Exit
AUTHOR: Angelhart
GENRE: romance/angst
STORY: one shot
STATUS: complete
RATING: M (this story contains adult content!)
DISCLAIMER: Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titan) 進撃の巨人, ©2009 Hajime Isayama/Kodansha Bessatu Shōnen Magazine – Wit Studio – Production I.G. – Funanimation.
All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Before you start reading, please be aware that this fic contains spoilers if you haven't read the manga!
This fic is related to the 'what if' theory that is addressed in chapter 138, which links to the Marley flashback in chapter 123.
If you've only watched until S4 part 1 of the anime, I have to at least explain that this fic takes place several weeks/months before Eren attacked Marley. The letters he asked Falco to sent were logically not sent to Paradise Island, but to an address on Marley. Which meant his friends were residing on Marley premises.
In a few days (April 9, 2021) the final SNK chapter will be released. And with all the misery we had to witness so far and with little chance of a happy ending, EreMika fans, this one is for you ;)
Wake
From your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape
We escape
Pack and get dressed
Before
All hell
Breaks loose
She couldn't sleep. Even in the solitude of her own room, a luxury gift of lady Azumabito, she still felt unease. During the day she could feel the eyes of her teammates. Piercing stares. She didn't know where he was. But with her constant clinging, as Levi had stated, they were certain she had to know something.
She didn't. And it was even more unnerving than the continuous intent gazing on her person.
Not knowing his whereabouts, or his intentions, they had to stay low. But the large mansion, that was property of the Azumabito clan, could just have been a prison cell underneath the courthouse. It was walls surrounding them, once more.
Maybe that was why he had left. Another wall. That night at the tents, for the first time, he had seemed at ease. Probably because it had been a spontaneous invitation with no political agenda. Even though the hospitality of lady Azumbito was kind, it was based on a hidden agenda. For them insight in the enemy and the land they lived on. To assess the danger they oppose and to establish spies within. It was a political mind game. And even though the primary mission was peace, hopefully, even she could tell that it would probably be impossible to achieve.
Maybe… he had felt that too.
Mikasa sat up. Her right hand moved towards her face, her finger tips trying to massage the worried thoughts from her head.
"Can't you just feel where he is, Mikasa?"
She lost count of how many times Connie had asked her. The tone of his voice filled with even more frustration each time.
Although Armin had stated it several times that the question was uncalled for, she actually had tried.
Stupid.
But she did always know where to find him, in the past. Even during their first evening at the estate in this new country when she noticed his absence. As she went outside to search for him it didn't take long for her to find him. As if she was guided by an unknown force.
One night, after his disappearance, she had been outside for hours just waiting for that same instinctively feeling, until the sudden grip of Armin's hand on her shoulder had guided her back inside.
Her head hurt. Pushing the sheets aside she got up and slowly opened the door of her room. The hallway was dark and she could hear the loud snores of Jean in the distance. It made her smile, recalling the argument he and Connie had that Jean's death would most likely not be caused by a titan or him being a casualty of war, but by suffocation of being smothered by a pillow. As she made her way to the large stairs, she could hear an alternation in the man's breathing followed by a moment of silence before the snoring started again. Louder. There was a curse and it took her everything to not laugh as she passed the room the two men occupied. It wouldn't be long for Connie to really follow up on that threat.
She knew he had debated to bunk with Sasha. But that option was in no case any better. As Mikasa passed her room she could hear the young woman talk in her sleep between snores.
"Hmm, that's nice. I like that."
Mikasa chuckled. She could understand Connie's point.
"I can't help it. Her wet dreams about food give me a serious hard-on."
At least the section they were staying was far enough from where the Azumabito resided, so it gave them some privacy. Although there were a lot of foreign sounds to be heard, in the night, it was more easy to pretend that they were at their own headquarters this way.
There was a dim light downstairs. With her hand resting on the rail her left foot stopped at the first step.
It was probably the captain. She was hesitant to face him, to be forced into another inquiry. Or an awkward silence. She didn't know what was worse. The thought of either of those made her uncomfortable and for a moment she pondered of returning to her room. But then her right foot moved towards the next step and her left followed and she was descending. If she were lucky the captain could have fallen asleep on one of the chairs or the couch in the room. And if she were very lucky, she could sneak by him to get a glass of water from the kitchen and avoid an encounter.
She stopped before the archway that led into the room and peeked inside. The light was coming from the standing lamp fixture next to the fire place. The person sitting on one of the chairs opposites of the couch, bended forward, was turning his head.
Her eyes widened and she took a step forward. "Eren?" She swallowed and froze.
Although he looked different, she recognized him instantly. His hair was longer, shoulder length, he had lost weight and it was visible in the structure of his face. The longer hair falling beside his face, combined with the shadows of the light, giving it a darker feature. Almost haunting. He was dressed in the white shirt and grey trousers. The same outfit they had last seen him in, only without the tie. She noticed the grey jacket of his suit draped over the couch. The hat he wore was nowhere to be found, though. Without raising himself or stretching his back, he was looking at her. She could feel her eyes tearing. He was alive.
"Come closer, Mikasa."
Even his voice had changed a bit.
"Eren." She repeated his name again. This time a little louder, but still soft. She had so many questions. Stepping closer, she noticed he had a slight mustache and a goatee. But it wasn't that feature that gave him an older appearance. There was something in his eyes.
Something stopped her. Not a hand, but a feeling inside of her. Why did it feel like she was looking at a different person, than the friend she knew for so many years? The one she grew up with. She wanted to touch him, to convince herself that this was real and that he was real, but the same hesitation that had stopped her from approaching him further, stopped her right arm and hand from finishing that motion.
"I-I should wake the others. Tell them you're back." Her mouth formed a light smile. A little relief to see him, yet also to mask the discomfort she was suddenly feeling. But as she turned around a hand quickly took hold of her wrist. A firm tight grip that forced her movement to a stop immediately and turned her head.
"Let them sleep."
Her heart started a faster beat. Why was so nervous to face him alone? "Armi-"
"I didn't come here for them." He straightened his back. "I came here for you."
Oh. She swallowed again. She swore there was a soft buzzing sound coming from the lamp in the silence that followed. It even drowned out the sound of the ticking clock that also occupied the room.
Footsteps. In the silence they could just have been a thunderstrike. Both of them looked up, but she didn't notice the shock that she knew was on her face. There was a little startle in his, then the emotion changed to… Disappointment?
Their heads followed the footsteps above them. A knock on a door. The voice that sounded, after the door opened, was from a sleepy Armin.
"I am going to bunk with you."
Connie. The young man was practically stamping as he entered Armin's room. He should have done that sooner, Mikasa thought. A strange thought in this situation. Perhaps he had not done so before in the expectation – or hope? – that Eren would return. Perhaps now Jean's snoring torture was something he could no longer withstand or… he no longer believed Eren would come back.
But he was back.
She looked at him. He was facing the ceiling, listening intently what was going on above their heads.
Was he…? Was he really back?
The door closed and the sound of footsteps stopped soon after.
Hesitation. The expression was so obvious in his face as he eyed the room, avoided her gaze. Just as she was about to say something the bell of the clock sounded.
One.
He looked at her. Why did he look so sad?
Two.
He walked towards the couch and reached for the jacket.
No.
Three.
He was facing her again and sighed. The exhalation even changed his posture. A tension she had not noticed to be there before dissipated. She could tell by looking at his shoulders.
"I'm going."
No!
As he was just about the pass her, she was the one who this time took hold of his wrist.
"No." She was not going to let him leave. Not now. She somehow knew that the moment he would walk out the door he would not return. Or not as the one she knew. A change was already visible in him and it wasn't only his appearance. She didn't understand, she wanted to understand. "Please," she spoke softly. "Stay." Stop disappearing, Eren. We are here for you.
I… am here for you.
She had taken a position before him underneath the archway. He was standing so close. He smelled like soap. Where had he been staying? His clothes were the same yet still clean. Unnoticed her grip on him had loosened. She realized this when he suddenly touched her face. It was so unexpected that she even flinched. In that motion he retracted his hand instantly and she immediately regretted her body's automatic response.
"I need to go." He took a step back, causing distance between them. It felt like he was raising a wall. "I came here… to…" He shook his head and she could see the sentence disappear in the darkness of the pupils of his eyes. "I guess it's…" he stepped forward again. Another half sentence broken apart. "I need to go, Mikasa."
No.
"No." She took his hand again and this time she pulled him with her. She wanted him away from the room, away from the hallway, away from that large door his head was turning to as she forced his body to follow.
"Mikasa." It wasn't a question, nor an order for release. It felt like an apology she didn't understand. She didn't understand any of this.
When she stepped onto the stairs there was resistance. He stood still beneath her.
"Talk to me, Eren." Please, Eren. "I will not wake the others, but please, talk to me. You came here to talk to me, right?" Her eyes pleaded even more than her voice.
She looked down to his hold on him. In her mind she pictured him falling into a dark abyss if she would release him. Why did the image pop into her head and frighten her so? Please, Eren. An inner voice that sounded much like her own, spoke to her as well: "Don't let go of him".
And to her relief the tension on her arm was removed as he ascended the stairs with her. Slowly, softly. When one step creaked under his weight, they pauzed. Mikasa looked at the hallway ahead of them. All doors remained closed. A part of her wished for them all to open, to see him and disable his second escape. But another part of her wanted them to stay closed for their interruption would somehow cause her to lose him forever. Or so it felt. A dreaded fear that had settled inside of her the moment she had seen him on that chair.
She dared to release him when he was inside her room. She closed the door softly, scanning the hallway quickly one last time before letting it fall into the lock. Then, after a short hesitation, she turned the key. When she turned around to face him, he was slightly grinning. It made her blush, the cause of it her mind thinking of a different reason to lock the door, besides confronting his flight risk. And it wasn't helping that for a slight moment, in that grin, she thought he was thinking the same.
But he had never shown such interested in her. Nor in any other girl or woman, or not that she knew of.
She noticed he had placed or tossed the jacket on the chair that was in her room. Eren was looking out the window. His right hand holding the curtain aside. Was he assessing the drop down? Her heart was pounding faster again and her anxiety rose.
"Ere-"
The curtain fell back into its place as he removed his hand. "There is something I have to do. But… it is not something I want to do…"
"Then don't. Eren, you don't have to do anything." She tried to keep her voice down, but it was hard as she felt panic rising inside of her. He was speaking to her so calm, but with every word she could see him slipping away from her. As if the room was stretching out before her, the floor lengthening, widening the distance between them. He was so close to that window, so far away from her.
A gentle smile. It was barely visible and although it eased her anxiety somewhat, his features became stoic once more within a second right after. He locked eyes with her and the room returned to its normal size as if he forced her closer with his gaze alone.
"Finish that sentence, Mikasa. That day. Finish your sentence from that day."
Her right hand had already moved to the scarf around her neck the moment she had been in this room alone with him and she had locked the door. Her index finger and thumb already fidgeting with the fabric. She looked perhaps silly with it, dressed in a nightgown wearing it. But it had somehow soothed her during his absence. And she had hoped that somehow, maybe she could connect with him by it. Call him back with it.
Her eyes tried the look of ignorance to squeeze herself out of this forced confession. But the rest of her body betrayed her and failed the state of being oblivious. She knew which day he was referring to. She knew the sentence he meant. She knew the question that had been asked that evening. And the answer that burned inside her heart.
They had been interrupted by that man from the tents as he had invited them over.
That evening he had looked at her with a look of desperation. His grey eyes no longer held that gaze. The emotion inside of them now was far stronger. He demanded an answer.
She had hesitated then. She knew what she had wanted to say, but there was a lie that she had told everyone whenever they confronted her about her feelings for him. She had said it so often that she became to believe it herself.
"I…"
He moved closer, standing before her. The scent of the foreign soap filled her nose.
He did not see her that way, or so she had told herself. Yet why the question? Why the confrontation? Why then?
Why now?
His face had turned towards the window again.
"Eren, why are you running away from us?"
When he looked into her eyes once more the assessment in his gaze was also filled with despair again. She lowered her head to escape the intensity of it. "W-why are you running away… from me?"
"People will get hurt."
Did he mean her?
"It doesn't have to be that way. We can help you." I can help you.
"I wish… a different outcome, but..."
She closed her eyes and placed her right hand against his chest. Her touch making him stop midsentence. "If you need to run, I will go with you." Looking up she knew her eyes were watering, but she didn't care. Not this time. "Eren, we could run, the two of us. Together. Away from all this."
All I want is for us is to be together.
She felt his hand on her face again. This time she did not flinch.
He tilted his head; a pained expression came over his face. "Then… run away with me, Mikasa." And he bent forward.
At first there was just the pressure of his lips. Gentle and soft. Mikasa moved her arm around his neck to pull him even closer and with that permission given she felt a change of pressure and she opened her mouth to let him in.
When she pulled away to catch her breath, she noticed her bed was behind her. She had felt that they had moved in position, but in the intensity of the kiss she had not been able to make out their exact location in the room. Looking up she realized he was waiting. When her hands tugged on his shirt and moved underneath to run over his stomach and chest, she could feel the muscles tense underneath her touch. Her worry for reticence was cast out when his lips sought out hers again, only breaking off the kiss when she pulled the shirt over his head.
When her hands moved to unwrap the scarf, he stopped her, pulling her hands away from it slowly. At least it gave her an advantage in hiding her flushed face when he reached for her gown and pulled it up. As it was discarded on the floor, she pulled him closer. Being a little shy it conveniently provided her with a distraction for him before he could fully look at her almost naked physique. She could hear the sound of his shoes being kicked off and for a moment she wondered if that would wake somebody up. When his body was guided by her embrace onto the bed, he lifted his head and followed her gaze towards the door.
Besides the sounds of their heavy breaths and Jeans loud snoring it was silent.
A slight tug on the scarf made her change her focus back to him. She was just in time to see his mouth descent on her neck as his fingers pulled the fabric aside. The sensual touch of his lips caused her head to tilt back automatically and her breath staggered in his exploration. She closed her eyes when his mouth kissed her breasts and she pulled the scarf up over her mouth to muffle the sounds that inevitably did escape her. When he abruptly stopped, she thought he had second thoughts, only noticing he had just been removing his pants and underwear and getting a full-frontal view as he just turned around when she opened her eyes.
As he returned to her embrace, she sought out his mouth again. She could feel the lower half of his body rubbing against her as he positioned in between her legs. Only a small bit of fabric left preventing a full intimate touch, something that was soon remedied as his left hand moved over her stomach and down underneath the waistband. The touch was hesitant at first, but it didn't take long before he became bolder and she felt a penetration of one of his fingers, soon followed by a second.
He was breathing hotly against her neck and strangely enough the material of the scarf on her skin even intensified the feeling. When the last restriction was removed, he moved up her body and held her gaze. The fingers of his left hand touched the scarf and the affection in his eyes as he brushed over the fabric was endearing. Tilting her head, she invited him to kiss her which he accepted with enthusiasm. She tensed a little when his pelvis shifted and she could feel the pressure of his entry. His left hand moved to her head, holding it in place, forcing her to focus on the kiss and after some movement and gentle nudges he was inside of her.
The probably unconscious soft rocking motions of his body were an obvious indication that he wanted to move. The question also visible in his eyes as he lifted is head. "Mikasa, are you ok?" he asked sweetly and she nodded.
He sought out her hands, placing them above her head and entwined his fingers with hers. His face then disappeared into the scarf and she felt his slow retreat, only to be followed by a slow thrust forward. Another retreat, another thrust, until the motion became rhythmic. His grunts smothered in the fabric vibrated through her throat and she bit her lip to enforce her own silence. The feeling was so strange, so intimate and she would lie if she had not fantasized this. But as the tender sensation inside of her dulled slowly and turned into a pleasant friction an awful sting returned. Not one that was physical, but a realization that dawned on her.
Within four years, he would die.
She pulled her hands free from his and moved her arms around his back and neck. When he lifted his head in question, she flipped them over. In this position the feeling was very different and she tentatively experimented with pressure and motion. Her efforts rewarded with the grunts from the man beneath her, soon clenching his teeth. Her fingers were dancing over his abdomen and she felt the strong grip of his hands on her hips.
She stopped her movements when he suddenly stilled beneath her. Sweat drops were on his face as he stared at her and he was panting heavily. Looking down there were imprints of where his hands had added pressure on her skin. She realized then that they had not been urging her on, but trying her to stop or at least slow.
"Sorry." If it weren't for the heated flush, she was sure he would have reddened of embarrassment. But it was the same for her.
His right hand reached out to her face, his thumb brushing over her cheek. "Were you crying?"
She had not been aware of that and brushed away any residue of her heartache. "I'm fine," she told him and gave him a smile, but in the back of her mind she wondered if he could see through her lie.
She then felt a tug on the scarf. He had taken hold of a loose end and as it tightened around her neck it compelled her to bend forward and lie on top of him. One of his hands moved through her hair lovingly and she forced herself to relax in his embrace. But, as he moved them so he could spoon her, the depressing thought that she tried to push out of her mind, was abruptly addressed by him.
"I have four years left."
She remained silent. She closed her eyes to keep the tears that started to burn behind her eyes again from flowing. Would he push her away?
"But…," he continued, "I would rather spend them with you, somewhere in peace and quiet than be used as a tool in this war."
She opened her eyes and turned her head. The reassuring smile he gave her was sincere and instead of the pained expression she had seen clinging to him there was now a serenity as if it had resolved all of his problems. His right hand turned her head even further and pulled her into a kiss.
Their previous union had left her still aroused and when the hand that rested on her waist moved in between her legs she arched into him. The alteration of her breathing, the gasps and the response of her body were also having an effect on him. The result of it soon poking against her behind and she lifted her leg, brushing her foot over his thigh as an invitation which he quickly accepted. His fingers retreating only to have them aiding him in the angle of alignment and the first thrust.
The awkwardness during the first time was now replaced with passion. Mikasa pushed her body back with each forward motion of his pelvis. Moving her left hand behind her to add pressure on his neck to bring his lips against her face. The moans in her ear were erotic and caused a tingle running over her spine. His left hand brushed over her side, her muscles cringing at the ticklish feeling, then cupping a breast before it disappeared underneath the red scarf. She closed her eyes and for a moment there was no war, there was no Marley, no walls, only this room; their bodies entwined as much as their fate.
His motions where slow, but urgent and she could tell he was giving all his effort in having her finish this time. The hand now sliding down, through the dark patch of hair and fingers parting the folds until she gasped and sharply bucked into him. His fingers then lingering and stroking her in sync with his thrusts.
Her rapture followed swiftly and her body pleasantly trembled in the aftershocks against him, her throbbing insides triggering his own release.
Before the sun even made its appearance the room was empty. An open window and a rope made of sheets showed their route of escape.
There was a knock on the door. A gentle voice calling out a name that would not be answered.
"Mikasa?"
"Mikasa?"
She turned her head and saw the worried look on Armin's face. He didn't need to say anything. The faces now staring through the round windows of the flying boat all held the same expressions:
Desperation.
Beneath them the ground trembled.
A/N: warning, these notes contain spoilers of chapters 123 and 138 of the manga!
The italic words at the beginning are of course part of the Lyrics of Radiohead's 'Exit Music (for a film). With my music player on shuffle this song came up one day and I realized that some of the depressing lyrics were very fitting for this ship. It is a bitter song which fits the SNK EreMika ship perfectly. Thom Yorke (Radiohead): 'The song is written for two people who should run away before all the bad stuff starts'.
Well, this story is written with the same intention.
I had an EreMika draft on my computer for a while, but after reading manga chapter 112 (the table scene) the dynamic between Eren and Mikasa changed and although it felt off (like he was pushing her away on purpose), I couldn't find the inspiration to finish. So, the draft was put on the shelf. Then I recently caught up on the manga and after reading chapter 123 (the Marley scene flashback where Eren asks what he is to her) there was a major 'what if' hinted. That inspired me to explore the 'what if her answer had been different' and I set up a new draft. In the meantime, my inspiration received a major boost by artists Artofneight and Aynashi. Also, I concluded when chapter 138 was released my 'what if' plausible AU wasn't that farfetched, for it was even addressed in this chapter.
Although in Eren's AU version Mikasa suggested that they elope together and live out Eren's remaining years together, in my fic she didn't suggested it right away during that crucial moment in chapter 123. In the manga she couldn't even finish the word 'family', because they were interrupted by the man who brought them drinks and invited them to the tents. So, I used the interruption to break off her alternate answer in this AU version. I think, the alternate version is not even an AU wish from Eren, but a previous loop that has already happened. And this fic could also be another different loop or different approach to the mentioned AU. I leave it all up to you.
I hope you all enjoyed this fic. For those of you who are curious for the artworks that were my inspiration:
(since FFNet doesn't allow the name, it is the site of the blue bird)
/ArtofNeight/status/1365968537508974595
(The uncencored version was the reward of February 2021)
And 'Moon and Sun' by Aynashi /aynashie/status/1285960611860557824?s=19