Jaune was a normal guy with normal hobbies. He liked to kick back and relax and shoot the shit with his friends. Some of those friends included Ren, Sun, and Neptune. And sometimes, as bros do, they gave each other crap in the most broly way possible.
"Okay, next up on our fuck-marry-kill marathon…" Sun said, grinning as he looked around the other three boys in the room. "Everyone in this room who isn't yourself."
Jaune looked around. Unlike every other question, there were no female options here, but that didn't really matter since it was just a fun little question to answer. Who out of all the guys he knew might he have a good relationship with? It was harmless. It was simple. And for him, there was only one right answer.
"Okay, I got it," Jaune said, embarrassed that he was about to admit these sorts of things to people he was close with. "For fuck I'll go with Neptune, since he seems like he would be a total bottom and I don't wanna risk having to be the bottom with you, Sun."
Sun laughed. "He's not wrong, Neptune!"
Neptune lashed out and smacked Sun in the arm. "Shut up. I would totally be a top."
Jaune smiled, still not believing he was actually giving this sort of thing serious thought. "For marry it would be Ren. Have you ever had this guy's cooking? He would make an awesome house husband. Nora's gonna be a lucky girl someday."
All three of them nodded and murmured in agreement, including Ren himself. The boy was a fantastic cook, and if Jaune was being honest, he could see Ren being a bottom as well. He was quiet and docile, and if he was married to him that would be a good thing.
"And for kill… well, sorry Sun. You just get left for that by default. Nothing personal."
Sun grinned. "Just for that when it's my turn I'm totally gonna choose to fuck you. And trust me, I would be the top."
The four boys laughed. Just four dudes having a fun old time. A gay old time, if we're using old etymology. And of course a gay old time using the modern definition. But hey that was cool, because there wasn't anything wrong with that.
Until…
"WEEWOO WEEWOO WEEWOO!"
The four boys turned to look as Team RWBY burst into the room, jumping up and down like a bunch of tards waving their hands wildly in the air while making police siren noises.
"Did you hear that!" Yang shouted. "Jaune is gay!"
"Yeah!" Ruby exclaimed. "Jaune is totally gay!"
"Wait, what?" Jaune asked. "I didn't say that."
"You said you would fuck Neptune and marry Ren!" Blake screamed. "Even if you still like Weiss, that makes you bisexual!"
"But this was just a game," Jaune argued. "I was just answering a question with what I thought my preferred answer would be regarding that very specific question."
"Nope! Gay!"
"Bisexual!"
"Jaune is into men! Jaune and Neptune sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!"
"Wow these people are really desperate," Sun pointed out.
"And horny," Neptune agreed.
"But I only said that in relation to the question that was asked of me," Jaune told them. "It's not actually true."
And just like that Team RWBY stopped being happy. Instead they became angry.
"You mean… you're not gay?" Yang asked Yangrily.
"You're not into men?" Blake asked Blangrily.
"I can't believe I was going to get undressed in front of you and share all my closest secrets with you because I thought you were my new GBF!" Weiss said… uh, Weissrily.
"You're the worst! I can't believe you queerbaited us!" Ruby falsely accused him.
"You all just assumed something and ran with it," Jaune educated them. "Let that be a lesson to you not to confuse your hopes and headcanon with actual facts."
But Team RWBY didn't learn. They just went off to sulk for a while before the next opportunity arose to push their headcanon onto the poor writers.
"This is why we can't have nice things," Neptune sighed.
The end.