"Each day is a gift." Jaune told himself as he looked into the foggy mirror of his team's bathroom.

He had been feeling it more and more lately. That sense of emptiness, that nothing could fill. He had no energy no focus. He knew something was wrong, and he knew what it was. It was life. His life. He wasn't making any progress, he was still bottom of the board in combat class, despite all the training Pyrrha was giving him. That was a problem in itself. How was he supposed to repay that much care and concern when he had nothing?

"You're a disaster." he snarled softly at his own reflection, "Worthless, useless."

A knock on the bathroom door drew him out of spat of self depreciation.

"Yeah?"

"You almost done?" it was Nora's voice. "I need to go."

"Yeah, sorry. I'll be right out." he called back as he took one last look into the mirror focusing on the downed look on his face. After a breath he forced his face to take on the mask it always wore.

Opening the door he walked out, turning sideways to allow Nora to rush past him. The door clicked closed behind him as he moved through his team's dorm room towards his bed. On it lay a couple comics, and his scroll, neither of which interested him. He had no energy for anything to be honest. He just wanted to crawl back into bed and lay there. He should never have come to Beacon. He wasn't needed, he had nothing to offer. Sitting heavily on his bed, he picked up his scroll and listlessly opened the social media tab.

He didn't care what was going on, he just needed a distraction. Something to occupy his mind to stop the errant thoughts. His mind swam as he scrolled through the feeds of his friends. The memes were lost on him, as where the pictures of food, and status updates. None of it matter to him, none of it was of any importance. Closing his eyes he took in several deep breaths in an attempt to quell the thoughts rolling within his head. Nothing was helping, this was the worst it had been since coming here.

Standing he tossed his scroll onto his bed, and walked out the door. He didn't care that he would be locked out, he deserved it. He deserved anything that happened to him. He didn't care. Why should he, no one else did. Even Pyrrha with all her words was just being nice because he was such a loser, and fake; at least that was what he told himself as he wandered hands in his pockets, his eyes watching his feet move along the tiled floor.

He knew he should stop thinking this way, but he couldn't help it. It wasn't like he wanted to be this way, it was just how it was. He couldn't help it, and more than a baby could help from crying. The darker thoughts began to surface, and he closed his eyes to fight them back. It was getting worse, he needed help; but he couldn't bring himself to seek it. It would mean he was weak, that he didn't belong here; even though that was the truth. He didn't belong at Beacon. He was a fake, a fraud, a failure.

"Why even bother." he muttered as he walked and found himself outside in the gardens. "It's not like it matters."

He heard people as they approached, most likely other students, so he slid his face from blank lost look to his customary cheerful one. Even though if anyone truly would look they would see that his eyes did not shine with cheer, they were dull and pained. He smiled and nodded, waving when waved at, and faked his way past them. His mask fell as soon as he was alone, back to his reality. All around him birds sang, and flowers bloomed, it was beautiful, serene. But he couldn't see it, he couldn't focus on anything but the thoughts invading his mind. I should get help, he thought as he once again closed his eyes and fought back against the waves of conflicting emotions swirling about in his thoughts.

"No one can." he muttered to himself in a snarl. "Who would want to?"

Finding an isolated bench he sat down and leaned forward, his arms crossed. He needed to find something to do, but there was nothing. Despite all the facilities Beacon had to offer, gyms, training rooms, library; none of it was worth expending the little energy he had. He wasn't even hungry, despite the fact he had skipped supper last night, and breakfast this morning; instead opting for a couple cups of coffee. When his friends mentioned it, he waved it off.

As he sat there his mind gave into the darkness, and the shadows of past thoughts rose to greet him. He knew each one intimately. Each was an option, something he had considered before, but never acted upon. He knew how to, just he didn't have the energy. Hearing the approach of someone, he slipped on his mask again and straightened himself up. Again he waved, smiled and nodded at people he didn't know, and who he was sure would forget him the moment they passed.

Wanting to really be alone he stood, and wandered off, his mind lost in a maze of emotions and thoughts. There was no plan, but he knew how. Everyone knew how, it was almost crazy how easy it was to find ways to. So on he wandered avoiding the places he knew people would probably be. He needed to be alone, wanted it; deserved it.

Images of his family floated through his thoughts and he had to take a deep breath to fight back the urge. Even going so far to squeeze his eyes shut. Opening them he blinked several times, before once again walking aimlessly. He continued this for much of the day, only turning to return to his team's room when suppertime was growing close. It was Saturday, there were no classes so he was not expected anywhere, which was for the best, he didn't want to be around anyone.

Reaching the door to his room, he remembered that he had left his scroll inside, and sighing he knocked, partly hoping no one was in. He heard the latch click and watched as the door swung open. He smiled his well known goofy smile as Pyrrha's face greeted him. She was so beautiful, so refined, so much more worthy of being here than him. He didn't feel like he belonged anywhere.

"Jaune?"

"Forgot my scroll."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." he replied softly as he walked into the room and towards his bed.

"No you're not." Pyrrha commented. "You're not acting like yourself."

"I'm fine."

"Jaune, is something wrong?" Pyrrha asked her voice full of genuine concern.

"I said I'm fine." he snapped his temper starting to emerge.

"You can talk to me if th..."

"I said I'm fine!" Jaune snapped as he grabbed his scroll and whipped it at the wall.

Pyrrha took a step back as it shattered on impact. Her vivid green eyes wide in shock. She had never seen him act out like this in all the short time she had known him. He had always seemed so happy, so carefree. It was so out of character for him.

"You' re not fine Jaune. Talk to me."

"No, leave it be." he snarled. The anger felt good. It choked out the empty feeling he had been suffering from all day.

"Jaune..."

"Enough! Leave me alone!"

"I can't..."

Jaune snapped at that point. Growling he pushed past Pyrrha and smashed his fist against the bathroom door, punching a hole through the flimsy wood. The pain felt good, it felt even better than the anger. Again and again he lashed out at the inanimate object. Cracking it, denting, and breaking it's surface. He refused to push up his aura, wanting to feel the pain of each impact, and in short order his fists where covered in scratches and small cuts. Pyrrha took a step back as he unloaded on the door, totally out of her element of how to deal with what was happening. She had never experienced such random rage, and it scared her deeply.

"Jaune you need to stop!" she called out to him.

He did stop, but not because of her words. He was looking at his fists, noticing the slight amount of blood swelling up from the minor wounds. He needed more, the pain was better than the anger; and worlds more preferable to the emptiness. As Pyrrha watched he turned and hauled back. Grunting and screaming, he smashed his fist against the cinder block wall. Pyrrha brought her hands up in front of her mouth, fear filling her as she watched Jaune hurt himself.

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" she yelled as she found the strength to finally move.

Jaune felt the bones break and smiled. His hand screamed in agony, and throbbed painfully, but it was something, he was feeling something. Not wanting lose that feeling he pulled back his other hand and threw it towards the unfeeling wall. Pyrrha's arms grabbed at him, pulling back his arm preventing the impact. Jaune tried to force his punch past her, but she held tight, keeping it from getting close to the wall.

"Jaune please." she pleaded.

Jaune turned; saw her fear and concern filled eyes, and broke. Everything fled him. His ability to stand, and his rage. He went limp as tears filled his eyes, and rolled down his cheeks. Pyrrha struggled to keep him from crashing to the floor, and in the end just had to go with him, using her own body to guide him down to his knees. Once there he buried his head into her chest and wrapped his arms loosely about her waist. Sobs wracked his body, shaking his shoulders. Pyrrha didn't know what else to do but sit there and let him just release it all, while trying to comfort him with her soft embrace.

Ren and Nora returned to find them. Jaune clutching to Pyrrha as he cried. Pyrrha looked up at them with a lost look, tears threatening to almost fall from her own eyes. Nora didn't hesitate to move in. Gently she tugged at Jaune getting him to loosen his grip and turn towards her. She smiled warmly at him with her arms spread, and invitation for comfort. Nora said nothing and just accepted him into her embrace.

Ren took a couple moments to survey the room; noticing the shattered scroll, and the destroyed bathroom door. Slowly he stepped away and pulled out his scroll. Pyrrha stayed on the floor next to Nora and Jaune. Gently rubbing his back as Nora rocked him.

"It's too hard." he mumbled.

Neither Nora or Pyrrha attempted to ask him what he was talking about, they just let him talk.

"I want it to stop, please make it stop." he sobbed, "Make it stop."

/==/

If you are feeling like hurting yourself there is help...

Canadian Suicide Prevention Service
1 833 456 4566

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
1 800 273 8255

/==/

Just felt the need to use Jaune in a way that I sometimes feel.
I'm sharing this in case it can help someone else out who has similar feelings.
This is just me trying to work out what is going on, there is no intention to make a full story out of this.