May 1, 2021
It had been ten years since Pacey said goodbye to his wife. 3,650 days without waking up beside her. 521 weeks without starting the week with her. 867,600 hours since he had to say goodbye to Joey Witter.
Pacey thought time would heal. That's what they always said in the movies, books, and tv shows. But it never left him. Especially since he still had their daughter to take care of.
She was fifteen but she was his everything. Luna had his eyes but Joey's smile. His curly brown hair but the attitude just like a Potter.
He saw Joey in her every day. Which will always make every day more and more painful.
Now he was in sitting in front of her grave. He smiled at the memories but the pain never left him.
It had been twenty years since he found out his girlfriend had ovarian cancer. 7,300 days since he held her as she cried in pain. 1,042 weeks since he watched her get carried in the ambulance. 175,200 hours since he had listened to the terrible words coming out of that doctor's mouth as he sat there feeling numb.
Now, he was still sitting there feeling numb. The date that she died was the same date that she found out she had cancer. And Pacey wished so badly to tell himself so many things for that day.
Now he couldn't remember a single word he would say to himself.
Pacey sat the Lilies in front of the grave and traced his fingers along with the name. Josephine Lillian Witter- September 15, 1982, to May 1, 2011- Mother, Wife, Daughter, and Sister.
Pacey felt a tear coming down his face as he traced over the little moon on the gravestone.
"I uh, I don't know what to say to you, Jo. I thought it would be easier if I didn't come since Christmas. But I have been dreading this time more than the last time." Pacey said as he looked down.
"I um, I promised Luna I would play those tapes I borrowed from Dawson at the funeral. I had told him it got lost with the mess and I don't think he believed me but he didn't say anything. And I know what you would say to this if you were here and no it's not stealing. That's not the right word to describe it, Jo."
Pacey chuckled a little as he twisted his wedding ring. The wedding ring she put on him, almost eighteen years ago.
"You told me to give her your journal when I felt like it was the right time. I feel like now would be a good time." He said as he pulled out the journal.
"I just want her to know the greatest version of you. And she is constantly asking that I have no idea how to answer or understand. I gave her a journal like the one I gave you for her birthday so she could write down her feelings. But she hasn't touched it. I didn't expect her to, she isn't the writer type after all she is my kid. But then again I have never seen her so passionate with anything except when she is talking about you. I know it's the right thing to do. She may have turned fifteen last month but she is still that sweet baby and she deserves to know you. All of you."
He looked at the front cover of the journal to see himself, Joey, and Luna. Luna was looking at Joey and Pacey in disgust as Pacey and Joey were grinning ear to ear. That time was simple but yet felt like a lifetime ago.
Joey and Pacey knew they couldn't have a baby. They freeze Joey's eggs before surgery and were very grateful when Jen told them she would help out and get pregnant for them.
Jen and Joey had gotten close after Jen being there for Joey round after round with her for the chemo through the good and the ugly. Jen knew this was what she would want if she was in this situation and Joey would have done the same for Jen.
Suddenly, he heard his daughter behind him. "Hey," Luna said as she sat down and took his hand. Pacey smiled weakly as he felt tears running down his face.
"I promise I was waiting for you to get done but I couldn't help but come over." She whispered with a smile.
Luna had watched her Dad several times come over to this ceremony. Ever since her mom passed away it was well known where he was.
"Daddy." She whispered as she turned his head with her hand for him to look at her.
She watched as he shook his head. He never cried, but when it came to Joey Potter. He cried all the time.
"I um, I uh. I want you to have this." Pacey stutter as he handed the journal to her.
"Mama's journal?" Luna said in shock.
"You were saying the other day, how your memory of her was fainting away and she told me to give this to you when I think you are ready and I think that time has come."
Luna looked at her mom's journal and traced her fingers over the leather. "Have you read it yet?"
"No, I couldn't bring myself to do that. And it's different knowing you are reading it than if I am reading it."
"How so?"
"You are her daughter."
Luna smiled as she placed her head on her Dad's shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and gave her a weak smile.
Later that day, Luna was sitting on her bed looking at the front cover of Joey's journal. She finally dared to open it up and when she did she felt even more pain when she saw the first few words of her journal than she had all day. May 1, 2001- Exactly twenty years ago today. Luna then began to read the words that were written.
May 1, 2001
Pacey handed me this journal. He was gone for a few hours today when I was asleep and when he came back. He handed me this. When I unwrapped it, it was this nice thick leather journal with hundreds of pages. He told me that he was going to give it to me for my birthday for when I go to Worthington but he figured now since things are changing, maybe it's better now. But when he said that I took it the wrong way and started to think he meant if I die everyone has something to be reminded by. He saw the look that I made and told me not to think like that. But I can't help it, it's how I remember my mom by her words. Her journal.
Now, I am just like her. I have cancer. Ovarian cancer to be exact. They say I'm on stage two and they said that it may heal fast but I could tell they were just trying to make me feel better about the situation. That's exactly what they said to mom when she got cancer for the first time.
I am told that it is going to have a lot of problems including kids. I wish Pacey would just stop acting like he is ok with this and just gets the heartbreak over with. He told me he wants to be with me. But what happens when I am sitting in the hospital chair on my third out of the chemo rounds. Where I am constantly getting sick, most likely have no hair by then and start to snap at him. What makes him think he could handle me then? My Dad said the same thing and then cheated with the blonde slut at the restaurant. Mom just acted like it was fine.
I'm not saying Pacey is going to be like that but I wish he runs now before it's too late. I am always going to be too much for him and I hope he knows that in this film He is not the sea creature from the deep, Cancer is and in the end, we all know what happens to Stephanie. She dies and the sea creature killed her.
Who knows maybe this story has a happy ending.
Joey Potter
Luna looked up with tears in her eyes as she hears a knock on the door. Pacey walked in to see her tears and the journal in her hand.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Luna whispered as Pacey gently sat down on the bed. "What do you want to know?" He asked as she scooted over on the bed so he can lay down next to her.
"Everything."
"Luna." He whispered with a chuckle.
"All I have is words, maybe you could explain a little each night to me before bed."
"I don't get off till midnight sometimes, Lu," Pacey whispered as he took off his shoes and laid down next to her.
"Please, Daddy. Mama just wrote down things that made sense to her but it would make more sense if you told me what happened. Like you always say, there is time you just have to make it and you promised me you would help me."
Pacey said nothing and then looked over to see the puppy dog's eyes. Once again, he was being suckered into those eyes.
"Yeah sure. But only one story tonight." He whispered as got under the covers. Luna rested her head on his chest as she listened to his heartbeat. She used to do it all the time when she was little to either him or Joey. Now only being fifteen, she still did it. She knew she was getting old but today she didn't care. She knew he needed that comfort and reminder as much as she did today.
"Well, it all started our senior year. Your mom was seventeen, I was eighteen. It started a week after I had come back from being with Uncle Doug on a fishing trip. Joey had been in and out of the bathroom in between each class. Uncle Dawson was starting to get worried about her so I started to wait up for her. I knew something was wrong-"
"Why didn't you just go into the women's bathroom?" Luna asked.
Pacey looked down and shook his head. "It's the ladies' room, I couldn't just walk in there." He said.
"But-"
"Are you going to let me finish?" Pacey asked before she started to ask a million questions. Luna nodded as he started to talk again.
"It all started that day in the bathroom."
May 1, 2001
Pacey stood there waiting for Joey by the restroom. He felt like that's all he had been doing lately. Waiting for Joey to get out for the bathroom. He tapped his foot and looked at the clock from across the hallway. They were going to be late. He didn't mind getting out of class but with everything that had been happening with his reputation. He knew better than to be late for class or even skip it.
Just then, a girl he didn't know called his name as the bell ringed. "Pacey, Joey is asking for you." The girl said nervously as she ran away. Pacey then looked around and quietly walked into the bathroom.
"Joey?" He said as he walked in. "I'm coming in here." He announced as he walked in. He then heard a moan from one of the stalls and he lightly kicked the door to find Joey laying on the floor with her arms across her stomach and throw up all around her.
Pacey instincts came in as he got wet paper towels and sat her up then put the wet thin cloth on her forehead.
"It hurts." Joey cried as she put her head on Pacey's chest. "What hurts?" He whispered as he rubbed her back. Joey said nothing as she continued to cried in pain. "Come on, Jo. You need to tell me what is hurting you so I can help you."
She pointed to her stomach as she started to yelp in pain. He didn't know what to do, pulled her to his lap, and rubbed her lower back as she moaned in pain.
Joey then felt dizzy and felt sick again as she gulps and tried to make it into the toilet but then found herself throwing up all over Pacey. She heard herself apologizing over it and just as Pacey was saying words to reassure her everything was going to be alright. She felt everything turned pitch black.
Pacey called her name and saw she had turned even paler than the last time he saw her.
"Joey." He said as he shook her. No response. "Joey come on." He cried as he shook her again. Once again, no response.
He then carried her and race into the nurse's office. The nurse asked him several questions. What happened? Had she eaten anything? Has she had water? How long has she felt this way? Was there anything she was allergic to and does she take medication?
Pacey stood there not knowing what to say. He knew Joey was on birth control but he didn't know how often she took it. She didn't eat much of anything that he could see then again he only drove her to school not stay for breakfast. He just felt numb as he was waiting for someone to help her.
It was seven hours later, and Joey woke up. She looked around to see Bessie in the room and heard Dawson's laughter echoing the room. The pain she had been feeling had gone away but as she looked down at her arm the only thing on it was the IV for the pain. She smiled at Dawson as he walked over.
"You scared the hell out of everyone." He said as he hugged her but Joey winced as she felt the pressure from his body. "Sorry." He mumbled. "It's ok." She whispered and squeezed his hand to reassure him that she was ok.
"Hey, sis," Bessie whispered as she walked over to her. She softly rubbed her hair through her fingertips.
"Where is Pacey?" Joey asked Bessie. "He is getting us coffee. The boy looks like he is about to have a heart attack." Bessie whispered.
Pacey then walked in to see Joey up and she smiled at him. "There's my girl." He said as he walked towards her and handed the coffees to Bessie and Dawson. He then gently sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his fingers through her brown hair.
She smiled as she pulled his face towards his and their nose met. "Did I scare you, sweetheart?"
"You dying in the school bathroom, was not my idea of fun, sweetheart. So yeah, you scared me." Pacey teased and pressed a kiss on her forehead.
Before Joey could say anything else the Doctor then walked in. Joey smiled as Pacey pulled himself out of her arms.
"Hi, Josephine. I am Doctor Scarlett." The woman doctor said. "Am I ok?" Joey asked as she pushes herself up a little in bed and Pacey pushed her hair out of her face.
"We have done some blood work and we got the results. We are sitting waiting on a few more things and the equipment we have isn't the best scan for this but when we did an ultrasound we knew right away what it was." Doctor Scarlett told her.
"So then what's wrong with me?" Joey whispered as she held on to Pacey's hands who was staring at the doctor with the same amount of fear that Joey had on her face.
"You have Ovarian cancer." Doctor Walker said.
Everyone in the room seemed like they didn't understand what she had said but Joey had dropped Pacey's hand. As Doctor Scarlett explained that she was on stage two and a lot of things could change quickly and slowly.
Joey however felt like she couldn't breathe. She felt her throat tighten as she asked the question she knew everyone was thinking.
"What does this mean for my future?"
"Well, there is a treatment for this type of cancer and the survival rate are still high-"
"What is the treatment?" Joey suddenly asked.
"Joey," Bessie warned knowing that Joey may not like the answer.
sat down in the chair and took off her glasses. "There are three to six rounds of chemotherapy, but it depends on how your body is reacting to when the time comes."
Joey looked up at Dawson who had tears in his eyes and then walked out of the hospital room. Joey looked at Bessie who was looked as if she would punch something. Joey lastly looks at Pacey who did not react to this, he was just staring at his hands.
"Will I ever have kids?" Joey asked weakly. "If you freeze your eggs, but we know that's a big commitment at the moment but if that's what you want to do there are ways."
"And the survival rate?"
"This is a rare case, Josephine. But for stage two there is a seventy percent survival rate. We can set appointments up for a hospital in Boston to give you all the information that you need. But I promise if you want to freeze your eggs for the future. We can try and make that work. But we still don't know what could happen to you now. Most of the times it works but other times it may not it all depends on fate."
Joey then found herself asking the question she never thought she would ask if she ever got cancer. "How soon can we start the chemo?"
"In about three weeks."
She watched as Pacey looked up at the doctor. After that everything else was a blur. She didn't understand what the doctor was saying.
Joey thought about her mom. When Bessie had told her a week ago that she was turning just like their mom. Joey bet this was not what she meant. She wanted to get out of here and suddenly it hit her. Joey's thoughts led her into a full-on panic attack.
Pacey looked up at his girlfriend confused from her sudden outburst she was making but then comfort her by whispering reassuring things into her ears.
Bessie looked at her sister but then knew she couldn't be in the room long, so she quickly went to the hallway before she started to sob.
Doctor Walker then walked out with Bessie to tell her more information but Pacey stayed.
"It's ok." He whispered with tears falling down his face as well. "I can't be like my mom…" Joey screamed into Pacey's chest who cried with her. "We get through this Joey. I know we will."
Joey said nothing as she continues to sob. She didn't know what to do but cry with Pacey.
Joey cried so much that she fell to sleep. Pacey sneaked out of her arms and found himself walking out of the room. He took a deep breath as he walked out of the hospital and went to the beach house to get the gift that was going to be for her birthday.
He took a pen and carefully wrote in the back of the book.
Joey,
We will get through this Jo. I love you. Stay strong, if not for us for you.
Love Forever and always,
Pacey Witter
He attached the pen to the hook and closed the book. He then found himself about to cry but stopped himself. He took a deep breath as he thought about Joey freezing her eggs. Was he ok with that? Of course, he was it isn't like he had a say in this.
He wrapped up the journal in wrapping paper. He then got in the Witter wagon and then drove back to the hospital. He was grateful that Gretchen was at work. If she wasn't then he would have probably broken down instead of going straight back to the hospital.
He then rode up the elevator and started to walk down the hallway. He saw Jen, Grams, and Jack standing there and their face said it all. They didn't know yet. They looked hopeful and so happy and for what? He raced away from them. He wasn't going to tell them not yet.
Pacey walked into the darkroom and shut the door behind him. He thought Joey was asleep as he pushed himself into the chair and it started to roll away to where he fell straight on his butt.
"Careful," Joey whispered as she watched Pacey fell out of the chair. "Jesus." He muttered under his breath and heard a little giggle coming from Joey.
Only Pacey Witter would ever make her laugh in a situation like this. It made her insides hurt to laugh but she laughed till she started to cry again.
"Joey," Pacey whispered as he wiped away the tears with the palm of his thumb. Joey shook her he then sat the wrapped journal in her lap.
"Is this a present?" She whispered as she looked up at him. "Just open it up," Pacey told her softly.
When she did, she found herself looking at the cover. A photo of him and her from the Christmas party. It was small but the memory-filled her head.
She flipped through the journal as she saw the book filled with what felt like hundreds of pages.
"I was going to give it to you for your birthday. But I felt like now was a good time."
"In case I die?" Joey found herself asking. "Joey," Pacey whispered.
Joey put the book down and looked at him through the darkroom. She pulled him in where their nose was touching. "I want you to promise me that when the time comes you will let me off your hook."
"Joey, please-"
"Promise me." Joey practically yelled at him. "If I promise you that's like giving you up fully," Pacey whispered.
"My Dad promised my mom that she would stay and I don't want you to stay because you feel like it. If I die-"
"You aren't going to die."
"But if I do. I need you to let me go. We aren't trapped in a boat for the summer anymore. I need you to know you can leave. I see it in the way you touch. You feel trapped. If you decide to stay with me, no more secrets. Please."
Pacey let out a deep breath as he ran his fingers through Joey's hair. "I didn't go to the fishing trip with Doug because I wanted to. I got arrested by Doug and Dad forced me to go to clear my head."
"And I thought I was pregnant while you were gone."
Pacey looked up at her and she couldn't look at him. "No more secrets, Potter. I promise. And if I want to leave I will tell you."
"I wish I was pregnant," Joey admitted as she chokes up on her words.
Pacey let out a small dark chuckle as he pulled her closer. "Me too, Potter. Me too."
The two held each other in silence till Joey felt herself yawn. "Hey. Pace."
"Yeah?"
"I think I want to be alone with my thoughts for a while. Can you come back before bed?"
"Yeah, I can do that." He said as he was about to pull away Joey pulled him into the deep kiss that they so desperately needed. He then pressed small kisses around her face and wiped her tears again.
"I love you, Potter."
"I love you too, Witter."
Pacey smiled as he squeezed her hand and then left Joey there. She grabbed a pen that was attached to the leather journal and traced her fingers along with the photo. It was a simple time back then. She opened the pen and then flipped to the first page and started to write the date. May 1, 2001
May 1, 2021
"Then I walked out of the room and left her alone," Pacey explained to Luna as she sat up with tears in her eyes. Pacey noticed this and smiled at her.
"So, how did you end up convincing, Aunt Jen to carry me?" Luna asked.
"One story at a time. That's all that my heart can handle." Pacey whispered as he smiled at her. He kissed her forehead and traced the line across her forehead that lines up when she is frustrated.
"More tomorrow," Luna asked softly.
"A promise is a promise." He told her as he got his shoes off the ground.
Luna flopped on her back and sighed. She hated the promise now, she just wanted to know it all at once.
"What was that photo, that you put in there the first time?" Luna asked and then Pacey stay nothing as he pulled out the photo behind the family photo.
Luna saw her Dad kissing Joey's neck and she looked up at him.
"You look a lot better without a beard." She mumbled.
"Night Lu-Lu. I love you." He said with a chuckle as he walked to the door.
"Good night. Love you too." She said as she studied the photo. She traced over her mom's face again.
She picked up her journal that her Dad got her for her birthday a month ago. Then started to write down every word that he had said. Not leaving any detail out, in the same pen Joey had written with. May 1, 2021