A Future (Gaara's Inner Thoughts)
CW / mentions suicidal ideas, general Gaara trauma.
Takes place after Konoha Crush. A little cynical I guess? It was just an interesting thought I had.
Naruto had given Gaara quite the shock.
It was like being half asleep and jolted awake when you realize you've put your hand too close to the hot stove. Except in a more extreme state of half asleep, and your fucking forehead instead of a hand. With the burning pain came clarity, and in that clarity and the sheer shock of the moment, Gaara had absorbed Naruto's words. And almost unwillingly, Gaara's mind had envisioned a future.
This was not a part of the plan. Not that Gaara had a clear plan. But for all of Gaara's "I will not cease to exist" talk, his mindset had already assumed that he would, in fact, cease to exist. Normal people think in the positive, "I will keep living," or even neutral-positive, "I will remain alive." Gaara theorized that his father's assassination attempts were half-hearted- it would have been so much easier to force-feed him a bottle of Kankuro's puppet poison after a Shukaku episode. Gaara himself had this thought every once in a while, but always decided against it. It was never quite the right time to cease to exist. But he was sure it would happen one day. He was fighting a losing battle. When he tried to imagine himself having a fourteenth birthday, his mind blanked. He was not kind enough to invite anyone, not even himself.
After the whole Konoha thing, it was true that Gaara showed signs of hope. He treated Temari and Kankuro better. He remembered how they came back for him, and how gently Temari dressed his wounds. He remembered that she had tried to dress his shoulder wound before the fight with Naruto. He remembered how Temari and Kankuro would gloat about how strong "our Gaara" was. Gaara always thought they were bragging about having a high quality weapon. That night it occurred to him that perhaps they might also be bragging about having such a skilled teammate... and brother. They were always talking about "listen to your big brother" this, and "as a favor to your sister" that. Gaara felt a twisted terribleness when he realized. Temari and Kankuro had been the only ones decent to him. Maybe they even loved him, this whole time. Then everything he'd done would really be unforgivable. So Gaara tried his best to change, for them.
But now, a few months after it all, Gaara suddenly felt empty. His mind was somehow stable enough to know that this was what he wanted, but now he felt lost. He had been under the stress of wanting this family for so long, yet he also never planned on living this long. His brain couldn't process it. The guilt. The clarity. The sudden pressure of having a purpose. He'd stare blankly for hours, as Temari and Kankuro looked nervously, terrified of a relapse.
Then one day, Gaara walked to his father's grave in a daze, his mind racing yet also painfully empty. He looked at the carving on the tombstone. Kazekage. It reminded him of Naruto's yelling about being Hokage. Except the Kazekage title was cursed. Gaara smiled, and it was decided. He'd do it for the village, so no one else would die. For Temari and Kankuro. This was his new future.