn't her fault, after all.
"Nevermind, Moth- I mean, Mana. It's fine."
Mad Mana! She can't handle the ring and can't forget her king. Mad Mana!
"Anyway-"
"Our son. Such a sweet baby, always so happy. He got our best traits it seemed."
He whipped his head at her so quickly he got a bit dizzy.
"We conceived him in such a momentary lapse of judgement, and he was born into such a terrible time in Egypt. You were gone, so was Master. It was just me and him. And Seto."
He blinked in disbelief.
"Seto." She hissed his name, furrowing her brows. "How I resent him. He let you die. I begged him. Cried till I was blue in the face asking him to stop you from your sacrifice…"
Her eyes filled with tears, catching the light from the doorway and making them look glassy and delicate.
"And then you died because we were too weak to stop the great evil." She stuttered a breath. "You had no other choice but to sacrifice yourself. I knew you would, too. You have always been that way. God, I loved and hated you for it all at once!"
"It's okay, Mana. Let's talk about happy things."
But she wasn't listening, half mumbling to herself as she continued.
"Then suddenly, I had this baby.." Mana paused as her lips pressed into a line. "And he had these large and impossibly innocent eyes that reminded me that maybe the gods still believed in second chances.."
He felt as if the air had been kicked out of his chest with every word she said.
"It was as though they gifted him to me and said 'We took your prince, but see here, we left you with another. And he will always be yours to keep.'"
Mana was staring at the ground with an unreadable expression on her face. Her mind clearly lost in thoughts from years past.
"But, he is almost grown now. Not much younger than you were when you left us. I did my best but it was so much. That evil ring. Praying to the gods I had stopped trusting. What a fraud I was."
"They say the ring chooses its master, and perhaps that was true for Mahad. But for me..." She shook her head. "There's a cold darkness that lingered in it and therefore in me as well. It waited in the corridors of my mind and smiled at me malevolently and I knew I would never be the same. It would never leave. I'm not sure I even wanted it to."
"Hey..." He tenderly took her hand. "Please, let's not dwell on these things."
"These things are all that's left of me."
"Don't say that…"
"It's fine. Soon it'll have it's way and I'll join my master. My time has come."
"What are you talking about?"
She merely shook her head before turning and running past him, out the door and down the hill as her white dress whipped behind her.
"Hey!" He darted off after her. "Moth- Mana, wait!"
"You can't catch me, Atem!" She gleefully hollered over her shoulder, her mood completely changed even as the tears she shed moments early still laid wet on her cheeks.
"Mother! Please don't run away!" He managed out, unable to keep up the charade any longer.
Her weak body failed her as she fumbled on her feet, falling to the ground. He watched from a few feet away as her head hit the ground with a thud.
"Mother? Are you okay?"
She moaned, gripping her forehead as her eyes fluttered open. Turning her head to look at him, her eyes seemed to have an awareness in them as she blinked at him incredulously.
"Hey, little one. Not so little anymore, are you?" She chuckled softly.
"Mom?"
"What are we doing out here? My head hurts-"
She was cut off by him embracing her, letting out a surprised chirp as she embraced him back.
"Mom, I've missed you so much. You don't even know how much. I'm taking you back with me to the palace and you're not to leave again." He flustered out quickly, much to her bewilderment.
"What's the matter? You are acting quite strange." She gently released his hold, cupping his cheeks in her hands to study his face. "Have you been traveling in the desert without a hat again?"
Usually his mother's harping on hat wearing fell on deaf ears, finding her fixation with protecting his head from the sun despite his ample hair amusing and unnecessary.
"Mom-"
"I don't know why you fight me on this, the sun is very strong and-"
"Mom-"
"It's been know to make people hallucinate and say crazy things-"
"Mom!" He grabbed her hands, shaking them to stop her rambling.
"What?"
"I love you."
She blinked at him, at first perhaps a bit puzzled at his sudden emotional outburst before her eyes softened.
"I love you, too."
She reached up to pinch his cheek, which was now damp with tears. Her clarity would not last long. Maybe five minutes to a few hours, but it was worth the long journey to see her for those precious moments. Despite her assurance that she loved him, hearing it always felt like his heart was being sewn back together again.
"You're coming back to the palace with me." He suddenly said in a determined tone. "Do not say you won't."
Her expression fell before she looked away.
"I can't do that. I'm sick. I need to stay here."
"You're not sick. You said it yourself. The ring, the things that happened. It made you a little sad but it's not-"
"No... You can see for yourself how I am declining." She propped herself on her elbows. "I'm sick and it's better if I stay here."
He blinked at her. She had said her words with such certainty, her eyes unwavering.
"But why here." He motioned back to the dilapidated temple he had found her in. "You are not being cared for properly."
She merely shrugged. He pondered quietly before his eyes lit up.
"So let me take care of you."
Mana gave him a quizzical look.
"Oh… You have always been too kind."
"So is that a yes?"
She paused as if considering it for a moment before shaking her head.
"No, no. You have studies. Responsibilities. Better things to do than take care of a dying woman."
"You're not dying!" He cried out, waiting for her to placate him. But she merely pursed her lips and reached up, tucking a strand of his blond bangs behind an ear.
"There is so much you don't understand and so much I can't explain." She whispered darkly.
"But- but I can feel it, I always have."
"Then you already know I'm telling you the truth. Is that not why you came to see me?"
He startled, withdrawing his face from her touch. It was true. His mother's ka had appeared to him in his sleep, seeking him by night to come to her.
"But... how could you be dying? I still need you."
She nodded.
"I know, I felt the same way when Mahad left me. But even once I'm gone, you won't really be alone. My ka will always be with you, if only you need me."
He frowned, unsure if she was speaking truth or sliding back into the depths of her mind. Perhaps she could visit him after death, he couldn't be sure. It was certainly a nice thought to tuck away though as he nodded in agreement. If only to keep his own sanity about him.
"Then… let's make the most of the time we have left."
Her pointer finger grazed his cheek tenderly and the trail of tears dried entirely. She smiled at him like he had always remembered. Resilient and warm. That is how he would always choose to remember her.
~o~
He never knew a void could create such pain. It was as if his heart was distended with words unspoken and feelings not shared. He was sure at any moment it would burst, spilling out of his eyes in a steam of grief. Fond memories flooded his mind and overwhelmed him to the point that his chest hurt. He wished he could have tacked down each laugh, each smile, each embrace as they would inevitably float away from his mind over time.
The sound of feet scuffling on the floor broke his thoughts. A flair of irritation lit up his chest, turning around to face the man who was intruding on such a private moment.
"Must you follow me when I'm laying her to rest?"
Pharaoh was quiet for a moment, frowning.
"She is one of my priestesses. I value her and wish to pay my respects."
The prince scoffed, turning away from him. Seto's words were more cold and stale than the air of the crypt he breathed.
"Why did you send her away then?"
"She asked me to."
He paused, furrowing his brows.
"Liar. Why would she have wanted that?"
He paid no mind that he had insulted Pharaoh. It was surely not the first time he had lashed out in pubescent angst at the man who had taken the place of a father he never had.
"She didn't want you to see her like that. Mana knew she was unraveling at the seams. After years of being so strong, her mind gave in. She didn't want to… burden you."
He slowly turned around to look at Seto, his eyes wide with uncertainty. Seto nodded once.
"She would have never been a burden to me." He mumbled.
"People were talking. Questioning her and by proxy, questioning you. She didn't want that."
"I was always proud to be her son." He muttered. "She tried so hard to carry it all, to shield me. But I couldn't do the same for her."
The prince's chin quivered as he finally understood so much. He gingerly touched the ring around his chest with the pads of his fingertips and silently vowed to never let it corrupt him.
"It wasn't your responsibility."
He grabbed the metal tassels of the ring, gripping it with determination. How great her burden must have been all those years. How heavy the ring must have hung on her neck like a noose.
"Maybe not, but perhaps it was my fault regardless."
Seto was quite behind him for a brief moment.
"Don't think that way." He whispered in a voice with such tenderness that anyone on his court would have not recognized it belonged to him. "You have grown into a strong and capable young man. She did well. I'm.. proud of you."
In that moment the prince was grateful for Seto in a way he never had been, his words like fire spreading through dry brush in the way they elicited a warmth in him. Suddenly, with wide eyes and a smile, he turned to embrace Seto. Pharaoh tensed, before relaxing and draping one arm around his back.
He had his own theory as to why the lotus flowers that Mana transformed into had not decayed. They were waiting, and he wouldn't be surprised if in thousands of years, they sat just as fresh in their clay vase, intermed in the arms of her beloved. The golden pendant danced once around his neck as if in agreement and he frowned. His arms tightened around the son his cousin never met, thinking deeply of what he had missed with his sacrifice all those years ago.