A Little Pretty.

A/N: Contains some spoilers from the crossover episodes of SVU & OC.

Dedicated to M, you know who you are.

The lump in her throat felt like it was going to burst and her right hand was shaking when she turned the key around. She kept seeing his face and hearing his voice, no matter how hard she tried to shut it all out.

"I wanna talk..."

But just like ten years ago, he had still walked away from her.

She tried to swallow the lump away and took a deep breath before she opened the door, dreading the few minutes of pretending everything was fine in front of Lucy.

Nothing was fine anymore.

"Hi."

She looked up and her eyes widened when she found Amanda, not Lucy, sitting on her couch.

"Amanda?"

"You didn't answer your phone, and I wanted to check if you were ok. Sent Lucy home an hour ago."

"You didn't have to come over."

Olivia was already on the brink of tears and keeping it together in front of Amanda was a lot harder than doing it in front of her babysitter.

She could feel those piercing blue eyes glued to her back when she moved to the kitchen.

Ignoring Olivia's poor attempt at shutting her out, Amanda turned around and watched as Olivia placed her phone and keys on the counter. "Did you eat? Lucy and Noah made spaghetti for dinner, she wanted me to let you know there are leftovers in the fridge." Amanda said, her eyes still fixed on the brunette.

Olivia silently took a deep breath through her nose as she opened the fridge and looked at the plastic container with a pink post it placed on the lid.

"Love you, mommy."

Well, fuck. Suddenly keeping it together wasn't an option anymore.

She closed the door and her eyes at the same time. And then, she cried.

"Liv..."

Amanda was by her side in the matter of seconds, gently placing a hand on her shaking shoulder.

"What happened?"

Olivia just shook her head as her hands came up in a desperate attempt to wipe away the tears that kept running down her face.

"Talk to me." Amanda's grip on Olivia's shoulder tightened, but she just kept shaking her head and wiping away at the stubborn tears that kept pouring down her now flushed cheeks.

She didn't say anything as she left Amanda standing in her kitchen and walked over to where she had just placed her coat. She pulled out the letter, that fucking letter, and looked at it for a few seconds before she walked over to the couch and slumped down like a heavy bag of flour.

Confused and worried, Amanda found a glass that she quickly filled with water before she grabbed the box of tissues on the kitchen counter.

When she joined Olivia on the couch the brunette had a distant look in her eyes, like she was slowly dissociating.

She held out the glass of water and watched as Olivia grabbed it with a shaking hand.

"Thanks." The brunette whispered.

Before Amanda could say anything, Olivia handed her the envelope. Brown eyes were fixed on Amanda's hand as it carefully took hold of the piece of paper. "He wrote that."

She reached for the tissues and patted at her smudged make up before blowing her nose. She moved mechanically towards her kitchen again where she threw away the tissue.

"He wrote it, I read it, and then tonight," Olivia said with a husky voice as she opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of beer. "I went to see him, to talk to him about it. And then he just walked away."

She joined Amanda again and handed her a bottle. "Read it."

Amanda eyed her for a second before taking a sip of her beer. She carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.

Olivia drank her beer in silence while she watched Amanda's facial expressions as she kept reading through Elliot's words. After everything that had happened over the past few weeks, she didn't know if she wanted to break down crying, again, or laugh hysterically.

Her life had been so put together. Even with the stress of covid, she and Noah had made it work. She and her squad had made it work.

The first thing that had tipped her off her balance was the woman sitting just a couple of feet away from her. That god damn comment she had made right before New Year's.

"You sure you and Noah don't wanna join us for New Year's? I promise I won't kiss you at midnight. Well, unless you want me to."

The blonde had chuckled at her own joke as she exited the captain's office, clearly unaware of how her words had hit Olivia right in the gut.

Since then it felt like she had spent every waking hour fighting the urge to search her brain for why she had reacted like that. Why had an innocent joke made her palms sweaty and her stomach flip?

And just when she thought she was finding her bearings again, he was suddenly back in her life.

Her best friend, her partner. The single most important person in her life. The man she had loved in so many ways, good ways and bad, before she lost him.

And just like that, her world was turned upside down, again. She longed for stability, boring and predictable. After everything that had happened, both before and after Elliot, all she wanted was to be a good mom and a good captain.

And her she was, a sniffling mess, drinking beer and watching her friend (crush?) read the words that belonged to the man who had broken her heart in every way possible.

Boring and predictable nowhere in sight.

Amanda finally put the paper down and stared at it for a while before locking eyes with Olivia.

"That's... That's a lot."

"Yeah."

"And he just walked away?"

"He seemed... stressed? Like something had just happened. But when I asked it was like he couldn't get away from me fast enough."

"The nerve..." Amanda clenched her teeth.

"He did just lose his wife."

"Yeah, I get that, but he gave you this" She held up the letter and gave it a little shake. "He wanted you to read it. And when you came to talk to him about it he just walks away?"

Olivia could always count on Amanda to be outraged on her behalf when she didn't feel entitled to her anger. It was one of the many things she loved about her. Liked. Loved? God damnit.

"I don't know what to do."

"Did you love him?"

Leave it to Amanda to come up with the blunt questions.

"Yes." Olivia sighed and sunk back in her couch, suddenly feeling completely deflated.

"More than as a partner and friend?"

"Yes." She closed her eyes as the admission left her lips. She had never shared this with anyone. Over two decades, and she hadn't told a single soul.

"Do you still love him?"

"Yes, but not like that. I mean, it's been ten years, I moved on."

"I know you did."

Amanda hadn't known Elliot Stabler, but she did have front row tickets to the aftermath of his abrupt departure. She had quickly accepted her role as Olivia's personal punching bag. Mostly because she had life long training at taking shit she didn't necessarily deserve. But there was also a small and secret part of her that accepted it because she wanted to be whatever Olivia needed her to be.

"That long story you talked about..." Amanda said before clearing her throat and taking another sip of her beer. "Tell me about it."

"It's late, Amanda. And last I checked you have two kids at home."

"Mom is staying over." Amanda shrugged.

"Ah, so this is actually you just using me, huh? Pretending to be my knight in shining armor just to get away from your mom?" Olivia chuckled as she bumped their knees together.

"Busted." Amanda laughed and held her hands up.

"But seriously, Liv. I want to hear it."

Olivia looked at her for a short moment before she sighed. "Fine."

"But we're gonna need something other than beer."

Three hours and two bottles of wine later, they were sprawled out on the couch, leaning on each other's shoulders. Olivia had cried and laughed and her body felt lighter and totally spent at the same time.

Amanda had probed and asked all the tough questions. She had listened intently and reached for tissues and laughed as Olivia recalled all the times she and Elliot had been called into Cragen's office like two misbehaving middle schoolers.

"Even after reading his letter, I still can't believe he left you like that." She said as her hand fell down between them and accidentally brushed against Olivia's. But instead of pulling away, she let her fingers move over the brunette's.

Olivia looked down between them. "I don't think I will ever fully understand it either. And I knew him better than anyone. Or at least I thought I did."

She shifted a little and let her head lean on Amanda's shoulder. She could smell her perfume, and it surprised her how something so feminine could make her heart skip a beat. Or maybe it was their fingers, now more or less laced together, that affected her so much.

"Can't trust anyone." Amanda mumbled next to her.

"I trust you." She hadn't meant for it to sound so emotional.

"I trust you, too, Liv. You're not 'anyone'."

"I'm really glad you're here." Olivia turned her hand around then, and grabbed Amanda's.

"Well, since we can't talk for two minutes without interruptions at work…"

"And we can't drink there, either."

"True." The blonde let out a short laugh and squeezed Olivia's hand.

"I'm so exhausted, Amanda."

Amanda turned her head then and looked at the woman next to her.

"Like a wise woman once said to me, sometimes life just sucks."

Olivia couldn't help but to smile at the blonde's comment. She really hadn't expected Amanda to become one of the most, if not the most, important person in her life, in addition to Noah. But now she was just really grateful for having her here, by her side. As much as it scared her, it still felt like the safest place to be.

"It sucks a little less right now." Olivia whispered and she wasn't quite sure if she was just stating a fact, or admitting something she could never take back.

"Good." Amanda whispered back and leaned in a little closer.

"Amanda..." Olivia could feel her breathing getting heavier and for a short moment she wondered if it was physically possible for a heart to literally pound out of a chest.

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me."

Had it not been for the two bottles of wine that stood empty on Olivia's coffee table, Amanda would've stopped herself. She would've told Olivia that she wanted to, really, really wanted to. But so much was going on, and maybe they needed more time to figure things out.

But the fact was that there were two empty bottles of wine, and Olivia was asking her to kiss her. And she looked so beautiful.

Their lips met slowly and carefully and Olivia hummed against the blonde. It was different from any other kiss she had ever shared with anyone. It was softer and warmer and god, she hadn't expected it to feel so good. She inhaled sharply through her nose when she felt Amanda's tongue brush against her own.

When they pulled away from each other, Amanda's eyes were clouded with all kinds of emotions that Olivia struggled to read. "I... uhm... that was." Olivia was known for many things, being speechless and stumbling over her words were definitely not among those things.

It made Amanda bite down on her lip before she smiled innocently. "Yeah, it was."

Olivia tried to regain some composure by straightening herself up. "Look, there's a lot going on right now and I'm probably not in the best place to figure anything out. But... I've wanted to do that for a long time."

"Me too." Amanda said, carefully running her fingers through Olivia's hair and placing a few loose strands behind her ear.

"Can we just... take a little time? I just, I want to be a bit more grounded, and sober."

"We can take all the time you need."

The next morning Olivia's head was still pounding when she entered the squad room. She had spent her entire morning mentally berating herself (and Amanda) for not being responsible adults who could hold their liquor.

She had also mentally and emotionally prepared herself for seeing Amanda at work, having no idea how to look her in the eye and pretend like nothing had happened. It wasn't that she regretted the kiss. She was just feeling so overwhelmed by everything.

She quickly glanced around and when she didn't see the blonde, she rushed into her office in desperate search for a little privacy.

Just as she was about to hang her coat, she stopped and looked at her desk. There, between the plate with her name on it and the tiny RBG figure, was a beautiful bouquet of lilies. She slowly crossed the floor and looked at them, her eyes searching for a card to reveal where they came from.

"Just a little pretty."

She turned around when she heard the familiar voice and watched Amanda leaning against the doorframe, one coffee in each hand.

When she handed Olivia the coffee, their fingers brushed against each other and suddenly Olivia could no longer blame the wine for the butterflies in her stomach the night before.

"Good morning." Amanda said softly before she turned around and walked back to her own desk.

Olivia smiled as she watched the blonde sit down.

Screw boring and predictable.