Summary: "Just one night, no fear, no shame, no blame or rage. Just serenity. Just us. Just one night to acknowledge that there is more here and then we go our separate ways and you go back to being angry and hating me."
*missing scene* set between First Class and Days of Future Past
Note: I don't usually write smut. It's been years since I have, but I was listening to Mel Tormé and this one really just started writing itself.
Charles sat on the windowsill in the study, staring out into the night as the rain came down in sheets. It felt a bit more dramatic than he cared to be to liken it to how he felt inside, but the analogy was apt.
God, I've become morbid, he thought, draining his glass of brandy.
All things considered, he had the right to be.
He stood up and walked away from the scene. His legs still felt strange, as did his telepathy which had been shorting in and out like a spent socket. Hank wasn't sure why his serum was interacting with Charles' powers instead of just temporarily healing his broken back. It was still in its inaugural stages and the young scientist was loath to use it on him in the first place, but he didn't give him much choice in that regard.
He thought having his legs back would make him feel better, but it only helped marginally. It was just a fraction of what he lost in Cuba. Raven was still gone. And Erik was too.
And good riddance to him, he thought uncharitably.
Charles was regretting more and more ever jumping into the ocean that night. He had thought the man needed help. He was so consumed with vengeance that he would have let himself die, but it was anger borne of love, a deep abiding familial love which he had lost and Charles could not help but sympathize. He strayed too close to the fire as a result. He had been a naïve idiot playing with things he didn't understand.
Beyond that, he allowed himself to get too comfortable around the older man, allowed him to see past the image of Charles Xavier that he portrayed to everyone. He let himself trust Erik deeply and unquestioningly for reasons he couldn't name. Erik had confused him about so many things which Charles had always been so certain of. No one had ever pushed him so far out of his comfort zone. No one had ever caused him to wonder just who he truly was and what he really wanted the way Erik did. It had seemed enticing at the time, dangerous but in a welcome sort of way. Now he could see what a fool he was to get drawn in like that.
He had read Erik's mind, he knew all about his past. He should've seen from the string of people left behind what was likely to happen to him. Erik's wife, his lovers, his friends, even his daughter, all left broken, shattered, or dead. Collateral damage in Erik's pursuits. Why did Charles think he would be any different?
It had seemed different though. The way Erik looked at him, the way he made Charles feel sometimes.
But no. That especially was the height of sheer stupidity. He disavowed those feelings a long time ago. He made promises that he would not be that person. He hadn't had those inclinations in almost a decade and then Erik breezed in and ruined everything, took Raven from him and then disappeared right back out of his life like he was never there. Except he was stuck dealing with the aftershocks of Erik, natural disaster that he was. It was much harder in practice to pretend he had never met him.
Charles jumped as he heard music coming from downstairs. No one else was meant to be in the house. He tried to stretch out his telepathy to see who it was, but it snapped back inside of him stubbornly. He sighed before moving to investigate. As he got closer, the lyrics became more obvious to him.
…Comin' home baby, now
I'm sorry now I ever went away
Every night and day I'm gon' stay
I'm comin' home baby
Comin' home baby now
(You know I'm waitin' here for you)
I'm comin' home now real soon
(You've been gone)
Comin' home baby now
(You don't know what I'm goin' through)
I'm comin' home I know I'm overdue
That was a record he had gotten Raven just the year before when she suddenly took an interest in jazz. It certainly wasn't the kind of music any of the boys would throw on. But why would she come back now? She hadn't visited him in the hospital nor when he got home. It was Hank, Sean and Alex that was there. Moira too before he sent her away. He felt a stab of guilt hit him again about that. She had only wanted to help him. She was the one who pointed out that he and Erik were probably…
No, best not to think of that.
The music was coming from the dining room, Mel Tormé's vinyl spinning away on the record player. There were two place settings at the table and a pan of deliciously steaming seasoned and roasted meat between the two plates. Raven was an even sorrier cook than Charles was. She certainly wasn't coming back to make… brisket? Yes, that's what it was along with some kind of dumpling soup and what looked and smelled like potato pancakes.
Kreplach and latkes, his mind supplied, remembering when Erik made them stop at a Jewish delicatessen during their time on the road.
Surely not.
That thought was banished as Erik appeared from around the corner where the kitchen was. He was wearing a turtleneck and brown leather jacket along with tightfitting pants. He would look like almost no time had passed since Cuba, except he was wearing that bloody helmet.
He casually leaned against the entrance between the kitchen and dining room as if his presence was supposed to be expected, ignoring the way Charles was gaping at him. He didn't say anything and there was a long moment of silence before he shook from his shock enough for anger to bleed in.
"You had better be a dream."
"Dream of me often, do you?"
"In nightmares? Frequently."
"That's hurtful."
"No more than a bullet to the spine, I assure you."
"You don't seem to be suffering the ill effects as much as I remember."
"No thanks to you. What the hell do you think you're doing here?"
Erik shrugged lightly.
"Making dinner."
"What are you doing here? In my house? You're not welcome," Charles spat, giving him a venomous glare.
"You once said you wanted your home to feel as if it were mine."
"That was before you put a bullet in my back."
"MacTaggart—"
"Don't you dare."
"She fired that bullet at me."
"She fired a bullet at a man who can control metal. She wasn't trying to hurt you. She wouldn't have fired at all if you just listened to me."
"Listen to you plead for the lives of men who were going to kill us? Human men who feared us because we're different from them?"
"Oh, you care so much for politics now? You left me stranded and paralyzed on a beach in Cuba with two hostile superpowers only feet away after you threatened to blow them all to high hell. What do you think could've happened to us? If it weren't for Moira, we'd likely be in a prison cell or dead."
"You're a telepath. You could've made them do anything."
"On top of the bullet you put in my back, you also shoved a coin through my skull. I wasn't exactly in tiptop shape," he shot back with a sarcastic bite.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb."
Erik looked to be wracking his brain before something clicked.
"Shaw? But that was—"
"That was me in his head, holding him still, dealing with his pleading and begging for his life. I can't honestly say I regret him dying, but I never wanted to all but die alongside him. You didn't give me a choice."
"You could've let him go."
"He would've killed you. I know a part of you wanted that, bloody masochist that you are, but some of us cared enough not to let that happen. Though I couldn't tell you why. Fat lot of good that did me."
Erik's face did a series of complicated things before he spoke.
"That coin was meant for him."
"He felt it, don't worry. I suppose that's all that mattered to you in the end. Getting Shaw back for what he did, not giving a damn who you were hurting in the process."
Charles could feel something else bleeding in past the anger, a more sorrowful emotion that had his eyes burning. He stubbornly would not allow Erik to see him broken. The other man stared at him unflinchingly, not saying anything, just studying Charles with a piercing gaze that made his skin crawl.
"What are you doing here," he asked again.
Erik opened his mouth to reply before shutting it again. His brows appeared to furrow in deep contemplation, though it was hard to tell past the helmet. Then that wasn't a problem anymore. Charles watched him rest the gaudy metal contraption on the table next to him. He heard the buzzing of his mind, thoughts flitting past him rapidly. To his irritation, they were clearer than anything else he had heard since he started taking Hank's proto-serum.
"You tell me," he challenged.
"You don't get to have my telepathy at your beck and call when it's convenient for you and then shut it out when you've decided I've outlasted my usefulness. I'm not Emma Frost. I'm not doing your dirty work for you. If you have something to say, say it or get out."
A hint of frustration crossed Erik's face before he took a deep breath.
"Are you hungry?"
"What?"
"Have you eaten? You look like you've been skipping meals."
"What does that have to do with—"
"Have dinner with me, Charles. No strings, no favors. I'm not here to use you. I don't want anything from you. Just dinner."
Charles opened his mouth to deny him, but Erik continued.
"Please."
He paused, weighing his options. He wanted to say no. Everything in him was telling him to reject him outright. Getting sucked back into Erik's orbit was unwise and would probably leave him broken and alone again. Still, his heart had been pounding in his chest since he saw him and a part of him was thrumming with excitement, though he couldn't say why.
"I need to take a shower," he found himself saying.
Erik rose an eyebrow and then shrugged lightly.
"I can wait. I'll keep the food warm."
Charles nodded slowly in reply.
"Get the wine while I'm gone. I need it," he all but ordered.
"Should you be drinking, given your—"
"Don't push it," he retorted before stalking away and back up the stairs.
He heaved a sigh once he was in the safety of the bathroom and dropped down on the toilet, head in hands. What the hell was he doing? He should've just told Erik to leave. He could still make him leave. He could stay locked in this bathroom and eventually the other man would take the hint. Or, more likely, he'd come upstairs and remove the door from its hinges. He wasn't wearing the helmet and his mind felt easy to grasp, Charles could send him away.
But did he want to?
Yes. But also no.
Bloody hell, why does he always make everything so difficult, he lamented, running a hand through his hair.
He still didn't know what Erik wanted, not really. They hadn't seen each other in a year. He doubted he was just here to have dinner. He said he didn't want anything from him, but Charles didn't believe anything out of Erik's mouth anymore. He was curious though. He had seen things on broadcast, strange reports, and knew who the culprit was. Plus, Raven was with him and Charles had no news of her since she left. Erik could tell him what was going on, what he was planning, how Raven was doing.
He nodded his head with resolve, not bothering to acknowledge that he was grasping for a reason to let Erik stay as he moved to turn the pipes on so he could shower. He would feel better after that, once he was clean and mentally prepared to spar.
He showered quickly, not rushing but not taking his time either. He fussed over what to wear longer than he intended before reminding himself that this was his home and Erik showed up unannounced. He threw on what he was comfortable wearing, a button-up, cardigan and trousers, clothes Raven would've said made him look older than he was. He decided to forego the undershirt, not for any particular reason though.
When he went downstairs to the dining room, Erik was standing by the window with a glass of wine in his hand. He was a striking figure, always had been, something that bothered Charles to no end. He wasn't always sure why, not until Moira told him and then he couldn't unknow it. He had removed his jacket and now was just wearing his turtleneck with the sleeves pushed up, revealing his slender yet toned forearms. His finger was tapping against the perspiring glass to the rhythm of the song playing.
You have set my soul on fire
Only you can satisfy this great desire
One time let the wine of love flow free
One time be the lover you can be
Right now come and give yourself to me
The song ended with a calamitous noise that reminded Charles of the bang of a gun before the record started playing dead air. He cleared his throat to get Erik's attention. He turned to look at him and stopped for a moment, his eyes perusing him up and down. It made a flash of heat shoot through him which he quickly ignored.
"You look nice."
Charles rolled his eyes in response.
"Where's the wine?"
Erik motioned him towards the table. He made a beeline for the bottle as Erik waved a hand at the record player, restarting the vinyl from the beginning. "Comin' Home Baby" started playing again. Charles gave him an unimpressed look as he poured himself a glass.
"Is that meant to be a joke? That song?"
Erik shook his head.
"The title just caught my attention is all. Seemed appropriate."
The two men held each other's gaze for a moment before Erik waved a hand at his glass.
"You're about to overpour."
Charles stopped as the wine reached the rim. Whatever, he needed all of it. He took a healthy sip as he moved to sit down. The chair moved back on its own before he could do so. He shot Erik a look but accepted the gesture.
Erik moved around the table, placing small soup bowls in front of the two place settings before filling them halfway with the kreplach, a piece of challah on the side.
"When did you have time to cook all of this? You weren't trespassing for that long I hope," Charles inquired, digging into the food.
It was delicious, to his annoyance.
"I cooked most of it at my hotel room. I was here half an hour before you came down."
"Hotel room? Not the best accommodations for six. Or is it more now that you've been recruiting for your little army?"
"It's just me."
Charles raised a brow.
"Are your minions not satisfied with their fearless leader anymore," he questioned sardonically.
Erik didn't rise to the bait as he thought he would.
"There was a difference of opinion when it came to my current agenda," he replied calmly, sipping a spoonful of chicken broth.
"Well, that doesn't sound ominous at all."
"Nothing as bad as all that. I didn't come to talk shop though."
"You haven't told me why you came."
"I did."
"We haven't seen each other in a year and our last encounter was less than pleasant. I need more of an answer than dinner."
"That's all the answer I have to give you."
Charles let out a frustrated huff and resolutely went back to his soup, intent on ignoring Erik. That decision only lasted but a small stretch.
"How's Raven," he asked tentatively.
"She was fine the last time I saw her."
"Just fine?"
"She was driven, spirited, purposeful."
Charles pursed his lips in response. He wasn't entirely certain what he expected Erik to say. Maybe that she missed him, maybe that she wanted to come home. When he could, Charles would peruse the minds of strangers, wondering if they were really Raven. They never were.
"She's safe, Charles. You don't have to worry about her," Erik continued, taking his silence for concern.
"She's settling in better than I thought she would. She seems to have become taken with Azazel even."
"The red Russian man?"
"That'd be the one."
"He's got to be at least ten years older than her."
"She said you'd disapprove. I think that's what's enticing her even more. That and the fact that he also has a visible mutation."
"If she wanted to have a late teenage rebellion, she could've scheduled it better," he grumbled.
"She's not a teenager, she's her own woman. She couldn't always live in the shadows beneath your wings. How was she ever going to grow?"
Charles shot him a glare.
"She didn't want to leave until you came along."
"She did. She just never told you and you never wanted to admit it."
He knew he was right, but it was not what he wanted to hear.
"I'm ready for the rest. The sooner we eat it, the sooner this dinner is over and you can leave."
Erik's face didn't betray that Charles' words cut very deeply, he simply got up and moved towards the kitchen. Charles deflated once he was gone, his emotions warring with him as the jazz music continued to fill up the room.
Erik came back quickly and served them both pieces of sliced brisket and latkes. Charles dug in as soon as he was able.
"You're ravenous."
"I'm ready for this to be done is what I am."
"Do you truly find me so unbearable?"
Charles paused and glanced up at Erik for a long moment before looking down, not answering.
They were quiet again, the room full of the sounds of their forks scraping their plates and jazz music before Erik spoke up.
"Where are the others?"
"Away. Which you knew, otherwise you wouldn't have come tonight."
"I'm surprised you're staying here. This huge place is too big for only four of you."
"It won't always just be us four. I'm planning on converting the manor into a school. I am a professor after all. This place can be a safe haven for mutant children to learn academically but also to be taught about themselves, their abilities, to learn to accept who they are, a place where they can feel safe and understood around other people who are like them. I'm hoping I can provide that for them at any rate," Charles answered, growing wistful as he thought of his plans.
"It sounds nice. It's more than any of us had."
"All the more reason to make sure the school becomes a reality."
"How many students do you think you'll have here, once you get the place up and running?"
"As many as I can manage. Possibly more. I'll have to look for teachers too if I get as many students as I hope to. Don't suppose you'll have any recommendations?"
"You want recommendations from me?"
"You're spending time with Shaw's old posse. I assume they've had more experience with other mutants than either of us have and I would hope not all of them are bent on war and mutually-assured destruction."
"You'd have to ask Emma directly about that. We've not spoken recently. She's gone home to Boston and I've got business in Dallas."
"Dallas is a long way from New York. Why did you come here?"
"I told you, for—"
"Dinner, yes. When are you going to drop that bullshit excuse?"
Erik tilted his head, giving Charles a considering look before he turned to look at the record player. Charles snorted a bit, taking a bite of his latke.
"Since when are you a jazz fan?"
"I'm not really. I just like the lyrics."
Sing on until
You bring back the thrill
Of a sentimental tune
That died too soon
"Dance with me."
Charles rose a brow as he watched him throw his napkin down, stand and hold his hand out.
"I'm not much for dancing."
"Come on. May as well enjoy it while you still can, right?"
Charles gave him a scowl at the implication. Erik seemed to have picked up on his stumble and gave him a brief apologetic look.
"It's just a dance."
Somehow, Charles doubted that. He was straying into risky territory here. He indulged this for much longer than he should've. Sean was away visiting family, but he didn't know when Alex and Hank were going to show back up. He didn't want them to return while he was having dinner with Erik, dancing by the low light of a fire. It looked too intimate. They might get the wrong idea. Even with that concern, he found himself standing up and accepting Erik's hand.
Erik pulled them away from their unfinished meals into the open space of the dining room. He intertwined one of their hands and placed the other on Charles' waist as he rested his fingers on Erik's shoulder, letting him take the lead. He felt his skin warming up as they began to sway to the music, though he attributed that to the burning fire. He didn't look at Erik's face as they danced, instead letting his gaze settle on the flames.
He felt clumsier than normal, unsure of his steps. He was not much for dancing, that was more Raven's speed. Any amount of charm he had went out the window once he was meant to follow a beat and his uncertainty on his feet given recent events did not inspire confidence either. Erik proved a good partner though. He led the dance with an easy authority. One would think he knew the song by heart for how well he kept time, not letting Charles get lost in the shuffle of the music. He exhaled sharply when Erik pushed him out suddenly, letting Charles duck under the taller man's arm before he reeled him in so his back was near pressed to Erik's chest.
He opened his mouth to protest but somehow calling attention to it seemed like it would just make things awkward, so he let Erik keep swaying him this way, trying his best to repress the shivers that wanted to wrack his body as Erik's breath brushed against the skin of his neck and ignore the firm press of their bodies against one another. After a few measures of the song, Erik pushed him out again with a small spin before pulling him close, back to their original position. He thought the strange moment had passed but found he couldn't quite suppress the near imperceptible shudder as Erik started humming along with the music, the rumble of his chest tangible to Charles due to the proximity of their bodies.
Our harmony was lost
But you forgave I forgot
Whisper not of quarrels past
You know we've had our last
"Is that why you're here, Erik? Forgiveness?"
"I wouldn't presume to ask for it."
Charles chuckled humorlessly.
"You've presumed a lot more than that, why stop there?"
"I don't deserve it, so I'm not going to ask for it. Still, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. It should've never happened like that. I allowed my anger to consume me and you were hurt in the process. I should've understood a long time ago the consequences my rage could wrought unchecked. Seems another harsh lesson was due. You should've never paid that price for me to learn."
Erik appeared to be remorseful, regretful and repentant.
"I'm not going to say I forgive you."
"I don't expect you to."
"Good."
He looked away from Erik again but tightened his grip on his fingers and took a step closer. He didn't protest when Erik closed the distance with a step of his own. They didn't stop dancing as the song ended and another one began.
It seems like a dream, yet I know it happened
A man, a maid, a kiss, and then goodbye
Romance was the theme
And we were the players
"I don't hate you," Charles commented suddenly.
Erik moved to look at him, but he didn't meet his gaze.
"I know you think I do. I wish I did, but I don't. I know you too well to hate you. It would be easier for both of us if I did."
The silence hung heavy in the room for a moment before Erik spoke.
"I care about you, Charles. I can't blame you for doubting it. I haven't exactly shown it well, but I do care about you."
Charles stopped swaying and shot Erik an accusatory glare.
"You left me, alone. The boys were here, Moira was here, but I was still alone."
"I know."
"Then why did you leave?"
"We didn't want the same thing."
"That's bullshit. How did it get that far over politics?"
"I'm not talking about the politics of it all, I'm talking about us. We didn't want the same thing."
Charles scrunched his brow in confusion before realization hit him and he pulled away from Erik like he was touching fire.
"I don't know what you mean."
"That's what I mean," Erik clarified, indicating the space Charles had put between them.
"I thought we were on the same page, but you weren't ready, and I was. I would've waited if I thought…"
Charles felt a complicated series of emotions sweeping through him: denial, disbelief, anger, hurt, fear, guilt, shame.
"So, what? Just because I didn't… that warranted a bullet in my back?"
"That was an accident, you know it was."
"I don't know anything, Erik. I don't even know why you're here."
The German gave him an assessing look. Charles wondered what he looked like. He imagined he had his teeth bared and hackles raised like a wounded animal backed into a corner. Erik didn't seem to sense the peril he was wading into as he took a step closer to him, ignoring the warning noise Charles made.
"I'm going to do something in Dallas. It's going to be dangerous. I don't know how it's going to go. All told, I might not come back."
Charles started at the abrupt declaration.
"What are you planning?"
"Don't worry about it. The less you know, the better. The point is, given the nature of the mission, I wanted to stop here first."
"For what?"
"For you."
Charles gave him a withering look.
"Don't play games with me."
"No games, no subterfuge, no half-truths. Just a proposal. One night. Just you and me."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Charles, drop the act of ignorance. Forget about all the reasons you think you of all people can't be attracted to another man and talk to me properly. I don't have much time before I have to go to Dallas, and I don't know what's going to happen then."
There was an edge of melancholy and something urgent in Erik's voice that made Charles deflate.
"One night for what? To pretend that everything that's happened hasn't? Based on what? A few charged looks and lingering touches? I think everything on that beach overshadows that by quite a bit."
"We can't forget what happened, not truly. I don't want us to."
"Then why? It isn't going to change or fix anything."
"There is something between us that's deeper than friendship and mutual respect. I know you felt it before and I think you still feel it."
Charles bit his lip so he couldn't answer, but Erik pressed the issue.
"You do feel it, don't you?"
He looked down to avoid the question, but Erik captured his chin and brushed a finger through the loose strands of brunette locks sweeping across his forehead. Charles could not help but to meet his gaze then. Erik's eyes were soulful and imploring, begging for an answer one way or another.
"Charles?"
"…I feel it. But we can't. It's wrong. I promised Raven I would never do something like that again, I promised myself."
Charles stopped talking as Erik pulled him flush against his body, causing a quiver to go down his broken spine.
"We both know this thing we have is real. It's bone-deep and probably permanent, but you and I are not in a place where we can make it be permanent. So just one night. No fear, no shame, no blame or rage. Just serenity. Just us. Just one night to acknowledge that there is more here and then we go our separate ways and you go back to being angry and hating me."
Erik's body was warm against his, the hard and sharp lines of him so very different from a woman's soft curves. Charles wanted to explore him in a way he was always too fearful to. The only thing that he had done with a man before was a few jerks and a couple blowjobs.
Raven caught him making out with some schoolmate from Oxford once and had a veritable meltdown. She was confused and frightened at learning this new thing about Charles, didn't understand it and was maybe a little pissed that he was hiding something about himself when she could have no secrets from him. She made him promise not to do it again. It was too dangerous, he might run into the wrong sort and get himself killed or he would draw the wrong kind of attention to them and someone would find out what they were. He had never thought of that and that had made him even more ashamed than just the fact that he had these proclivities that he couldn't seem to completely banish. So, he promised her chastity in those regards and he had kept his promise, until Erik came along.
He tried so hard to resist him and for the most part he succeeded. It was easy to ignore something when he refused to acknowledge its existence. Then Moira had forced him to see it after he flirted with her one too many times.
"I like you well enough, Charles, but I don't actually care to be the woman you use to convince yourself and the world that you're not, at least, somewhat attracted to men. Or is it just Lehnsherr that has that distinction?"
"What? I'm not— don't be ridiculous."
"You say that, but I've been watching you make moon eyes at him for too long to believe you."
"I assure you my list of lovers of the opposite sex is quite extensive. I have my eyes firmly set where they should be."
"Why does it bother you so much?"
"Why doesn't it bother you?"
Moira had treated him with a searching look before waving at her head.
"You can see for yourself."
Charles had given her a cautious look, but it wasn't very often he ever got an invitation like that.
Moira had shown him images of a room in her apartment, a bed, sheets askew. There was a woman lying next to her, pretty with a gorgeous smile, naked with beads of sweat on her face.
Ji-Ah, he heard in Moira's voice.
The way she thought her name made it clear what kind of relationship they had.
"Oh," Charles had commented with a blush.
"I thought you had been married."
"I was and I loved Joe just like I love Ji-Ah. Not everything in life is binary, certainly not sexuality. I'm attracted to men and women. Lehnsherr is too if I'm reading him right. You could be as well. Doesn't have to be one or the other."
"It just seems... greedy, I suppose."
Moira had snorted at that.
"You must hear and see so many different things with your telepathy. You can't be clueless about this. There's no way it's the most perverse concept you of all people have come across. As a man of the mind and science, you must know that it's not some kind of sickness or a disease. You're not a man of faith, so I doubt you believe it's a sin against God and nature. Is it really that big of a deal to you? You seem like you'd be the king of introspection, I'm surprised you're lying to yourself about this of all things."
Charles had gaped at her in reply, not having an answer for that. Moira shrugged again.
"You should talk to him either way. He's eyeing you back, so if you're not interested, you should tell him."
"Honestly, just stop it. I'll be doing no such thing."
"Suit yourself. But do me a favor and stop flirting with me. I'm tired of Lehnsherr giving me death glares over it. I'm not going to be his understudy or get hurt when he finally loses control and tries to impale me with something."
Charles had brushed off Moira's words and held on to indignation as long as he could but there was no unknowing the truth after she put it on the table. There were brief moments of tension between him and Erik that came and went but neither ever acted on it. After Cuba, Charles was ready to bury the whole experience. Now, Erik was here tempting him.
"That… it… it won't work. It'll just make everything worse. We'll never be able to forget that it happened. It's Pandora's box. It… mmm."
He was abruptly cut off by Erik's lips pressing against his firmly. He pulled away before Charles had a chance to respond, leaving the shorter man's lips tingling.
"Please?"
Erik was not a man who begged and yet on separate occasions tonight, he let himself do so. Charles wanted to continue to protest but he felt his resolve crumbling.
"One night? That's it?"
"That's it."
This was a bad idea. Intellectually, he knew that. There was no way he would come out the other side unscathed. But he was so tired of pretending, so tired of having to put on a façade for the world. He was tired of pushing this part of himself down and ignoring it for the greater good and he was tired of ignoring the feeling that had been growing in his chest ever since he felt Erik's mind screaming and raging beneath the water's surface. It was just one night. What true harm could it do? He knew the answer to that question, but he didn't want to be rational right now, he just wanted to feel... something, anything other than the way he'd been feeling for the last year. Hell, the last thirty years.
"Okay."
As soon as the whispered response left his lips, Erik was on him.
This was far from Charles' first kiss, with a man or otherwise. Raven often called him a slut for the number of women he'd slept with. For him, kisses were their own form of dialogue. Some kisses were words, simple ones that boiled down to an equal exchange of lust, desire and, rarest of all, love. This kiss, though, was a sentence.
Charles has never kissed anyone like this. He's had kisses that set his body on fire, kisses that were lust-drunk and even love-soaked and kisses that encapsulated all the longing and yearning of his body made manifest. As Erik kissed him, he seemed to be saying 'I've wanted this for so long' and 'I'm sorry'.
Charles answered him as best he could, pressing his lips solidly to Erik's as he wrapped his arm around Charles' waist to hold his trembling body close. He moaned against the pressure of Erik's lips, not soft or sweet but demanding and hungry.
He tilted his head so that Erik could kiss him more firmly, the weight of his lips offering reassurance of Erik's presence more than anything he said could. His hand came up, skimming along Charles' side before sliding into his hair, sealing their lips even closer. He sighed into the deepening kiss, losing himself in the pleasant feelings buzzing through his body. Erik's thoughts were penetrating past the chemical barrier the serum put up. The thoughts and emotions whirred in the back of his head like rusted metal too long disused, but it was there. Charles could glean the desire and longing Erik felt for him, his care and regret and something else he wouldn't name.
He did not want to let go or let this moment end, but sooner than he would like, Erik pulled away. He stared down at Charles like he was some kind of enigma.
"Do you want to go upstairs," Erik asked tentatively.
Charles couldn't say it wasn't warranted. There was a lingering shame and humiliation at his own actions. A part of him was chastising himself for being here, in this house where he grew up with his mother, kissing Erik in the same dining room where his parents were married. He pushed that mortification away viciously.
Just me and Erik tonight. Nothing else.
He reached down and pulled Erik's hands away from his body. There was a flash of disappointment in his eyes, but it left when Charles took his hands and started leading him towards the stairs.
Charles' room was mostly clean, thankfully. Not that it really mattered. As soon as they walked into the room, Erik pulled him right back in for a kiss, the door slamming shut behind them. Charles let himself surrender to it, his heart pounding in his chest and blood rushing through his veins as they stumbled back towards his bed. His back hit the mattress with a soft thump. Erik loomed above him, removing his turtleneck and undershirt. Charles sat up in response to remove his cardigan. He pulled his shirt out of his trousers roughly and moved to unbutton it, but Erik's fingers stopped him.
"Let me."
Charles let his hands fall away to brace his position on the bed as Erik started undoing his shirt. He shivered lightly as he slowly separated the fabric, exposing his skin to the chilled air. He kissed each new patch of skin that was revealed. He pushed the shirt off Charles' shoulders once it was completely unbuttoned, his fingers lingering on his back. Charles stiffened as he felt them stop just above where the bullet wound and resultant surgery scars were. Erik glanced up at him, his eyes full of too many emotions. He looked away but Erik followed him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
"Can I see?"
Charles bit his lip but nodded. Erik pulled his shirt off the rest of the way. Charles maneuvered so his back was facing Erik. He was nervous for reasons he couldn't explain. He hadn't let anyone see it outside of a medical setting, not even the boys. He actively avoided having to look at it himself. Given its origin, he wasn't sure what Erik would think or say.
He jumped as he felt lips against his ruined skin.
"Es tut mir leid. Ich wollte dich niemals verletzen."
He didn't know anything more than rudimentary German, if that, but he could tell it was an apology. For some reason, he felt his eyes tearing up unbidden. Erik straightened up and wrapped his arms around Charles' waist, pulling their bodies flush so their bare skin touched.
Charles felt his heart beating wildly and his eyes burning as desire warred with his insecurities and hurt.
"I'm sorry," Erik whispered in his ear.
Charles nodded silently, accepting the kisses he adorned to his neck and shoulders. He felt his desire returning full force but found himself melting entirely when he started nibbling and licking his earlobe.
"What do you want tonight, liebchen?"
Charles shook his head a little as all the possibilities started running through his mind. They only had tonight. There was no way they'd be able to do everything Charles had ever conceived that they could.
"I… I think I want…" he trailed off, afraid to say it out loud. He never had before.
"You can tell me. Remember, no judgement, no shame. Not for anything."
He opened his mouth to speak the words into existence, but nothing came out. He shifted his hips instead, pushing his ass against the growing bulge between Erik's legs. It wasn't close enough to truly feel it the way he wanted to, their pants were in the way, but it was a heavy weight against him. Erik's breath stuttered against his neck, causing another shiver to go through Charles' body. He wanted to see Erik naked, to feel him against him with no barriers, wanted to feel him on top of him, and inside of him.
"Are you sure?"
Charles leaned back and kissed the space just at the top of Erik's nose in response.
"Have you ever?"
"Not that."
Erik nodded in return.
"Don't worry. I've got you."
For all Charles' earlier anger and reticence, in this moment he found he believed Erik completely.
They both moved off the bed, neither having to speak as they divested of their remaining clothing. Charles took a moment to study Erik's body. There were scars spread out like tapestry across his skin from the harsh life he'd lived. Other than that, his body was toned, much more than Charles', and almost exactly how he imagined it. He moved forward and kissed a scar on the left side of his chest, inches from his heart. He allowed his hands to explore as he continued kissing various healed wounds while Erik murmured vague noises of approval.
He strayed his hand down Erik's chest, passing his waist to brush lightly against his member. He felt a stab of pride at the resultant shudder of Erik's body. He pushed him so the taller man was sitting on the edge of the bed and Charles dropped fluidly to his knees.
Erik was, unsurprisingly, circumcised and had the largest penis of any man he'd been with so far, though that wasn't a large sample size. The last time Charles' lips were this close to a cock was years ago. He felt a bit nervous but determined as well. He'd had enough sex with women in his life that he should reasonably be able to duplicate what had been done to him.
He started off kissing his way from tip to base, smiling a little at the small tremors coming from Erik. He licked back up the shaft before taking just the tip in his mouth, suckling at it. Erik groaned softly and started brushing his fingers through Charles' hair, not forcing his mouth any lower but scraping his fingernails through Charles' scalp. He slid his lips down Erik's cock, taking more of him.
Erik was hot and heavy on his tongue, his skin smooth, vaguely salty with a hint of scented soap. He braced his hands against Erik's thighs as he bobbed his head up and down his length, finding a rhythm. He pulled off his shaft with a pop, taking him in his hand as he moved his lips down curiously. A woman had tried something once which had seemed nonsensical to him before she did it. He caressed his balls with his tongue before sucking at the sack. Erik made a wordless sound of vehement approval.
"I thought you said you were a novice."
Charles pulled away with a grin.
"I'm a very good student," he quipped back before putting his mouth to better use.
Erik let out a string of groans as Charles laved at his balls before moving back to suck his cock down in a swift motion. He felt a swell of pride at the choked off whimper that escaped Erik. He took him as deep as he could, repressing the urge to gag as he swallowed around him. Erik's fingers tightened in his hair in response before he pulled Charles off of him entirely, dragging him up to his lap so he could kiss him roughly. He was certain Erik could taste himself and he moaned at the thought, deepening the kiss as Erik's tongue swept his bottom lip.
Erik leaned back and used their position to roll Charles onto his back, maneuvering them so Erik was hovering above him with Charles neatly slotted between his legs. Their lips remained locked as Erik's fingers started trailing down his chest towards his flagging erection. He trembled in anticipation of Erik's touch, something he previously thought would only exist in a fantasy. Erik stroked a single finger along a vein on his cock, his touch frustratingly light. Charles bit the other man's lip in admonishment, pushing the images of what he wanted Erik to do at him psionically. His telepathy yielded to his desperate desire allowing him to project the running images of pure filth straight into Erik's head.
The magnokinetic pulled away from the kiss and gazed at Charles with pure want.
"I'm not opposed, but I don't know that we have time for all of that."
"We'd best get started then."
Erik leaned down to kiss him soundly once more.
"Do you have something we can use," he murmured against his lips.
"Coconut oil. Closet," he responded between kisses.
Erik pushed off the bed and strut over to the door. Charles' eyes were glued on his tight form so he couldn't miss when he stiffened up after opening the closet.
"What is it?"
Erik glanced back at him and stepped away so Charles could see his wheelchair sitting inside the shadows almost ominously. He had forgotten that he shoved it in there with the intention of never seeing it again once he started taking Hank's concoctions. Erik's face was filled with guilt as he glanced over at the innocuous metal before looking back to Charles with anticipation, as if the sight of the chair would discourage him from taking their liaison any further. Perhaps, if it had just been the beginning, he would've. He was too far gone now. He waved a hand at the shelf above the clothes.
"The oil is up there."
Erik gave him a searching look.
"You've kept me waiting long enough, don't you think?"
"I've kept you waiting," the older man retorted dubiously.
"Time is ticking, Erik. I want you inside of me sooner rather than later, so hurry back to bed."
They shared a charged look before Erik quickly grabbed the oil and shut the closet, softer than was necessary.
He crawled over Charles, pressing his body back into the bed as they started kissing again. He could smell when Erik opened the tub of oil, the scent of coconuts wafting under his nose. He didn't break the kiss as he shifted so he was laying more beside Charles than on top of him. Erik took him in his hand without warning, his warm slick hand working Charles' cock back to hardness. He pulled away from the kiss after a while and found himself staring into Erik's eyes, moans of pleasure escaping his lips as Erik massaged him.
Erik kissed the tip of his nose and then his lips, moving down to his throat and then his chest, swirling his tongue over both of his nipples. He licked down his stomach, pressed a kiss to his belly button. He bypassed Charles' cock completely to brush his lips from the top of his thighs down to his knee on each leg before going back to paying special attention to his inner thighs.
"Don't tease me," he hissed in response.
Erik chuckled lowly before he finally moved his hand and took Charles in his mouth. His mouth dropped open in a wordless moan as Erik wasted no time lavishing attention on him, licking and sucking and swallowing around him. It was not his first blowjob by a longshot, but there was something different about Erik doing this, about his cock hitting the back of Erik's throat, about Erik of all people opening his mouth wider, inviting Charles to use him.
He rocked his hips forward tentatively, not wanting to hurt him. That thought should be laughable after everything that had happened but as far as Charles was concerned, there wasn't anything that existed beyond this room.
Erik moved Charles' hand to rest upon his head and he stopped questioning it any further. He thrusted his cock into the wetness of Erik's mouth, moaning at the sensation. His fingers spasmed in his auburn hair, pushing him down on his length.
"Shit, fuck," he grunted when Erik groaned around him.
He glanced down, unreasonably satisfied and aroused at the image of Erik, powerful, strong, intractable Erik, sucking his cock and seeming to enjoy it, letting Charles use his mouth without hesitation.
Erik's slicked hand started massaging his balls, adding another texture of pleasure before Charles felt a wet finger pressed against his entrance. His body shook in response, murmuring his approval. Erik didn't immediately push the digit inside, circling his finger around the hole for long minutes to Charles' frustration.
"Just do it," he demanded finally.
"You're so impatient," Erik chided playfully in his head, his words only a psionic whisper.
"And you're a tease."
It was somewhat of a strange sensation when he finally pressed his finger inside, something new but not daunting. He plunged the finger in and out in the same rhythm as Charles' hips thrusting into his mouth. The strangeness quickly faded as the dual points of pleasure converged into one.
He whimpered in protest when Erik tapped his hand to let him off his cock but allowed it, however reluctantly.
"Need more oil," he rasped in explanation.
The gruffness of his voice caused Charles to shiver, knowing he'd done that.
Erik grabbed the tub before moving back down his body. He kissed his inner thigh, spreading the oil around his entrance, pressing a single finger in and out periodically.
"Erik, please," he pleaded.
He felt his body shudder and melt as he put his fingers back inside of him, two this time. He thrusted and scissored, opening Charles up for him. He could feel Erik holding back and a part of him appreciated it, but he wasn't some whimpering maiden. Well, in this instance he was, but still.
"I can take it."
Erik pulled away from the kisses he'd been laving on his thighs to shake his head.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm not made of glass."
Erik went back to kissing his hot skin and he thought he was going to be ignored, but then he crooked his fingers in a way that made Charles see stars.
"Yes, like that."
He moaned as he started thrusting his fingers in earnest, twisting ever so often and hitting something that made his whole body jerk.
"Jesus Christ," he swore when Erik added a third finger to the onslaught.
The noises he was making were loud and unashamed, not caring whether one of the boys came back and might hear him.
"Erik, please. I need you. I'm ready. Just fuck me," he begged.
Erik lurched up and kissed him, moving him so they were in the middle of the bed. He sat back on his haunches, slicking his cock up with more oil before he settled between Charles' legs.
"Are you sure?"
"Do I look like I'm not?"
"It's just that there's no going back once we do this."
"Darling, we are way past the point of no return. I want you, you want me. No shame, no guilt, no fear, right?"
Erik's face softened to the point that, despite Charles' previous declaration, scared him. He leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. In spite of everything they'd done so far, that action made his heart feel like it was going through a washing machine more than anything else had.
Erik lined himself up with his entrance, their lips not breaking the soft caress as his firm length started pressing inside him. He felt like all the air was punched out of his lungs as Erik breached the ring of muscles.
"Breathe, liebchen," he murmured, not pushing in any further to allow Charles a chance to acclimate.
He nodded for him to continue and took deep breaths as Erik pushed the rest of the way inside until he was fully seated.
"Okay?"
"Give me a minute."
They stayed still while Charles' body got used to being stretched, having Erik inside of him where no one else had ever been before. Once he felt like he could reasonably draw breath, he wrapped his arms around Erik's shoulders and wriggled his ass against him to spur him to movement.
Erik started with gentle thrusts, but the pain still outweighed the pleasure for a little while before his hips shifted and he started hitting Charles' inside at an infinitely more pleasurable angle. He clutched Erik tight, enticing him to take him properly.
He moaned when Erik started thrusting into him harder, his ass clenching and squeezing and trying to pull him in deeper and succeeding much to Charles' delight. He dug his nails into Erik's back, letting out a loud cry when he hit that same spot inside of him. He kept hitting it, thrusting deep and hard. Charles' vocabulary whittled down to curses, wordless moans and Erik's name. He felt like he was going to come without touching his cock at all. He felt his orgasm building, though not where he expected. Erik was still hitting that spot inside of him and drawing more pleasure than Charles ever felt in his life. Erik grabbed both his legs and hiked them up past his waist so he was somehow, impossibly, even deeper than before.
"Keep fucking me. God, yes. Wanted you for so long. Don't stop. Please, please, please," Charles babbled, his brain practically short-circuiting.
"Charles, you feel so good. So tight."
He was no novice to sex. Sex was always easy for him. The frequency of it didn't make it less special to Charles. Between the physical connection and the telepathic one, it couldn't mean nothing, not even the most lurid one night stand, but this was something else. There was a separate, deeper kind of connection between him and Erik that he had never experienced before, a kind of joy he felt that was bone-deep. He couldn't help but to respond to the slightest touch from him, delighting in the reverent way Erik said his name and how entirely focused on Charles he was, no one else in the world mattering as much.
His heart hammered and stuttered in his chest with every thrust, filling with emotions he dared not give name to for more than one reason. It wasn't right, he wasn't in the headspace for it, Erik had hurt him and they were…
Jesus, he couldn't even bother to think of reasons. Not when Erik was pounding into him like this and tracing the shell of his ear with his tongue.
"Mmm, Erik. I'm… I think I'm… I'm so fucking—" Charles broke off with a loud groan, his body convulsing as he was hit with a mind-numbing orgasm. It was different from anything he ever felt. His body was shaking and his breath coming harsh as Erik kissed his cheek soothingly as he slowly came back down from the high.
He glanced down and saw his cock was still hard. He rose an eyebrow at that.
"But I didn't, how…"
"I'm pretty sure you don't want me to give you an anatomy lesson right now."
"Later," he agreed.
He took a moment to catch his breath before pushing Erik lightly.
"I want to be on top."
Erik moved so he was laying against the pillows near the head of the bed. Charles climbed on his lap and positioned himself so he was above Erik's cock before baring down, whimpering at the feel of him against his sensitive insides. The new angle drew groans of approval from both men as Charles seated himself entirely. He placed Erik's hands on his waist to help him as he began grinding down. Erik encouraged him to circle his hips before lifting up and dropping back down. Once he got the idea, he steadied himself, hands on Erik's chest, before taking full control and sliding up and down Erik's shaft. He pulled off until only the tip was left inside of him before slamming back down, over and over again.
Erik was groaning and swearing unabashedly, looking up at Charles like he was the most amazing thing to have ever existed.
"You are perfect," he grunted when he clenched around him.
He smiled down at the German man in response, not breaking pace. He shifted around, hoping to find that place inside of him that had inspired his anal orgasm. He gasped and smiled wider when he made contact with it, riding Erik even harder as a result.
He could feel sweat running down his forehead and his back, his neck. His body was wracked with pleasure and a small bit of pain from how tightly Erik was clutching his hips, not that he cared. He moaned loudly when one of Erik's hands clutched his neglected cock, stroking up and down in time with the movement of their hips.
He throbbed in Erik's grip, leaking precum over his fingers. He felt like it was all going to be over in an instant and simultaneously like he could do this forever. He could stay right here in this room. The world could fall apart outside and he wouldn't give a damn if he could keep having Erik just like this.
"Ugh, I'm so close. I'm going to come."
"Do it. I want to see you."
Charles moaned, moving his hips more frantically.
"Look at me," Erik ordered.
He opened his eyes and met Erik's gaze. His eyes were heavy-lidded but intent on him. Charles' telepathy had been on the backburner most of this experience, not as important or immediate to him as the physical sensations, but ever-present and picking up on everything Erik was feeling. His desire and lust were strong, his happiness and relief that they were actually doing this, his sorrow and regret at the time limit he himself had imposed on it and something else that Charles just couldn't acknowledge but shook him to his core. He could see that emotion filling Erik's eyes as he stared up at him in wonder.
"Don't say it. Please, don't say it," he begged, slowing his hips down.
"Why not?"
"You can't take it back once you do. Everything will change. And you don't mean it, so don't say it."
Erik sat up and wrapped an arm around Charles' waist.
"I mean it more now than I ever have before. Charles, I—"
He slapped a hand over Erik's mouth to stop him. He could've said it anyway. Charles would've heard it, but he didn't push it, instead thrusting up into him. Their bodies resumed their previous rhythm, Erik meeting Charles' thrusts and his hand still working his cock. His orgasm hit him suddenly, hot cum shooting out and hitting his chest before leaking over onto Erik's fingers.
He whimpered as Erik pulled out of him and pushed him off his lap, moving him so Charles was on his stomach. He pressed himself against Charles' back and lined his cock back up to his entrance. His mouth dropped open in a quiet moan at yet another delicious angle. Erik did not build up this time, wasn't soft or gentle to start. He fucked him rough and deep, drawing loud exclamations and choked off sobs from Charles.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes. Like that. Don't stop. I never thought it would feel like this. God, why do you feel so good?"
"Because we're in love with each other."
Charles looked up and met Erik's gaze. The older man dropped a kiss to the top of his head and Charles didn't protest or deny his claim. Erik renewed his efforts, thrusting deep. Every part of him was sensitive and overstimulated. Erik's actions verged on painful, but he didn't want it to stop.
"Charles, I'm going to—"
"Come inside me."
Erik groaned in response, murmuring in German, words Charles couldn't understand but was sure were probably just as intelligent as anything his pleasure-addled mind could think up. His accent curled through the words and hit Charles' ear pleasingly. He'd be hard again if he had the stamina for that.
He started thrusting back against Erik, letting out a filth-laced litany of encouragements for him to come inside, give him everything he had. Erik stiffened above him before letting out a long-drawn out groan. Charles could feel the warmth spilling inside him, Erik's hips stuttering forward to thrust a few more times before he went still entirely. He didn't quite drop down on top of Charles, holding himself up with his elbows, but Charles knocked them out from under him so Erik was flush against him. They were both too hot and having Erik this close felt like a furnace against his back but he settled in comfortably.
"I'm going to crush you."
"I don't care."
They laid silently for a long time, both catching their breaths. Charles' mind was blank, still coming down from the shock of what they had just done. There was a sense of calm euphoria settling over him in the afterglow. He couldn't quite remember why he had been so adamantly against this happening, though he was sure the reasons would come to him eventually. Erik finally pulled back after a while, withdrawing from Charles, an action that wasn't entirely comfortable or even welcome, but he didn't do anything more than give a weak protest to which Erik kissed his back soothingly.
He heard Erik enter the bathroom and water running before a warm rag was being run down his back and lower to clean up the mess from their coupling.
Charles felt wrung out and exhausted, his body still thrumming with electric pleasure but fatigue was settling in too. Not that he planned to succumb to it. He only had tonight. He wasn't going to waste it sleeping.
Erik left briefly and then returned, pulling and pushing Charles along until his head was resting on the older man's shoulder. He settled in, pressing his nose against the length of Erik's neck. Erik pressed a kiss to the top of his head and pulled him even closer. Charles didn't want to break the peace that had settled over them, but he had to say something.
"You said it."
Erik didn't need explanation for what he meant.
"Not in so many words."
"I told you not to."
"You did, but it needed to be said."
"Did it really," he inquired, looking up into Erik's eyes.
His fingers reached up and stroked Charles' chin softly.
"You didn't say I was wrong."
"No, I didn't."
"Of all the things that's happened between us, love is hardly the worst."
"Says you."
"Is it really so bad?"
"You're going to leave again. We're still fundamentally the same people. Our minds haven't changed. So, yes, love seems like the cruelest thing that could happen."
"Do you regret tonight," Erik asked, the skin around his eyes tightening just the slightest bit.
"I feel a lot of things, but regret isn't one of them."
Erik's face softened and he leaned forward to kiss Charles.
"Ich dich liebe," he whispered against his lips.
Charles didn't need translation for that. He pulled back slightly, searching Erik's eyes for a hint of a lie but found none. He felt his own eyes watering up. It was just his luck that the one man who he could feel like his complete self with was also the man who hurt him, the man who couldn't stay. A single tear slipped down his cheek and he leaned up to press another soft kiss to Erik's lips. He couldn't make himself say the words, that would be a hurt he couldn't recover from, but he could pour it into a kiss, he could project the emotion into Erik's thoughts so he knew the truth.
The atmosphere around them was sharply broken as a knock came at Charles' door. They pulled back from each other abruptly, giving one another uncertain looks as the world outside made itself known. The knock came again accompanied by a voice.
"Hey, Professor. Hank and I just wanted to let you know we're back," he heard Alex say past the door.
"Yes, thank you for letting me know."
"Did you have company? We saw food in the dining room."
Charles quickly thought up an excuse.
"A lawyer about the school. You and Hank can have what we didn't eat if you want."
"Awesome. Thanks. Do you need any help tonight?"
"No, I'm alright. Thank you."
"Good night then."
"Night."
Charles tried to use his telepathy to gauge how far Alex walked but it stubbornly refused to work as easily as it had with Erik's mind. He didn't bother speculating on the why.
"Do you want me to go," Erik asked.
Charles shot up an eyebrow at that.
"You said we have the whole night."
"That was before they showed up."
"Just us. That's what you said. You're not going anywhere, so shut up."
Erik looked like he wanted to protest some more but pulled him closer instead, settling into the soft mattress.
Charles might regret this later, might wonder what sort of spell Erik cast over him to make him abandon his better sense and indulge in this night of forbidden passion. For the moment, he didn't care about that. He wanted this night, this one night, to fulfill his desires with the man he loved.