[WHITE]
{YELLOW}
{You should eat it.}
[We're not cannibals. Right, Spidey?]
"No," Peter said matter-of-factly. "We're not."
{Then what was the point of cutting off his dick? Obviously, we have to eat it.}
"We're not eating a dead dick." Peter's tone implied that they'd had this conversation before.
{You two are no fun. People eat frog legs and goose liver all the time. How is this any different?}
[It's a fucking human dick. That's just disgusting, even for me. And that's saying something.]
{But look at it. It's so tiny. It's a little bite-sized snack.}
"Can you both shut up?" Peter growled but still stifled a laugh. "I'm trying to get a good angle. I have to capture the crotch shot perfectly, so the client knows that his request was fulfilled." He snapped a few photos, looked at them, shook his head, and tried again.
{[Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can.]} They sang off-key and tried harmonizing with each other, failing miserably. They'd never been able to work together anyway.
"Shut up. I left him behind a long time ago," Peter said bitterly. The song brought back bad memories.
They just started singing louder, oblivious. Or maybe they just didn't care.
[Spins a web!]
{Any size!}
[Catches thieves—just like flies!]
[...]
{...}
[What happened to your Spidey-Sense?]
"Wha—"
{Peter tingle!}
Peter spun around, met by a red-and-black mask. Whoa. Deadpool.
"Oh, hello," he said pleasantly. "I'm a big fan. The things with your katanas . . ." Peter mimed a slicing motion. "Epic. You know, a lot of my kills were inspired by you. That is until you turned to the Avengers." He pretended to gag on the word.
Deadpool gaped. "Are you aware that there's a very bloody ding-dong in your hand?"
Peter looked down, seeing the severed penis. "Oh," he said. "I forgot about that."
[Throw it away, Spidey, it's making him uncomfortable.]
{Eat it!} Yellow suggested helpfully.
Peter chucked it behind him. "Sorry. Why are you here?"
"Stark told me—he said if I could bring you in he'd take me to Taco Bell."
Tony Stark. Possibly the most overrated person in New York. Yes, he's Iron Man. But Iron Man was just an illusion. Iron Man was a boy with daddy issues in a metal coffin of death. And he wasn't as smart as he thought he was. Peter had once interned there and was shocked at how easily he could hack the security—successfully taking an illegal look at Bruce Banner's lab. (It was epic at the time. Now, thinking back on it, it wasn't too special.)
"And you want your tacos," Peter concluded.
"Ooh, I'm impressed. Yes, I do. And it'll be much easier if you don't struggle."
{The question that determines his fate—hard or soft shell?}
"But I'm not so sure you'll come willingly. So a little heads-up, if I need to prepare for battle, would be nice."
Peter shrugged. "You don't need to fight. I'm sparing you this once for the respect I have for Deadpool. The real one, not this wannabe hero."
{Ooh, can we kill him, please?}
[He's unkillable, idiot. Pete, tell him how much better he was as a merc!]
"You know you're never going to be a real Avenger, right?" Peter added, a smirk appearing on his face. "Everyone there has red on their ledger, but they won't accept you. You're too different. You're not pretty enough."
Peter webbed away, making sure to pick up the dick and throw it in Deadpool's face before leaving. He heard gagging, high-pitched screaming, and footsteps running around in distress.
{Yes queen! Go off!}
[I've just had the most brilliant idea.]
"God, I'm going to regret this," Peter sighed, "but go ahead. Tell me."
Peter's phone was still ringing occasionally from Ned's calls and text messages. That kid really did not know when to give up. Peter tried pushing him away, it didn't work out.
Peter glanced at the messages without actually opening them.
NED:
Peter
peter i'm not gonna stop
aren't you tired of this it's been so long
broooooooo
o
o
o
i'm gonna call you again
you better pick up or we're going to have some serious issues :(
His phone rang. Peter didn't answer.
NED:
peterrrr
i got a new lego set
it's 3803 pieces
it'sthelegodeathstarbro
Peter resisted the urge to respond.
[That's the old Peter showing.]
{Legos are lame. Why build a death star out of Legos when you could make one out of bodies?}
"You two are sick," Peter muttered.
[We're just doing what's best for you. We care. You know that, right?]
"Yeah, of course. I care about you two too. You guys were there for me and still are."
{Block him. You don't need him in your life.}
"It's just Ned, he's a good friend and he cares too—"
{Did I stutter? You trust us, right?} Peter nodded. {This Ned guy is bad news. Block him. You'll be able to save phone battery as well.}
Peter blocked Ned, cutting him off once and for all.