It was late. Later than she normally stayed. But she had no way to tell. The commander's office lacked any form of unnecessary decoration, including clocks. The only possible way to know the time of day, Ritsuko's own internal clock, had been sidetracked to the point where it was no longer accurate.
"You can get off now." The words didn't register. She was too tired and dehydrated to comprehend what he had said. Not to mention, cold. The air in this particular room always felt icy compared to the rest of the compound. Maybe that was just because it was against her nude skin.
Gendo had to push up on her hips to remind her. "Oh, sorry." He gave no reply to indicate that he had even heard her as she raised herself off of his lap. Her body grew even colder as she set her feet down on the hard floor.
She dressed herself, picking each item from her outfit up. First she slid on the pantyhose, as gracefully as one could expect given her state. Then her skirt, followed by her top. She looped her belt around her waist, not caring enough to fasten it.
The man only spoke once more, after she had readjusted her coat and slipped on one of her heels. "Don't forget your pill." She winced. Ritsuko had grown to hate having sex with the man she was previously attracted to. She hated his appearance, his inability to show affection, his nature of sitting still as she was expected to pleasure him…
But above all, she hated the reminder. It was as if he thought she was stupid. He had been using her for years, and somehow, he still felt the need to prompt her to take her birth control. As if I'd want a child of yours inside me, you stupid, selfish, disgusting…
"I won't." The reply came autonomically, without thinking. She had been conditioned to say the line, as if reciting a script in a play, at the end of every one of their sessions. I won't. I won't. I won't. There was never any variation, any human element, any realness to their dialogue. It was always the same. Objective and efficient. Not to mention, incredibly painful.
Ritsuko was silent as she left the office and traveled down the corridor. Maya was just in front of her, stepping onto the elevator. As the lieutenant turned around, she saw the blonde scientist walking to the shaft, and so she pressed the 'door open' button.
Her smile was as bright as ever. Almost warm enough to melt the ice Ritsuko felt around her body. But not quite. "Hey, doctor! How are you?" She tried to match the energy of the young girl as best she could. "Just fine. Looking forward to going home, Maya?"
Most could have trouble with such an explicit lie. She was terrible, her femininity having been exploited for the third time that week by Gendo. But she was an absolute master of hiding her mood. Maya couldn't see through the façade. Not that she wanted to.
"Sure am! I feel like I could sleep through a full day. I never expected an angel like thatto get so close to the geofront!" "You did very well, adapting to the circumstances." "Thanks, Doc! I was really nervous. Could you tell?" Everyone in ops could tell. She grinned. "Not at all!"
The elevator stopped at the floor most personnel would exit on. "Well, this is my stop. Have a good night!" Maya continued to wave as the doors shut again. Ritsuko only had another level to go up, before she reached her stop.
Restrooms lining the upper floors were always quiet. As far as she could tell, there was no real reason for them to exist, given the personnel distribution. Knowing NERV as she did, the installation of the facilities was probably just to deplete a surplus in the construction budget.
She wasn't sure why she had started going up to them in the first place. Maybe it was a ritual she adopted; some way of getting closure after a meaningless sexual encounter with the commander. It wasn't like he provided her any.
Entering the room, Ritsuko found it empty, just as she anticipated. Something else unique about the location was that the mirror was a single panel, rather than three stitched together like the main restrooms surrounding ops. It created more immersion when she stared at herself.
And she stared quite a bit. Sometimes, when she looked, she'd see different women gazing back at her. They all resembled her, but had minor variations. One's chin would stick out too much, and another's nose would be too small. Some could even have darker or lighter hair, that was cropped shorter or longer.
That day, she saw herself. It was the version she most disliked. She blinked, watching her reflection mimic her in real time. Is that me? She pinched herself, and winced. The person in the mirror did the same. It must be me. She spit in the sink, then turned the water on to wash it away. It followed her.
Why am I so ugly? The question rang out in her head, as if someone other than herself had asked it. Why am I so old? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so dull? Why am I so featureless? The same mantra that always repeated after she was used by Gendo manifested itself.
Ritsuko shut the words out by pulling the bottle from her coat pocket. The pink pills she was so familiar with stared at her. She found it strange that the commander provided them in a prescription bottle, and yet there was no label of the drug inside, nor the individual it was written for.
I suppose there could be anything in these. She had no way of being sure, unless she was to run a biochemical analysis on them. And if she was caught using NERV hardware for something like that, she'd be stripped of her rank and chastised before she even saw the results.
So, she settled for ignorance. She popped one of the pills into her mouth, before turning on the sink, bending down, and cupping water with her hands to swallow. Then she returned to staring at her reflection, tossing the bottle back into her lab coat.
The need to berate herself with ugly questions seemed to disappear after she had swallowed the birth control. She was too distracted by a fresh sensation of nausea. It always happened at one point or another, though usually a good deal after Ritsuko had taken the medication.
It could've only just hit her stomach, so why did she feel so sick? Is it anxiety? Is my mind scapegoating it on the pill? Her theory crafting was cut short as she lurched forward, her belly aching like she had been stabbed.
Instinctually, she moved to the stalls, getting down on her knees in front of a toilet. She just wanted to go home; to disappear, and let the weekend recharge her sanity. But she was trapped by her own body, scared to move away because she knew she was going to vomit.
I hate you, Gendo. I hate you, Gendo! I HATE you, Gendo! I HATE YOU… The pain only got worse as she recalled what they had done in the previous hour. How could I let that man have his way with me? It was probably the thousandth time she had asked herself that.
Like always, she had only one real answer. It used to be the belief that he loved her. But that idea had faded so long ago. Ritsuko had since replaced it with a cynical explanation, fueled by crippling self-doubt. I'm weak. That's what it is. I'm weak. I let him.
She wretched. Then, again. Finally, she held herself over the toilet as she vomited. It was almost all rancid liquid. The last time she had eaten solid food was early that morning. She looked at the contents of the toilet bowl, before getting sick again.
When the process had ended, she was shaking. It felt like the muscles in her arms had seized supporting her weight over the toilet. She could barely stand up. The rattle in her coat pocket as she moved reminded her of something. Oh, that's right. I puked this one up, so I need another.
Calorie deficient and dehydrated, Ritsuko reached for the stall lock. No matter how sick she felt, she was determined to take another pill and keep it down. She readied the bottle, swinging the door in and moving back to the sink…
Until she saw someone else in the bathroom. Misato Katsuragi blinked at her, a concerned look on her face. "Ritsuko! I could hear you retching from the hallway! Are you okay?" The blonde could only meet her eyes, mouth agape.
"Rits?" She wanted to speak, but her head spun. She wasn't okay. And she didn't see a way to fabricate a lie that would convince Misato she was. She moved towards her, trying to step around her and get to the sink. I just need to take the pill, I just need to take the pill…
"Hey! What are you doing?" Too discombobulated to speak, she turned on the tap, slipping another one of the pink capsules into her mouth and drinking water straight from the faucet like a dog. "Ritsuko! What the hell?"
Misato had put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at her, and was met with worried eyes. The operations officer didn't know what to say. What happened to her? What the hell was that medication?
Ritsuko grabbed her wrist with a shaky arm, removing her grip. "I-I gotta go, Misato." They exchanged one last glance before she walked away, slowly pacing out of the restroom and back to the elevator. The other woman could only stand there, guessing what had happened.