Waking up in my childhood bedroom is always just a little disconcerting. At least my parents have taken down the marching band photos and upgraded the bed to a Queen size. I think it's just something about the sunlight coming through the curtains that makes me feel like a kid again. But the feeling passes quickly as the kid inside me kicks me again.
"Hello, baby button, I murmur to him rubbing my abdomen to encourage him to move his little feet. Unfortunately he shifts right into my bladder, so much for rolling over and catching a few more winks. Instead, I haul myself out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom.
Out in the hall I can hear Lulu's excited voice drifting up the stairs. She's really jabbering away at someone. Once I'm done with my morning needs I make my way downstairs.
"Mama! Look!" Lulu shouts when she spots me. "Gramma made bunnies."
She points to a plate of pancakes that takes me back to my childhood. Round pancakes with long ears, chocolate chip eyes, jelly bean noses and licorice whiskers.
"Were you going to eat all those yourself?" I tease Lulu ruffling her curls.
"No, Mama, some for you."
"And me?" Josh asks, stepping into the room with a cup of coffee.
"Yes, Daddy." Lulu agrees quickly.
"Oh coffee, gimmie." I reach for his cup, but he holds it just out of my reach.
"Are you sure this is the one you want?"
"Josh! I just want a sip. I'm not going to drink all of it."
"You say that now. . . ."
"Are you really withholding that life giving elixir from your pregnant wife?" I growl at him but he just laughs. He knows that I really do follow the one cup a day recommendation from my OB and he also knows that it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that one drink of his will end with me finishing the cup.
"Not withholding." He insists even as he continues to literally hold the cup away from me, "offering an alternative."
"What?"
"Your Mom watches Lulu while we run to Starbucks."
"Oh."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." I plant a quick kiss on Josh and zip up the stairs before I can change my mind. On my way up, I pass Finn, Julie, and the kids on the way down. I'm sure they'll enjoy the pancakes. I think there's a breakfast sandwich in my future.
. . . . . . .
"Time to go!" Finn bellows from the foyer just as I step out of the bathroom.
"Hold your horses." I grouse at him with a little glare, he should know that pregnant women need to pee before they leave the house.
Josh just smirks, steering clear of the sibling rivalry. I think he's just glad that he's not the one causing any delay. Lulu missed her first egg hunt three years ago because he wasn't quick enough but he's never made that mistake again.
"At least we don't have to worry about traffic or parking." I remind him. Traveling with agents is sometimes a pain but at least there are some benefits.
"Okay, let's go." Josh insists, tilting his head down to Lulu who is holding his hand while bouncing up and down, with her basket grasped firmly in her other hand.
Marco and Kate are ready too, wearing their windbreakers and holding their baskets.
"Okay, let's go." I agree, hustling everyone out towards the vehicles.
. . . . .
Josh hovers around the edge of the 3-4 year old area with Mom. They both have cameras so the moment will be well documented. As soon as the whistle blows the preschoolers cover the area like a swarm of locust.
This is the first year that Lulu is in the section without parental help and Josh looks nervous, but she handles herself just fine. She picks up three eggs that are close by right away. Kate gets a couple as well. Then they run towards the middle where there are still some eggs but also where the masses are converging.
Chip is scanning the perimeter, his eyes returning to Lulu every few seconds, her bright purple jacket making her easy to spot. I'm glad he accompanied us on this trip, even though I bet his Mother would like him home. On the other hand, from a Mother's perspective, this is a pretty safe assignment for him. Not much danger at the Annual Elver Park Easter Egg Hunt.
Just then a familiar wail goes up from the middle of the group and I realize I spoke too soon. Both Josh and Chip sprint onto the field. I have to say, I'm fairly impressed at how fast Josh is moving. I think he's going to get to Lulu first. Although I think he was closer to begin.
He scoops her up and I see him looking at her hand. That's what motivates me to start moving. I assumed she was just frustrated but if she's hurt . . .
As I walk forward I realize Julie's right next to me. We're both pretty laid back parents but if there is actual trouble, watch out.
Josh is back to the boundary before either Julie or I step over the line. Chip and Kate are following along behind him. Kate looks worried.
"What's the matter baby?" I ask, reaching for Lulu, even though I'm really not supposed to carry her at this point.
"Someone stepped on her hand." Josh holds Lulu's hand out towards me, rather than shifting her whole body into my arms.
"Is Lulu okay?" Kate calls out.
I give Lulu's hand a quick glance before answering in relief. "She's going to be fine." I assure Kate, and the rest of us as well. "The skin isn't broken. It's just a little red."
"Should we get an x-ray?" Josh asks urgently.
"No, let's just go back to the house."
"I wanna get eggs." Lulu sobs.
I don't think all these tears are from pain. I think she's just overly excited and probably a little tired. She was up later than normal with her cousins last night. I think she needs a nap far more than an x-ray.
"Here's your basket." Kate says holding it up.
"Thank you Kate! That was so nice of you to bring Lulu's basket too." Kate beams at my praise and Lulu stops crying once her basket is back in her hands. Seeing her grip the handle of it without flinching has me all the more convinced that this is very minor on the injury scale.
"Come on, let's go watch Marco, then you can open them up and see what you've got, okay?" Julie asks Lulu, who nods.
Now that Lulu has stopped crying Josh looks a little less concerned, he nods his agreement and we all troop off towards the 7-8 year old area. We find Dad and Finn holding down a picnic table nearby, so Julie plops Kate down and she and Mom try to get closer so they can get some pictures, but the whistle blows and the kids go wild.
"Geez, it's like Lord of the Flies out there." Josh jokes.
"8 year olds on an egg hunt are in it to win it." Finn reminds him. "One of those eggs has a golden ticket for a new bike. That's like street cred for a year."
"What is this, this hood?" Josh laughs.
"More than Westport." Finn harasses him back.
"You're both being ridiculous. And I don't think they actually even give away bikes any more. I think it's a gift card."
Josh and Finn both look disappointed. "That's not really the same." Josh mutters, to which Finn nods his agreement, both of them looking at me like I've just spoiled their fun.
"I always wanted to win the bike." Finn confesses, with Josh nodding sympathetically.
"You never even celebrated Easter!" I point out.
"Still. . . ." Josh responds, "I would have wanted to win the bike."
"Look, they're done." Dad points out. "They cleared that field in less than a minute. That might be a new record for that age group."
Josh looks duly impressed. "You keep records?"
Dad just rolls his eyes and smirks at me. Sometimes Josh is very gullible.
"No. No you don't." He chuckles. He's gullible, but only for a fleeting moment. Still it's always fun for the second it lasts. And it's nice to see him and my Dad relaxed enough around each other for it to happen.
"How'd you do?" Finn asks Marco who joins us, holding his basket victoriously. It's completely filled.
"Nice job!" Dad whistles. "I think you're better than your father."
"Well, let's open them up and see what we've got."
Julie produces a grocery sack from her purse for the egg shells, and the kids start opening their eggs. Lulu only has four but she's pretty happy with the small pieces of candy and stickers in them. Kate has six and one of hers is a jumbo. It has a cute little rubber duck with bunny ears on it inside.
Marco is really going to town opening his as fast as he can. He's amassed a small pile of candy but it's clear that he's only interested in getting a prize. I hope he's not disappointed. When he opens the last egg and it's just another package of skittles he looks up in dismay. His lips tighten for a minute and we all hold our breath.
But he just takes a deep breath and let's it out really slowly. "I really thought I was going to win." He admits quietly.
"I know, buddy." Finn says, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay to be disappointed. But it's how you handle that that matters."
Marco wrinkles up his nose for a minute then looks at his pile of candy compared to the girls. "I guess I did get a lot of candy. And it was fun."
"Yes." Julie agrees. "And we still have Easter Baskets and another egg hunt tomorrow at Grampa and Gramma's."
"Okay. Can I go play?" He asks pointing to a group of boys running around on the playground.
"Sure." Finn agrees. "Drop these egg shells off in the box over there on your way." He hands him the bag and Marco runs off.
"Whew." Josh exclaims letting out a breath. "He took that better than I expected."
"Yeah, he's doing pretty well on managing his feelings." Julie responds. "His school has a new counselor. She is running a new program trying to address emotional health. It's pretty amazing."
"Sounds like it . I think you're going to have to give me all the information because this sounds like somethingI want to tell the First Lady about. I think the White House might want to get behind this."
"Wow. Yeah, I'll email you the information. I'm not sure if it's something she's come up with or if it's something on a larger scale."
"Well if it's not, it should be. We don't talk enough about mental health. And when we do, it's stigmatized. Therapy should be as routine as dental hygiene! It just makes your life better."
Josh grins at me as I finish my rant. A little sparkle in his eye. He's pointed out that sometimes I sound a little unhinged when I'm up on my soapbox about the importance of mental health care and the irony is not lost on him.
Julie tilts her head a little, like she wants to ask a question but doesn't quite know if she should. I'm pretty sure I know what the question is. I guess we've only really ever vaguely mentioned it so if I'm going to promote talking about it, I should start with myself.
"Yes. I see a therapist regularly. So does Josh. We've been through some traumatic things and we have high stress jobs. Having a neutral person to talk to is good preventative care. In fact Lulu is going to join us at our next appointment, she sees the dentist every six months, she can see a counselor that often too."
"But . . . everything is okay?" Mom asks cautiously.
"Yes. We are all doing great. Very well adjusted!" Josh jumps in, joivally.
I know it's a little bit harder on him to put this out in the open. He's seen this topic ruin people's careers. It almost took the Bakers down. But he does know what therapy has done for him and he agrees that we really do need to do our part to change the narrative.
"Well good." Dad declares and stands up, effectively ending the conversation. "I don't know about the rest of you. But I'm ready to get home."
I feel a little cut off by my Dad's reaction. But Josh looks relieved, and in some ways it went much better than I expected, so like Marco, I think I just have to put my disappointment aside. Besides, I'm ready to go back to the house too. I need a snack.
. . . .
Mom doesn't harass me for grazing while she works on getting lunch ready. It's one of the really nice things about being pregnant. And this salami and cheese on crackers is really hitting the spot.
"So . . . is Josh excited that you're having a boy?"
"I think he'd have been just as happy with a girl." I answer, trying to keep my tone neutral. One of the things I've learned in therapy is that sometimes my Mom might not actually mean anything more than what she says. Sometimes I'm actually reading more into it than I should.
"Well having one of each is really nice." She comes back. Then she grins at me slyly. "And having two of each is even better!"
"Nice Mom, very subtle." I laugh. But it feels good. Really why should I be offended that she wants us to have more kids. It must mean that she thinks we're doing an okay job raising Lulu.
"So do you have any names picked out?"
"Well, I think we're going to go with a "J" name, we've got a list going but we haven't really started gravitating to anything yet."
"You should name him James after your Dad."
I can't help but bristle a little when she says stuff like that though. We should name him whatever the hell we want, and not take directions from her. But I take a breath before responding, so I'm able to be gentle.
"Well, part of the J would be for Dad, but in the Jewish heritage they don't usually name people directly after someone else, especially someone who is still alive. I really like Jacob, which was Josh's maternal grandfather's name, but Josh isn't really on board with that yet."
Mom purses her lips just a little during my explanation. I know she still doesn't really like that we honor the Jewish traditions but at least she's learned not to say anything about it.
"Will you at least think about using an Irish name? Since that's our tradition?"
"Sure. I'll think about it. Do you have any suggestions?"
"James."
"Besides James."
"How about Jack?"
"Jack is pretty much off the table too."
Although actually it was me that crossed it off, not Josh. Apparently, now that he's won, Josh's not nearly as bothered by the idea of naming our son the same name as someone I dated. Still it's just too weird to consider.
"Jacob really is a good Irish name."
"I know! You should help me convince Josh."
"I did pretty much give you Leonora." She reminds me with a smirk, which again I have to decide to not let bother me.
"Yes, you did and I'm grateful. I had my doubts but it really is perfect, even though we rarely actually call her by her name."
"Well, I'll look through the baby book later. Maybe I'll find something inspiring for this little one, too." She rubs a hand over my belly lightly and smiles at me. It's nice.
. . . . .
After lunch, it's actually not that hard to convince Lulu to lay down with me on the bed to read some stories. I'm almost completely sure that she fell asleep before I did, but when I wake up thirty minutes later she's still out, so even if I fell asleep first no one ever has to know.
Except when I sit up Josh is sitting at the desk, his laptop is open, but he's just looking at me with a sweet expression.
"What are you doing?" I whisper.
"Working." He answers back just as softly. I decide to let him have that. He probably is checking email. He's good about keeping up with it while he's on vacation so it isn't overwhelming when he gets back, but if he doesn't have a cell phone in his hand he's probably not doing much more than that.
"And I found this . . ." he continues, turning the laptop so that it's facing me. Of course it's way too far away to read, so I extract myself from the bed and amble over to look over his shoulder.
" " I read aloud while still using my softest voice, even though I'm not that worried. Once she's out, Lulu is a good sleeper.
"This website has everything." Josh tells me. "It's like that baby book come to life. You can search specific questions. Read articles. Even join a group."
"Like ." I tease.
"Yeah, maybe we should stay away from the groups. But look at this. You can search for names by gender and letter. There are 10,370 boy names that start with J. I'm sure we can find one we like."
"I like Jacob."
"I know but it's like the most popular name on the list. And I love that you're thinking of my grandfather but I'm a little worried that's going to be uncomfortable for my Mom. I'm sure she'll get over it if it's what you really want but maybe we can find something we both love. We did with Lulu, right?"
"Okay. Let me go to the bathroom and then we can look through them together."
When I return, Josh has a piece of paper and a pen next to him. The names are sorted by popularity, so the beginning of the list doesn't get us anywhere- "Jacob, Jayden, Jackson, James, Joshua, Joseph, Jordan . . ."
These are all too common for Josh's taste. I don't dislike any of them, but I don't like any of them better than Jacob, except maybe Joshua, but he's absolutely not open to that at all, though he did laugh for a long time at the mere suggestion of Josh Junior being called JJ to go with Lulu.
About half way down the list he stops scrolling, "Jeremiah?" He whispers "Leonora and Jeremiah." Then he looks at me.
"Hmmm. Put it on the list. I like that it's the same number of syllables. And it does end in the "ah" sound, we seem to really like that. What would we use as a nickname? Jerry?"
Josh wrinkles his nose a little at that. I agree it sounds like a little old man. Or Jerry Lee Lewis. That's not a pleasant thought at all. I don't think Jeremiah is going to stay on the list very long.
Josiah shows up near the bottom of the first page and Josh hesitates again. We already talked about this. He loves the idea of naming his son after President Bartlet, but it goes against tradition and he's concerned that Charlie and Zoey or Ellie and VIc might want to use it in the future.
"You can put it on the list." I remind him. "Even if we don't use it, he'd probably like the honor of being on the short list."
Josh smiles a bit then writes it down. If he chooses that I'd be okay with it, but I really don't see it happening.
"Judah." I read off the list. I like it.
"Jude the dude." Josh quips, making me second guess how much I like it. But he's smiling as he writes it down on the list.
He scrolls a little farther and a name jumps off the page. "Jonah." We both say at the same time.
I suggested Joanie when I was pregnant with Lulu but Josh didn't like the idea. I wonder if Jonah is too similar? And it's also a nod to his Dad. That really appeals to me. Noah would still be on the top of my list if Josh would consider it, but I'm not going to have that discussion again.
"Jonah." He repeats as he writes it down without asking. That alone tells me that he must really like it.
"Mama?" Lulu calls out, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Glancing at the clock I see that she's napped for just over an hour. That's about all we can expect these days, and much longer than that throws off her bedtime anyway.
"Hi sweetheart. Ready to get up?"
"Uh huh." She rolls over on her stomach and slides out of bed, scampering over to us.
"Can I play Leapfrog?"
"Yes or we can go see if Kate is awake and you can play a game with her."
"Kate! Kate!" Lulu chants. I'm glad they get along so well. They don't get to spend a lot of time together but it sure is nice when they do.
When we get downstairs, we discover an even better surprise.
"Carly! Anna!" Lulu screams running to her older cousins. Anna is already holding Kate so Carly scoops Lulu up. Julie pulls out her phone and takes a quick picture of the smiling girls. My Mom will love it.
"So, a little bird suggested that perhaps if you all had a couple of babysitters you might be able to have an adults night out." Anna chortles.
"A little bird?"
"Uncle Josh!" Carly chirps.
God, I love that man.
. . . . .
Waking up for Easter morning isn't quite as disconcerting as yesterday. The second day in my old room is always easier. Plus given my delicate condition, I'm not hung over. Plus I'm also not in college anymore. That was a memorable year. Actually, I don't think Finn or Josh is hung over either. They both had quite a few drinks, but over the course of the whole evening including dinner it's not that big of a deal. I guess I have to grudgingly admit that Josh's system really isn't that sensitive.
The bedroom door slowly opening catches my attention. I bet Josh is sneaking in. He thinks he's so stealthy. Sure enough, his face comes into view a second later.
"Oh good, you're awake." He greets me as he slides the rest of the way into the room. "Good morning."
"Morning. Where's Lulu?"
"She's downstairs. Your Mom has breakfast on the table if you want to eat before church."
"Yeah. That's a good plan. I need some coffee."
"Your wish is my command." He smirks, holding up a ceramic to-go cup.
"Is that Starbucks?"
"No but it is the way you like it. Dark roast, 1 cream, 1 sugar."
"I love you." I declare flippantly, reaching for the coffee.
He hands it over with an easy smile. "I never get tired of hearing that."
His response makes me pause for a second, remembering that it wasn't always this easy. "I really do." I say again, a little more earnestly. "I love you. I love our life. You're the best thing that ever happened."
My eyes start to water a bit. Damn hormones.
But Josh caresses my face. "I love you too."
We just stare into each other's eyes for a moment before Josh stands up. "Tick tock. If you want breakfast you'd better come downstairs. I don't think we can get away with skipping church on Easter."
He's right.
. . . .
On the way home, Lulu takes great delight in showing Josh her art project from her class. It's a blue piece of paper with a brown semi-circle glued to it. Another brown circle is attached with a bracket. Lulu moves the circle to show a black area behind it.
"See, it's empty." She declares. Josh looks confused. But I get it. I made the exact same craft when I was her age. It's supposed to be the empty tomb.
"They put Jesus in there." Lulu tells him. "But then he disappeared. And then he showed up in the garden."
She turns the paper over to show Josh stickers of Jesus and a bunch of flowers on the back.
"Ah. I see. Very nice sweetheart."
Josh really doesn't seem to mind that she's learning two different faiths, but I have to wonder if this is good for her. Are we setting her up to choose for herself or not to believe anything at all?
And what is going to happen with this little guy? There are special ceremonies for Jewish baby boys. Are we going to keep them? And do they mean the same thing if his Mother isn't Jewish?
So far we've managed to juggle both our families expectations. And this weekend has gone remarkably well, so I definitely don't want to start a holy war with my family by telling my Mom about my doubts. But I think Josh and I have some things we have to decide.
Besides, the rest of today has very little to do with religion.
. . . . .
The kids Easter baskets are lined up on the table when we get home. It's nice to have all of us gathered together even though it's really getting crowded. But looking at the older grandkids with their baskets, I realize that we probably don't have very much longer like this.
Conor's already off to college. Anna, Aiden and Liam will be soon. Even Carly. They are all growing up so fast.
Still, they aren't too old to enjoy their Easter Baskets. And it's fun to watch them. The last basket on the table doesn't have a name on it. Just an embroidered "L." I recognize it from when we announced we were expecting Lulu. She surprised me that year. But I knew she'd have one for the baby this time.
It has a blue onesie that declares "Somebunny loves me." That will work for summer even though there's no way it will fit him next Easter. There's also a couple different types of pacifiers. Hopefully he'll take to one better than Lulu did. And a tube of blueberry puffs that I see Josh eyeballing. I don't know why he likes those so much. There's also a silicone bib and a bundle of muslin blankets. It's a perfect basket.
"What's this?" Josh asks, pulling out a piece of paper tied with a blue ribbon.
Mom smiles mysteriously as Josh slides the ribbon off, then he smiles too and hands it to me.
It's a list of boys names. James is at the top.
. . . . .
After lunch it's time for the annual Moss family Easter Egg hunt.
"We're getting too old for this, aren't we?" Anna declares.
"You're just afraid you'll LOSE!" Her brother taunts, to which Anna shrugs. Anna really has been over this for a lot of years.
"Like any of you can beat me?" Liam announces.
"You're going down, man." Aiden shoots back.
I guess as long as the two of them view it as a competition with the family honor at stake, they won't feel like they are too old for this.
"I think we need to gang up on them." Carly muses. "Conor- you and Marco are a team. Anna, you help Kate. I'll help Lulu. We need to teach those boys a lesson."
"We'll see about that." Liam tells his sister with a smirk.
This could be interesting. Of all my nieces and nephews, Aiden and Liam are the ones we've spent the least amount of time with. They were young when I moved away and grew up during my busiest years. And they're so focused on baseball, they've never spent a vacation with us, though we have travelled to see them play a few times. Still they are nice boys, I don't think they'll ruin this for the little ones.
As per our family tradition, the grandkids line up by age. Lulu is first out the door. Kate is only 8 months older, so she gets to go 30 seconds later. But after that we make Marco, Carly and Aiden each wait a full minute after the one before.
"I'm only 10 months older than Aiden!" Liam cajoles the second Aiden is out door., "I shouldn't have to wait a whole minute."
"Fine. 40 seconds." I compromise, Aiden ran around to the front, so the little kids still have the backyard to themselves with Carly helping both Kate and Lulu so far.
After I let him go, Liam races to the front as well, stopping to grab an egg off a high tree branch on the way.. I only wait until he's out of sight before I release Conor and Anna, since they plan to help the littles.
It really is fun watching the kids swarm the yard. Sean, Bob, and Josh did a really good job hiding the eggs, and this year they added some that look like rocks and grass to make it even tougher. Josh stuffed those with cash as an added incentive to find them. I think he's hoping that will make them willing to do this again next year.
"40." Aiden declares, "AND $25 cash money." He shoots a thankful look at Josh.
"Ha!" Liam responds. "I have $35. I win."
"Hold on!" Aiden demands, immediately seizing on the nuance. "How many eggs did you find? That's the true test."
"37." Liam admits, "But obviously I found 2 more of the super eggs."
"I win!" Aiden boasts.
"Now, you hold on." Conor interjects. "How many eggs do you have, Marco?"
"42!" Marco announces as he finishes counting, beaming at Conor in awe. It's pretty obvious that the little girls don't have that many, but they don't seem to care. They are happy just sorting the eggs by color.
"Marco is the WINNER!" Liam shouts, giving his little cousin a high five.
"Great job, Marco!" Aiden gives him a high five as well. The little boy is in heaven to have impressed his idols.
"Let's go downstairs and play Wii baseball." Liam suggests and the four of them head off together.
"Well, I'm glad it ended well." Finn says. "You guys have raised some good kids."
"I remember a few years where we just about came to blows." Sean laughs pushing Finn lightly in the shoulder.
"Yeah. But we had a good time." Finn agrees. "Good memories."
. . . . .
On our way to the airport, Carly and Lulu sing little songs. I love that she gets to spend Spring Break with us, even though Peter is probably the real reason she wants to come to DC so much, it's still a chance to really build memories together. And I"m glad Lulu is getting to know her cousins so well. We aren't perfect but we are family.
I think Josh feels the same way. We may have different traditions, but it doesn't matter because we have love. We'll work out the rest. He grins at me as Lulu and Carly skip around the VIP lounge wearing the plush bunny ears that were in their baskets.
"Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity Hoppity, Easter's on its way."