Pouring My Heart Out To You
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show, but I own this little piece of the letter that we all can't stop thinking about. I wanna throw my normal shout out to my discord GC fam, who have read everything i've written, who have supported my stories about our two favorite idiots, and for their guidance along the way. I love every one of you with all of my heart!
I also wanna thank idrinkwater1994 for being a great friend and idea creator, who deals with even more of my scream texting about our two favorite idiots. I love you so much!
Olivia,
I've picked this pen up at least a thousand times over the past 10 years and could never find the words I've wanted to say; could never find the words to beg for your forgiveness, because the words "I'm sorry" don't justify the 10 years of hurt I've caused you Liv. I am however, bound to try and convey to you how sorry I am, and how much I wish I could take away all of your pain.
This is actually my second letter to you; the first one I wrote on the plane to JFK, before Kath's death, before I saw your face for the first time in 10 years. That one could never compare to the words I have to say to you now; could never compare to what I'm feeling right now as this pen glides across this paper to you. The day I met you 23.5 years ago, was one of the best days of my life. I knew, from the very moment I laid eyes on you that I would never forget you. You, Olivia Benson, with your too big suits, your dazzling smile and the sparkling brown eyes. Lord knows that from day one, you stole my heart and you've had it every day since. Not one day has passed in the last 10 years that I haven't thought of you. Liv, you were and are my world- besides my children- and everyone, even Kathy knew it. In Rome, I tried to give Kathy what I thought I could give her; a Loving husband and devoted father and I wanna believe that I gave her that. She knew though Liv; she knew that I had left my heart in New York, in the hands of the one woman I couldn't and honestly didn't want to live without, but would for my family. I'd give ANYTHING to turn back time Olivia, to tell you that not one bit of me leaving was because of you or because of something you did. (You forget I am your best friend and I know exactly what you are thinking). I left because I was no good for you then Liv. I read and saved every text message, and I listened to every voicemail. On the days I missed you the most, I'd read them and I listened to the voicemails, just so I could hear your voice. I knew that if I called you or answered your calls, and heard your voice really rolling into my ear, that I'd have come home in a heartbeat and you deserved to have a healed me and not the broken parts of me. I'm just sorry that it took me moving halfway across the world with my family in order to try to heal. I knew that if I didn't, I'd bleed on somebody who didn't cut me and you didn't deserve that Liv. When I knew I was coming back to New York, Kathy knew I was gonna try to find you. Calling Fin first, instead of you, was the hardest thing, because all I wanted was to hear your voice. Finding out about your award, and then Kathy's insistence that we go, was her acceptance that I wasn't going back to Rome. She knew that the moment I saw you, that I'd never leave again and she was right. Losing Kathy the way I did, even though she knew how I felt about you, even though we were semi-happy, it was heartbreakingly devestating. She knew Liv…. she knew laying in that hospital bed that she wasn't gonna make it, and she made me promise her that if something happened to her that I would let go and finally tell you the truth. She said you deserved to know the truth. She knew you and I were soulmates Liv. You are the best and greatest parts of me Olivia, you always have been and always will be. Beside my children, my greatest accomplishment in my life was and is that I was the partner of the Incomparable Captain Olivia Benson of Manhattan SVU. I am so, so very proud of who you are and who you've become Livia. You're a mom Liv! A MOM! Your son really won the mom lottery with you and I hope he realizes that as he gets older. I missed so much of your life Liv and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry for every stupid, bone headed mistake I made. I'm Home now, for good Liv and I Promise, I swear to you that I want to make this right. I have to get justice for Kathy, for me and for my children and I know you understand. But even after that, I'm not going anywhere. The Only thing I'm not sorry nor will I ever be sorry for, is how I feel about you Liv. I've had time to come to terms with it, and I know you have too, and it's time for you to hear the truth. I hope you're actually reading this letter Liv. If you are, Once you're ready to hear what I have to say, come find me. That way you can hear me say the words you've deserved to hear from me for 23 years face to face, instead of on this paper.
Semper Fi Liv,
Elliot "The Idiot" Stabler