Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments)
Assignment 6 - Healer Studies
Task #12 - Splinching: Write about a spell going really wrong.
Warnings: dementors and all that comes with, mentions of torture, implied/referenced character death, attempted suicide, child abuse, insanity
Further prompts are at the end.
Word Count: 1,952
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its associated universe belongs to J.K. Rowling, and not me.
Cissy wants to fix her.
Cissy wants to fix her and Bella wants to laugh, because Cissy's always wanted to fix her and how well do you think that's worked? And that was before, back when she was only splintering, only at the edges, only a spiderweb of cracks spreading slowly, almost - almost but not quite - shattering into hundreds of little broken pieces. She wants to laugh because now, now she is that pile of shards, shards whose edges have been pummeled by cold and wind and storm, sanded down so that even if they weren't so small to begin with it's impossible to tell which piece is supposed to go by which.
Cissy wants to fix her, and Bella wants to laugh, because you don't fix the glass that's been shattered so many times no Reparo will ever fix it - no, you Vanish that glass, you get rid of that glass.
There wasn't supposed to be an after.
'The Dark Lord will rise again,' she shouted once, except happy thoughts are always the first to go and hope always falls to fear and by the time the first year was up there'd been nothing except now, except pain except worse except drowning inside her own head except losing herself except
There wasn't supposed to be anything after, wasn't supposed to be Cissy trying to piece her back together and cutting her fingers on the shards in a way that hurts, somehow, more than everything they have done to Bella. Because the only thing that was supposed to come after was the end.
And Bella wants to say that, wants to tell Cissy, wants to explain wants to shout that Cissy has got to save herself wants to whisper that there's no fixing her, except when she opens her mouth all that comes out is wild, wild laughter, and sometimes Cissy makes quiet shushing noises like she's soothing a small animal, hands outstretched and useless, but sometimes she can't stop herself, sometimes she flinches back, flinches away from Bella, and Bella laughs and laughs and pretends that she doesn't break more with each flinch.
Cissy wants to fix her but Cissy doesn't understand, Cissy thinks that Bella can still be fixed, and Bella wants to laugh because what else do you think happens when someone breaks?
-oOo-
When Bella's younger, before she really knows what sex or pregnancy or birth are, she thinks that, a long long time ago, she and Andy and Cissy were all in Mother's belly at the same time. She pictures them drifting around in there together, laughing and dancing and playing, until one day Bella gets bored and pushes her way out - and then, two years later, Andy; and then, two years later, Cissy.
She imagines, too, that when they were all snuggled up inside Mother, they got to choose which parts of Mother and Father they wanted for themselves, splitting up all those traits evenly between the three of them. Bella gets Father's glossy black hair, Cissy gets Mother's golden locks, Andy gets a mix of the two for her pretty chestnut curls. Cissy gets Father's talent in Transfiguration, Andy gets Mother's Potions prowess, Bella gets a mix that becomes a passion in Magical Theory - the origins of magic, to be specific.
Sometimes, Bella wonders, about the one family trait she never dared split between them when she was younger. She thinks about Andromeda, who abandoned everything to marry that Mudblood; Narcissa, who gave up everything she could've been to become a housewife; and herself. She wonders who got the short end of the stick there, and then she laughs.
It's not a question, is it, that she's the one who got the Black Family Madness?
-oOo-
She rakes her nails down her arms, across her body, smiling as the blood wells and drips because if she's hurting on the outside it doesn't hurt as much inside, because if she's hurting on the outside it's easier to hold on and not get swept away by what's on the inside.
She wants it all to just end except something (her magic, she knows sometimes, when she can remember what she found studying the origins of magic) keeps healing her when she can summon the strength to try except something just won't let her.
(It's the first time she wishes her magic wasn't so powerful.)
-oOo-
She thinks about the Longbottoms sometimes. No, she thinks about the Longbottoms a lot-times (many-times?), when they brush by and she sees her Lord's fall over and over and over and each time she can do nothing, each time she is useless, because she casts the Cruciatus over and over and over and dear Alice and Frank say nothing give nothing except they have to know because her Lord was searching for them right before he fell and if they don't tell her what happened it's because she's not hurting them enough because they aren't afraid enough because she's just a useless little witch who'll never be as good at war as a wizard.
She thinks about the Longbottoms and she envies them, sometimes, because make no mistake she saw, the moment their eyes went blank and they left everything behind to find that place deep down inside them where it didn't hurt so much. Except she can't find that place, no matter how hard she tries, not with them pulling her to the surface, trapping her in the glass and then shattering it, little pieces of crystal sparkling through the air. She wishes someone would take mercy on her like she did the Longbottoms, wishes this all would just end.
And also. She's been under the Cruciatus before, remembers how it burns, and if she's burning then she wouldn't be so cold all the time, right?
-oOo-
Some days, it's only the thought that her Lord will return that keeps her alive. Most days, there isn't even that.
-oOo-
The day Grandfather Pollux and Great-Aunt Cassiopeia decide that Andy is old enough to be poisoned at dinner, and she just collapses on the stairs to their room after dinner, and Bella shoves the antidote she stole from Mother's stores down Andy's throat but her sister still doesn't twitch, not for an hour - two - three - all through the night - and she hears Great-Aunt Cassiopeia say something to Grandfather about the dose being too great for a five-year-old and Bella glares into the wall that separates them because yeah, Andy is only five is younger than Bella when they started poisoning her is possibly d-dying - but then Grandfather replies that Andy is expendable (whatever that means) since there are three girls (no boys but Uncle Orion and Aunt Walburga have just got married so maybe they'll get lucky there - and Bella vows to hate any cousins she might have from there).
The day her hands close around the mottled black fur and twist, and she tries not to throw up as Nocte - as it - goes limp in her grip, and Father snaps at her to look at him and so she looks up and smiles because no daughter of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black would have a scrawny scrappy not-even-part-Kneazle kitten for a pet because no daughter of Cygnus Black would balk at the thought of getting rid of the vermin because Cissy was the one who snuck the cat inside but her sister's only four but her sister's in too much trouble already but Mother murmurs that Bella is her sisters' protector, from everything (including Father especially Father).
The day she kills a human for the first time (no, no, no, why is that on the list when it was just a filthy Muggle she didn't even have nightmares over, not over the way he slumped, eyes suddenly glassy, dull, after the green light dimmed - you have to mean it what does that say about you?)
The day Andy leaves, because their-family-their-love-they-Bella aren't enough for her to stay, because Bella catches her kissing that Mudblood Hufflepuff she's friends with at the festival, because Bella sees them and doesn't ignore them and cackles, asking what Andy's doing, asking what Mother and Father will say, asking whether the Mudblood will be worth it - which isn't a taunt at all, which is an actual question, which Bella knows Andy knows because she hisses, Yes, and chooses him over them over everything else, and Bella returns home and crows (because she has to! Right?) that dear Andromeda's run off with a Mudblood, Tonks, and that they got away before she could drag them back to face Father and Grandfather and everyone (and she doesn't mention that she didn't even try, but that's for her own sake, that's to protect herself, that's not for her traitor - blood traitor - sister).
The day she's under the Cruciatus for the first time (and she doesn't even know why that's on the list either because that was necessary, that was for training).
The day Cissy is wed, because Bella can't keep her safe from the world that wants to grab her and mold her into that petty little socialite Cissy's always wanted so desperately not to be because Cissy, beneath all that perfect-darling-youngest-daughter-ness, is supposed to get a Transfiguration Mastery - something even Father and Grandfather agreed with! - except with Bella studying Magical Theory and training in the Dark Lord's ranks and not even marrying Rodolphus Lestrange (who's not even the eldest son, but who's weak and thus so much easier for Bella to control) yet, and Andy-Andromeda disowned for marrying a Mudblood, they're scared about the future of the family so Cissy will have to marry Lucius Malfoy straight out of school (so of course it's all Bella's fault all Andromeda's fault).
The day she hears that her Lord is dead - no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no- he was supposed to be immortal he was supposed to lead them all to victory he wasn't supposed to fall to a baby he was supposed to show her how to make everything right how to make the world stop hurting her - and everyone is a traitor just like Andromeda because suddenly they're all 'breaking free of the Imperius', not even trying to search for him not even pretending to be loyal not even imagining that he might come back that he might just be lost that he'd said that death couldn't touch him, and she has to do something except nothing she does does anything and she's useless and she can't make anything go right and it's all falling apart - but still she laughs when they arrest her, shouts that The Dark Lord will rise again because she doesn't know how she'll go on if he doesn't.
Sometimes, she has nightmares. She prefers those, even though they're filled with Cissy's screams and Andy's screams and Mother's screams and her Lord's screams and everything that is worse than death (that she knows all too well) and the knowledge that nothing she can do will save them - because at least with nightmares, she can wake up.
She wakes up screaming, but no one notices because there's always someone screaming, always someone whose voice hasn't given out yet.
-oOo-
Cissy wants to fix her (Bella thinks - it's hard to tell what's real and what's not, nowadays) and Bella wants to laugh because fixing would require getting her away from the thing that's breaking her in the first place, right? And no one escapes Azkaban.
Spring Seasonal Challenges
Days of the Year & Religious Events: May 15th - International Astronomy Day: Write about a member of the Black family
Aquarium Month: Heater: Write about someone cold being warmed up.
Library Week: Horror
Crayon Day: Shadow
Children's Book Day: The Cheshire Cat - (action) Smiling
World Autism Day: Write about someone who doesn't like change
Zoo Lover's Day: Lion: Write about a powerful female.
Siblings Day: Andromeda, Bellatrix & Narcissa Black
Crystals and Gemstones: Ametrine (action) laughing in the middle of an argument
Hufflepuff Challenge: Inside the Tornado – Amanda Marshall – Prompt: write about a person feeling a moment of clarity or an epiphany
Writing Club: April
Record Collection: Shackles, Mary Mary: Write about freedom.
Written in the Stars: (relationship) Mother/daughter
Book Club: Moira: (plot point) an escape, (word) prison, (trait) resourceful
Showtime: A Boy Like That - (trait) Smart
Lizzy's Loft: (word) Trouble
Elizabeth's Empire: Home - Cavetown / (emotion) distress
Liza's Loves: (Plot Point) Getting cursed - (shiny - bonus)
Sophie's Serial Killers: Prompt: (scenario) Disapproving parent(s)
Scamander's Case: (prompt) write about being burned (literally or metaphorically)
Film Festival: (word) Notorious
Marvel Appreciation: Spidey's webbing - Write about someone getting 'wrapped up' in something
Lyric Alley: I was broken from a young age
TV Spree: (Plot Point) Returning something
The Forecast Says… 2nd: Sunny with clouds: Hysterical
EnTitled: The Five - (plot point) searching for treasure or something very important
Gen's World Tour: Siberian tiger - Write about someone worried about losing a part of themselves
Resolution Evolution: Write a fic with a word count between 1,500 - 3,075 words
Spring Funfair
Guess The Number of Eggs In A Jar: AU: Prison!AU, Guess: 500
Cherry Blossoms: Akebono Cherry - (task) Write about something ending after 5 or more years have passed.
Urban Safari Checklist: Cape Buffalo - (scenario) a heated argument between two characters
Paint a Rainbow: Brown - Angst
Tree Planting: Spruce - (trait) Loyal
Teddy Bears Picnic: Pork Pies - (plot point) a death
Birdhouse Building: Step 1 - (theme) Remembrance
Spring Petting Zoo: (word) skittish
Spring Parade: Winnie-the-pooh - Piglet - (Emotion) Anxious
Piñata: Easy - (Weather) Thunderstorm
Salad Bar: Toppings - Croutons: Write a character breaking down under stress.
Hogwarts Library: The Martian - Andy Weir: (Theme) Abandonment
Leaving On A Jet Plane: Shanghai: (Character) Narcissa Malfoy
365: (action) screaming
Scavenger Hunt: Write a story including flashbacks
Fantastic Beasts: Lamia - Character: Bellatrix Lestrange