One

"Must you be so irritating, Sherlock?"

"No, Mycroft. It's entirely voluntary, I assure you."

"Do you know how difficult you are making things for me?"

"Yes, of course."

"I take it you are enjoying yourself, then?"

"Well there's certainly nothing else here to enjoy."

"You're being incredibly tiresome, Sherlock. John would be terribly disappointed if he were to find out."

"Is that supposed to make me behave? Threatening me with John?"

"Well, you always seem to listen to him. He can make you act like an actual human being on occasion."

"A human being? Why would I want to be one of those?"

"Because human beings are allowed to marry other human beings. Or should I alter the paperwork filed for your wedding?"

Sherlock narrowed his eyes and said, "I'd accuse you of extortion, brother, but considering your "minor role" in the government, you'd probably take it as a compliment."

"Don't be ridiculous, Sherlock."

"I was under the impression that you think I'm always ridiculous. Didn't you say it was my 'natural state' or some such variant?"

"You make everything far more difficult than it needs be. Why won't you do anything the simple way? Honestly. Just put on your suit and go to the ballroom. For half an hour. Just 30 minutes, Sherlock."

"No."

"Sherlock!"

"I won't do it. You can't make me."

Two

"You know I prefer to text, John."

"And yet, you picked up the phone and you're still talking to me."

Sherlock did not respond.

"Is it because you loooooove me?" John teased.

"I won't be dignifying that with a response."

"Ha! So, make any of Lestrade's team quit today?"

"Hmm… no. But it's quite early. Only 11. There's still time."

Three

"Oh my god! How did you do that?" the new recruit exclaimed.

"Quite spectacularly, I must say." Sherlock answered with a self-satisfied grin.

Lestrade rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Lestrade."

"I didn't say anything!"

"Yes, but you-"

"Yes, yes. 'But I was thinking and it was annoying.'" He said.

Sherlock huffed.

"Explain how you did that!" The new recruit interjected excitedly.

"That would be entirely pointless." Sherlock assured him.

"What? Why?"

"Because though I can explain it to you, I can't comprehend it for you. And you, I am certain, are an idiot, entirely incapable of even the most basic levels of comprehens- What on Earth are you doing?! Step away from that!"

The recruit squeaked.

"These imbeciles are destroying the evidence, Lestrade!" Sherlock exclaimed.

"Calm down, Sherlock," Lestrade sighed.

"Remind me, why can't I strangle your recruits?"

"Because they're the future of Scotland Yard and all that rot," Lestrade spouted.

"If this is the future, it is quite obvious to me that Scotland Yard is destined to fail."

"Yeah, I already knew that, thanks."

Four

"Sherlock, dear. When will John be back from this conference?"

"Not soon enough, Mrs Hudson."

"You are telling me, dearie. You've nearly given me a heart attack twice today. You're much calmer when he's around, you know."

"Yes, Mrs Hudson, I do know."

"Well, would it kill you to mind yourself until John is back? I don't know how much more of your surprises my heart can take."

"Anything for you, Mrs Hudson."

Mrs Hudson smiles sweetly at him.

"Now where is my tea, Mrs Hudson?"

Her lips pursed, "Not your housekeeper, dear."

Five

"Good afternoon, Ms Reynolds. I need to ask you about the murder of Charlie Fulbright," Sherlock announced as he entered the interrogation room.

"Oh my. Hello to you. How are you doing, baby?

"'Baby'? You're eighteen years old. I could be your father."

Arianna Reynolds smirked and said, "If that's what you're into…"

Sherlock snorted and replied, "No. Emphatically no. That's really not my area."

Arianna put a playful frown on her face and said, "You don't like sex? With a pretty face like yours? Honey, a face like that gets you anything you want. And I bet you like it filthy."

Sherlock quirked an eyebrow, "Isn't all sex filthy?"

"Only if you're doing it right, honey."

"Well, that is good news. I'll let my fiancé know that we've been doing it right for all this time. I'm certain he will be relieved to hear it."

Arianna sighed, "Damn it. Gay and engaged. I should have known."

"Perhaps now we can talk about where you were at the time of Charlie Fulbright's death?"

+One

"So, you got yourself arrested? Again?" John asked as the officer unlocked the cell.

"Yes, obviously." Sherlock said as he stood up and walked toward the bars.

"What did you do this time?" John asked when the cell opened and Sherlock walked out.

"Oh, nothing serious. There were only a few small explosions." Sherlock brushed the question off.

John gave a look that expressed his disbelief. "Mhmm. I'm sure. Define 'small explosions' for me."

Sherlock smirked slightly and said, "Explosions resulting in minimal amounts of property damage and causing no serious bodily harm."

John shook his head, still unsatisfied. "And yet you somehow ended up in a jail cell."

"The explosions might have been precipitated by a miniscule amount of a restricted substance."

"They might have been?"

"… They definitely were precipitated by a miniscule amount of a restricted substance."

"I see. And why did you experiment with illegal explosives?"

"Bored. I was so unbelievably bored, John. I was positively dying of boredom."

John sighed, "At least you're still in one piece."

"Yes, I've limited myself to three potentially deadly acts per day just to make you happy," Sherlock deadpanned.

John rolled his eyes, "Only three? I'm touched, love. I can't even imagine how awful that must be for you. Quite dull, I imagine."

"Oh, horribly so. But anything for you, my dearest heart," Sherlock sassed while he batted his eyelashes.

John scoffed, but said, "Stuff it, Sherlock."

Sherlock sniffed and John grinned in response.

"I am glad you are still alive though."

"Of course I'm still alive. I intend on living a long and successful life. Do you know how much that will annoy Mycroft? He thought I'd never make it to 35. I do so love to prove him wrong."

"So, who was the arresting officer this time?"

Sherlock scowled, "Donovan."

"Ha! She'll never let you live this down!" John grinned.

"I'm well aware of that, thank you. She was so smug. I don't think I've ever seen her look so pleased to arrest someone."

"Didn't she arrest the Southwark Strangler last month?"

"Yes. My statement still stands."

"Here you go."

"What is this?"

"Fish and chips. I was hungry. Decided to stop for din before I came to bail you out."

"You let me sit in jail for hours while you went out for dinner?!"

"Yes. Aren't you going to eat?"

"I'm not hungry, John."

"I know for a fact you haven't eaten since yesterday at lunch. You need to eat."

"Fine."

"Quit doing that! You're going to choke yourself, shoving all that down your throat."

"I never choke, John," he said, smirking. "It's a bit of a talent of mine. I thought you might have noticed."

John grinned. "I have definitely noticed that before, yes. But there's no need to tempt fate."

Lestrade rolled his eyes, "Oh god! Could we not?"

John cleared his throat and mumbled, "Sorry."

Sherlock winked at John behind Lestrade's back. John's cheeks flushed.