The fall weather is right around the corner. The air is already crisp and cool, the warmth of the coffee cup in my fingers — a welcome relief. Gone are the heat and humidity of the summer days. The leaves are only just starting to change, still mostly green with hints of orange and yellow here and there. Nonetheless, Fall was coming.
"So I did it, I broke up with her."
I look at her, she stands a few feet away from me. Both hands shoved deep into her pockets. She doesn't seem sad, her tone is even and controlled. If anything she just seems worried.
"That's great!" I say, gesturing with one hand. "I know it probably sucks, but I really believe it's what's best for you in the long run. I think you'll be happier."
I smile at her,. and she returns it. One hand comes out of a pocket, and her shoulders relax.
"Yeah, you're right, this is for the best," she says then nods at my cup. "What's in there today?"
"Pumpkin spice, of course," I answer, taking a sip.
"It's only just September," she shakes her head but still smiles.
I love that smile.
"We got back together," she tells me a few days later.
She's leaning against the back of her Jeep, hands in her pockets again. Her focus is on the ground where she's trying to crunch a leaf with her foot. But it's too green and too fresh; it doesn't make a sound.
"And you're okay with that?" I ask, and I watch her shrug. She's still staring at that leaf.
"She said she would go to therapy with me at least," she tries and looks up to catch my reaction.
I take another sip of my coffee and push down my feelings. "I hope you guys get the help you need."
She looks back down and mumbles, "Yeah, me too,"
She doesn't smile.
There's more orange and yellow in the trees now. It's officially hoodie weather, and I'm living for it.
I sip my coffee; I'm alone outside. I texted her about 10 minutes ago, saying I was here. She hasn't responded, maybe she's busy.
I text her again and my phone rings, it's her. I answer and start talking right away, "Hi! I'm just chilling outside if you want to join me."
"Hey," she sounds exhausted. "I didn't sleep last night. I should have told you, but I took a personal day."
I try to hide my disappointment. "Oh, that's okay! Just get some rest and message me tonight okay?"
"I will, I love you," and the call ends.
Even though I wasted part of my morning and even if she means nothing with those two words, my heart still somersaults my chest.
I smile.
Her office is a good 30 minutes out of my way on my already long morning commute.
I wasn't going to swing by today, she's been brushing me off lately, and I have no interest in driving all the way there just to stand out in the cold by myself.
This morning, though, she begged me, said she needed to talk, and promised to buy me coffee.
So here I am, pulling into her parking lot. She's already outside, standing behind her Jeep with two cups of coffee.
"I broke up with her again. This time for real. I'm done," she says before I can even step out of my car.
"What happened?" I ask and take the coffee she's handing me.
"She wasn't making progress, she hated therapy and made no effort to go or change." She reaches down and picks up one of the many leaves on the ground. This time it's a burnt orange color and far from fresh. She crushes it in her hand and lets the pieces drop like confetti.
"I love you, but this is a two-way street. You have to make some change too, you know," I offer.
She frowns and pops the lid off her coffee before taking a long drink.
"How do you drink this pumpkin stuff? I got them to celebrate October, but it tastes like pumpkin-scented dishwater." She takes another sip regardless. "And, I know I have to change. But I also shouldn't have to fight her tooth and nail to go to therapy every single time."
I take a small sip of my coffee. "Because it's delicious first of all. Secondly, yeah that's fair. You have a point."
She shifts to lean against her car and shoves a hand into her pocket. A sigh and she's staring up at the tree branches — only a few leaves remain. They're brown now and shriveled; it is some act of defiance against nature that they haven't fallen yet.
"I'm just worried she'll start using again," She finally whispers.
"She hasn't done that in years," I try.
She shakes her head. "I know, but she threatened last night when I pulled the plug on this."
I put my coffee on the roof of my car and open my arms. "Come here."
She does, and she buries her head in my neck. I wrap my arms around her. The cool fall air gives away her tears.
I don't smile.
The school across the street from her office put pumpkins out near the entrance. Halloween-themed window decorations cling to the glass. The display is so happy and innocent that it distracts me till she taps on my shoulder.
I turn, and she hugs me; her whole body is pressed against mine. She is shaking so I stroke her hair and let the silence fall over us like a blanket.
I might be late for work, but I don't care.
"She started using again," she finally says in a small voice.
I let my hand rest on the crown of her head. "How do you know?"
"I caught her." She pushes away from me and wipes her eyes with the back of her wrists. "And she spent money she didn't have on it too."
"What are you going to do?" I'm not sure what else to ask.
"The only thing I can — I called her mom and told her everything," she answers, her voice lacks any emotion.
"Oh," is all I manage to say.
"Do you think that was bad?" Both hands fly into her pockets.
I reach out and put a hand on her shoulder. "No, not necessarily."
"It's what I was supposed to do if she did it again," she looks directly at me with tears in her eyes.
"I know," I reach up and wipe a tear. She leans into my hand.
"Then why do I feel so guilty?" Her eyes close.
"Because the wound is still fresh. It's okay though, it's going to be okay. I'm here for you,"
Neither one of us smiles.
I'm at work when my phone buzzes. 'Call me when you have a minute' the message says.
I step outside and call her, it is cold, and I instantly regret not bringing my coat.
"Hi," she says after only one ring.
"Hey, what's up?" I ask. My shoulders are hunched, and I'm doing my best to stay warm.
"She's on her way up north to go into a treatment program. I just dropped her off at the airport. Her mom wanted her closer to home so she could keep an eye on her." She says quickly as if all in one breath.
"Well, that's good… right?"
There's a pause before she answers, a car door shutting, keys jingling. "Sorry, I just got home," I hear the door close again. "Anyway... Yes, I think it's good. I told her I called her mom, and surprisingly, she wasn't upset."
"Also a good thing." I turn my back to the wind and watch as a guy takes a long drag from a cigarette.
"It is! We had a lengthy discussion, and I told her I would pay for the plane ticket if she went into treatment. Thankfully, she agreed." She seems relieved.
"That's great!" I say, and I start shivering as she gives me more details.
Finally, it's too much, and I have to cut her off. "Hey, I love you dude. But, I'm freezing. Mind if we continue later?"
"Of course! Go, send emails and warm up. Love you too."
I smile.
"I can't believe it's Halloween!"
"I can't believe your costume is a football jersey that you already own." She's wearing a shimmering blue dress, heels, and a crown.
"Listen, I wanted to dress up but in a way that wasn't obnoxious," I reply, taking a sip of my coffee.
She laughs again. "Well we all can't be royalty, I guess." She waves her hand elegantly at an imaginary crowd.
"You're a brat," I say and roll my eyes.
"Ah, but you love me anyway. For I am your queen, and you must love me, for it is my royal decree," she pulls her shoulders back to stand straighter and watches me.
I smirk and reach for her crown, she's faster though and pulls me into a hug to stop me. Our faces are only a few inches apart.
I freeze, and she looks at me. Her expression softens, and she tilts her head ever so slightly to the side and starts leaning in.
The school bell across the street rings, making us both jump.
We separate, the moment gone.
"Anyway, I should, uh, get going. Still have to work, bills to pay." My words come out fast and awkward. I try looking anywhere but at her. I don't want her to see my embarrassment.
"Yes, of course." She fidgets with her hands, unable to shove them in her pockets.
I'm about to get into my car when she rushes over and grabs my arm. "There's a Halloween party at the bar tonight... do you want to go with me?"
She seems nervous like I would say no but she has nothing to fear. "Yes! I'll meet you at your house tonight, and we can split the ride."
She smiles.
The moon is bright and full when I pull into her driveway. It illuminates my path up to her front door, making the bricks glow almost like magic.
I knock and wait, fidgeting with my costume. I have changed into a roller derby outfit from that movie she loves. Minus the skates since I'm far too clumsy.
"Hi!" She says when she opens the door. She grins at me, big and cheesy. "You look great!"
"Thanks," I say, and she steps outside. The light from the moon catches the flecks of glitter on her cheekbones and it is gorgeous. She is gorgeous.
A short while later we are walking into the bar. There's a live band playing on the patio and a small crowd dancing in various costumes. The bar itself is nearly empty, it was still early.
She isn't one for large packed crowds anyway, so this works out well.
I get us some beers and food before the kitchen becomes overrun. I tell her about my job and she tells me about a new project she's working on. This eases into a conversation about everything and nothing.
I am about to order another round when the music shifts — some basic pop tune. Her hand flies to my arm; it's a song she recognizes.
"Do you want to dance?" I ask.
"Oh, no thank you. I don't dance." is her reply. She starts to remove her hand, but I stop her.
"Well I do, come on." I pull her to the patio, she's faking reluctance and she's bad at it.
This type of music doesn't need any special moves. Together, we bop slightly off tempo to the beats. A few songs go by, and she looks like she's having a good time.
The music shifts again, a slow intimate dance number. Before she can leave I bow and extend my hand. "Would thy queen care to dance?" I ask with as much cheesiness as I can.
She lets out a small laugh and takes my hand. "Why, it would be my greatest pleasure."
She wraps one arm around my waist and takes my hand with the other. We move slowly in a circle. For someone who doesn't dance, she certainly knows how to lead.
Another slow song starts and she shifts her hands so we are closer. We sway back and forth and, when the song ends — her face is inches from mine. Her lips are parted, but she doesn't move; it's her turn to freeze.
So I close my eyes and leap.
Our lips meet, she instantly deepens the kiss, one hand flying to my cheek and the other to the small of my back. Anchoring me to the moment, to her.
Time has no meaning. The once loud music is now just a distant whisper, the crowded room seems empty. There is only her as if it's always been.
She pulls back and touches our foreheads together. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," she says, swaying to the music now.
"Elsa, you have no idea how long I've wanted you to," I reply.
I lean back to look at her; and, she looks so happy, almost lighter like she is floating.
We both smile.