Pottsylvania.
A desolate 3rd world Eastern European country where everyone is apparently a spy.
There are many sorts of jobs that come with living in this country, but the best job, to the locals, is getting to work for Central Control, under the Pottsylvanian leader, Fearless J. Leader.
That literally was his name, by the way--it was on his birth certificate and everything.
One such man, a short, pasty-white dude by the name of Boris was currently being interviewed by Fearless Leader for a spy job, on account of how his mother wanted him to get out into the world and "make sometink" of himself.
"BORISOVICH J. BADENOV..." Fearless Leader spoke, reading through a manila-colored file. "BORN FRIDAY JULY 13TH, CURRENT AGE 31 YEARS OLD, SON OF TATIANA AND SERGEI BADENOV, TOP OF HEES CLASS, DROPPED OUT AT AGE TEN...REQUIREMENTS FOR JOININK CENTRAL CONTROL—ONCE STOLE TANK, ONCE ROBBED TRAIN USINK ONLY PLESTIC STRAW...Vait...SET FIRE TO AMERICAN EMBASSY EEN SOUTH POTTSYLVANIA?! DAT'S VUNDERBART! Surely you must join, Badenov—you'll make fine addition to de company..."
"Do ju REALLY mean eet, bossman?" Boris exclaimed, giddily rushing over to kiss Fearless Leader's boots.
"Of course, ju start now!" Fearless Leader started walking off, Boris followed. "Come vith me, I show you your new partner..."
Fearless Leader then opened up an elevator shaft. He and Boris got inside and started going down, deeper and deeper into the building until they stopped at the very bottom.
"You vill be partnered up vis our greatest spy in the business.." Fearless Leader spoke as he led Boris over to central control's gymnasium. "But you must be very careful, Badenov. She ees very ruthless, very deadly, und very no-nonsense..."
Fearless Leader opened the door to the gymnasium and led him pst the rows of completely ripped Eastern-European men working out, lifting enormous weights above their heads like it was nothing. Boris became excited, convinced that his new partner would be one of these guys. Then, Fearless Leader stopped in front of a boxing ring, where an enormous, ripped, muscular man was fighting...a tall, pale woman?
"Thees, ees your new partner." Fearless Leader spoke. "Natalya J. Fatale...around here people just call her Natasha. She's around 32, parents were Tanya and Ivan Fatale."
"BAHAHAAAA!" The larger man in the ring exclaimed. "YOOOU DO NOT STAND EH CHANCE AGAINST ME, KROSHECHNYY VOMAHN!"
But Natasha gave a kick to his groin, slid underneath that man's legs, quickly climbed up his sweaty, muscular back, and shoved him to the ground with nothing but her feet in a supplex. Then she socked him in the face multiple times, grabbed him by the neck and placed him into a half-Nelson.
"Ju vanna bet, "tupitsa"?" Natasha replied, laughing.
"VONE, TWO, TREE!" A little man—the referee shouted before dinging a bell. "DA VINNER, FOR 98TH CONSECUTIVE TIME IN ROW!!" He held Natasha's arm up high.
Boris was stunned by this woman.
There were not many female agents at central control, especially ones that could easily take down a man five times their size.
("Could it be I'm falling in love?" Instrumental)
He watched her as she started to walk back to the showers, noticing the way her backside looked in those black shorts, her gorgeous chalk-white skin radiating like a spirit, the way little strands of her jet black hair were now sticking out, the way her curvy legs walked, the way the beads of sweat would gather around certain parts of her body.
Then, it happened.
Natasha removed her sweaty, white exercise blouse, and shoved it into the laundry basket. All that could be seen, that of which used to be hidden—was her deliciously cut abdomen, her thin waist, those strong, yet slender arms, and her chest, her amazing chest being lovingly supported by a purple sports bra.
"...HUMINAHUMINAHUMINAHUMINAHUMINA—" was all Boris could say at the moment, his white face getting very red.
"Um, can I help ju?" Natasha asked.
(Record scratch)
"I—" Boris started.
"Fatale, dees ees your new partner, Boris Badenov." Fearless Leader explained. "Ju and him must go to America, where I vill geeve ju next assignment."
"-Y-yeah.." Boris replied, feeling very flustered. "Eef you're not busy, maybe ve could, ve could have some fun together?"
Natasha then grabbed Boris by the hand, then flipped him onto the ground (which, unbeknownst to her, seriously turned the little man on).
"Are ju certain that ju can handle dees mission?" Natasha asked, choking Boris. "Ju seem to be a newbie..."
"Of course!" Boris replied. "I've passed all my trainink! I yam top of class! Ju look really pretty, by de vay..."
Natasha smirked, then thought a moment.
Maybe this could work out?
She took Boris' hand.
"Sure." Natasha replied. "I come vith ju."
Once they arrived in a small town in middle America, their instructions were simple—to cause as much mayhem as possible.
("Happy Together" by Simple Plan plays)
"Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it's only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together"
Boris and Natasha did absolutely everything on their epic rampage through the city, they drew graffiti on the side of buildings, they placed eels in peoples bathtubs, they exploded buildings, they littered, they broke parking meters, they even smashed mailboxes!
"If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind"
Boris and Natasha sat next to each other at a small restaurant. As soon as a plate of spaghetti arrived, they both started eating, until they didn't notice they happened to be eating from the same strand...leading to the inevitable kiss.
But that strand also had a bomb connected to it, and they threw the bomb at the restaurant before running off.
"Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together"
"DEES EES STEEKUP!" Boris hollered.
"Put de money een bag...and don't even SINK about pressink button for da cops..." Natasha replied, slamming a money bag on the counter as the bank teller filled it up, terrified. "Ve have TANK outside."
"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life"
In the middle of a park, Boris got down on one knee, handing Natasha a ring. She gasped, and soon a crowd of people gathered around.
But Boris also revealed said ring was attached to a grenade, and so he launched it directly into a fountain, he and Natasha jumped at the top and shot into the air with a stream of water.
"When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life"
Yes sir, this was possibly the greatest rampage Boris and Natasha had ever done, and it was about to end in an epic way as well..
"Oh, Natasha.." Boris sighed. "There's no place I'd rather be den vith ju..."
Boris and Natasha were currently riding atop a massive torpedo over the small city, both saying sweet nothings at 15,000 feet.
"Ditto, dollink." Natasha replied, moving in to Boris and wrapping her arms and legs around his body. "Ju are my partner, yes, but ju are also my...life partner.."
"Oh, just sharrup you mouth...and...Kees me.." Boris placed a hand under Natasha's slim chin, then the two began to passionately make out.
"Ohhhh...mmmh...dollink...I...I...love ju so much—"
"Yes, yes...mmh..mmh...ohhhhh...I love ju...I love ju..."
"Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together"
"MEN!" A sergeant of the National Guard exclaimed, having noticed B and N's rampage/date night. He continued to look through his pair of binoculars. "THERE APPEARS TO BE AN UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT HEADED RIGHT TOWARDS US, THAT APPEARS TO BE EXPLOSIVE AS WELL..."
"Say, uh, sir?" A member of the National Guard asked his superior. "What're those people doing up there on the bomb?"
At that exact moment, a black, strapless bra with lace and an embroidered "N", size 34-C, landed right on the sergeant's binoculars.
"Does THAT answer your question, private?!" The sergeant responded, removing the bra from his view.
"Yea, but why are you still watching them?"
"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue
For all my life
About my life (yeah!)"
(*KABOOMSKY!*)
After that epic villainy session, Boris and Natasha stopped in a nearby field overlooking the city, watching as it festered in the setting sun.
"Dat vas..." Boris breathed heavily, passing out on the ground.
"Vonderful?" Natasha replied. "Amazink? All of de above? A-HA! Boris, dollink, ju ver so great out dere!"
"Not as great as ju, Natasha, honeybun..." Boris replied.
Boris and Natasha were about to share another wet one when Fearless Leader started calling them on Boris' video watch.
"Callink Boris Badenov, great job on de rampage, but dere are more missions to come—de next mission for you and Natasha, is to keel moose and squirrel!" FL spoke.
"Vat?!" Natasha responded. "Ve have to keel park animals?"
"Not just any park animals.." Fearless Leader spoke. "Dees particular animals have managed to create a rocket fuel vith...cake mix, of all tings, and all de top scientists vant it, and more importantly, I VANT EET! NOW GO!"
Boris and Natasha obliged and headed for Frostbite Falls, MN, because killing a moose and a squirrel?
Honestly, how hard could it be?
End.
--
Music:
- Could it be I'm falling in love?
(The Spinners)
⁃Happy Together
(Simple Plan, originally by The Turtles)
A/N:
Russian-English translation
"Kroshechnyy"=tiny
"Tupitsa"=meathead