FADE IN:
EXT. STREET - DAY
The year is 1996. A sickly looking vortex forms in the air. It fluctuates in size and then spits out REMBRANDT onto the pavement.
Even the landing is different than usual. Remmy sits there for a few seconds, rubbing his sore spots as he watches the wormhole snap shut.
REMBRANDT
How long we here for, Q-Ball?
No answer. Rembrandt turns and looks around for his missing companions.
REMBRANDT
Wade? Hey Q-Ball! Professor! Come on guys, this isn't funny here!
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
The place looks almost abandoned and covered in trash. A dense cloud of litter whips through the air and the same sickly looking vortex opens up again. Out comes QUINN and with a big thud, he falls down hard into the pile of litter. He's dressed in a flannel shirt and blue jeans.
From AROUND THE CORNER, we see another Quinn-QUINN 2, watching this with a look of shock and amazement. He looks very different from our Quinn. His hair is neatly combed back. He's dressed in a fancy dark blue shirt and black slacks. He also wears several gold chained necklaces around his neck along with a few gold expensive rings on his fingers.
Quinn doesn't notice him. He stands up, rubbing his shoulder as he suddenly realises that he is alone.
QUINN
Wade! Rembrandt! Professor!
Quinn begins to get worried. He starts to head out of the alley quickly, when Quinn 2 comes in and punches him square in the face.
Quinn's out cold. He falls to the ground as Quinn 2 looks around cautiously. When he sees that no one is around to notice, he begins slipping off his gold chains.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Three homeless people are seated around a fifty-five gallon drum. On top of the drum, a big screen TV. A slightly dented, but operational, satellite dish provides the reception.
A slick announcer is on the TV screen. The set with huge font lettering behind him reads LIPSCHITZ LIVE! The host we'll come to know as BARRY LIPSCHITZ.
LIPSCHITZ
Yes, folks. Thanks to you, Lipschitz Live is now the most watched show in the history of television. Beamed to our armed forces abroad, to our research teams at the South Pole, to the hard-working guys abroad the crippled space station, Lipschitz Live sets the pace for our world today
The people are glued to the television set. Almost as if something dangerous would happen if they looked away.
Quinn 2 rounds a corner. He is now dressed in our Quinn's flannel and jeans. He ruffles out his hair a bit to give it the shaggy mopped look that our Quinn has. He also rips off the gold rings on his fingers and throws them to the ground without a thought.
He looks around cautiously as he eyes the timer in his hands. It reads two hours and fifty-four minutes and counting.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH RISE BUILDING - DAY
A towering structure of steel and glass. A window washing rig is hanging off the side of the building. ARTURO and WADE are dangling from the rig! This is where the unstable vortex dropped them.
Arturo has both his hands clearly gripped onto the rig, holding on for dear life. Wade is below him, clinging onto his left foot. Both are equally terrified.
WADE
Where do you think the others are?
ARTURO
(Sighs)
Miss. Welles, we are a hundred and fifty feet up in the air. Does it look like I am in a position to answer that question?
WADE
(looking down; yelling)
Quinn! Rembrandt! Quinn!
ARTURO
Save your breath, woman. If you would stop wittering for a moment, I might be able to pull us up
Wade manages to climb up the length of Arturo's leg. She works his way up his back, until she is able to move over and put her hands onto the rig.
Arturo manages to pull himself up over the edge, to safety. He then turns to Wade and reaches out a hand to pull her up as well.
WADE
Do you think they might have missed the slide?
ARTURO
How am I supposed to know? Come on, let's not overreact. They might have landed somewhere else in the city. It's happened to us before. Now, our first priority is finding a way down from here
Suddenly, Wade notices the hoist control lying on the suspended rig platform with them.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
With Rembrandt. Seems at first like a normal San Francisco street. But as Remmy walks along, he notices that there seem to be television sets everywhere. At a crosswalk instead of a streetlight on a pole, there is a television set. People waiting on a bench for a bus watch a small set on an adjustable stand attached to the bench. Storefronts, no matter what other merchandise is for sale, all feature TV sets. All sets also seem to be tuned into Lipschitz.
LIPSCHITZ
All week on 'Lipschitz,' we'll be investigating the paranormal Aliens from somewhere 'out there.' Folks like you and me who claim to have been abducted. Out of body travelers, remote viewers, a man who claims to be the reincarnation of Nostradamus, but says he doesn't remember predicting anything.
Rembrandt notices how everyone on the sidewalk all are transfixed by this program. They all have their eyes glued to the sets.
Remmy moves away, making his way for the Dominion Hotel across the street. All of a sudden, he is grabbed from behind by two MEN sporting matching black jackets with the logo for Lipschitz Live in the corner.
GUY 1
Rembrandt Brown! Well, I'll be damned, it is you!
REMBRANDT
Excuse me?
GUY 2
It's a shame you couldn't answer in time for Superstar Week. I know those folks would have loved to see the Cryin' Man on Live TV
REMBRANDT
Look, now there's got to be some mistake here-
GUY 1
But you'll do just fine next to that clown who claims to be from another planet. Now come on. We got to get you into hair and make-up
The two guys haul Rembrandt into the back of a van. The van has the words Lipschitz Live written across on it.
REMBRANDT
Now hold on. See I can explain everything
GUY 2
Save it for the show! We all can't wait to hear about the Cryin' Man's adventures in the rain forest with Cindy Crawford!
Rembrandt protests as the van's doors are closed and drives away.
Quinn, still in a bit of a daze, comes running around the corner.
QUINN
Rembrandt! Guys, wait!
He's seen all of this. He is now wearing his double's clothing, albeit they look a little sloppier on him.
Quinn stands there, trying to read the license plate as the van drives away.
QUINN
(Reading)
C43-
However, Quinn doesn't get to finish reading the plate number as two THUGS come out from behind him. Before Quinn can say anything else, the larger of the two thugs locks a forearm around his neck, stifling his complaints.
The two lift Quinn off his feet and hustle him away.
EXT. HIGH RISE BUILDING - DAY
Wade and Arturo are still on top of the window washing rig. Wade struggles to figure out the switches for the heist control.
ARTURO
What the devil is taking so long? Make up your mind, woman!
WADE
Well excuse me, do I see you trying to figure out these controls?
ARTURO
Just press something so we can go up or down!
WADE
It couldn't hurt them to have labeled these switches
ARTURO
(sighs)
Miss. Welles, we don't have time for this right now
Wade hits one of the switches. The scaffold starts to move down. She then hits another and it starts to move up. As the platform moves up, Wade takes her glance off of the remote and looks over the side railing.
Down below, she sees Quinn 2, still dressed and looking very much like our Quinn.
WADE
It's Quinn
(To down bellow; yelling)
Hey Quinn! Quinn, up here!
ARTURO
Save your breath, Miss. Welles. We're too high up. He'll never hear us
The rig slowly comes to a stop and parks itself at the edge of the roof. Wade and Arturo crawl out and head across the roof.
ARTURO
Did it look like Mr. Mallory was headed for the Dominion Hotel?
WADE
I think so. Let's just hope we haven't missed the slide
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
Darkness. The limo door opens, light streams up. We see two men shoving a reluctant Quinn into the back of the limo. The door closes.
MACARTHUR
It seems once again, you've been handed the reins and once again, you've disappointed me
A light flicks on.
Sitting on the backseat is MACARTHUR MCCONNELL, Quinn's step-father in this universe. Sixtyish, graying, intense, clad in a business suit. Quinn settles into the couch and sits opposite MacArthur.
QUINN
Now, look, see-
MACARTHUR
(Cutting him off)
But you are not going to get out of this that easily, Quinn. Like it or not, you are part of this family and as my stepson, you will live up to your obligations
QUINN
Okay, I know this is kind of hard to explain but I'm not your Quinn
MACARTHUR
Like it or not, when I married your mother, you became heir apparent to the Infinicorp dynasty. I don't have to tell you how important this whole transaction is
QUINN
Look, sir, with all due respect-
MACARTHUR
Have you been drinking again, son? I've warned you about that. But you already know a great deal hinges on you. Our merger to the Milleniamedia means putting an end to fifty years of brutal warfare
QUINN
(sighs)
I'm not your Quinn
MACARTHUR
Now get dressed and make me proud
QUINN
Get dressed into what?
The window next to Quinn slides open again. A hand reaches in and hands a garment bag over to him. Quinn looks at it with a puzzled expression.
EXT. STREET - FRONT OF DOMINION HOTEL
In this world, the front of the Dominion, above the marquee entrance, is a huge television screen, and on this screen at all times is Lipschitz Live. We can't hear him but we can see Barry Lipschitz pontificating, waving his arms.
We see Wade and Arturo cross the street and enter the hotel.
INT. DOMINION LOBBY - DAY
The two enter. This version of the Dominion is upscale with well-dressed folks in the lobby. We also begin to see the decorations for a wedding going up.
Wade and Arturo approach the check-in desk where GOMEZ CALHOUN, the desk clerk, has his gaze locked on the Lipschitz Live show on a television sitting on the desk.
LIPSCHITZ
Our next guest has a Shar Pei that has predicted the next big earthquake and the results of next year's show ratings
WADE
Hey, excuse me
GOMEZ CALHOUN
(Snapping; indicating TV)
Shh, can't you see this is important? Guy's got a psychic dog
ARTURO
Yes, my good sir, well if we could take a moment of your time, we would like a room please
GOMEZ CALHOUN
We're booked up
ARTURO
This third rate hotel is booked up?
GOMEZ CALHOUN
Third rate? Anyways, there's a big corporate wedding going on
WADE
Has a Quinn Mallory checked in here?
GOMEZ CALHOUN
(Thinking)
Quinn Mallory...Quinn Mallory...Oh yeah! We have him. Room 412. You can call him on the house phone right over there
Gomez points off, then turns back to his TV.
WADE
Uh thanks
Wade and Arturo head for the stairs.
ARTURO
Absolute despicable world! People are practically glued to the television. How is a civilized society expected to run this way?
WADE
Well maybe on this world, people haven't learned that too much TV is bad for your eyes
ARTURO
I just hope we aren't here long
INT. DOMINION HALLWAY - DAY
Wade and the professor come down the corridor to room 412. Arturo knocks. No answer. Wade jiggles on the knob, putting pressure on the door. It doesn't budge.
The two give each other a confused glance. Wade takes out a bobby pin from her hair and uses it to pick the lock on the door.
WADE
In most worlds, this lock tends to be a little...Aha!
Success. They're finally able to open the door.
ARTURO
Well done, Miss. Welles!
The two of them enter the hotel room.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
WADE
Quinn! Rembrandt! Anyone here?
Wade and Arturo begin to look around. An open suitcase is on the bed. Chinese take-out containers are sitting on the table. A big screen TV in a corner is running the ever-present Lipschitz Live. There are also mini TV's on either side of the program.
Arturo walks over to the closed bathroom door and knocks a couple times. No answer. Meanwhile, Wade has taken to examining the Chinese food take-out containers.
WADE
Would Quinn have time to get Chinese food?
Arturo strides over to the bed and has now noticed the suitcase. He takes a quick look at the clothes inside, and on the side of the case, there is a Q. M. in monogrammed letters.
ARTURO
It's not Quinn. It's a double
WADE
This TV is giving me a headache
Wade crosses the room over to the big television set. She turns it off. But as she turns around back to Arturo, the TV turns itself back on.
WADE
What the...
She tries turning the TV back off, but it automatically turns itself back on again.
ARTURO
Good heavens! It's like it's on an automatic reset mode!
Wade crosses the room over to the window. As she looks out, she notices Quinn 2 standing outside below.
WADE
Hey, it's Quinn!
Arturo comes to join her at the window. He opens it up a sheer but and begins to yell outside.
ARTURO
Mr. Mallory! Mr. Mallory, up here!
Wade turns away from the window and heads back for the door. Arturo follows her.
EXT. DOMINION HOTEL - DAY
Lipschitz Live is still running on the big screen above the marquee. Quinn 2 stands outside the hotel, looking around. Wade and Arturo bolt from the entrance and run up to Quinn 2.
WADE
Quinn, there you are!
ARTURO
Where the devil have you been?
Quinn 2 looks confused. He backs away from the two sliders and doesn't watch, as he walks onto the road.
WADE
Hey Quinn!
(She turns to Arturo)
What's up with him?
Quinn 2 takes the timer out of his pocket and he begins studying the numbers counting down. He doesn't notice as suddenly, from out of nowhere, a SPEEDING AMBULANCE comes bursting onto the scene. We can see from inside the ambulance, a mini TV set is perched up on the driver's dashboard which has captivated his attention.
WADE
Quinn, look out!
Quinn 2 looks up from the timer a moment too late as the ambulance hits him hard, knocking him to the ground.
Quinn 2 snacks his head hard on the pavement and he's out cold. Wade and Arturo come running to his side, worried. Quinn 2 loses his grip on the timer and it falls onto the street. Arturo picks it up and looks at it with a worried expression.
The paramedics hustle out of the ambulance with a stretcher.
WADE
Quinn? Quinn, are you okay?
Five BYSTANDERS come and push our sliders out of the way. They have camcorders in their hands and have come to film the event.
ARTURO
Good, god! What is the matter with you, man?
WADE
It's okay! He's with us!
The paramedics half-hazrdly pick up Quinn 2 by the waist and throw him onto the stretcher nonchalantly, face down.
WADE
Hey, gentle with him!
The paramedics have their doors wide open as they shove the incapacitated Quinn 2 inside.
The bystanders, seemingly happy with their footage, move off.
WADE
Hey, what is the matter with you people?
ARTURO
Come along, Miss. Welles. We've got no time to lose
Wade and Arturo climb into the back of the ambulance.
CUT TO:
INT. TV STATION DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Rembrandt sits in a chair inside the very busy dressing room. A DRESSER pats makeup on his face with a sponge. Once again, there is a TV in the room broadcasting Lipschitz Live.
REMBRANDT
(Re: the sponge)
Woah woah, easy girl. You know the Cryin' Man's a sensitive touch
The dresser lightens up on the patting.
DRESSER
We need to get you out there soon. Why didn't you respond to any of our letters?
REMBRANDT
Look, I've told you and I've told you. I'm from a parallel earth. Now I need to go find my friends. It's really urgent
DRESSER
You know, it's a wonder we ran into you now with your delusions. You might like our other guest
REMBRANDT
How do you get away with just snatching people off the street?
DRESSER
Since Entertainment Weekly died out, we need every performance we can get to fill up the entertainment portion. It's a wonder we just found you where you were. Otherwise, we would have had to try to get Kurt Cobain. Ugh.
Rembrandt slightly lifts his right arm which is now revealed to be hand-cuffed to the chair.
REMBRANDT
So let me get this straight. Your Jerry Springer rip-off television show will suffer if you can't kidnap an innocent celebrity and force him to perform for you?
DRESSER
Yes, now hold still
REMBRANDT
Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police
DRESSER
Don't play dumb. You're aware of the thirty-fifth amendment just like everyone else
Rembrandt sighs and turns his attention to the television in front of him. The dresser also watches with a close eye as she works on him.
LIPSCHITZ
The Senator, while denying he was drunk, could not explain his nudity
REMBRANDT
(Indicating screen)
Man, people seem to really like this guy
DRESSER
Well are you kidding? Barry Lipschitz is the only show on television
REMBRANDT
Yeah, sure seems that way
DRESSER
Well I mean there used to be some educational stuff but once Lipschitz Live started covering that stuff back in '86, he's about the only one. Don't tell me you don't watch it
REMBRANDT
Oh I mean, you know me being a superstar. I travel a lot
DRESSER
What? You're trying to let your inner Youth shine out? I swear, that's the problem with kids these days. They don't watch enough TV. How do you expect to know what's going on in the world?
REMBRANDT
No reading on this world?
DRESSER
Read? You sound like my grandfather. You know books were banned back in '78 when they decided that keeping your eyes too close to the page will damage your eye site
REMBRANDT
Woah woah woah, what do you mean damage your eye site?
DRESSER
Man, you really are out of the loop, aren't you?
REMBRANDT
Let's just say I live under a rock
DRESSER
Well in that case, pleased to make your acquaintance
A pause. They both turn their attention back to the television.
LIPSCHITZ
Coming up today on Lipschitz Live! We'll meet a host of interesting personalities from this world and beyond. Space aliens and extra dimensional travelers. Are they really among us? What do they want? Are they an added burden to the already weighted down welfare system? We'll find out today on Lipschitz
REMBRANDT
Man, so tell me more about this Lipschitz character
DRESSER
Hmm. Well I guess he made his name as a reporter for INN during the war with Guam, in which we kicked their butts by the way. After the war, INN merged with TBC. Global bought TBC and merged with UniMax, who got folded into the Turnbull group, which got eaten up by general Comco, and then that guy everybody thought was the Unabomber bought the whole shebang and made Lipschitz his big star. Everybody watches him
REMBRANDT
Why is this world so obsessed with TV?
DRESSER
Well are you kidding? When the TV's first came out, there was no denying it was revolutionary. Kids were doing better in school. You learn everything from watching TV. Everyone thought it was way more revolutionary than reading a book or listening to the radio. Besides, who's going to go out and talk to friends when they can sit around and watch TV?
REMBRANDT
Man, this world sounds like a ten-year-old's paradise
DRESSER
I mean, come to think of it. If the Industrial Revolution happened any later, TV's would have been more expensive and we would have no Barry Lipschitz!
REMBRANDT
When did the Industrial Revolution happen?
DRESSER
Oh, I don't know. Early 1700's, late 1690's. How should I know? I'm not Lipschitz
Rembrandt is starting to get an idea.
REMBRANDT
And everybody watches him, right?
DRESSER
Well I mean, how could you not? Every TV in San Francisco plays him twenty-four/seven. In fact, if you try turning him off, it'll just turn itself back on again
REMBRANDT
Girl, your world's so wacky, it might just crack the top ten
INT. DOMINION HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY
A large spacious room. The space has been configured for this special ceremony: podium, a big table with a big book on it. MacArthur stands behind the table with the book open in his hands. Several dozen suited executives sit in folding chairs. The wedding march starts.
MacArthur's thugs from before, come in from the side entrance. They hold up a duck-taped mouthed Quinn in between them, now clad in a black suit. He squirms and we can hear his muffled cries. They place him on the ground in front of the table. They take the tape off his mouth.
QUINN
Okay, guys, look-
One of the thugs elbows him to be quiet. Quinn gets the signal and stays silent.
Ten men in pin-striped suits and carrying briefcases, march down the aisle and move into formation, five on either side of the aisle. The audience of well dressed men and women stand as the bride makes the entrance on the arm of her father.
ROXANNE, the bride, is wearing a well-tailored, white business suit dress, pillbox hat with white veil. As they head down the aisle, the businessmen/ushers snap to attention and hoist up their briefcases, forming an "arch of honour" for the bride and her father to pass beneath.
Roxanne's father goes to sit in the audience with the rest of the businessmen as his daughter approaches the table. The music stops and ushers lower their briefcases and the audience sits down.
MacArthur nods towards Roxanne, who in return picks up a pen and signs the book in several places. Afterwards, he turns towards Quinn who stands there, still. MacArthur gives him a stern stare and nudges him.
MACARTHUR
(Gritting through his teeth)
Sign it. Sign the book
Quinn rolls his eyes as he picks up the pen and signs where he is shown. Afterwards, MacArthur closes the book up and moves to stand in front of the podium to address the audience.
MACARTHUR
Thank you. What we have witnessed today is the beginning of the end. The conflict is over. No longer will our efforts be hindered by destructive competition and ruinous price wars.
More APPLAUSE. Quinn keeps his eye on the clock in the room.
MACARTHUR
Now let us move forward as a single corporation. Remember our motto, farmers grow stuff but we feed the masses
MacArthur turns to address Quinn and Roxanne.
MACARTHUR
The merger is complete. I now pronounce you one husband, one wife, one family, one corporation
Even more APPLAUSE. Quinn's shooken. MacArthur, with a big grin on his face, slaps him on the back.
MACARTHUR
Congratulations, son. You're married
The music swells up. Quinn is about to make a beeline out of there when Roxanne pulls him close to her and plants a kiss on his lips. Quinn, doesn't know what to do, goes along with it.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Quinn 2 is sprawled out on the hospital bed, unconscious. He wears a hospital gown. Of course, a wall-mounted television is blaring away playing commercials this time. Wade and Arturo enter the room.
WADE
I just hope we can find Rembrandt before it's time to slide
Arturo looks at the timer in his hands.
ARTURO
Yes, well it appears our window is dwindling. We only have an hour left
Wade grabs the clipboard off the end of the bed and quickly looks it over.
ARTURO
How is he?
WADE
Mild concussion. Nothing broken. He's mildly sedated but it says he'll be okay
ARTURO
Mr. Mallory? Quinn? Time to wake up, my boy
Quinn 2 stirs. He opens his eyes. Of course, he doesn't recognize these people.
QUINN 2
Wha...?
Wade holds up two fingers in front of his face.
WADE
How many fingers?
QUINN 2
Seven...?
WADE
Close enough. Come on, we got to get moving
ARTURO
Get his clothes
Wade goes to the closet. She pulls out Quinn 2's clothes and tosses them on the bed. Quinn 2 becomes a little more coherent as he looks around at the sliders, trying to place them.
QUINN 2
Are you with MacArthur?
ARTURO
Now now. Come along, now. We are old friends from back home
Quinn 2 sits up and takes his clothes. He looks through his pockets and sees that the timer isn't there. A sheer panic wells up inside him.
QUINN 2
The gizmo! Where's the gizmo?!
ARTURO
Settle down, Mr. Mallory. I have the timer right here
WADE
Come on, Quinn. We have to find Remmy and we only have an hour till we slide
QUINN 2
Slide. Right
CUT TO:
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
A darkened television talk show studio. The music kicks in as the lights fade up.
ANNOUNCER (V.O)
Ladies and gentlemen, the paragon of the airwaves, the titan of television, the most watched, admired and awarded host in the history of world wide communication. Give it up for Barry Lipschitz, and it's Lipschitz Live!
Righteous applause as our host, Barry Lipschitz takes the stage. He flashes an expensive, toothy grin at the camera, then turns to his adoring audience.
LIPSCHITZ
Too kind...really...you're too kind
The applause dies down and Lipschitz moves towards the camera which captures him in extreme close up. Lipschitz goes into full swarm mode.
LIPSCHITZ
Friends...and I take that word very seriously...today we have something special. Something more than a show. Today we're talking about aliens. People from other worlds, other dimensions. Are they really here? If so, why are they here? What do they have to tell us? Also, special appearance today by Rembrandt Cryin' Man Brown. It's a shame we couldn't get him on in time for Superstar Week but the dresser here says he'll fit right in with today's theme. Alright, let's meet our guests.
A man named ARNOLD POTTS comes onto the stage and takes a seat in one of the chairs. He's a bit overweight and stuffed into a Buck Rogers space outfit. He carries a large satchel with him, which he puts down beside his chair.
LIPSCHITZ
First we have Arnold Potts.
Potts rises and gives a weird hand salute.
POTTS
Be self-reliant and multiply
LIPSCHITZ
Thanks for that, Arnold. Now sit down and get a life.
Potts sits down.
LIPSCHITZ
Folk's, Arnold's claim, and let me see if I've got it straight...is that he's not here at all
POTTS
I'm not here at all
LIPSCHITZ
He's a pan-galactic traveller who says he can project his image anywhere in the cosmos
The audience oohs and ahhs as Rembrandt comes onto the stage and sits in the other chair.
LIPSCHITZ
And our big special guest, give it up everybody for Rembrandt Brown!
The audience claps hysterically as Rembrandt smiles and waves to his fans.
LIPSCHITZ
Now, Mr. Brown. Our hairdresser says that you claim that you are in fact, not Rembrandt Brown, but a double of him from another dimension
REMBRANDT
That's right. I come from a parallel earth
POTTS
The man is an obvious phony
LIPSCHITZ
Why do you say that, Mr. Potts?
POTTS
He's a headline grabber. Look at him, he doesn't even have an outfit. He's just doing whatever he can to get back in the spotline after his sabbatical!
LIPSCHITZ
So tell me, Mr. Brown? Now you've been away for quite awhile. How was the rain forest with Cindy Crawford? Did you and her get it on?
REMBRANDT
Now look, Barry. I know it sounds fantastical. And I don't give a crap about whatever that guy says. But I really am from a parallel earth. See, this guy Q-Ball-
LIPSCHITZ
(Cuts him off)
Q-Ball?!
REMBRANDT
Yes. So he built this gizmo-
The rest is tuned out as we...
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Revealing we were watching the above on the screen in the hospital room.
ARTURO
What the devil is he doing?
We focus back on the TV.
LIPSCHITZ
Mr. Brown, why don't you tell us why you're really here if you're not going to tell us about your trip in the rainforest
REMBRANDT
Well it's like this
He turns to the camera.
REMBRANDT
Hey, Q-Ball! Wade! Professor! Come down to KKRP when you get this guys! We'll meet after the show!
WADE
Pretty smart move if you ask me
She starts leading a wobbly Quinn 2 out of the room, who is now dressed.
QUINN 2
(Re: The TV)
Friend of ours?
Wade takes a step back as she thinks about that comment.
WADE
You sure we've got the right Quinn, Professor?
ARTURO
Don't be ridiculous, Miss. Welles. He had the timer
WADE
Come on, we're going to miss the slide
The three of them hustle out of the room.
INT. DOMINION BRIDAL SUITE - DAY
Quinn and Roxanne enter. Quinn, in a state of panic, rips the wedding ring off his finger.
QUINN
Look, you've got to help me. I know this is hard for you to swallow but I'm not your Quinn-
ROXANNE
Put a sock in it. Let's just get this over with
QUINN
Look. Roxanne. Do you have a limo we could use? Or even a car I could borrow? The point is, I got to meet up with my friends. It's urgent I do this
Roxanne walks over to the bucket with a champagne bottle inside of it. She takes out the bottle and begins pouring herself a glass
ROXANNE
Is that the best you can do?
QUINN
Absolutely
ROXANNE
Look, I don't want this marriage anymore than you do. But we've known for years it was coming. Like it or not, the corporate dynasties continue through our bloodline. It's a curse of birth
QUINN
That's just what I'm trying to say. I'm not your Quinn. I'm from a parallel world
ROXANNE
Have you been drinking again? You know, I've warned you about that
QUINN
Look, I know it's hard to believe but it's true. I built this timer. It takes me from one parallel world to another. And If I don't find it soon or my friends, then we're all stuck here for the next twenty-nine years
Roxanne moves over to the bed and starts undoing it.
ROXANNE
Did you try that line on your father?
QUINN
He's not my father
ROXANNE
I know you hate MacArthur, but really...
QUINN
I don't even know him! That's not the point. Look, help me. Don't you have a car I could borrow? Or is there some place I can get a cab?
ROXANNE
Forget your friends. Just go call in the lawyers
QUINN
What?
Roxanne takes off her dress. She stands there in her undergarments as Quinn is utterly confused and slightly uncomfortable.
ROXANNE
What, did you hit your head? Look, they're in the hall. They must be present at the consummation to verify the merger. You know this
Roxanne throws Quinn down onto the bed. She jumps on after him.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIDAL SUITE BATHROOM - DAY
Roxanne stands at the closed bathroom door wearing a bathrobe. Two LAWYERS stand to either side of her. She POUNDS on the door.
ROXANNE
Quinn, come out of there!
Lawyer #1 impatiently checks his watch.
ROXANNE
Come on, Quinn. Bernie and Hal have watched a lot of mergers
INT. BRIDAL SUITE BATHROOM - DAY
The window is open. Quinn, in a state of panic, is busy tying bath towels together for an easy escape route. Naturally, there is a television on the sink cabinet but Quinn isn't paying attention to it.
ON THE TV
Lipshitz Live continues.
Remmy and Potts are in their usual spots from before. Lipshitz works freestyle with a hand-held mic, roaming the stage.
POTTS
You know, I was hoping I was going to be the only guest on today.
(He points at Remmy)
This charlatan demeans the very concept of inter-dimensional voyaging
LIPSCHITZ
You know, he's got a point, Brown. I think we've gotten a little carried away with this so-called 'sliding' story. Now can you tell us about Cindy Crawford and the rainforest?
REMBRANDT
The only reason I'm here is because your incompitent ass guards dragged my butt to your studio. I'm just using your space so I can reunite with my friends. Wade! Professor! Quinn! Get down here as soon as you can
BACK ON QUINN
At the mention of his name, he is snapped out of his mission and looks up at the TV, puzzled. A brief smile crosses his face at the sight of seeing Rembrandt.
QUINN
(Muttering to himself)
Remmy, I swear to god you better have the timer
Quinn throws his make-shift rope made out of the towels out the window.
ROXANNE (O.S)
Quinn, come out of there!
BACK ON THE TV
POTTS
You call yourself an interdimensional traveler? Then where's your portal opener?
LIPSCHITZ
Ah, now see that's a very good question, Potts. Where is your portal opener, Mr. Brown?
Rembrandt makes a guilty smile as he doesn't know how to answer that question without sounding like a fake.
EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY
A cab begins to drive away as Wade, Arturo and Quinn 2 emerge from the building and hit the streets. Arturo catches the cab and comes running up to it, yelling and waving his arms.
ARTURO
Sir! Sir! Excuse me, sir!
Unfortunately, the cab driver doesn't hear him and he drives off out of sight. Arturo sighs.
ARTURO
Blistering idiot...
WADE
Well we're going to have to find one soon. We only have forty-five minutes until we slide
ARTURO
God help us...
WADE
You figure out an explanation, professor, for why we got seperated?
ARTURO
Ah, excellent question, Miss. Welles! It would appear that because of this world's extensive television system, there is an over-saturation of complex RF radiation in the EM spectrum. I believe this could have unhinged the magnetic anchor point, sending the wormhole into a state of spatial flux
Wade nods unsuringly, not totally understanding the professor's theory. Unbeknownst to them, Quinn 2 takes out a lighter out of his pocket and begins lighting up a smoke. That's when they notice...
WADE
Hey, Quinn! What the hell are you doing?
She grabs the cigarette pack away from him as Quinn 2 looks like a deer in the headlights having been caught.
In a quick bit of thinking, he drops his lit-up cigarette onto the ground and smeers it with his foot.
QUINN 2
Oh uh, right. I don't smoke, sorry. Uh, the doctor said it might be good though to uh help with the headaches...
Wade looks very puzzled as Arturo marches forward and yanks Quinn 2 by the collar, angrily.
ARTURO
Where's our friend Quinn and what have you done to him?!
QUINN 2
I...don't know what you're talking about
They're just about to confer further when Wade notices a BIG SCREEN TV across the street where several people have gathered to watch a breaking news flash.
ON SCREEN
Lipschitz addresses the camera.
LIPSCHITZ
We'll get back to these nutbars in a minute, but first a news update from the Lipschitz Action desk
The TV scene switches to show footage of Quinn and Roxanne's wedding ceremony.
LIPSCHITZ (V.O)
A new age in American corporate culture was born today when the heirs to two rival conglomerates were joined in matrimony today. Quinn Mallory of Infinicorpe and Roxanne Crane of Milleniamedia were merged in a ceremony at the Dominion Hotel
The TV switches back to focusing on Lipschitz.
LIPSCHITZ
We have exclusive word that the merger is being formally consummated at this moment. Let's go live to the bridal suite at the Dominion
CUT TO:
INT. BRIDAL SUITE
Roxanne and the lawyers are still pounding on the bathroom door.
CUT TO:
LIPSCHITZ
LIPSCHITZ
Well, there seems to be some kind of delay in the action. We'll be back there live when the merging commences
BACK TO WADE, ARTURO AND QUINN 2
WADE
(Re: the merger)
That was supposed to be you
QUINN 2
Er, come on, guys. Shouldn't we be going so we don't miss the slide?
Arturo releases his grip on Quinn 2 and continues to stand there with his arms folded, unimpressed.
ARTURO
Yes, well first I believe you should tell us how you managed to get our own Quinn to switch places with you
QUINN 2
Look, you heard the man. Quinn Mallory married Roxanne Crane. I hope they'll be very happy
ARTURO
(Firing with rage)
That does not answer my question!
Quinn 2 realises he's been caught. He struggles to find an answer.
QUINN 2
Look, it just...happened, you know? Well I was trying to get out of it and now he's got a great girl
WADE
We can worry about this later. We need to get down to KKRP now
(Turns to the street)
Taxi!
QUINN 2
Look, please let me come with you
ARTURO
And leave our own Mr. Mallory stranded here in your business merger relationship? I would sooner have my liver eaten by a vulture!
A cab pulls up and the three of them hop in.
WADE
Look, right now we got thirty-five minutes. Not a lot of time to hit the hotel, pick up Quinn, drop this Quinn off and get to the studio in time for the slide.
(To the cab driver)
Dominion Hotel, please
CUT TO:
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
Rembrandt is still trying to convince them he's a slider.
REMBRANDT
No, to tell you the truth, man. I really am a slider. I tell you, we hit this one world, see? And the population was so little, you could send them to another planet in a single rocket ship. It turns out they were using the lottery to kill people. So well, I met this one lottery winner, I wanted to take her with us-
ON THE AUDIENCE
Lipschitz and the audience react with new interest.
LIPSCHITZ
Did you have sex with her?
REMBRANDT
Oh, but I forgot to tell you about this one world, you see? Where it was mandatory to tell the truth. And I was with this one girl, right?
LIPSCHITZ
Did you have sex with her?
REMBRANDT
Oh, and don't get me started on this other world where men were all held up in breeding camps. And you see Q-Ball gets kidnapped by this woman-
LIPSCHITZ
(Cuts him off)
Did he have sex with her?
CUT TO:
EXT. DOMINION HOTEL - DAY
Quinn is still hanging onto the make-shift rope he made with the bath towels. He slowly climbs himself down further as he comes across another window...
INT. DOMINION HOTEL SUITE - DAY
Inside the window, MacArthur McConnell and R.J CRANE, are sitting in easy chairs, sipping brandy.
MACARTHUR
Yes, R.J, there were times when I thought this day would never come. Never thought my boy would be up to it. From here on, the sky's the limit. Commemorative plates, spoons, action figures
Unbeknownst to both of them, we see Quinn out the window, still making his way down on his rope.
MACARTHUR
I've got something for you for this special occasion
As MacArthur reaches down to pick up a gift box off the floor, R.J notices Quinn out the window. He taps MacArthur on the shoulder, and they both sit there, staring out.
Quinn's trapped in his tracks. Speechless, he let's go of his rope and drops!
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
Lipschitz Live goes on. Rembrandt and Potts sit in their seats. Lipschitz boring in on them.
LIPSCHITZ
But there's something we've been ignoring, isn't there, gentlemen? A big, burning question that concerns us all when it comes to 'sliders' or 'aliens' or whatever you clowns want to call yourselves. What about the swelling welfare roles? If one of you space clowns breaks a leg, who pays the hospital bill? And when you take a high paying job on this Earth, aren't you taking the bread right out of the mouths of decent, hard-working Americans? What about that?
REMBRANDT
Well...
LIPSCHITZ
(Cutting him off, turning to camera)
We'll be getting to that subject in a moment, right after this important announcement of upcoming attractions on Lipschitz Live!
INT. DOMINION HOTEL BRIDAL SUITE - DAY
One door swings open and we see Quinn suspended between two of MacArthur's goons.
QUINN
Look, guys! Guys!
They swing him up and throw him into the suite and slam the door. Quinn flies across the bed and he rubs his sore ankle.
ROXANNE
Are you okay?
QUINN
I'm fine
Quinn lies there in a moment of self-defeat. Roxanne is starting to accept his "claim."
ROXANNE
I'm sorry to have put you through all this. It's just you look so much like him
Quinn perks up at that statement with keen interest.
QUINN
Wait, so you believe me?
ROXANNE
Well I'm not sure I buy the whole parallel world story but I've never known Quinn Mallory to turn down sex
QUINN
Look, you got to help me. I have to be at the KKRP studio and I don't even know how much time I got here
ROXANNE
You know, you can stay. Being rich is a pretty sweet deal
QUINN
I can't...Look. Roxanne. You're beautiful and I think any guy would be lucky to 'merge' with you, but I got to go home
Quinn gestures to the TV and we switch our focus to there.
ON THE TV
Lipschitz Live. Lipschitz is dealing with Potts now.
LIPSCHITZ
So, Mr. Potts, you would have us believe that you can 'de-materialize' like the atoms in your body just magically vaperize into molecules and transport you to some other plane?
POTTS
There's no magic involved. I de-atomize here and I re-atomize somewhere else
LIPSCHITZ
That's something I'm sure we would all like to see. Wouldn't you, Mr. Brown?
As Rembrandt starts to talk, Quinn points to him.
QUINN
Look, there's my friend. Roxanne. Please, you got to help me!
Roxanne looks at him for a moment, then nods, takes his hand and they head for the door. We linger a moment on the television.
REMBRANDT
Look, man. Deatomizing, this. Reatomozing that. Now I don't know what any of this is. All I know is me and my friends-we just jump into this vortex and we go to another world from here
LIPSCHITZ
And I'm sure everyone would like to see that
REMBRANDT
(Chuckles)
Hey, maybe you will. Who knows?
Back on Quinn and Roxanne. They are about to open the door when it bursts open to the site of MacArthur and his goons. MacArthur looks up at the two with an earpiece in his hand. He was obviously trying to eavesdrop. Quinn and Roxanne play up the newlywed angle to the max as they lovingly nuzzle and tickle each other.
MACARTHUR
Ah, now this is more like the happy couple I know. But where are you two off to?
Quinn tries to head past him.
QUINN
Not important
MacArthur puts his hand up and stops him. Roxanne covers for Quinn.
ROXANNE
Uh, Station KKRP. To buy it of course
QUINN
Uh, yeah. We realised there are still some smaller independent stations that aren't apart of the uh... empire and we thought we would buy KKRP as a wedding present
MACARTHUR
Excellent thinking. I can see I had you figured all wrong, son. Why don't you take the limo? Do it in style
Quinn and Roxanne start to head out, but Quinn stops at MacArthur for one moment.
QUINN
You better treat my mother with respect
MacArthur looks confused at this remark. Quinn and Roxanne begin to hurry off before MacArthur gets wise to the charade.
ROXANNE
Come along, dear
And they are gone.
EXT. THE DOMINION HOTEL - DAY
Lipschitz Live can still be seen on the big screen above the marquee as Quinn and Roxanne quickly exit the hotel and hop into the limo. They speed off
ON THE TV
POTTS
This guy's a phony! This guy's a phony! You can't astral project in a sweater vest!
REMBRANDT
Hey, who wants to hear a rendition of Tears in my 'Fro?
ON THE STREETS
Arturo, Wade and Quinn 2's taxi pulls up. They jump out and storm the entrance to The Dominion.
INT. DOMINION HOTEL SUITE - DAY
MacArthur is stuffing some papers into his briefcase when Arturo and Quinn 2 burst in. Arturo immediately starts searching the rooms.
MACARTHUR
(To Quinn 2)
What's going on? Who is this guy? Where's Roxanne? Why are you dressed like you just rolled out of a garbage can? So help me, Quinn, if this is another one of your half-baked-
QUINN 2
(Cuts him off)
Where are they?
MACARTHUR
Where are who?
QUINN 2
Me and Roxanne. Not me me. The other me. The one in the suit
Arturo returns from the bedroom.
ARTURO
Well they are certainly not in here
Wade enters.
WADE
The bridal suite's empty
ARTURO
Quinn must have gotten the message
(He checks the timer)
Seven minutes till we slide
WADE
(To Quinn 2)
We need a car now
QUINN 2
MacArthur, I'm taking the limo
MACARTHUR
Now hold on, I already gave you a limo so you could go buy a television station
QUINN 2
That wasn't me
MACARTHUR
I don't understand
ARTURO
Look, there's no time for this. That merely happened to be your Quinn's double-our Quinn. And we must rescue him in the next few minutes
WADE
We can take a cab
MACARTHUR
I don't take cabs. Let's go. I'll buy another limo
They all exit.
INT. KKRP TELEVISION STATION - DAY
A crowd of people are in the wings. Some carry signs- "Take me sliding," "We love you, Cryin' Man," etc.
Quinn and Roxanne elbow their way through the crowd and are stopped by a security guard. The PRODUCER steps up.
PRODUCER
Can I help you? I produce Lipschitz Live
ROXANNE
Let us in. We own this place, which means we own you
PRODUCER
(Recognizing them)
Wait, aren't you...? The big merger today?
QUINN
Uh yeah. That's us. Quinn Mallory, corporate magnate-And this is my 'mergee'
PRODUCER
Go right in. I'm sure Barry will want you on the show right after these Sliders
Quinn and Roxanne enter the station.
INT. LIMO - DAY
Arturo, Wade, Quinn 2 and MacArthur are all in the back seat.
ARTURO
Now. Mr. Mallory. I believe it is time you tell us why you forced our Quinn to switch places with you
QUINN 2
Look, I didn't mean for all this to happen. It's just...when I saw Quinn slide in, I knew it was possible. I just saw this light and I knew there was a way out of here
WADE
You were working on sliding too?
QUINN 2
Yeah until mom married Mr. Rich Guy over here and he forced me into his stupid corporate dynasty life
ARTURO
Well I believe that would be something for you to discuss with your father
QUINN 2
He's not my father. My father's dead
MACARTHUR
Quinn, when I married your mother, that gave you an obligation-
QUINN 2
(Cuts him off)
I don't care! Look, I don't care about any of these so-called obligations or your freaking corporate dynasty, okay? This is my life we're talking about here!
MacArthur is shocked at Quinn's tone of voice and choice of words.
CUT TO:
INT. TELEVISION STATION - DAY
Same crowd as before in the wings. The security guard and Producer see out people shoving through the crowd. Arturo is in the lead as they get to the guard and the producer.
ARTURO
Madam. It is crucial we must get through this instance
PRODUCER
I'm sorry-
QUINN 2
(Rolls his eyes; he cuts her off)
I'm Quinn Mallory. The big merger. We own this place now or so I've heard
PRODUCER
We've already got a Quinn Mallory
MACARTHUR
Would you just let us in. I can explain everything. Well, almost everything
WADE
Hey, Remmy was talking about sliding, right? Well what better proof than Quinn's exact double from another dimension
This clicks with the Producer. She nods to the guard, who steps aside and our people enter the station.
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
Lipschitz is working on Remmy.
LIPSCHITZ
So you saved an entire population from a deadly virus...
REMBRANDT
Ah, see-
POTTS
(Interrupting)
That would be going against the Prime Directive. You can't travel to these worlds and interfere with their cultures
REMBRANDT
Yeah, I don't know what the hell kind of Prime Directive you're talking about, man. Maybe that's in your universe
POTTS
There are very strict rules for inter-dimensional behaviour
REMBRANDT
Now you're starting to get on my nerves. You know that?
LIPSCHITZ
(To the audience)
Are we loving this, or what?!
WINGS OF STAGE
Quinn and Roxanne have made it to the side of the stage. They pause for a moment. Quinn turns to Roxanne.
QUINN
Thanks for you know, believing me and helping me and all that
ROXANNE
I really wish you were my Quinn
She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
QUINN
Well I've got to go but...take care of yourself
BACK ON STAGE
The show continues.
LIPSCHITZ
(Sarcastic)
So how much time until your next 'slide'?
REMBRANDT
Well see, I don't know, Barry. I'll concur that with my friends after the show and get back to you
Quinn rushes on stage and crosses to Rembrandt.
REMBRANDT
Q-Ball!
Remmy gives Quinn a big hug.
LIPSCHITZ
What's this? Another Slider?
QUINN
It's going to be a hell of a lot of time finding the others, Rembrandt
Wade, Arturo, Quinn 2 and MacArthur make their way through the door and down the aisle.
WADE
We're right here, Quinn!
Wade and Arturo rush onto the stage. Quinn 2 and MacArthur hang back with Roxanne.
LIPSCHITZ
Man, what have we got here? Some kind of weirdo slider reunion?
REMBRANDT
Man, where the devil have you guys been?
ARTURO
It's a long story. We'll tell you all about it on the next world
WADE
(To Quinn)
Hey, you didn't...do anything...did you?
QUINN
No! No
WADE
(Smiles)
You know, you look kind of sharp in a tux
ARTURO
3...2...
Arturo activates the timer and the vortex opens up.
LIPSCHITZ
Folks, I think this may be a Lipschitz first
REMBRANDT
Man, great to meet you, Barry
(To Potts)
You too, Disco Ball Boy
POTTS
I shall be moving on soon as well
LIPSCHITZ
Yeah, no one cares
QUINN
(Re: The vortex)
Come on! Go! Go!
Arturo heads first and leaps into the vortex.
REMBRANDT
(To the audience)
Yeah yeah, ladies and gentlemen, the Cryin' Man bids you a farewell. Stay strong
Rembrandt waves to the audience as he leaps into the vortex followed by Wade. Quinn goes in after them and the vortex snaps shut, leaving a stunned Lipschitz, Potts and audience.
LIPSCHITZ
They said it couldn't happen. But it did. Trans dimensional travel… Four people transported to another world. Ladies and gentlemen, another exclusive on Lipschitz Live!
The audience applauds.
WITH MACARTHUR, QUINN 2 AND ROXANNE.
QUINN 2
So we can get the marriage contract changed, right?
MACARTHUR
Quinn...
QUINN 2
Right?!
MACARTHUR
I guess so. The lawyers didn't witness the consummation
QUINN 2
There was no consummation, was there?
Roxanne shakes her head no.
MACARTHUR
(sighs)
I guess you're right, son. I guess I have to let you live your own life
QUINN 2
Thank you
MACARTHUR
But you're still coming to the corporate dinners
QUINN 2
Sure thing...dad
(He turns to Roxanne)
Friends?
ROXANNE
I'd like that
The two embrace. The audience applauds.
LIPSCHITZ
But is this really the happy ending? Stay tuned, folks, because this young lady may be married to an alien in another dimension. Are there legal complications? What if the other guy comes back? Only one way to know- You've got to watch Lipschitz Live!
Audience cheers.
FADE OUT: