My self-hatred, your gorgeous world, (Our dreams cross each other)

by Yui Miyamoto

Many years later, Subaru unlocks what is hidden in the tree of Ueno…

Fandom: Tokyo Babylon / X
Title: My self-hatred, your gorgeous world, (Our dreams cross each other.)
Pairing: Seishirou x Subaru
Rating: PG-13
Description: Seeing Tokyo through its many eyes (…and maybe those who possess something called a heart).

Entry 3 – Many years later, Subaru unlocks what is hidden in the tree of Ueno…

Disclaimer – TB/X isn't mine.

Without telling me,
you sang to me.
To get through the distractions,
the answers are
so very clear
without the filth.

The core is not the shape.
It is the essence,
even these feelings change,
they are evolving.

Blind not yourself
Not to the realities set
before you.
Choosing and knowing are just
as important as enduring.

Though the light cannot touch
everything,
It transforms all that it does.
Though scared, it still
persists,
But to keep that purity,
the dirtiness
must exist to
be aware of
what is clean.

I exist, yes, because
of your cruelty.
Your apathy is my emotion.
The guilt is what
you kill for me,
To protect me from that hatred,
You become anger.
Yes, I learned that it
was you who
could see the things
that I was
unable to
understand.
It isn't naivete.

htiw dnatsrednu ot si tI
uoy that gnihtyreve
.evah

tsap eht thgif oT
erutuf eht ees ot
tneserp eht yojne ot
thgil eht si siht ,sey
detaerc uoy taht
tuohtiw

Showing it all in your
arrogance to
feed my humility.

If I could tell you
such a beautiful thing
without
explanations,

That is a dream
within
itself.

My self-hatred, your gorgeous world,
(Our dreams cross each other.)
by miyamoto yui

"The next stop/ will be/ Hamamatsucho. The exit will be on your left side."

Speeding between the tall, glass buildings, the small two-story houses, and the cement buildings, your eyes do not know where to focus. They're always being captured by the sky or the land outside the glass windows of the Yamanote train line.
Riding along, you aren't ever quite sure which trip is longer: The one inside your mind or the one you're watching passing before your eyes?

When does time stop and when does it begin when everything is so precise with no excuse to be late?
Things fade in and out in the blink of an eye and though you stand on your feet, you never know where you really wake up. The Yamanote goes round and round like the seasons that can deceive you and you will hear the summer wind but you're in not your hometown, but in a place that's not even close to what you're feeling.

It is kind of similar to when you are high on love.

A place is not something that is special because of all its buildings. It is special because it provokes an emotion out of you. Not a response nor an impression, but something you keep captive in your heart in silent wishes so that you'll be able to return to that time and place.

Tokyo isn't about the Tower. It is all the hordes of idols who sell appearances on magazines, large tvs, and AV shops to aim to go that high. It isn't about going to Shibuya Station to play the guitar outside the West JR Exit because you want someone to notice you. It is the everyday people who travel in trains with cigarette smoke and alcohol, changing suits at home to make a 'practical living'. It isn't about finding somewhere where you can stand out. It is about wandering until you find something satisfactory. It isn't about finding a true dream at all.

It is trying to remain innocent in peaceful sleep until you have to wake up to the conformity in the 'awake state' where you'll hate yourself all over again.
Everyone sleeps on the green JR line that enwraps the city so tightly. It seems that no one is ever fully awake. They just wander trying to see a place to fit. But never really find themselves wherever they go: Heart, Mind, Soul.
There seems to be a lapse of time when youth is embraced, but not knowledge. With knowledge comes a danger of losing that innocence that you have tried to preserve. But there are many things that do not protect you from such things. Life is life and though you try to prevent yourself from understanding by closing your inner vision, time will go on and it will force you to push you along.

Separate from the only consistent thing in this city (the clocks on the train platforms all over Japan), you will have your own time marker. It will be the realm where things begin and where things end. This does not ever mean where you are and where you are born. Rather, it is the realm where you felt that you were most like yourself. It is set off by a certain person. It is taken away by a certain situation.

But in Tokyo, you are not ever 'all there'.
You are divided between two things every second you open your eyes to your world: Time and place, heart and mind, student and teacher. Soul has nothing to do with it anymore because that is in an entirely different plane. People don't talk of such things though there are so many shrines that pretend to have any understanding of it.

Quietly, with earphones on, the boy with the black leather gloves takes them out again. It isn't time to listen to that yet. And the wide green and amber eyes stare out at the slanted water lines like marks from invisible spirits colorlessly painting the windows outside of the train. His hands represent the secret pagan-like religion no one really understands except the one who marked him. The people around him just know that when something is beyond their 'limited' capabilities, someone else has to intervene. He's the one who has to take the responsibility.
But what happens to the things that are left after finishing that 'responsibility' they obviously caused to become a problem? What happens to the invisible scars left?

No one can exorcise them from deep inside.

Especially not by himself.

The boy's youthful reflection slightly changes. He is aware of himself again. He sometimes forgets he is no longer sixteen and that he is twenty-five, but his baby cheeks only slightly changed to thinner ones.
His aura is the same. It's just not as cheerful as before. His thoughts begin to gradually take shape with the bitterness of knowing that there may be nothing such as hope. It's the extreme optimism of yearning hope that things will eventually become 'normal'.
In a span of two minutes, going from one stop to another, the absence of pain and the absence of feeling meet one another: To not be disturbed by others' thoughts and making them your own; to be able to become yourself without being discouraged by your own thoughts and actions; and to isolate yourself and yet wanting to be in a crowd of with other strangers who won't talk to you.

That is the purpose of the trains.
They provide human contact but with no words. Everyone knows they just want to get from place to place though they do not understand that they are just going round and round. There is no place to really go to but just stops to distract them so that they don't have to think about being lost within themselves.

The train is more than a machine. It sometimes is the only friend who will you give some kind of alone time even if it's the same place that crushes you with so many 'others' who are trying to make a living. Most of these people do not see the light of day, working from 7am to 11pm with a two-hour commute, leading to another prefecture.

Tokyo's residents' schedule is in miniature rush hours.
"The next stop/ will be/ Shimbashi. The exit will be on your left side."

The man's grip on the vertical railing loosens for a little bit as people go in and out through the thin, steel doors. He's at that little corner, but still, ends of bags hit him as if there wasn't enough room. And some people have no sense of space so they smack his open right hand.
Strangely, why do things always make the train seem so crowded when it isn't as bad as it could be? Then again, he sees some high school boys and their gestures tell him they wish they were playing outside of its stone walls.
He was even lucky to step into the same school at that time many years ago, let alone be treated like a typical student. Or rather, in general, a 'normal' human being.

The man's deep emerald and citrine eyes wander in between the other railway tracks and squint for even a peek of the water and bridges, especially the white one currently being renovated.
Distracted like everyone else on this train, though his body is here, he's in his own world.

/"I want to run away," I thought as I watched the dark window before me. Only sporadic pieces of artificial light came into view, passing and reappearing in different spots along the sides of the train tracks. Hokuto's head slept soundly on my right shoulder as I gripped onto the red handle of her shopping bag in between my black hands.
Seishirou's arm brushed against my left side and stubbornly, his elbow crossed over the invisible 'discretion' line into my space. I caught him as he looked at my reflection with that incredible smile staring at me.
I immediately looked away. I'd been caught and I hadn't noticed I was aimlessly watching him until he smirked like he won some kind of small reward for his persistency.
"You don't want to do that," he answered with concern as he leaned a little bit to his right.
Unable to shadow my surprise, my eyes became wide. "W-what did you say?" I stuttered as I turned my head with my cheeks burning. "I didn't say anything-"
"You can't get away from me," he interrupted as his bangs hung over his face. I only saw his white teeth, but that lower octave in his voice made it seem like someone else said it.
"I wasn't thinking about that," I thought as I watched for a glimpse in between the tall dark shadows hiding the tides of water. Unable to keep my mouth shut or open my mouth to answer guiltily, I just remained silent, hearing the roar of the wheels against the tracks.
His eyes followed mine and looked out. "I read in the papers that there was a new bridge being built around Tamachi station. Should we go see it right now?"
I lifted my hand and looked at Hokuto-chan. I couldn't look into his eyes because I knew they were already looking straight into me, slowly reading every thought without me saying them. And even if I did, I would have debated on whether or not to say it. Everything had to be calculated to a certain extent.

Maybe that was why I was never 'carefree' as my innocent face posed to show the world around it.

So, it was a comforting thought to know someone could understand the things you didn't want to say, even if your words were purely honest. Even honesty had its own limits. It stopped only a few meters away from crossing into 'another person's worries'.
I didn't ever want to cross that line voluntarily.

When I was about to open my mouth to say no because Hokuto was sleeping soundly, Seishirou-san lifted up his right index finger to his lips and shook his head at me. "Shh."
At that moment, he got up and grabbed my hand tightly. Then, he let go and took Hokuto in his arms. I blinked my eyes in amazement. "I think we should just go home-"
The train announced, "Tamachi station."
He ran out of the train and watched for me to come outside. I jumped out before the doors ate my long coat. People passed us as I lifted up my head to look at his tall figure, holding my sister in his arms. "Why?"

Without answering, he walked towards the exit and I quietly followed him in between the dark streets. How did he know where to go anyway?
And then, in between twists and turns, I looked up and stopped to see Rainbow Bridge only ¼ finished. Wrapped in wires, lifts, and cranes, it stood quietly with the water crashing below it.
I took a deep breath.
"Why do you like this bridge, Subaru-kun?" he asked, tilting his head awkwardly. It was almost comical. "There's nothing here."
"It's the closest thing to water." I answered, not wanting to look at him at all now. I was so moved, but I didn't know why. It was just a regular bridge, but when I first met Seishirou-san, it was making the headlines of the newspaper. I thought it was a sign for me.

I was praying for something to happen to me. Something to change the person I was into someone I could truly accept and love.

I looked to the ground, "I have never seen the beach before."
Then, I moved away from him and took a few steps forward to gaze at the bridge that was only one-quarter done. The instant I heard his footsteps coming towards me, my heart beat so much.

How much I wanted to run away and be someone new…

"Is my hometown so hurtful that you look like you're going to cry?" he whispered into my ear as I felt Hokuto's cheek on my shoulder. "I thought you said you loved this place so you wanted to protect it?"

"I do love it." I stopped and cut myself off. I almost completed it with, "Because you are here."

With his lips touching my ear and reaching deep into my heart, I closed my eyes and gulped when he told me, "Someday, I will take you out of this place. With that bridge."

My heart pinched within me. I let out a sigh of relief, as if there were crevices of air hidden inside of me that had finally found their way out. I crossed my fingers over my mouth and looked at the bridge because I couldn't turn around to look at him.
I didn't know if he was joking or not and I didn't want him to tell me "I'm just kidding" like he usually did at serious moments. At those moments, I always watched him anxiously, between faith and fear.

"I hope you will believe in me." He stepped away from me. "There will come a time when you won't believe in me, Subaru-kun, because this is the way with life. With or without me, you change everyday. You are not the same as when you first woke up this morning. So you must live to see if that means joy. Even if that happiness becomes more bitter with the growth of the ugliness that you hold inside of you."

"Why do you know?" I mumbled, not wanting to sob or else Hokuto would have really woken up.
"But even until after that time comes, believe in these words. When the bridge is completed, I will be there waiting for you to answer this question for me."
"How about if-"
"I will know. Don't I always know where you are?"

I didn't want someone always there next to me, just someone who could understand that I also needed some of the comfort that only other people could bring to your heart.

It was the first time in my life that I knew I could cry so much because I was happy. /

This second of light makes his eyes sparkle in their different colors. But as the doors open to let him out, he is back 'here'. His thoughts race along with his schedule speeding through his brain. Tokyo makes sure he doesn't forget that he is within its cemented, electrical arms.

It is only 6:07 in morning though and he's already done with his assignment. He just gets off the train at this stop because it is a habit to pass by this place everyday as if it were a shrine he had to pray to in order to keep sane to ask whatever it was up there to protect this breakable world.
He walks up under the overpasses and walks towards the water. There, there is nothing but a row of factories around the piers. The Bay is always as it is: Very quiet that you doubt there's anyone there.
It is the same any time of the day. He knows. He goes there every day, no matter what kind of weather, even if he knows there will be a typhoon with erratic winds and heavy rain.
Yes, he must come. He needs to visit that place to gain any kind of piece of peace. Yes, under the mourning sun that is blocked by the clouds right now.

He walks across the tar roads and stops in front of the crisscross gates of open yards. He crosses the cars in the parking lot and gets to the edge, right under that important white bridge.
Looking up, he pulls on his long, dark coat, and pulls out a slim cigarette. Silently lighting it, he breathes in and out. Closing his eyes and then opening them to see the water fall onto the bay as he stands under the unfinished, steel structure hanging over him. Yes, even this is pretty, even when the clouds are pressing against the city with all their might and tears.

He rests his chin on his palm with the white Mild Seven in between his slender fingers. Closing his eyes, he smells the fresh shower of rain that just fell. He opens his eyes to see the tar sprayed with water once more. Afterwards, he takes another drag of his cigarette and leans on the tall cement wall.

Pulling two earphones from his jacket, he starts listening to his MD player, but immediately regrets it. He forgot he put the list of songs that He gave him the year they met.
Subaru can't seem to press the 'stop' button though. He nods his head with the beat.

Though he cannot see the sun, it is rising, making the clouds in front of it mysteriously shine. But suddenly, there are only spaces of thin and thick clouds. Still, the sun cannot get through.
Why is Tokyo always so moody?

When he gets onto the train again, it is the eventful 8am commute on the Yamanote: That infamous shoving and pushing and squishing so well known around the world. Subaru is swallowed up by the waves of commuters. He can feel his fingers press against the door. His gloves hide the multiple scrapes on his fingers.

Yes, he has gloves again…only to remember.
Yes, it's only for memories' sake.

Subaru is glad sometimes that he cannot see what his hands felt. They probably held uncountable imprints by now and were unable to be healed with some memories reaching from his veins and straight to the recesses of his heart where the darkness stayed.
He watches the wave of buildings. Overlooking the overcast city, Subaru tries to block himself out of his own thoughts. But they keep on pushing and like his MD player, he can't even press the 'next' button for the next song. Why do you put certain songs into your selection even though you know you'll feel so miserable by the intensity of your innermost, selfish wants sung out by various people?

Becoming so used to things, he'd almost forgotten, but reality always pulls him back. It makes sure that he won't (or rather, can't) take anything for granted.

"It is time."
Subaru is a bit lost at realizing that he had spoken aloud. He half wants to know, and is half shocked that 'the future' always seems to mean 'today'. Your mind doesn't ever keep up with your age either. No matter how much time passes, it always seems like you are never prepared even if you told yourself the same thing a billion times.

So, when a dream comes true, there's always a choice: To always chase after it or to catch it and see what happens afterwards.

In a sense, though he always searched for Seishirou and Hokuto, he didn't want to catch up with them. He couldn't imagine anything afterwards.
It is like playing 'Go' and then not being able to see farther than the opponent. Only here, who was the person he had to defeat? Was it himself? And even if it was, was it the past or was it the present or was it the future one?

Subaru, without knowing, grips onto the window of the train tightly with his fingers. And he let go, taking a deep breath at where his feet had taken him. Even though he is standing outside of the park entrance, Subaru can't move. He looks up and around to check if anything has changed.

After all, he hadn't been here for about eight years. 1991 and 1999 held different Uenos though it stays in the same area. But like many things in Japan, the government always tries to keep things 'the same'. So, erringly, it looks as if he never neglected it for so long.

/"I don't love you. I just needed something to pass the time. After all, life is boring without 'goals'."/

Subaru glances around and the sentences circle in his head. This is the voice he always hears whenever he wants to enter this place.
Such a cruel voice. It is His voice.
This place is clashing once more inside his ears.
The eclipse of light and dark was happening again in the sky and he can't move to enter inside Ueno Park.
He is caught in a trance of his own device.

But today, he will confront himself. It is time.
The Tree is calling him like it did when he was little.

Slowly, as he goes past the music hall and the museums and towards the zoo, he stops in the middle of the open lot where the fountain is to his right and the row of leafless sakura trees to his left.
People move past him but he silently goes towards that one tree and takes off his white earphones.

"Why do you always interrupt me?" Subaru asks he slowly lifts his head up to see Seishirou standing at the top of the stairs leading to the tree that they first met under.
"Isn't your innermost wish to start all over again? To be able to relive those days that we were together with Hokuto?" Seishirou answers back pointedly, the knife within his words so directly poised and positioned in their attack.
Getting to the top step, Subaru turns his head to his left side and gives away a stone cold stare. "If I had to go through all that again, it would be worth it to see you again."

Seishirou doesn't even blink. Instead, he smirks. "Typical. You don't seem to understand anything, Subaru-kun."
Subaru's eyes do not leave the older man's face. "That I have been around all over Tokyo looking for you only to find that you were everywhere? That you purposely left everything for me to find you?"

Seishirou laughs and shakes his head. "Do you think I have enough time to participate in trite things like that?"
Subaru nods his head slowly, not letting his gaze leave Seishirou's. He keeps on staring at that white open hollowness. The beauty that had been left on his face, making the amber eye look more brilliant.
The assassin just watches him back blankly, almost to the point of boredom.

"Being quiet all these years, I realized something. I am able to exist because of you, Seishirou. I was able to be kind because you were cruel. And the people that always tried to hurt me, you killed them one by one for me because even if I wanted to hurt them for making me cry, I just couldn't do it, afraid of the repercussions. To keep my soul 'pure', I kept on fearing what would come back and to get what I want. I was afraid of what else I had to give up. I kept on thinking 'didn't I do enough?'"
Subaru steps past him and to the rope that stands between him and the Tree.

"And you didn't want to change me." Subaru walks towards the Tree.

Seishirou's lips tighten behind Subaru's back. He reaches out to grab Subaru's long jacket, but it is already too late. Subaru turns back with those kind eyes that have been hidden all these years. His tone becomes calm as he softly continues, "But you can't protect me from everything, Seishirou-san."

Just a centimeter's length away, Seishirou's fingertips softly scratch against Subaru's back. It is not enough. It is then that Subaru touches the Tree whose aura tingled under his fingers...

/As usual, he left for work in the early morning and no one knowing he even left his apartment. In the bare dawn, there were already more than a few people waiting to get from one place to another. Rubbing their hands against their covered arms, everyone looked as if they could make heat without being too obvious that they were so cold.
Yes, as always, he took the train to get anywhere. He wasn't used to being in a vehicle. It seemed like people always missed the little things when they were speeding from one place and getting mad at one another on the road.
Alone here, he would stand on the gray platform in a world all by himself. His mind was always filled with mixed anxiety: Half appreciative for his life, half hating the fact that he had wanted more and more from it.
Would he get out of there on time? Would it go all right? And after it, what would he do? Should he go wandering or come straight home?

He didn't want to go home though.
There wasn't anything that was exactly motivating to go back to except that person. Though that person is, in one loose sense, everything to him, there is still that part of him that wanted to stay away. Despite his inner protests, he had somehow grown so dependent on this person. He wanted them for all the daily things that entailed 'life' that he couldn't separate himself from them any longer.
And he was trying to break free from 'home'.

But a mental connection could not be broken when it involved a small piece of the soul.

It seemed to always be the same: The same question and problem, but in a different time and circumstance. Still, his heart knew what this 'space' was. It paralleled the quietness that he saw before him. This space was aware of everything and everyone around, and yet it was independent, almost like screaming inside a kekkai that no one could escape out of unless someone died in the process.

From what exactly he wanted to break out (his mind or his soul or his heart), he wasn't so sure. Because even though he told himself over and over that he'd take care of it since this was his own problem, he always looked at someone he deemed important for reassurance. It was a mortal flaw within him and he was fully aware of it. Even though he listened to everything that people asked him to do, especially his grandmother, there was that part that was unconfident. There was always that ever-growing doubt because to reward himself would have been a means of being arrogant.
He wanted to remain humble.
He couldn't be selfish.

That's what makes people so cruel to each other, he thought over and over again whenever he had to do an "assignment". For the more you fulfilled your desire, what happened after it? Was there another dream that could outshine that present one?
In a lot of cases, you couldn't even reach your first one…

Taking out some thin headphones, he slipped them into his ears to listen to that single voice. It was in many different tones and with just as many variations of people: The words had many different messages, but the feeling was always the same.
He nodded his head slightly and a small smile escaped.
"It's your CD anyway," he told the wind. And the player was from Him.
The music pumped into his ears. Words filled his head and their fingers stung deep chords attaching straight to the small chambers of his heart. He was mixed up as to what mood he wanted to feel and what mentality he wanted to be in today when he went back 'home'. It was the hardest part of the day, though he enjoyed the challenge. Surely, he'd find something motivating so that he could smile. He had to perfect that face of absolute calmness without showing his apathy because no one could've ever possibly imagined he ever frowned.
Or got upset with himself.
Or got mad.
Or felt other emotions of other people who were in the state of 'dissatisfaction' and 'unhappiness'.

After all, he had everything. He had a name. He was the heir and he was strong. He was handsome and useful to his society. Yet, why did he feel so outdated? So out of place even though he was 'needed' by everyone?

Was it because he was only a 'middle man'? Someone who helped another person, regardless of the reasons, to fulfill a 'dream' that forced a way to create that path, paving it with guilt, blood, invisible souls, wandering spirits and other not-so-pretty things?/

Subaru watches this small-spaced window in time and is forced into his sixteen-year-old self again….

/When I left that last case, I smiled my usual smile of politeness and walked all the way to the station. Somehow, I made it. I didn't want to call a cab. It meant that I would have to leave this place faster.
Even though I had places to go to, I didn't know where to go. There was no real place for me to go to.
Just for a tiny glance, I wanted to go pass by Seishirou's clinic. But if I did, then Seishirou-san, like clockwork, would have appeared outside of the door, as if he knew that I'd be standing there. It was uncanny.

Between that space of uneasiness and joy was my place of comfort.

Or rather, Seishirou was the closest to the place that I could escape from myself. The place where I didn't have to always carry my burdens by myself.

This time, however, I wouldn't give in. Yes, even I had pride. I didn't want to depend on him. After all, Seishirou-san had his own problems, and to bury him with my own would be selfish. I was used to carrying my own things, not giving them to others for safekeeping. Not even Hokuto. Yes, especially her, for she was the one that I didn't want to hurt the most.

So where could I go? As I stood in the middle platform between two directions, I got on the first train. It was going to Ueno. "Yes, that would be the place."

It was strange though. That place where the dream of that boy always disturbed me.

*push* In the not-so-crowded train, the man with the long brown coat stood next to me. I looked back outside of the train.

And yet it always made me hopeful. In that dream, that boy only looked at him. That boy was trying to hide his inner thoughts and I, Subaru, told exactly what was on my mind. Everything had life and no matter if your flesh is gone, could you still feel pain?

*closer* The man bumped into me once more and I was so conscious of not pushing the person in front of me that I pushed him back a little with my elbow because there was enough room to stand a little further away.

Just because we have flesh, that doesn't mean our souls or our minds cannot feel pain at all. And just because we're different people doesn't mean we are being fake.

*that feeling of quivering threat with the man moving in with his legs in between my hip* I shot a glance at that man who was pushing against me. And I tried to pull away even though it looked like he was doing nothing, shaded by the maze of people and the windows and doors.
I held onto the railing before me with my glove and my heart beat faster and faster until I shook.

It is in the honesty and in the lie that we are hurt by these different faces. There is always a dominant one. There is the one you want to be. There is the one you didn't know ever existed.
The one that never existed, though, 'it' may have always been there, but 'you' were trying to hide it all this time.

"Ueno station…" I get off with a lot of other people, but I'm shaking hard. My hands cannot hide it and I feel my face losing its warmth. Inside I'm screaming.

Why…why does this always happen? Is it because of what I wear? Do I look like a girl and even if I was a girl, should that have happened? Do other people feel this as often as I do?
Until I got off, I didn't know I was molested.

But it wasn't the first time. It wouldn't have been the last.
Others were probably touched worse than I was, but that didn't make me feel any better. I just quivered and walked quickly, unable to cry to anyone.

' . 'reaboy,isn'tthatsoshameful?IfItellmysister,she'llwipeoutTokyobyherself,notcaringforwhogetshurt.

Seishirou-san. I need Seishirou-san.
I need you. I need you now! But I don't want to tell you.

I rushed out the central entrance and past all the shops and turned right to go under the overpass and past the souvenir shops and go up the stairs past the artists and right again to make it down the sakura lane. But for now, it was bare.

I always felt sad that people only came when the sakura were in full bloom. Shouldn't something be loved through all seasons, through everything? Why is it only loved when it is beautiful? Why is it only in one singular thing? I loved Fall and I loved to see the leaves were changing color and falling from the trees.
I went up to the shrine where I usually prayed. I always went there whenever my heart felt burdened by something. I told the wishes that I couldn't say to anyone. And somehow, Ueno said, "It's all right. I will take care of you."

It gave something that other people couldn't give me. Or rather, Ueno had a presence to say that it was stronger than a single human. With all the spirits of those supposed people buried under the sakura trees, maybe they worked together to fight the 'weakness' of a single human being. I felt that people were weak.
Just like that boy years ago, these were the dark thoughts that I couldn't say aloud. The arrogance that was suppressed deep within the skin and inside my tired thoughts. People were so enwrapped with themselves that they couldn't see others as they were, only as they saw fit. They couldn't distinguish between their own weakness and projected them onto others because they couldn't overcome them. It was like the talking on the train when I was judged because of my skirt-like shirt by very ugly girls who probably didn't know more about life than going to school and were spoiled by their mothers since they were toddlers so that they wouldn't be 'hated'.

But today, Ueno couldn't help me. The dirtiness of the warmth at the side of my body kept on coming back with full force to my head though I tried to push it away with all my might!

I looked down at the ground when I finally sat down on the cool stone on the left side of the tree-lined road in between the museum and the entrance, north of the zoo that Seishirou-san had taken me to.
Finally, I could sit down.

With all the hours just standing on the train and afraid of missing my stop or going from place to place, I was missing the real light of day by being enclosed in between wooden and concrete buildings all day. Now, I was able to rest and Ueno told me that I could.

I was able to sadly and softly smile with my heart pulled like a piano string from the inside and cutting the insides and view the students in all their blue and white and gray uniforms go by along with old grandpas and grandmas talk to each other. I saw foreign couples hold a map out to find their specific museum and I saw people on dates who probably had a day off, unlike me who had to work at any time, and had to be ready at any moment's notice to the point that I couldn't ever fully keep my dates with Seishirou-san.
I couldn't ever schedule in a 'normal' day.

In everything, I felt very bad that it was always Seishirou-san that had to understand me. That he was forced to be in the 'understanding position' because of my 'job'. Because of everything 'I had to do', as if he didn't have a life of his own.
I didn't want him to do anything for me though. All I wanted was for Seishirou to be there.

But humans were not so easy that way. You want to be worthy of someone's affection even though they love you for just existing. And if the one you love asks for more of you, you re-evaluate everything you do…

Everything that you are is to fit them. Must you comply and give something of yourself to become more with them? When you are content, won't you just ask for more? Is it abuse if you feel pain? Is it really happiness, if you're satisfied?

I just continued to look at the people walking past me on this ordinary day, though I wasn't sure what day it really was anymore. Except because there weren't so many people, I figured that it wasn't a weekend or else it'd be filled with people and some booths blocking the museum that I could not see past the tall fountain.

I got up and went towards the familiar tree. Though you weren't allowed to touch the trees, I wanted to. I wanted to use my privilege as the onmyouji to be able to touch that tree that had changed my life, changed my perspective of life. It was the one that didn't make sense but maybe was also the one that talked to me and told me "It's all right".
Again, I felt at peace at this though I longed to lay my palm on the Tree. I couldn't do it though. Unless I needed to, I wanted to be honest and just look at it like everyone else here who had to endure not being able to touch that national treasure.

Yes, "Everything will be all right."
No one else could promise me this. NO one could tell me these words without faltering.

But it wasn't enough today…

Was it too much to ask for? Did I deserve such a thing? But you weren't supposed to compare people and their 'hardships'. That wasn't fair. Just because I had gone through everything I did didn't mean that I was privileged not to go through anything more.
In fact, I was scared. I knew that because of the things I went to were for a price, for everything in life was balanced through equivalency of intention, effort, love, passion, and other's wishes on you. Because of this, the emotional toll would be higher to reach 'happiness'.
Wasn't it ironic? It was like chocolate. If you loved it enough, you needed more and more to satisfy the craving. It wasn't a drug that made you feel a high. It was just something that was needed for your well-being, even if your heart and your mind and your soul were totally out of sync with one another, not ever really related to one another.

But to ask someone to love you.
And to ask someone to love them…

You would definitely give up something, even if you were satisfied with everything.

I couldn't ask Seishirou such a thing. Even though he had promised everything to me, I didn't want that kind of affection. I didn't want to be spoiled. I wasn't used to it. I wasn't used to taking what I really wanted from someone else because I didn't earn it through my own effort. Did that make any sense at all?
I didn't think that Seishirou was weak. No, that wasn't it.

To have someone like Seishirou meant, somewhere in my head, that I had to give up my sister Hokuto.
How had it come to that? And to have Hokuto go with someone else and to have Hokuto look at me with that lonely look. I just didn't want to imagine it.

Yet, with everything that I ever had, no matter how many years had gone by and no matter how many I would go through, there was that aching feeling of emptiness. That I still couldn't give enough.
That it wouldn't be enough.

That feeling comes back over and over to remind me: Is it all right to be satisfied with going after something and not being able to have it?

I wanted Seishirou to be here as my heart beat wildly from the disgusting touch, but I didn't want to ruin this day. I only knew it was his birthday. I wanted to give him something in return for everything.

I lifted up my head and looked at Seishirou-san. He was not in the long white lab coat or the jeans. Seishirou stood there with an unfazed look, with those lips that didn't part and say everything in a single look. Those empty eyes that slightly contracted to lock onto their focused target but still held an expression of disinterest.

I felt more alone than ever.

Was he angry? Did he know something?

We could not ever see honest face to honest face. We could only act from our respective natures even though we lived in gray: Not quite in the light and not quite in the darkness.

When he came closer, I shook my head because I knew what was going to happen next. At that moment, he knelt down and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Pulling my head down, protecting me from the peering eyes of the world, I cried loudly though no one could see my face.

That afternoon, I went to Seishirou's apartment. I took off my clothes and let the water run. The shower ran and all my mind was mixed up, overbearing to the point that my thoughts made me cry. Their weight made me crouch down further and further until I realized that I was scratching my nails and black gloves on the white tile floor, mixing shower water with my tears.

How far does this have to go? How come it always comes back to this?!
Why do I always come back to this place?
Why can't I go to someone even when I need to understand?!

Even if he holds my hand or hugs me, it won't be enough. We were still separate people and I was limited by my own understanding of the world.

I don't want it anymore! IYADA!
I don't want to be alone anymore inside myself!

I couldn't cry in front of this city we lived in. Everyone only knew my smiling, hopeful face. I couldn't let them down or disappoint them as I felt disappointed by their understanding of 'me' though I didn't know that I helped their illusion by hiding myself away like this.

I didn't want Hokuto see me, so I always cried in the shower. But this time, small gasps of my pain came out. There was something deep in my chest that I couldn't breathe through and I tried to cry it out.

In my mind, I was screaming.

Others don't know how to love. I know how to love someone and I want to, but how come I don't know how to accept it?

The shh shh sound of the shower went through my ears but I couldn't get up. I knelt on the ground but I didn't pray.

"I know that I chose this. I know I'm living with the consequences and the benefits of this choice, but how much further do I have to scratch through my own heart with my bare fingers until I can stop it?!"

I sobbed silently until it ached deep within me. My eyes were shut and I could only feel the shower on my neck, draining down my arched back. I couldn't hear anything else but the shower and I couldn't feel anything else but that invisible hand scooping my insides with their spoon.

Warm arms wrapped around me and I pushed them away. In his dark suit, I saw a Seishirou-san that I was not used to seeing either. The one at that park, the vet, and the one now were all different.

Seishirou-san told me, "I tried to knock on the door, but you didn't reply, so I just broke the door down."
He sighed, but his mouth became a line. "What were you trying to do?"

It was that scary, threatening, low tone again, the one that somehow latently told me, "You can't leave me in ANY WAY."

My eyes opened widely in shock, but I was moved at the same time. Calm and collected Seishirou-san could react like this to me. I could clearly feel one heartbeat.

And I smiled as my naked body hugged his with the water hitting his back. "Can you erase what so many people have done on a public train?"

Help me…

"Not that way." This voice was smooth and breathed into my lungs. "I would be no better than that man."
"Do you hate me?" I clenched onto him tighter, afraid of facing the shame that I felt covering me, making me queasy from the stomach.
"I can hurt you from the outside, but not from the inside, Subaru-kun. Between the two of us, you're the only that can see beautiful things."

I shook my head. I whispered, quivering, "Seishirou-san, help me forget this moment."
"But if I help you forget, I would be erased too."
"Let me be selfish. I'm asking you because you're the only one I can show everything to. And you still accept me as I am."

He hung his head.

"No, don't ask me like that. No, not yet. I need more time, my Subaru-kun." He touched my cheek.

It was the first time that I knew everything and nothing about Seishirou-san. And that he had always held onto all my darkness and broken anger./

And like everything in life to Kamisama that a million years happen in a second, Subaru's soul comes back. After a whole day's worth of memories happening in three minutes, his soul crashes back and his whole body feels the impact of coming back to the Earth of flesh.
His intense eyes instantly cry out of pain. "Oh, I was right. Someone was lonely. I couldn't touch this tree again since I was nine."

He turns his whole body to watch Seishirou. He cannot move his lips about what Seishirou knows. Like all the other times, what he wants to say is:

It is your memories you buried deeper, layer after layer, into this tree. But mine is the one you embedded as the seal of them all.
That was why you made me that promise that night near Rainbow Bridge.

Subaru's body shivers and Seishirou stands there with his chin lifting up, thinking about Hokuto's words. Time starts for him again the split-second the purity of those tears inside those very eyes fall to feed the Tree.

"You won't ask. You won't cry or feel anger. You say yes to everything without questioning the authorities." Subaru nods. "Yes, I went all over your birthplace to feel these things for you. To tell you that I hated myself…
"But you must have hated yourself more.

"I could not exist without your cruelty. What I couldn't forgive, I gave to you. Wasn't that just as bad? For me to think it and you acting it out? Were we really any different?"

Subaru's eyes ask, "That was your wish, wasn't it, Seishirou-san?"

The two feet of distance between them becomes bigger and bigger as the leaves fall down to the ground with the strong wind.

/Does it always have to be like this?

What is there left to prove? What is there left to give? I gave you everything that you could have possibly asked for and there you stay unmoved. Yes, I became aware of the fact. It finally dawns on me that no matter how much you work, you are only limited by the things that you understand. As much as you can feel for another person, you still only understand them from what you know as reality, and not from theirs.
And though I see myself as someone who does not hurt others, I'm also someone that doesn't want to cause conflict with others. I do not want them to know my ugliness, that I hate the fact that I have to be this way and it is by choice. That I can lie awake at night wanting you to touch me and no one else will do. Even though I will flirt with another person, no one else will do.
That my best years were spent with you and that I can't seem to go past them. And it is not because I have not learned, it is because I cannot find anyone that can surpass you. I want them to surpass you because I cannot think of anyone else. You are always the one that saves me; even in my mind, I know there is a connection between us. I cannot erase your multiple smiles.

I loved every single one of them.

But that vet was only one face you showed me and everything you told me was the truth: That you couldn't love me like that.

Though you 'care' for me (or what I'd like to hope for), it was from your understanding and not from mine: From your mother, from your city, from your pride. From what I tell you now, you came back because you knew I could tell you these things now. And you didn't want that to happen just yet.

It is because that would mean change./

"Ingrained here," He says showing off his hand with the fingertips soaked in dried blood that cannot be washed away, "was not love."

/The connection that we have is something that will keep you coming back. And you knew it. That's why we need to end it.
And one of us has to go. We can't keep living knowing we're stuck.

That it doesn't get any better than that.
That that was the only happiness we'll have.

Though you have no expression, you only show your best face so that no one will worry for you. Though you do not want to bother anyone, you want to be everything to that one person. Your pride will limit you./

Subaru gains his voice, swallowing hard before he searches the milk eye before him. "Yes, that day, I knew exactly what I did when you came to see that tree too. With your impassioned eye, you were unable to say 'Live'.
But that loneliness raped me over and over.
"When my dog died. When I was told I had to be the heir. When I had to go everywhere by myself. When I didn't want to come home and smile at my sister. When I wanted to go to you but I couldn't pick up the phone. But before I could feel the full impact of anything, you tried to save me. Erase it all."

/I don't want to kill you, Seishirou. I want to end our suffering because I can't live with or without you. You have made it quite clear that I am that 'weak'. And I admit, yes, I am. Because I am a person, I cannot deny my nature.

Because you are a person too…
…there is no such thing as 'Together. Completely.'
There is no such thing as absence of feeling or thought because we always want to know.

We desire to dominate what we most want in this world. There are only a few who can admit it even if it throws them into isolation knowing that everyone can see them but never really feel or understand them./

"So this time, let me die. And it isn't out of defeat and those stupid things they tell you 'you must live'. Don't touch me because this time I won't change my mind."

Seishirou shakes his head solemnly and Subaru looks at him icily. Grabbing Subaru's arm, Seishirou whispers into his ear, "I need you." And no matter what, Subaru feels the prickles of numbness from the frozen white hand and he's so ashamed that he always gives into that voice that brings him to that place he cannot get away from.
As if dying, Subaru's eyes grow heavy. "Why is it always like this? Will this always be the same? Whenever I find a part of you, I will find myself thrust into that darkness that eats out of the walls of my heart. Is this fun for you? Because if it is, it is all right by me.

Because I can tell you now:
I love you,
even if you're scared that I do,
even if I'm afraid that I do."

/"It won't ever go away. I will always end up in this place."
I turn around and I'm no longer in Ueno, but instantly, it is late at night in my apartment.

Why are you still here? Why do you always touch me from the back? Do you think I'll be surprised? It is so predictable: You do not want to see my face.
You know that what I think is what you are thinking but that is about it. We don't understand more than this. And I won't deny reality because of it.

This time, I am not sixteen. I know exactly what I'm doing at twenty-five.
To live in the light, you do honest things and to live in the dark, you do dirty things. People are like this.
Watch me.

Don't you think it's exciting as I look into the reflection and close my eyes? My eyelashes touch the freezing window because I know you're just the same as this glass. I can never get inside what you are. Who you are. You won't let me and I'm afraid too and I won't let myself either.

Because I don't trust you as I thought I did. It's so funny because you're outside of the sliding door. Only glass separates us but that and you feel alike.

I lick my lips. I don't know how to seduce anyone. It seems so awkward and stupid, but if it's for you, I'll become that. I wasn't ever what people thought I was. They thought I was clean and free from that because I was an onmyouji user.
But everything has an equivalent. You cannot deny instinct.

I've often thought of that before. To give yourself to someone, how far will you go?
"I will go that far," I kept on thinking because I want to become everything, even to the point of humiliation.
Even pride is set aside, something that even you cannot imagine or predict.

I touch my palms upon your airless one. I touch my zipper and unzip it. I want you to be there because it's you anyway. I lift up my hand. One goes up and one goes down.
Licking the window, and then I press my head onto your shoulder. My cheek touching glass, become frosty and clear with my uneven breaths.

One part of your lip twitches, making me wait. You know exactly that is more fun, that not giving in is the only thing you have over me. And I know, I have everything else that you've offered me, a small portion for everything I paid of myself.
Only to a certain extent can I see into you and then you'll block it all away.

The rest is uncertain, the darkened part that is the manifestation of my fears.

I start to shout as those fingers find their way up from my chest and to my mouth. I want to shout but you block me. Here my shame is exposed.
I want you even if you don't need me. And still, I want anything you'll give me. Is this how much further I'll push my limit?

Yes…yes…

I close my eyes and I feel that moment where I know doing this is the same as you just watching me right there.

But I'm afraid to open my eyes. And you are just standing there, grinning. And I know I'll be at the shower again, wanting no one to hear me as I shout silently to myself of the guilt I feel for doing something so dirty.
And even more, for this emptiness loving me all over and over again, mocking me. No matter how many times I tried to get away. There is no comfort in a person or thing. Even if you give all your effort for one thing that you have a passion for, it still won't satiate that thirst.
And if you get the one thing you desire, you still want more of it.

Even if there's nothing more to give.

Is it abuse if you want to feel hurt? Is it happiness if you want to keep feeling pleasure?

From this dejected look, it is then that I feel your lips on my neck. But I'm already pulling away. I don't want it anymore. You take my wrist and pull on your tie. I try to get away now even though you still have your hand clasped tightly over mine.
My heart beats widely.
Are we playing this game? This tired game?

I shake my head and you nod yours.

"You always want an answer."
"You always want to play into a question."

But I still resist and somehow I run out of the room. There's that shameful part that wants to be chased and when I look backwards, you're there in front of me. "What are you looking for?"
You pull on my shirt until it rips off. Putting my arms over my head, you pin me to the wall.

"Whenever you do this, in the end, you'll leave me all alone. What is it you want from me?"
"Isn't this your wish, Subaru-kun?"

I don't reply, not even inside my mind for you to read.

Yet, I know…yes…yes…
To escape. To become one with that loneliness.
They are the same exact thing.

You only go further and further inside until you don't know when to come out.
It's like the darkness becomes someone that has loved you to the point of overpowering you again and again with its caresses because it knows how to make you beg and to make you feel ecstasy.
Fearfully, you seem to realize that this loneliness is a manifestation of your isolated, bound self. Somehow, you created it by yourself but you will not ever know how to dispel it.

But you, you always are the one to bring me out. Whether I laugh or whether I cry, it's always you who knows where I am. You know where to find me in between the marred pieces connected by blood.
And I know exactly where you'll come…

…because you are there too.

As you kiss me and take me over and over on this wall, I bite my lip until it bleeds…

Though you push your tongue onto my neck, the chill runs through me as soon as you leave that place. It is like an ice sheet.

I wake up because I heard myself screaming all over again. I cry because I had hoped you would be there.

But that coldness settles back and you'll be gone all over again. My eyes hover over the room and there you are by the balcony's sliding door watching me with that calm face of yours. When the moonlight shows your melancholic grin, I smile at you.

And then, I know it is all finishing soon. The curtains wave at me as I stare at the same spot for a long, long time.

Later on that day, when that kekkai opens, I leave immediately with everyone panicking…

…and everything is a blur as I hold you now. You close your eyes and I whisper to you before your soul leaves you:

My wish was to see you for who you are. You said that the one that kills is your 'real' self.

There are many things in my head, but I have to tell you, when Kamui pierced my eye, I saw how much more beautiful you are, Seishirou-san.
How you tried to protect me inside our Tokyo…

But I've always wanted to ask you, am I still the same to you, I wonder? Am I still as innocent as when we first met?

I hope so.
I truly hope so.

It is then that a tear rolls down my red cheek.
Your lips are smiling up at me.

No matter what this 'life' holds, I know you'll always be the one I'll look for.
Why did you think you had to leave me alone so that I could find peace?

I only saw all the beautiful things because you let me feel everything!

Don't you know how much I need you?!

And I'll keep asking myself, 'Why?'/

Owari.

-
Author's note: Thank you. Thank you for everything.
I could not cut this. I needed you to read until the end. Please forgive its shortcomings because it is just my love and my inability to say it sufficiently. This took two months to complete, but I hope that you could feel it. That's all I wanted.

Thank you so much for reading.

This is dedicated to my little sister, Mali-chan. I am sorry you had to wait a while.

Love,
Yui

12/16/2007 9:16:33 AM – LA
12/17/2007 2:16 AM - Tokyo