Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago Fire, or any of its characters or plots. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.
Chicago, March 10th 2021
Hey Sylvie,
If you're reading this letter, I guess I'm no longer alive. So, first of all, I apologize for not being there to tell you all this.
I'm sure you remember that a few years ago, after a special tough call that resulted in Borelli's brother death, Chief Boden asked all of us to write letters to our loved ones in case something went wrong on a call. It was a hard thing to do and most of 51, me included, were trying to postpone it with excuses until he set a deadline. "By the end of shift," he said. Somehow I finally wrote it and gave it to him, and believe me if I tell you that I had totally forgotten about it until yesterday.
Since then, given the line of work we're are in, I've had a front seat to a few good-bye speeches from colleagues (some made it, some didn't, and that's something I'm still learning to live with), but I've also witnessed several situations in which the chance at a good-bye speech was cruelly denied. I guess that's why Chief Boden insisted on having those letters, because he knew sometimes it's the only way we can tell our dear ones how we feel about them. Every call can be the last one and we never know if we'll be going back home, but, all that being true, we can't be thinking about it all the time. It wouldn't allow us do our job.
It was a mere coincidence that I was in his office yesterday when he reminded Ritter about the letter he had failed to provide him with for a couple of weeks. And I suddenly realized that the letter I wrote more than four years ago is not, by far, the one I'd write now. To begin with, its recipient would be different from the original. Hence the one that you're holding in your hands now.
I'm sure it's no news to you that I'm not very good with words. Maybe if I'd found the words to share this with you in the first place I wouldn't have hurt you like I did. I don't have many regrets, but that's actually a big one. Having hurt you. I never intended to do it, but that doesn't change the fact that I did. I'm sorry.
We've talked about a million things but I think we've never talked about my story with Gabby, the whole story, the good and the bad stuff. You've been such a great, supportive friend that I can't believe I've never told you about it. But I know you know most of it, because although you've always been very discreet, I'm sure Gabby told you about our fights and disagreements, the same way I told Severide. Truth to be told, I've never been much of a talker (I'm sure you've noticed that by now, too), but sometimes I did feel the urge to let off some steam and Kelly's always been there. As I like to say, you know you're in trouble when Kelly Severide thinks you're in trouble.
That night, in your apartment, when you asked me if I'd leave with her if she showed up in Chicago, you caught me off guard. Weeks have gone by and I still don't know why I said "I don't know" (no pun intended). I guessed I just didn't want to take any advantage of that moment between us if you had the slightest of doubts, no matter how much I'd wanted that to happen for months. But the reality is that by then she already asked twice and I didn't leave with her any of those times. And, more important, I haven't thought about her for a very long time.
It's just been you, Sylvie, for more than a year now. I have to admit that even before you got engaged to Kyle. You're the one, the only one, that's been on my mind. I don't know how, but I slowly fell in love with you and by the time I realized it you were asking me about Gabby and I miserably failed to convey my feelings. Again, I'm sorry.
She and I went through a lot of things together and she will always be someone very important in my life. Even her sudden and unannounced leaving brought you and me close! That's why I said "regardless of Gabby". I'm so sorry I wasn't able to explain it properly and things went down between us the way they did. After that you asked for space and I'm trying to respect your wishes, but oh boy, it's being hard.
She's in the past, Sylvie. I want you to know that you are my present, I can't stop thinking about you, and I really wish you could be my future, because I know we want the same things in life: an equal partner, a family... And I am sure you are going to have all that, Sylvie. I'm positive. You deserve it. You make people around you better. You make me better when I'm around you, and I'll be forever grateful for that alone.
If I could go back in time to any moment I could choose in my life, I wouldn't hesitate: I'd switch back to that last shift before the mattress factory fire, and this time I'd make damn sure that I asked you out like I had intended to do.
Yours,
Matt
P.S. - By now you've probably found out that you are my health care proxy. I trust you completely, and there's no one I'd trust more to make this kind of decisions on my behalf than you. I told Christie before I changed it, and she agreed with me. Not that she wasn't expecting it sooner or later after the hints I've been given her during the last year (her words, not mine...). You two haven't met until now, but I know you'll become good friends. Please keep an eye on her and Violet for me.