Characters:
Mr Birling
Mrs Birling
Sheila
Crackbeard
The Elephant Man
The Leviathan
Ryan Reynolds
Anubis
Ra the Sun God
I hope you enjoy, also if anyone knows anyone in the west end who could get this play on the stage please hmu :) !!
Act 1: The Boardroom
Stage Directions: ~the teams enter~ The boardroom was hot. The inspectors eyes were all over the place like nipples in a botched boob job. On team 1 there was Mr. Birling, The Primordial Serpent Leviathan and Ra the sun god. On team 2 was Sheila, Crackbeard and The Elephant Man. Anubis and Mrs Birling sat on both sides of the inspector.
Inspector Goole: Right teams, I'm sure you're wondering why I've brought you here but first why don't we all get to know each other. Let's start with you Mr Birling?
Mr Birling: Right right. My name is Authur and I want big Boris to throw Brexit on these hoes.
Ra: My name is Ra and I am the god of the sun. I am born in the morning and die in the evening, I am the sun which the moon is chasing.
Sheila: My name is Sheila. I love Inspector Goole and I want to lick his boots clean!
Inspector: Save that for outside the boardroom Sheila ;)
Sheila: I'm sorry Inspector, you're working really hard, in fact you probably work harder than my mum who barely works at all. She's why we're on low income
Mrs Birling: Sheila! I do everything I can to support you after the divorce!
Sheila: Fuck off mum. Get me some new earrings and not that shit bollox you bought me last time, I haven't even worn them once
Mrs Birling: Yeah anything 4 u my little angel
Crackbeard: Arrr me crippling addiction is tearing me apar-arrrrrrrrrr-t
Leviathan: I used to work at the carpet shop, so I can get us all a discount. Also if my 9 heads are cut off it will spell the rapture meaning the end of this planet
Stage directions: The elephant man struggles to speak
Inspector Goole: Right teams, I need you to find the golden pussy, like the helmet of invisibility or the holy grail it's a long lost mythical item that holds great power, and since I haven't had sex in a very long time I would like my dry spell to be ended by that. When I get it I will let everyone have a go because I am a fucking communist
Mr Birling: Piece of cake, you've seen my team? We are like the twin towers, absolutely indestructible
Inspector Goole: Listen Birling. I'm looking for bankers, not wankers. Also, what happened to all the spoons?!?
Crackbeard: Arr sorry about that, I'll give 'em back arr
Inspector: Preferably free of your black tar heroin, Crackbeard
Crackbeard: I'm gonna do the world's biggest heroin injection up me arrrrrrrrrse!
Mr Birling: Yeah speaking of smack, has anyone got any coke. I really need to fit in with my middle class friends. They're all doing it and I feel left out :(
Mrs Birling: This is why I divorced you, you are not a real man. Real men can hold their liquor and have no septums so they can snort the coke better
Mr Birling: Yeah, I am a lightweight. You are probably so good at it because you drank so heavily during pregnancy. That did come at a cost, our kids are rate spak 'eds
Anubis: Alright. We've heard enough from the middle class. Let me explain the stakes to you chode chasers. Mr Goole shall eviscerate the vulvas you bring to us. If it is in fact the golden pussy, when I weigh his testicles they should be lighter than a feather and visa versa if you fail to procure the golden gash.
Sheila: And what if we don't??
Anubis: Did I give your miniature sized mammaries permission to interrupt me? Let the wildest stretches of your imagination dream up how I shall punish you clunge plunderers
Ra: This is gonna be the straw that breaks the alpha males penis
Inspector: Listen Ra. If I know the words to salil al sawarim but it doesn't make me isis. Anyway teams, you have 24 hours to find the golden pussy, you fat nobheds
Stage directions: Anubis, Mrs Birling and the Inspector leave, the teams begin to chat amongst each other.
Crackbeard: Arr me hearties, if there's one thing I love more than drugs, it's gold! And you know where to find gold ey?
Sheila: Uhh, engagement ring?
Crackbeard: That's a fine ring missy, but think more gold, even comin outer peoples arses! El Dorado! The city of gold lost to time, I found it on me travels. I couldn't explore it as I went back to the crack den after I got outta prison, but I'm sure i'll know how to get to it arr
Stage directions: Sheila and The Elephant man leave the boardroom
Crackbeard: Could yar gimme a hand? I've got two peg legs after me legs got taken into Davy Jones' locker. I've mastered the sea but krokodyl isn't kind, me hearty!
Mr Birling: Right guys, I think I've got an idea. We can just use the a girl at my factory, they always let me plough them I'm sure they would do me a favour, there's one called Eva Smith who is a right know it all, maybe I can get her to suckle on the inspectors willy, then maybe she'll leave me alone
Ra: You do realise I am Ra, god of the sun. I could use my power to procure anything you desire
Mr Birling: Shut it you pigeon prick. You bloody sphere shagger, what's so great about the sun 'ey? Aren't you the guy who watches beetles roll in shit?
Ra: Harsh words but it is true. I like scat so much I created the dung beetle to produce scat porn for me 24/7, now I have erectile dysfunction from plucking my pigeon too hard
Mr Birling: Look guys, let's just get her I couldn't give a fuck
Leviathan: Yeah I don't really care, I kind of want this to end so then I can go home and file my tax returns since my marriage is on the rocks. I need to put something back into the relationship
Mr Birling: I just got divorced recently because the relationship wasn't satisfying and my wife caught me offering money to rent boys. I understand your worries Leviathan, even primordial deities have a life outside torturing Christians
Stage directions: They all leave the boardroom