"Car rides to Malibu. Strawberry ice cream, one spoon for two. And tradin' jackets. Laughin' 'bout how small it looks on you."
I should've just blocked Moon by now like all my friends advised me to do. The breakup was hard. And sudden. One day we were fine and the next I see him in a deserted hallway making out with the one girl I wouldn't ever be able to bring myself to hate.
I should've seen it coming. The way he thrived off of female validation since the mohawk went up should have been a warning sign but I was too caught up in the drastic personality change to really notice anything was wrong. Ok well, I did but I chose to ignore it. I thought it was just a phase. He didn't get much female attention before me and I thought he was overwhelmed and that's why he was acting the way he was. Of course I was uncomfortable with all the flirting but when I addressed it he just brushed it off, told me I was being paranoid, and then changing the subject to his newest victim. As if hearing about some kid he beat up was going to distract me.
I didn't even react when I saw him with her. Honestly, I laughed because of course this happened. Of course this happened because I was an idiot who saw the best in him even when there was basically none left. I just laughed and then I walked away ignoring Hawk who immediately jumped off of her and ran to me trying to protest and explain himself. I just shut him out, walked to my car, and drove away ignoring his cries for me to listen to him. I just drove in silence. His actions didn't hit me until I went home. I didn't cry for hours after it happened. I don't know if I really processed it. I think I still believed it was just a bad dream. But when it finally hit me. It hit me hard.
It's been about a week since it happened and I haven't even left my bed. Sam and Yasmine have had to slide pizzas under my door. I learned that Yasmine can be a really great friend when she wants to be. I know I'm surprised too. Admittedly I was a wreck. And logging onto Instagram didn't help. The first thing on my feed was a selfie of Moon and Hawk holding an ice cream cup with her in his leather jacket and her fringed one on him. I most definitely did not chuck my phone at the wall from the sight of it.
This is going to be a fun next couple of weeks.
"Watching reruns of Glee. Bein' annoying, singin' in harmony. I bet she's braggin' to all her friends, sayin' you're so unique."
They showed up to school on Halloween as Finn and Rachel from Glee. I am not even going to talk about the wasted opportunity there. Hello? He has a mohawk. Puck has a mohawk. Ok nevermind that's not even important. What's important is that Glee was Hawk and I's show. Is he even trying to come up with new ideas? Or is he doing it on purpose? Isn't kicking someone when they're down his favorite pastime?
Yasmine's having a party tonight. I will not be in attendance. I'm 100% positive Hawk is going to show up with an eager Moon on his arm showing him off every second she can and I am not in the right headspace to walk in there and not shove him into the pool. I will be in my room with Sam watching a shitty horror movie with its only appeal being Joshua Jackson and stuffing my face with the candy my parents bought for me to hand out to the trick-or-treaters. And so that is what I do.
I manage to forget about the infuriating mohawk boy for about 45 minutes (a new record) until my dumbass decides to go back on Instagram. Why don't I just delete the app I have no idea. It's not like I enjoy putting myself through this. Because the world hates me of course there was a new post from Moon on my feed. And they were singing karaoke because of fucking course they were. Hawk would never do this type of thing in public. But he would do it to get and keep a girl's attention. Which I know because it's a classic jackass move and he is a jackass. Plus he did it with me. The list just keeps adding up now does it. And then when I reached back down into the candy bowl I came to find it was empty because again, of fucking course it was. I've always hated Halloween.
"So when you gonna tell her that we did that, too? She thinks it's special, but it's all reused. That was our place, I found it first. I made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you, do you get deja vu?
(flashback to a couple of months ago)
"Mona come on we're going to be late." Hawk says as he not so patiently waits on his bike for me to come out of my house.
"Late for what Hawk I have no idea what we're doing." I quickly slip on my sneakers and my jacket and run out to where he's parked giving him a small kiss on the cheek before I plop down behind him.
"Well if I told you it wouldn't be as fun now would it sweetheart." he says, a small smirk pulling on his lip which was quickly swatted away by me hitting his helmet.
"Ok hot stuff I want to see what you planned so start driving."
"Your wish is my command."
We drive for about 15 minutes in an area I didn't really recognize. The only places I go are pretty much the school, hawk's house, the dojo, and golf n stuff. And all of those are basically in the same direction. Hawk barely spends time outside of the dojo so I wonder how he knows about this area. It's beautiful. We drive for a couple more minutes along a very badly paved road until we see a gorgeous ice cream shop.
"Well we're here." he says as he hops off the bike and holds out his hand for me to take it.
"Holy shit this place is gorgeous." I say in awe. "How did you find it?"
"I found it on one of my bike rides. I thought you would like it."
"Like it? I love it Hawk." I say as I give him a quick peck on the lips. "It's perfect."
"Good because I was worried I was going to have to play it off if you didn't like it."
"Well good thing I did. Come on let's go in I'm starving." I exclaim while grabbing his hand and dragging him to the shop.
"What do you want?"
"Oh please you already know Moskowitz."
"Yeah, I do. Grab us a spot I'll be right back babe."
I walk around until I see a table under a large willow tree that I throw my jacket on. I sit down and take in the view until I hear his voice again.
"One strawberry ice cream milady." he says as he hands me the cup.
"You didn't want anything?" I say with a spoonful of ice cream already in my mouth.
"Nah gotta watch the figure for karate. I might take some of yours though." he slyly says as he reaches his hand over to my cup.
I shake my head immediately swatting his hand away "Hell no."
"Come on Princess just a little."
"Fine." I say grudgingly, handing him the ice cream. "Dude not that much!"
"Too bad I paid for it so technically I can have as much as I wan.t"
I flip him off. "I hate you"
"We both know that's not true." he says as he leans further into me, our lips almost touching.
"Yeah maybe."
He leans in and kisses me.
"You taste like strawberry ice cream."
"Well yeah I would assume so." he says while smirking as he leans back down to kiss me.
I think strawberries might be my favorite flavor.
"Do you call her, almost say my name? Cause let's be honest, we kinda do sound the same. Another actress, I hate to think that I was just your type."
Sometimes I think about the parallels between me and Moon. I'm honestly surprised about how many there are. We're obviously not the same but we're both pretty spiritual and bubbly. I wish I had her optimism though. I think that's where we differ. I used to have it but when you get your heart stomped on it's not as easy as one would think. So that goes back to the question of why did he leave me for someone who is basically my twin? Just to fuck with my head? I mean I wouldn't be that surprised if that was the goal. Well, good job Hawk you got what you wanted.
Yasmine comes to find me as I'm hiding in my locker in fear of seeing them today. I'm a coward. I know you don't have to tell me that.
"Are you signing up?"
"For what?"
"The Encino songwriting contest thingy." She says acting like I was supposed to know this random piece of information.
"No, I'm not." I say peeping my head out for a second to shove it back into my locker again.
She pulls me out of the locker roughly. "Why not?"
I break out of her grasp. "Bitch I'm still in mourning"
"Come on Mona." she says. "Men suck. They always have sucked and they always will suck."
"Yeah well, I know that."
"Yes so, you need to show him that you don't care about him."
Fuck she's right.
"Well I mean that would be a great idea but that seems hard."
"Ok I give up I honestly don't really care but think of it." she says as she shoves a flyer into my chest. Turning around to walk away.
"Wait wait wait wait wait fine." I yell while grabbing her arm pulling her back.
She smirks. "Thought so."
My momentarily feeling of hope was interrupted by one of the voices I did NOT want to hear right now.
"Don't go baby I'm going to miss you."
Shit. There are no exits or classrooms I can hide in.
"Yas pretend you have something to tell me."
"Oh wait I actually do so this loser tried to talk to me this morning and I was like-"
I stopped processing her words 20 seconds in. Sorry, Yas.
"Sorry babe I have to go to karate or Kreese is going to make me doing conditioning all day."
"Fine but call me later ok?"
"Ok mon- moon. I promise."
My eyes widen. Fuck. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Yeah, I did.
"Come on Yas let's go." I whisper scream while pulling her arm and running past the couple.
I'm royally screwed right now, aren't I?
"And I bet that she knows Billy Joel. 'Cause you played her "Uptown Girl". You're singin' it together. Now I bet you even tell her how you love her in between the chorus and the verse."
All this girl does is sing and ruin my life I swear to god. She organized a protest against violence or some shit like that and was singing songs outside of school trying to get people to donate? I tried to avoid her I really did but like there is literally no other entrance into the school so my plan was just to speed walk and hope for the best?
As I was practically sprinting inside I heard her announce her "next act" first of all we're at school why is she doing a whole ass concert but that is beside the point.
"This next song is super special to me because my boyfriend Hawk," sweet Jesus. "Played this song for me on our second date. I play it all the time whenever I need to calm down and get back to reality so I thought I would sing it for you guys today." Oh hell no. Out of every single song in the whole world he chose that one? What did I see in this guy again?
I may or may not have turned around and stormed back to my car, called Yasmine, and convinced her to skip with me. And I may or may not have had to lie to my mother and tell her I had a stomach bug. And I may or may not have caught eyes with him on the way out and gave him the middle finger.
Honestly, I'm not ashamed to say I did because that fucker deserved it.
"So when you gonna tell her that we did that, too? She thinks it's special, but it's all reused. That was the show we talked about. Played you the songs she's singing now when she's with you. Do you get Deja Vu?
(flashback)
"IT'S A QUARTER AFTER ONE IM ALL ALONE AND I NEED YOU NOWWWW I SAID I WOULDN'T CALL BUT IVE LOST ALL CONTROL AND I NEED YOU NOW" I scream over the tv while I watch Glee in my room.
"Mona what the hell are you doing." a confused hawk says as he enters my bedroom.
"I'm watching the best tv show of all time Mr. Mohawk man." I say to him with my eyes not leaving the screen.
"Not glee again." he groans but still sits down on the bed next to me.
"I'm sorry that you can't appreciate cinematic genius."
"You call this cinematic genius?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"Yeah ok." He says grabbing my waist and bringing me down with him as he lays down against my pillows.
I continue watching the show as he plays with my hair until I let out a giggle.
"What?"
"You kinda look like that guy."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's hotter though." I joke.
He fakes upset "You hurt me, Mona."
"Your Mohawk is better though." I say trying to cheer him up. "His is just sad."
"You're damn right." He says finally paying attention to the tv. He points to the girl singing with him."You kind of look like that girl."
I smile and turn my head to look at him. "That is such a compliment you have no idea."
"Why are they singing together?"
"I think they're trying to make this character Finn jealous. I always hated him."
He furrows his brows.
"That's weird I would've thought they were together."
"They were. For about one episode. They were really good together I feel like they had a lot of wasted potential."
"We can be them but if they actually worked out."
"Sounds like a plan." I say while laughing.
I sit up on the bed and grab his hand pulling him up too.
"What's happening."
"You are singing with me."
"Nope."
"Please" I whine. "For me?"
"I don't even know this song."
"Bullshit yes you do I've heard you sing it before."
He moves closer putting his hands around my waist ."Why would I sing when I could just listen to you."
"That's true I am pretty amazing." I say flipping my hair back.
His eyes move back to the screen. "What the hell is going on in this show?"
"Everything you could possibly dream of right now."
"Tell me more." he says suddenly very interested.
"Well Finn and Rachel are broken up because she found out he lied about his virginity and-"
I keep info-dumping about the show while Hawk just looks at me with pure adoration. How could someone who looks at someone like that end up breaking their heart 3 weeks later? I will never know the answer.
Strawberry ice cream in Malibu. Don't act like we didn't do that shit, too. You're tradin' jackets like we used to do. Yeah, everything is all reused."
I made a scrapbook with all the memories me and Hawk shared a couple of months ago. It was supposed to be a 1-year anniversary gift but obviously, I will not be giving it to him now. Inside are things like pictures I've printed out of us and other small things like a business card from that ice cream place we used to go to. My favorite picture of us was when he made us switch jackets on a date:
(flashback)
"I'm cold"
"I told you that you would be cold and did you listen?" He asks expectantly.
"No. I didn't" I hang my head. I lift it to notice his leather jacket that he's wearing. "You're jacket looks really warm." I widen my eyes.
"No. No way" He says protesting.
"Please. Aren't you like cold-blooded or whatever. You can be like a snake. Isn't that your life's goal or something?"
"That made zero sense."
"Good." I pause. "So….?"
He rips off his jacket handing it to me. "Here."
I smile.
"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"
"Have I ever told you how much I loved you?"
"No" I giggle. "Say it again"
"I love you," he says while visibly shivering.
"Shit now your cold." I frown until an idea comes to me. "Here." I say throwing him my bomber jacket.
"There is no way this is fitting over-."
"Over your monstrous biceps? Just put the jacket on hulk."
He puts the jacket on furrowing his brows at how tight it is.
"Ok, maybe it's a bit small on you?" I say trying to hold back a laugh
"Yeah, you think?"
I cannot control my laughter as I look him up and down in the patterned jacket "Awww you look so cute."
He fakes being pissed "Yeah yeah I look great." He moves to take the jacket off but I quickly stop him.
"I'm sorry I need a picture of this."
He glares at me "Fine but you will never show anyone this you understand?"
"Yeah yeah I understand." I quickly snap the photo and then take off the jacket handing it to him. "I've made you suffer long enough. Besides, I want to go inside and beat your ass at ski ball."
He grabs the jacket while laughing. "You wish Prescott." Then he grabs my hand and leads me inside but not before pressing a kiss to my forehead.
That was my favorite memory of us. Sucks that Moon and he did the exact same thing. Honestly what hurts the most is that he doesn't even care that he's not making new memories. He's treating me like I meant nothing and by reusing the same exact souvenirs of our relationship on a new girl who probably means that little to him too.
I'm done with feeling sorry for myself over a guy who treats girls like they're nothing because he's too worried about his bad-boy jackass image. I don't need him. So I picked up my pen and I started writing. And hey, maybe Yasmine was right. Sitting around feeling sorry for my failed relationship was going to get me nowhere. But I will.
"Play her piano, but she doesn't know. That I was the one who taught you Billy Joel. A different girl now, but there's nothing new. I know you get déjà vu."
I wrote a song. And a good one I think. I wrote about a guy who runs from his problems. I wrote about a guy whose toxic masculinity is going to self-destruct his life. I wrote about a guy that I don't need anymore. And for the first time, I actually believe that.
"Mona I'm having a party tonight and you're coming." Yasmine says as she slides into the desk next to me.
"I don't know Yas…"
"Well, I do. I'm tired of you being boring. Come out tonight."
I pause considering all my options "Ok fine. I'll go."
"Sam, Mona said she'd actually come tonight!" Yasmine says as Sam enters the classroom.
"Are you sure you're up for it? I mean I'm super excited you're coming and all but Hawk is probably going to be there."
"Yeah, I know… But life goes on right?"
"Right! Finally, you've come to that realization." Yasmine says putting her hand on my shoulder "You are going to be super hot and maybe we can even find you a hot guy." She says while raising her eyebrows.
"Yeah sure sounds like a plan," I say turning my attention to the teacher who just walked in.
"Great come to my house around 6:30 I'll make you look cute."
"What's wrong with how I look right now?"
"Do you really want me to tell you?"
"No. I really don't."
"Thought so."
I spent the rest of the school day slowly dreading this party. I don't think I've been out of the house since the whole thing with Hawk happened. I definitely considered bailing but I knew Yasmine was never going to let me live that down so I showed up and let Yasmine work her magic.
"Ok, you are officially gorgeous." She hands me a mirror so I can admire her work. Her words, not mine.
"Thank you, Yasmine. I really appreciate this."
"Ok Mona enough sappiness let's go party." Yasmine says as she pulls me to the door.
"Here goes nothing." I mumble under my breath heading down the stairs.
It was weird at first. I was kind of walking on eggshells. I kind of just milled around with my half-filled drink of something I didn't even want to know the content was. I've always had a little social anxiety. It was a lot easier when I had Hawk to help me start conversations with people. I was just sitting in a corner watching people until he showed up. Alone. I mean I'm not surprised he came. He never misses these parties. I'm just surprised he didn't show up with Moon hanging on his arms. He caught my eye and it looked like he was walking towards me. I freaked out immediately looking for an out and I got one when Yasmine ran up pulling my arms to the center of the house insisting that we dance and how could I say no?
I danced with Yasmine for a little while. She just had hits 1 playing on her stereo but everyone loved it all the same. It was the first time I hadn't really thought or cared about him in a while. We kept dancing until suddenly I was caught off track by the radio host introducing a new song. I was drunk and processing words was hard but I froze when I heard my name.
"Did I just hear that right Yas?"
"Huh?" She said pulling her focus away from a guy she was eye-fucking across the room. "Wait are they-"
"Yeah, I think they are." I said not being able to keep the smile on my face. I turned my attention back to the radio.
"And now introducing for the first time on hits 1 radio, Mona Prescott with Deja Vu."
Sam runs over to me "Oh my god Mona your song is on the radio."
"Oh my god, my song is on the radio." I said grabbing Sam's hands and jumping up and down.
"Mona I'm so proud of you." Yasmine says hugging me.
"I can't believe this." I say, definitely not trying to hold back my tears.
I move forward to the wall right next to the radio sitting against it suddenly having trouble breathing. I felt my phone buzzing uncontrollably. Probably from my family hearing about the news but I couldn't look at it. I was feeling so many things all at once but most of all I felt free. I felt like I got the closure I didn't get with Hawk. I looked around the room and caught his eye and I gave him a small smile. I finally realized I didn't need him and when I looked away from him to see the rest of the party-goers enjoying my song I pretended not to notice the look he gave me that said he did.