Kim stared at the closed door, eyes fixed on where Adam's face had been just moments ago as if he'd open the door and come back to her. His words cut through her like a knife. He'd always been there for her, with his perfect face and always staying by her side. The only time they were really separated since they'd broken up was when he went undercover, and even then once he was back they were back to being…not exactly friends, but whatever their weird mix of friendship and soulmates were.
He'd told her he wouldn't leave. That he was going to be there forever for her, by her side and he'd wait until she was ready. But not anymore. He'd firmly closed the door on her, and her heart was broken from his words. They were over and she didn't even think their friendship would recover from it. What was she going to tell Makayla? That he'd had a change of heart and was leaving them alone?
She made her way home, lying through her teeth to the girl she was quickly loving as if she was her own child - and those memories and dreams of her and Adam and their child were shoved aside to stop her from breaking down - as she put her to bed, saying they'd talk to Adam soon.
The next morning she hadn't slept, her face swollen from tears. She hadn't hurt this much when she gave him back the ring, but this time it hurt more than she could ever think about. There was no taking back what she did, what she'd said, what he said in return, and the foundation they'd begun to build was gone. Kim went through her morning, getting Makayla's breakfast and treating her to Lucky Charms because she had forgotten to put the oatmeal steeping the night before, too caught up in her heartbreak. She got the young girl to school, waving her goodbye before making it to the precinct. Before she stepped out of the car she put her mask on, making sure her concealer was doing its job of hiding her red eyes and dark circles.
She waved at Trudy but didn't stop, instead buzzing herself in and running straight up to her desk. Adam was sitting at his, and she could have cursed how good he looked. He seemed like he'd slept the full night, not a care in the fucking world. How the hell could he be so happy and fine? Didn't he know that her heart was broken and she was floundering in place, forcing herself to be ok for Makayla when all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and sob for everything she'd lost?
She made it through the day, Voight somehow taking pity on her and sending her and Kevin out on calls alone together instead of the threesome they usually were. She was quiet in the car, staring out the window and listening to Kevin talk about anything and nothing. She smiled and nodded at the right places, making affirming noises when Kevin asked her if she thought he could do a long distance relationship with Vanessa. But when they got back to the precinct she stayed in her own bubble, waiting until Adam had left the bullpen to go get coffee or leave her desk, for fear she'd run into him and not be able to control her emotions.
She left at quitting time, determined to get home to Makayla and have a quiet night in. But she'd forgotten she'd organised a sitter for the usual team Friday night trip to Molly's, and when Georgia turned up she didn't have the heart to turn the teenager away without pay for the weekend. So she grabbed her coat and drove the ten minutes to the bar, taking deep breaths. She'd have one drink and come home, it'd be enough so she wouldn't make a fool of herself in front of Adam and break down. And she did want to see her friends. Hailey and Jay were still in the adorable phase, and as much as it'd kill her to watch them be all couple-y, she still wanted to be there for them.
She'd pulled into the parking lot and was walking across to the bar when Adam came up beside her, and she felt her resolve break.
"Kim, can we talk?" Even his voice, that deep voice that she could never forget how he sounded at all times - when he was hurt, when she was hurt, when he was comforting, when he groaned in bed with her - cut through her. She turned to face him, almost sure her eyes weren't watering.
"Yeah? I didn't know if we had anything left to say after last night. Are you still going to come see Makayla tomorrow? She was asking me and I didn't know what to tell her." She got the words out without breaking, and held her coat closer to her to keep the chill away from herself.
"Yeah, of course. No matter what happened between us I'm not gonna let her down. I just wanted to say…we needed to have that conversation but I'm sorry for how it happened. I shouldn't have closed the door like that." All Kim could hear was a fake apology, even though if she really asked herself she knew he was telling the truth. But her control was hanging by a thread, so she nodded.
"We needed it, you're right. I'm gonna go inside and see everyone, meet you in there?" She turned and walked, and Adam left ten paces between them so it didn't look like they'd just had that conversation.
One drink turned into a second as she sipped another beer, eyes wandering around the bar. Adam had stayed over at the counter for most of the evening, coming over for conversations before leaving. She drained her beer, ready to leave and go home when she saw him put his arm around a woman she'd never seen before. The colour drained from her face, and she quickly picked up her things.
"I'm gonna go home, I'm exhausted. I'll see you all over the weekend or Monday, depending on what happens. Is it too much to ask for a weekend with no crime?" The three left at the table groaned, saying she'd just jinxed them into working at least Sunday. She waved and left, refusing to look at Adam and the woman he was obviously flirting with as she left. She couldn't cope with it, not today. Not barely 24 hours after he broke her heart and made her cry through the night. How could he be so casually cruel with her in the damn building?
Her night was similar to the previous one, sobbing into the pillow that still smelled of his stupid cologne. He was everywhere in her apartment, from the stout stain on her rug to his flannel in her wardrobe, to his smell even in her bed. She couldn't get away from him, and the worst part was she didn't even want to. He'd broken her heart and he was fine and that just made it worse to her. The waves of misery washed over her as she stared out the window in between fitful sleep, watching as the dawn broke on another grey Chicago morning.
She got into the shower, washing her hair and trying to make herself feel better in the hot water. Once she was clean, dried and dressed she went into the kitchen, searching her freezer for the spoons she kept in there. It had been her flight attendant trick, cold metal always lessened the puffiness caused by jet lag when she was running from flight to flight, globe hopping. She just hoped it'd work for crying related puffiness too.
By the time Adam arrived, looking oh so put together, she thought she looked more human. Her eyes were back to normal, and she managed to put on foundation so it wasn't clear how little sleep she was running on. As soon as Makayla saw him she ran to him, getting lifted up into a hug. Even with her damn foster daughter he was the fun parental figure, the one who would always win. He was so much better than her at everything, and the realisation cut her almost as deeply as the heartbreak she was still feeling. He was better at her at the breakup - and could you even call it a breakup when they hadn't officially been dating - not hurting, just being himself.
"Did you have a good night? I didn't really see you at Molly's." Kim focused on the mug of coffee in her hands, her fingers intertwined around the white ceramic.
"Yeah, I left a little after you. Wasn't really feeling being there. I'm gonna take her to Navy Pier, ok? We'll be back by six."
Kim watched him walk out with Makayla, the two wearing matching Blackhawks face masks and holding hands. As the door closed she fell to her knees, the mug breaking on the ground, her final dregs of coffee spilling onto the tile. He was no longer hers, and she was broken. She'd finally realised that she was going to be there for him as he was for her, that she'd be there to stay for the long haul but he'd given up. And all she could hope was that she was gonna be alright someday. He'd sworn he wasn't gonna leave her, that he'd never go away. But he was gone and she had to deal with it.