A/N: As always this story wouldn't exist without my wonderful friend and beta Stefanie. Thank you girl!
Some major trigger warnings apply to this story. Trauma, anxiety, panic attacks. If this makes you nervous, please proceed with caution.
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Feels Like Home
Chapter 1
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If I fall, will you carry me
'Til I'm standing firm again?
If I'm down, will you fight for me
'Til I'm holding my own ground?
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Bzzz, bzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz
An arm shoots out from underneath the duvet and frantically hits the alarm on the nightstand. The annoying sound continues and his hand is ramming at the off button full force now. The buzzing stops for a moment and he is just about to roll over when the sound comes back in full force. With a frustrated sigh, he sits up and is just about ready to throw his alarm clock against the wall when he realizes it is his mobile phone making the annoying sound. Upon closer inspection the caller ID says Donna.
His heartbeat goes up a notch and a quick glance at his alarm confirms his suspicion. It is 2:30am in the morning, this is not a social call. He launches himself at his nightstand but in his haste to answer before the call ends, the phone flies to the floor and he bumps his head to the stand in his search for the buzzing item. With a loud swear his hand scrambles around on the floor trying to locate the object while praying it won't go to voicemail just yet.
"Donna! Is everything alright?
The relief of locating the phone under his bed and answering it before the call disappears is short-lived when an unknown voice speaks on the other end of the line.
"Mr. Specter?"
"This is Harvey Specter. Who are you? What are you doing with this phone?"
"I'm detective Smith and I'm calling because you are listed as Miss Paulsen her emergency contact."
"Where is she? Is she alright?" He almost stumbles over his words trying to get them out of his mouth as quickly as possible. He feels the muscles in his chest tighten. Please let her be alright.
"I'm with Donna in her apartment. There has been a shooting in the building."
Harvey's vision gets blurry and his ears start ringing. The woman on the other end of the line sounds far away. The fear of losing her hitting him full force and he feels his panic levels rising.
"Is she… has she been.." His voice barely above a whisper. He can't even get himself to finish his sentence.
"Physically, she's doing okay considering-"
Harvey closes his eyes and lets out the breath he'd been holding in fear of the officer's answer. She is alive. He knows he should focus on what the officer is saying but the words keep going around in his head. She's alive, she's doing okay, she's alive.
"Mr. Specter, as her emergency contact, Donna needs you here. Can you do that or do I need to call the next person listed as her emergency contact?"
"No no, I'm coming, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Harvey is already busy pulling a sweater over his head when the officer ends the call.
Dark blue sweatpants, a Harvard hoodie, running sneakers, a scarf, an overcoat and a pair of gloves. Not exactly his best look, Harvey snorts when he spots his own reflection in the glass door of her building. But at 3am in the morning when a police officer calls you out of your bed, it would do, he thinks to himself while running up the stairs.
It is on the 11th floor that a police officer at the landing grinds him to a halt. He looks above him and sees the 12th floor buzzing with people in uniforms, yellow tape being rolled and paramedics rummaging in their bags.
"Sir this is a crime scene, you can't enter." The police officer holds up his hand to reinforce his words.
"I was called by detective Smith. I'm the emergency contact of one of the residents here. Also I'm a lawyer." Harvey puffs out his chest a little to appear like the intimidating lawyer he is during the daytime. But without his armor, his immaculate suit, and in a pair of sweats it doesn't quite have the same effect and he knows it.
"SMITH"
A brunette's head appears one floor above. "Jones, stop shouting will ya. This building has had enough upheaval for one night."
"This lawyer says you called him?"
The brunette looks him up and down. "Mr. Specter?"
"The one and only"
Smith beckons him to come upstairs and Jones steps aside to let him through. Harvey takes two steps at the time and runs into Donna's apartment. It is a mess, a lot of items scattered over the floor but ignoring this, his eyes scan the space, looking for her. They find her sitting on a chair next to a cupboard. Wearing a checkered pyjama pants, a blue top and a long grey vest she appears okay. He can't see any physical damage from his position at 10 feet away.
He quickly closes the gap between them and expects her to run into his arms. Except she doesn't. She sits in the chair and stares ahead even though he is now standing right in front of her.
He kneels in front of her and squeezes her knee. "Donna it's me. How are you?"
When she doesn't even acknowledge his presence, he lifts his eyes to Smith who had followed him into the room.
"What happened to her, why won't she say anything?"
"She's had a traumatic experience. She's in shock."
"And you're just going to stand there? Why isn't a paramedic attending to her?" Harvey's voice iss getting louder with every word and he feels his anger rising.
He looks at Donna again but she still doesn't acknowledge his presence. It is almost too much to bear. This woman has been by his side for 13 years. And in those years she has been many things. His secretary, his one time lover, his friend, his COO and in all those forms he has never seen her like this. It scares the shit out of him.
"Mr. Specter, a paramedic has seen her briefly but as she doesn't seem to have any physical injuries, there were more urgent matters for them to attend to."
"You think this isn't urgent? Look at her!" His anger doesn't quite disguise the emotions in his voice and he has to swallow away the lump that starts to form in his throat. "What the hell happened?"
He grabs Donna's hand and squeezes it. "I'm here Donna. I'm here."
Behind him detective Smith answers his question.
"It appears that a schizophrenic resident lost his mind and projected his paranoia onto his neighbours. He held several residents at gunpoint and in the commotion that followed one person was shot. I've understood that he forced Donna in here with a gun to her head but Mr. Specter all this JUST happened. We're still trying to piece the full puzzle together. Which is not easy with a building full of panicked residents and one main witness that isn't speaking and one witness that is dead."
"He just shot her." It is a barely audible whisper but Harvey's eyes immediately fill with tears upon hearing her voice.
"He just shot her." Donna repeats while still staring ahead. She is talking but still seems lost in a daze. Not really present.
Harvey grabs her hands and squeezes them again. "Donna" With no response he squeezes a little harder. "Donna, look at me. Look at me."
Very slowly her focus seems to shift a bit so he gently uses his finger to pull her chin in his direction. It is then that he manages to lock eyes with her.
He stares into those beautiful hazel eyes like he has a million times in the past decade but all he can see is fear and it breaks his heart. It was right here, in this apartment, where he had promised her not all that long ago that she would never have to feel scared again. And he has failed, he failed miserably.
She doesn't break contact and upon seeing his brown eyes brimming with tears she whispers, "Harvey"
"Yes Donna, I'm here, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." he whispers back.
She leans forward until their foreheads touch and Harvey sees it as his cue to gently wrap his arms around her and pull her in.
Behind them Smith cleared her throat. "We need to get her statement."
"Like hell you do." Harvey's eyes are spewing anger now. "I'm taking her with me. She needs a proper examination. She's holding her wrist at a funny angle and mentally she is far from okay. A doctor will determine if she's fit to give a statement."
"Fine, then we expect her at the bureau tomorrow morning to give a statement. And what exactly is your relationship to Miss Paulsen?" The pencil is hovering over the detectives notepad, ready to write his answer down.
Harvey opens his mouth to speak but pauses because how can he describe to this detective what the woman in his arms means to him.
"She's my…, we're close friends." Harvey switches to his professional mode to get this woman to back off. "She's my COO and I'm her lawyer. Like I said, you'll get her statement when she's ready and not without my presence."
"Here's my card Mr. Specter, I'd like you to get in touch with us as soon as Donna seems up for it. I'd like yours too since you seem to represent her now."
Harvey pulls out his wallet and exchanges cards with the detective, all the while still holding Donna. This seems to satisfy her for now and she shuffles away to the other side of the room.
He returns his focus to the woman in his arms. He gently pulls back and says "I'm going to grab a few of your things and then we'll get out of here. I'm just going to your bedroom, I'll be right back."
Donna nods so he gets up but before he can set one foot towards the bedroom, the detective iss at his side again.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm taking her home with me, she needs some stuff."
"Mr. Specter, I'm sure I won't have to tell you that this is a crime scene. Items can't be moved."
"And I'm sure I won't have to tell you that you didn't tape up that room so it is not part of your investigation and I'm going in there."
Harvey shakes his head and closes the door behind him. He is just about ready to throw that detective out of the window. He opens Donna's closet and grabs a holdall from the top shelf.
Her closet seems to be filled with the designer dresses that she wears to work. As much as he loves seeing her in those, it isn't the attire he hoped to pack.
He notices the dressoir and opens a drawer in there. This seems to be the casual section so he grabs some sweaters, tops and jeans and throws it in the holdall. He finds some pyjamas and socks too and upon pulling out another drawer he comes across her underwear. It feels like he is invading her privacy and just the thought of touching it gets his pulse racing. He notices some lace in there and… oh god. He just scoops up a handful without looking and quickly throws it in the bag.
After a quick round in the bathroom he seems to have the bare essentials to tie her over for a few days at this place. He returns to Donna with the holdall over his shoulder and reaches out his hand to her. "You're staying with me, let's get away from here."
She grabs his hand and Harvey quickly grabs a coat and some sneakers at the door before leading her away from it all.