Amanda slipped away from their table without Fin or Phoebe noticing. She stopped once at the door, glancing back at the dance floor. Her eyes landed again on her coworkers and a tight knot in her throat threatened to choke her. Alex, Casey, Sonny and Rafael were having the time of their life up there, dancing and laughing with drinks in hand. She expected as much from Sonny and Casey but Alex and Rafael? That was quite the surprise.
When her eyes flickered to Olivia and Brian though, the knot in her throat threatened to overwhelm her. Olivia's back was turned to her but Brian seemed to smile charmingly to the brunette. Why wouldn't he? He wasn't the one Olivia had shut down a few months ago, was he? With a shake of her head and a hard push, she shoved the door open and escaped the cacophony of loud voices and even louder music. They wouldn't even realize she was gone.
The blonde detective plugged her earphones in and turned the volume up as possible. The need to block everything out was too great to refuse. She let her legs take over while her mind was preoccupied, but no matter how hard she tried to keep the images of the couple dancing in there away, they still resurfaced time and time again. The way he was touching her. The way he was looking at her and smiled. It was torture. Plain and simple. She deserved to be up there with her, not him. She was the one Olivia was in love with. She had said so herself two months ago under the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park.
Amanda still remembered the way her heart had beaten at the confession, her whole body had been buzzing with warmth and excitement. But, unfortunately, that radiant smile her lips had sported had turned into a frown when Olivia explained why they couldn't be together. Lieutenant Benson couldn't be in a relationship with one of her Detectives, let alone a detective seventeen years younger than her. Amanda snorted, wrapping her arms tighter around her. What a load of bullshit! Apparently Olivia cared more about her image and her precinct than she did about her happiness.
The brunette was trying hard to appear happy but Amanda knew her better than anyone. She couldn't deny or ignore the vacant look in her eyes at times; a look that Amanda recognized from her own mirror. Still, she didn't say anything. She didn't call out her Lieutenant and she certainly didn't get between the "happy" couple. She respected Olivia's wishes and backed off. She tried to keep her distance by keeping everything either professional or at least friendly. She was the only one struggling but no one seemed to notice. But during nights like this, when they all went out for drinks or dinner or whatever, she couldn't pretend. Not when Brian was all over her. Those nights were the hardest.
Lost in thought, the blonde detective didn't even realize when she arrived at Central Park. She noticed when her feet stopped in front of the water fountain. Their fountain. She contemplated of leaving but as if on cue a very familiar song started playing in her ears. A song that reminded her of their relationship. Apparently everything was completely against her tonight.
She glanced down at her phone with her finger hovering over the skip button, which was when she noticed four new messages; one from Fin, one from Sonny and two from Olivia. She didn't open any of them. So much for not noticing her absence… She couldn't find the will to answer to anyone at the moment. She simply put her phone in airplane mode, pressed the replay button, locked it and forced it into her pocket, letting the song play again and again. Maybe she was a masochist but this song and her memories were the only thing she had.
Glancing around, Amanda noticed a few couples or group of friends scattered around the fountain but no one seemed to be paying attention to her thankfully. Each and everyone lost on their own little world; exactly like her. She lowered herself on the ground and leaned her back against the stone wall of the fountain. The chill was creeping up her bones but at the moment she didn't care about the cold. She pulled the zipper of her leather jacket all the way up and gathered her knees against her chest letting the lyrics feel her mind.
She told me that she loved me by the water fountain
She told me that she loved me and she didn't love him
And that was really lovely 'cause it was innocent
Her mind flickered with past images of brown eyes under the moonlight, of brown hair swaying against a soft September breeze, of strong lean fingers caressing her cheek, of soft lips fitting perfectly against her own before pulling away.
But now she's got a cup with something else in it
It's getting kind of blurry at a quarter-past-ten
The regret in Olivia's eyes had shattered her heart. She knew what was coming before she had even spoken and the only thing Amanda could think was how much she needed a pause button, so she could freeze time before she fell apart. But life didn't stop whenever you wanted. Instead she had stood there listening to Olivia's reasons that prevented them from being together. Frozen. Numb. She couldn't respond at the time. She had let Olivia slip from her fingers instead of fighting for her, all because she felt abandoned again. Alone. She had watched Olivia walking away with her head lowered.
And he was in a hurry to be touching her skin
She's feeling kind of dirty when she's dancing with him
Forgetting what she told me by the water fountain
Now he's grabbing her hips, and pulling her in
Kissing her lips, and whispering in her ear
And she knows that she shouldn't listen
And that she should be with me by the water fountain
And now she was with him, having the time of their life on that dance floor, playing family at Noah's and Olivia's house. He was the one that could touch her and kiss her. He was the one to take them on trips and dinners and picnics when she should be the one to do all that. She should be the one to cuddle against Liv every night. She should be the one reading bedtime stories to Noah and sooth his nightmares. She doubted if Brian could do all of that.
She couldn't be at home in the night time because
It made her feel alone, but at that time she was too young
I was too young
Young. That was one of the reasons Olivia had given her; one of the reasons that it couldn't work. Because Amanda was 17 years younger than Olivia and Amanda was too young to commit to a child that wasn't her own. In Olivia's words, Amanda might think that she wanted it now but in a few years she was going to regret it.
And yes, Amanda couldn't know how a few years from now where going to change her but neither did Olivia. Instead she was standing there assuming while Amanda was too frozen and speechless to argue. So yes, Amanda didn't know what the future could hold for her but she was sure for one thing. She loved Olivia and her little boy with all of her heart and she was willing to sacrifice everything to be with them.
I should've built a home with a fountain for us
The moment that she told me that she was in love too young
I was too young
She should have told her that night instead of standing there like an idiot gaping. But she was too much of a coward to claim what she deserved, to show how much Liv and Noah meant for her. They were her family. Instead she respected Liv's "wishes" and pretended that it didn't happen. Even though that wasn't what the brunette wanted. She knew that. When someone got too close to Olivia, she tended to push them away afraid that she might get hurt. Amanda knew that. Idiot
And if she ever goes back to the water fountain
The handle will be broken and the rust set in
But my hand, it will be open and I'll try to fix it
My heart, it will be open and I'll try to give it
A few tears slipped from her ocean blue eyes, leaving tear tracks on her cold rosy cheeks. She wished that Olivia would give her a chance to show her everything; to show her how much Amanda loved them both. If she could only see how it was killing her to stay away or how happy they were making her when she was spending time with them.
Now I'm grabbing her hips, and pulling her in
Kissing her lips, and whispering in her ear
And I know that it's only a wish
And that we're not standing by the water fountain
Amanda imagined being buried in Olivia's arms, held tightly and feeling safe and happy, laughing by the water fountain; their water fountain. But it was only a wish and wishes were for children, weren't they?
The familiar scent was enveloping her. The faint smell of coconut was making her mind swam. And why was she standing? Wasn't she sitting curled up in herself merely five seconds ago? Who was hugging her?
Suddenly her earphones were forcefully removed from her ears and a set of worried brown eyes were staring back into her own. She could recognize these eyes anywhere. She had been looking at these eyes for the past three years almost every day.
"O-Olivia? What are you doing here?" Amanda gasped, unable to believe that the brunette was standing in front of her.
Olivia's fingers dug in Amanda's arms almost forcefully. "What were you thinking?" she exclaimed in fear, shaking the young detective a little. "Do you know how worried I was?" Olivia pulled Amanda against her and hugged her tightly.
"I-I am sorry. I just needed to get out. I couldn't stand…" she started explaining but quickly closed her mouth and pulled back from Olivia's embrace, hesitantly looking up at her.
Olivia looked at the red rimmed eyes and the tears against Amanda's cheeks. "What happened? Did someone hurt you?" the concern in her voice confused Amanda to the fullest. On one hand, it filled her soul with warmth and made her heart quiver with love but on the other hand, it made her so angry. Olivia didn't have the right to be concerned about her wellbeing.
"No." she bit back and pulled away completely, refusing to look at Olivia's worried eyes. "I am fine." She crossed her arms in front of her chest, giving Olivia the cold shoulder.
"Don't lie to me, Amanda." Olivia scoffed, taking a step forward, her chest almost touching the blonde's back. "What's wrong? Why did you leave?" she muttered.
Amanda considered lying again but what was the point? She berated herself for being a coward before, didn't she? Maybe it was time to stop. Maybe it was time to come clean. "I can't."
"You can't tell me?" Olivia questioned, placing a hand on the blonde's shoulder. She nudged her towards her in attempt to look at her face again.
"I can't see you with him. I can't stand seeing you so happy with him. I just can't." Amanda finally confessed, trembling. Her tears were falling freely down her cheeks now and Olivia couldn't stand the sight.
"Amanda, what are you talking about?" Olivia raised a hand and brushed her thumb against her cheek, wiping away her tears.
"Cassidy, Liv. I saw you two dancing together without a care in the world. And you know what I think?" Amanda was seething. Olivia had never seen her so angry, so distraught before. "It's really egotistical and pathetic being with someone you don't love just because your ages match." Olivia smiled at that, shaking her hand, which only managed to make Amanda furious. "You think this is funny? My suffering amuses you? Is that it?" She growled like an angry dog.
In a blink of an eye, Amanda's growl was swallowed by Olivia's eager lips. The butterflies erupted in Amanda's stomach and the furious fire turned into a trembling flame, as Olivia's lips swallowed her anger. Maybe time stopped when their lips met or it was just Amanda's heart that stopped. She went from dreaming this moment to living it in a few minutes. Amanda's arms came up to wrap themselves around Olivia's waist pulling her urgently as close as possible. Every breath Amanda took smelled like coconut and for the first time since she'd known herself, she felt alive and content.
When they finally came up for air, Amanda looked up at the slightly taller woman hesitantly but they didn't pull away from each other. Amanda held tightly as if her life depended on it while Olivia caressed her cheek with so much affection that it turned Amanda's knees weak.
"Cassidy is just a friend, Amanda. I was trying to get over you. I wouldn't mislead anyone like that. Why would you think that?" she whispered softly, smiling at the blonde and hating herself for causing her so much heartache.
"I- I don't know."
"What didn't you tell me how you felt?"
"You had made yourself clear, Olivia. We couldn't be together. You had your reasons." Amanda pointed out, placing the blame on Olivia even though she knew that she should equally blame herself. Olivia saw past that though.
"Yeah well, I am an idiot. What's your excuse, my darling Georgia Peach?" She chuckled; the teasing nickname turned Amanda into a weak mess. Her entire body was brimming with affection and love.
"I suppose that makes two of us." Amanda smirked, biting her lip. "Liv, remember what you told me that night?" Olivia nodded, remembering that night to the last detail, especially how Amanda stood there and didn't say a word. Prompted by the nod, Amanda continued. "I know what I want. I want to have a family with you. I want to raise little Noah with you. I love you and your little angel and that will never change. Never."
Amanda's confession brought tears in Olivia's eyes. No one had ever made Olivia a priority in their life. Hell, even Olivia put herself second or even third. But Amanda? Amanda was making Olivia and Noah her entire world and Olivia would be an idiot to push her away. "Okay."
"Okay?"
Olivia nodded; her enthusiastic smile matched Amanda's to the last detail. She leaned forward to capture her lips again only to pull back at the last moment. "On one condition."
Fear and worry flashed at the ocean eyes. "Which is?"
"If you ever turn off your phone again, I swear to God I will shoot you with your own gun. Am I making myself clear, Detective?" Olivia threatened with a fierce glare.
Amanda released a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Crystal, Lieutenant." She chuckled and tugged Olivia down claiming her lips for a kiss that felt like home.