trigger warning

Chapter One: I Regret to Inform You

Remus wasn't at breakfast the next morning. No one said anything about it to Sirius, though. This was the longest Sirius had ever gone without anyone talking to him. James was still pissed. Peter had stopped talking to him.

Remus wasn't in any of his classes. None of the teachers mentioned it, or asked where he was. In fact, all of the classes were strangely quiet and subdued. Everyone seemed to sense that there was something, even if they didn't know what.

Remus wasn't at lunch that afternoon. Although the students laughed and talked as usual, the teacher's table was deadly quiet. Sirius could have sworn he saw Professor McGonagall wiping her eyes.

Remus wasn't in any classes after lunch either. They had Transfiguration last period, but Professor McGonagall choked up when she got to the board, and let them out. Sirius went to the hospital wing, but it was empty. There was no one in any of the back rooms. He ended up going back to the dorm room, also empty, and sleeping until dinner.

Remus wasn't at dinner that evening. The same aura as at lunch hung over the Great Hall. Sirius sat by James and Peter, but there were several spaces between himself and James. Still, neither of them was talking to him.

Professor Dumbledore stood up, clearing his throat. "If I could have your attention for a moment?" His voice was quiet, almost shaking, but it carried through the hall. A hush fell over the students. He took a deep breath, steadying himself, before continuing. "I regret to inform you that one of your classmates, Remus Lupin, passed away last night." He stopped, overcome with tears, and sank back into his seat.

Sirius's heart stopped. This had to be a mistake. Dumbledore had to be wrong. Remus wasn't dead. He couldn't be. "No," he whispered. "No, no, no." He was panicking, hyperventilating. He stumbled to his feet, but everything was spinning. "No, no, no!"

He felt arms around him, comforting arms, leading him out of the hall. It had to be Remus. He was always there to comfort Remus. It had to be Remus comforting him this time.

"It's ok, Sirius, it's ok. Just try to breathe."

"No, fuck, no!" screamed Sirius, hearing James's voice. "No! Please! He can't be! He can't be!"

"Sirius-"

Sirius broke out of James's arms, sobbing and screaming. "No! Remus! Please! Remus!" He punched the tile wall of the bathroom with all his strength and let out an anguished cry, feeling the tile crack beneath his fist and the skin on his knuckles break. "Remus! Please! Oh, fuck, Remus!"

James watched helplessly as Sirius cried and screamed and paced back and forth in the bathroom. Finally, he sank to his knees, sobbing brokenly. "Remus, please, no," he whispered.

James was quick to kneel down beside him and wrap a comforting arm around him. Sirius looked up at him, his face streaked with tears. "The last thing he said to be was 'I fucking hate you.' James, he said he hated me! He hated me!"

"Shh, it's ok," said James, gently pulling Sirius towards himself and wiping away his own tears. "It's ok."

Sirius's throat was hoarse from screaming. His head pounded. He slumped into James, closing his eyes and letting the tears fall.

James looked up as someone gently pushed open the bathroom door. "James?" asked Peter quietly, choking back tears. "Dumbledore wants to talk to us."

James helped Sirius stand up, and the three boys made their way to the hospital wing, where Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were waiting for them. It felt so wrong with just the three of them. Remus was missing. Remus should have been there. Oh, fuck, oh Remus.

Professor McGonagall looked up at them, her red-rimmed eyes full of tears. Professor Dumbledore took a deep breath. "Mr. Lupin committed suicide yesterday evening," he said. "He jumped off of the Astronomy Tower, shortly after our meeting. He was found later that night."

Sirius turned, sobbing into James's chest. This was all a horrible nightmare, it had to be. Remus had to be ok. He couldn't be dead. He clung to James, feeling James wrap an arm around him, holding him close. It was fucking ironic, he realized. He used to hold Remus like that, to comfort Remus like that. Just the thought made him cry harder.

"Did he speak to any of you after the meeting?" asked Professor Dumbledore.

Sirius nodded, still hugging James. He took a deep breath. "Me. We argued. He said he hated me. That was the last thing he said." His voice cracked, and the tears came once again.

He sank to his knees. James and Peter joined him on the floor, holding him, while they all cried. A part of them was missing, both from their group and from their hearts. And it would always be missing. Because Remus was one of them, and they weren't the same without him.

"Arrangements are currently being made for his funeral," said Professor McGonagall shakily. "You three will be kept up to date and involved. Is there anything else we can do for you right now?"

James shook his head. Sirius straightened up, pure anger coursing through his veins. He jumped to his feet, pointing a shaking finger at the two professors. "Why didn't you do something?" he yelled. "Why? You knew he was cutting, you knew he was possibly suicidal. Why didn't you keep a closer eye on him?"

"Sirius-"

"No! Fuck all that! Why didn't you watch him?" He was screaming now, hot tears still running down his face.

"We tried," said Professor McGonagall simply.

"And you failed! You fucking failed! You had one job: to protect your students! And you fucking failed!"

"Sirius," choked out Professor McGonagall.

And then everything caught up to him. And he realized what he was doing and what he was saying. He sank down to the floor again. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok, Sirius," said the professor. "It's ok."

But it wasn't ok. Remus wasn't ok. And he never would be. Remus was dead, and a part of Sirius had died with him.

A/N:

i am sorry.