SUICIDE QUEST

I was only ten years old when my pet hamster Henry decided to commit suicide. He had taken the safety harness off his spinning wheel and driven it into the side of his miniature bio-dome. When a machine like that collides with the thick glass enclosure of his life… well let's just say we buried a slightly viscous Henry in the family cemetery.

I got drunk that night and peed on his grave. It was during my belligerent behavior that a loud crash was heard. In front of me a small crater had fucked up the family cemetery. Inside the crater was an alien space ship that pulsated with alien colors.

I tumbled into the crater. At the bottom the door to the space ship opened with a hum. From within the ship stood a silhouette against an unnecessarily smoky backdrop. There was also this strange emanating aroma of mini pizzas. That was also unnecessary as so is this sentence.

The alien walked out of the space ship. His form was that of a lizard slash dragon and he was wearing a visor over his eyes that made him look like that blind guy from star trek.

Words came out of his mouth like butter and I ate them up like I was drinking sex out of a super sized milkshake.

"I am from another fucking planet" said the one eyed lizard in a robotic voice.

I was beside myself in awe. This alien's words were the foundation upon all my pre-teen philosophies. I had this world, and I had longed for acceptance. Why couldn't I fit into society? Why was humanity so supplicating? What does supplicating mean? Was life worth caring about or should I just live without caring?

The one eyed lizard alien robot thing shot himself in the head six times with a laser canon. Obviously he was depressed about something and thought committing suicide in front of a ten year old boy was an acceptable way to end his life.

My highly tuned sense of morals kicked in. I peed on the alien's corpse and stole his ship.

"I am from another fucking planet" I said as I left Earth.

With the same feeling I get after eating a corn dog from a shifty Mexican gas station I looked back upon Earth one last time. It was distant in the rear view mirror of my newly acquired space ship.

All feelings left my mind and without a single moment of hesitation I traveled the cosmos at random. I didn't care where I went. Within that lack of care also was gone the possibility that I would ever see Earth again.

I traveled for what must have been ten years. Time drags on in outer space. As relativity would state "time is with relation". The darkness of space has no relation to itself. Within that empty nothingness comes loneliness.

"Wow!" I said to myself. "How the hell did this ridiculous story postulate any serious philosophical debate?!" As soon as I finished my sentence my head miraculously exploded.

The End…