The Great Fox is drifting through space.
Peppy is snoozing away at the controls to the vessel, comically large snot bubbles popping against the overarching line of cartoon Z's floating out of his throat hole.
Perhaps not his most dignified moment - but one of his finest, none the less.
His nose twitches at the nonsense in his dreams. Somewhere in his brain, he's trying to eat a watermelon through the rind - and he's wondering why it isn't working so good.
He removes the watermelon along with the dominant teeth from the front of his mouth. His mother explains that she's disappointed with him and why. The list is very long, despite the fact that she's been dead for thirty years.
Also, it's raining milk. Peppy can taste it.
In the "awake" reality, in the shop - or as Slippy likes to call it, his "fix-it foyer", which doesn't really make any sense, because the workshop is neither an entrance hall, nor is it a particularly open area.
One has to wonder, on occasion, whether Slippy doesn't know what a foyer is, or if he simply made some sacrifices for the sake of alliteration.
Column A, column B, perhaps. One can never truly know.
Slippy smacks a broken radio with a monkey wrench instead of a toad wrench - being a skilled mechanic, all manner of wrenches are particularly wieldy in his firm, yet slimy grip.
"I FIX YOUR RADIO!" He speaks in all caps with his normal speaking voice. It has occurred to the rest of the team, on multiple occasions, to encourage the toad to speak more quietly, in something of an "inside" or "tiny" voice, especially during more covert operations. Unfortunately slippy is not the master of speech that he is mechanical devices - and so, he's no longer invited on stealth missions. Though, he does insist on going. "I FIX ALL YOUR RADIOS."
With each SMACK of the wrench, shards of plastic and waves of bad music enshrouded in static bounce off his ecstatic, unblinking face.
He truly is the most himself when he's working.
Have you ever seen a bird devouring a slice of pizza? It's rather unsettling. Kind of horrifying, actually.
Falco dons a paper party hat in the empty mess hall. All it takes is a pizza and the desire to party to have an officially licensed Pizza Party.
Beak stretching as wide open as it can and chomping down with a hollow clopping sound onto the floppy flavor triangle, tearing it apart. Mutilating it.
Violent is the only word that comes to mind when witnessing this act of savagery. Violence and terror. His wide open eyes, unblinking. His fierce expression unfaltering. Lacking in any emotion, save for perhaps carnal desire.
The hot cheese scalding his horrid tongue, not unlike the finger of a powdered glove stuffed brimming with woodchips and soil. Gargling the mess of cheese and bread and sauce and meat in the saliva reservoir in the back of his throat before sucking it down his throat like a live bee through a plastic drinking straw.
He squawks with a satisfied dominance that you and I will never understand before snapping at his own wing for another bite.
"WHOOOoosssshhh!" Fox says, pretending to be the model Wolfen in his paw that glides around his face. "SHHHWWWOOOOO!" He built it with the very paw he's flying it with! And the one he's not! (flying it with!)
"WAH HAH HAH!" he says in a gruff voice, pretending to be Wolf O'Donnel, pilot of the Wolfen this model is, well, modeled after. "I AM STAR WOLF! BIGGEST BADDEST VILLAIN IN THE LYLAT SYSTEM! ALL WILL BOW TO ME! EVEN THOUGH I WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO SEE HALF OF YOU BOWING!" Fox closes one of his eyes and points at it with his free paw, to an audience of no-one. "FOR I LOST MY EYE IN THE YEAR 0002DLW! THAT MEANS DURING LYLAT WAR! I WAS ON THE VILLAINOUS SIDE OF THAT WAR! WAH HAH HAH!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE," he utters, picking up another model Wolfen from his bed and doing a rather frankly insensitive Andrew impersonation that he knows well enough not to do in public. His voice becomes irritating, whiny and sarcastically implemented. "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY UNCLE ANDROSS?! HE'S THE BIGGEST BADDEST VILLAIN IN THE LYLAT SYSTEM! HE EVEN STARTED A LYLAT WAR OF HIS VERY OWN! OF HIS VERY OWN!~"
"SHUT UP! NOBODY LIKES YOU, ANDREW! GO AWAY!" With Wolf's Wolfen in one paw, he smacks Andrew's out of the other, sending it clattering to the floor. "WAH HAH HAH! THAT WAS MEAN! I LIKE DOING MEAN THINGS!"
"NOT SO FAST, STAR WOLF!" He says, picking up an Arwing from the pile on his bed this time, and doing an exaggerated and high pitched version of his own voice. "I'M HERE TO STOP YOU!"
"MCCLOUD!" Fox gasps, pretending to be Wolf again. "I THOUGHT I DESTROYED YOU ON THE SAND DUNES OF PAPETOON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
"I'M HERE TO STOP YOU, STAR WOLF!" he says, again, pretending to be himself instead of just using his regular voice. "AND THAT'S STAR FOX TO YOU!"
"HOW?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD JUST LIKE YOUR STUPID DEAD FATHER!"
"TRUE HEROES NEVER DIE, FIEND!"
"I GUESS YOUR PUNY FATHER WASN'T A HERO AFTER ALL."
"NOT EXACTLY! I LOVED HIM AND ALL BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP TO MY BASEBALL GAMES!"
"AND NEITHER WOULD I! WAH HAH HAH! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME FOX! YOU HAVE A CODE AND CANNOT KILL PEOPLE LIKE I CAN, BECAUSE I AM MEAN AND NASTY! WAH HAH HAH!"
"I DON'T NEED TO KILL TO BEAT YOUR SORRY BEHIND. AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN INVITED TO MY BASEBALL GAMES! YOU'RE NOT A HERO EITHER! SET LASERS TO STUN!" Fox flicks the switch on the back of the model Arwing with the nail on his thumb from the other hand and shakes it at the Wolfen. "PUT PHOTON IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT~! PEWW PEW PEWWW! BRRSKKSKSKKKSSHHHHH!"
He switches back to the bad Wolf impression, while lowering the Wolfen to the floor and pretending it's lost gravitational stability. "NOOOOO! I DO SMOKE BECAUSE I AM VILLAINOUS BUT PHOTON IS NOT PLEASANT TO SMOKE! WAAHHHHHHH!" His impression getting quieter and quieter as it gets closer to the ground. "I'll get you neeext tiiiiiime, Staaaaar Foooox! Krssshhhhk!"
He starts humming his themesong while making his Arwing fly around in all sorts of cool dogfight maneuvers. Then he sets the model down at his crossed legs, and smiles with his upper teeth hanging over his bottom lip. In his normal voice, he says, "I saved the day!" before reverting to the quiet smile, while he sits and thinks about all the cool things he's done.
Star Fox Adventures
chapter one;
The Great Fox and His Great Friends
Suddenly, everyone stops what they are doing when an alarm siren is sounding. Red flashing lights spin in circles in various places in the ship, as if it was fun for them to emit light and poorly imitate helicopters.
Peppy jolts awake, Slippy stops smashing things, Falco almost chokes on his pizza and Star Fox stands up and salutes to the alarm siren. He knows he doesn't have to, but he has fun doing it.
In four entirely different parts of the ship, in unison, they shout in unison. "GENERAL PEPPER IS CALLING! TEAM STAR FOX! ASSEMBLE!"
They all go well out of their way to meet up in a vast empty hangar, where they run uniformly side by side from one end to the other, and back again while inspirational adventure music plays over a loudspeaker. This wastes a good half an hour, but they do it every time, so General Pepper tries to call them as far in advance as caninely possible.
When they get to the communications monitor, or the commonitor, as Fox likes to call it, they all stand at attention and salute and go back to standing at attention again. The commonitor is not powered on when they do this, a common mistake among their group, so Slippy quickly smashes the console with his wrench before quickly returning to formation.
Just in time, General Pepper blips into existence right in front of them through one of the more unanimously delicate of their sensory organs. (Their eyes.)
"Atten! HUT~!" General Pepper says, commanding their very existences to comply respectfully with an unwasted salute before the return to attention.
"General Pepper!" Fox says.
"Star Fox!" General Pepper says, addressing Fox before the rest of the team. "Star Fox crew!"
They all salute again. It's kind of a whole thing.
"My fellow Cornerians," General Pepper starts, taking no time after the appropriate amount of saluting to dive right into one of his world famous Cornerian speeches. "It is with great pride and even greater honor that I come before you today. Forescore and several moderately sized time units ago, the planet Sauria was INVADED!"
"The scary lizard monster planet?" Fox asks.
"In light of our recent treaties and trade agreements, we've started calling it 'the nice lizard monster planet.' They call it Sauria. Do try to call it Sauria among the nice lizards. Also, better to refer to them as dinosaurs rather than lizards while you're at it. They like that."
"Okay sir! We will go to Scalia!"
"Sauria," Pepper corrects.
"Right," Fox nods, pretending to understand. "So why are you telling us they were invaded 'with great pride and even greater honor' if they're nice? That doesn't seem-"
"Everything I do is with great pride and even greater honor, Star Fox. Everything. You would do well to remember that."
"Okay sir!" he says, challenging himself to do well to remembering that. "I thought we were going to Scalia, but I'll get right on it!"
"Doing well to remember that isn't the order I called to give you, Star Fox," General Pepper sighs. "Try and keep up."
"Why keep up when you can lead!" Star Fox says, pointing to himself with his pawthumb. "I'm always out front! Doing barrel rolls and shooting at the asteroids in my way!"
"It's true, I seen it," Falco says, gesturing at Fox with his wingthumb. "He loves shootin' them asteroids and spinning around out front. Sometimes he pukes!"
"I do!" Fox says, gesturing back at Falco with the other pawthumb than the one which he's still using to gesture to himself. "I forget about the big lunch I had because I get so excited about flying around and shooting at things in space that I forget about lunch!"
"That's why I joined this business," Peppy says, wiping a tear away with the luckiest foot he has. "Havin' so much fun forgettin' about lunch you forget you forgot about lunch."
"I'm usually in the back," Slippy says sadly. "Sometimes I feel like I'm getting left behind..."
The rest of the team awkwardly looks at each other and tries to think of what to say to that.
"Ah," Peppy starts, racking his brain. "Well-"
"Yyyyeah," Falco says, drawing in a breath. "It's only because..."
A lightbulb dings over Fox's head as he figures something out. It distracts him from his thought, and he makes a mental note to remind Slippy to check the connections on that thing at a more appropriate time before he remembers what he's doing.
"Because you're the caboose!" Fox exclaims, pointing at Slippy.
Slippy looks up at them, eyes wide. Kind of confused, but intrigued nonetheless. "The caboose?"
"Yeah little bro!" Falco jumps in, figuring out what's going on. "You're the caboose!"
Slippy points at himself like it's a question and then asks one. (a question.) "Me?"
They all nod, enthusiastically.
"Every train needs a caboose, sonny," Peppy says, patting him on the head. "And you're the best one! Isn't that right, Fox?"
"You bet your Easter basket!" Fox says, rather distastefully. Peppy lets it slide because of the circumstances. Fox continues. "Best caboose in the whole Lylat System!"
"Who's the caboose..? Who's the caboose..?" Falco begins chanting, looking at the others. They join in on the chanting, getting louder and louder. "WHO'S THE CABOOSE? WHO'S THE CABOOSE?!"
Slippy smiles and covers his face as he bashfully begins excreting slime. "Guyyyys!"
"WHO'S THE CABOOSE?! WHO'S THE CABOOSE?!" Peppy and Falco hoist him up on Fox's shoulders while chanting and keeping him steady with their upper appendages. "WHO'S THE CABOOSE?!"
"Guys, I'm getting my shyness goo everywhere!"
But they don't even care! They just parade him around in circles chanting "WHO'S THE CABOOSE?! WHO'S THE CABOOSE?!"
"IT'S ME I'M THE CABOOSE!" Slippy slips through his slender smile. "LET ME DOWN ALREADY!"
They set him down and begin applauding and cheering at him. Everyone is having a good time, except General Pepper, who feels left out.
"TEEEAAAAAAAM!" he bellows, snapping them back into attention and through a series of salutes that serves to calm everyone down. He adjusts his coat, satisfied. "Yes. Good. All is well. Ahem. Anyway, I need you to investigate the invasion on the planet Sauria. I've sent the details to the planet select screen you see once you get into your Arwing, Fox."
"How come we don't get a planet select screen?" Falco demands.
"Yeah!" Slippy chimes in. "I wanna select a planet! I WANNA SELECT ALL THE PLANETS."
"Fox selects the planets and THAT is FINAL!" commands General Pepper.
"I'm okay with Fox selecting the planets," Peppy says. "I'm too old to be selecting planets."
"I think it's bogus," Falco says, crossing his arms. "I'm fine with him being out front and Slippy being the cool caboose all the time, but I think we should share the planet select."
"Awh, c'mon guys," Fox whines, gesturing towards them before gesturing towards himself. "I'd share the planet select with you if I could but..." he tries to be subtle about winking and nodding towards General Pepper, but he isn't. He also tries to say what he says next more quiet than he does. "General Pepper won't let me."
"You promise?" Slippy asks, looking up at him with soulful eyes.
"Yeah, buddy. Of course." The words he's saying causes his heart to sink, and deep within the secret thoughts that will forever go untouched by the business end of any means of vibration detecting instruments of communication, organic or otherwise, he hopes against hope he will never have to live up to them. "Of course I'd share the planet select. I promise."
This seems to satisfy them, but if souls could sweat, Fox would need more towels than you or anyone on the Star Fox team could shake a stick at. Including General Pepper! And he's shaken a lot of sticks.
"That's enough. I'm counting on you. Pepper out." Pepper pushes a button on his console and nothing happens. He thinks he's turned off the commonitor again, when he hasn't. He slumps into his chair and calls out to Bartholomew.
"Bartholomew!" He calls out.
"Hey!" a muffled voice calls out from the other room. "Are you done on the phone?"
"Yeah. The call went well."
"How did it go?"
"I said the call went well! Is dinner on?"
"Is what on?"
"Dinner! Is it on!"
"Macaroni!"
"I love macaroni," he says to himself, sitting up in his chair and scanning the desk in front of him. "Hey, Bartholomew?!"
"Yeah?"
"Where's my JAG tapes?!"
Slippy hits the console with a wrench to stop an invasion of privacy on Planet Pepper from continuing to take place and General Pepper blips off the screen.
They stand there in silence for a moment.
"What in the heck's a JAG tapes?" Fox asks anybody.
"I dunno," Falco says, digging his wingtip around in his beaknostril. "I think Pepper's freshly cracked."
They all think about that for a moment.
The Star Fox team runs in unison side by side from the entrance of the other hangar to their respective Arwings while inspirational adventure music plays.
This is one of their favorite things about being mercenaries. This, and other theatrics that have to do with flying and shooting things in space.
When Fox gets into his Arwing, he picks Sauria and Star Fox Adventures officially begins!