A/N: this is my first time publishing on this site i have no idea how to use it despite having been here for several years
You awoke to a white ceiling, tinged with blues in the corners of your eyes. You see texture and immediately think this was not the white, empty space that you wake up to all the time. You raise your arm and see pale skin, wrapped with bandages. You lower your hand to touch the ones covering your face, only for you to flinch slightly at the pain that surged. Right, you only have one good eye now.
Memories from last night flashed in your mind. You had found your friend standing by the window, his figure illuminated by the moonlight. Suddenly he was crying, then he tackled you, saying something over and over, but you were too stressed out to listen to him. Next thing you knew, there was an explosion of pain as searing hot fluids spewed out of your face. You watched the world around you spin as you fell. The pain was too much. Your head felt like exploding. It was too much. You only heard your friend screaming as your consciousness faded.
Those were not your memories. They used to be your memories, but now they're someone else's. Those were Sunny's memories...
...and you are not Sunny.
You rose to sit upright. You scanned your surroundings; it was empty. You are alone. There was no one in the room but a bunch of potted plants surrounding your bed, with notes wishing for a speedy recovery. You looked away. You did not deserve those gifts. You don't even deserve to be here, having money spent on you just to live again as dead weight. Your mother deserved better. But here you are again, like some hard-to-kill pest.
You shifted yourself to move off the bed, only to feel a needle uncomfortably tugging on your skin. You looked to see that you were hooked on an intravenous drip. You scanned the stand it was attached on, wondering for a moment if you should bring it with you.
You decided to yank it off.
Warm, red fluid began to flow out your arm, after taking off the needle in the worst way possible. Wearing hospital slippers you just walked away from your bed, leaving behind a trail of small drops of blood. The pain didn't matter. You could barely feel anything anyway.
You found a mirror by the door. Out of habit, you approached and decided to look at yourself.
Omori stared back.
You were really thin and pale. Half of your face was covered in bandages. You stared at yourself with your hollow, empty, lifeless eye. You spot something behind you, staring at you. You weren't alone.
You turned away and headed out the room.
You only heard the reverb of your footsteps as you walked. The halls were empty. It was only you and the heavy presence behind you...
...until you found your friends waving at you at the end of the hallway. They looked so eager to see you. They looked so happy, so young, as if nothing happened. You wish they were always like this, that they would never change.
You're lying to yourself.
You stopped in your tracks when they all began to head away to another path. You ought to follow them.
You ignored the shadow going the other way.
You found yourself pushing a heavy door to a set of stairs leading to every floor in the building. Your friends were waiting for you by the door at the top of the staircase. You took your pace as you climbed upstairs. You watched as they went through the door.
The light temporarily blinded you as you set foot on the rooftop. A moment of readjustment allowed you to see; it was plain and empty, but you spotted your friends again. They were hanging around a vacant spot on the ledge, where part of the railing had fallen off. You listened to the gentle breeze as you moved toward the ledge. Steadily you climbed it and looked over the roof.
It was high up. People on the ground looked like ants in the distance. The view was almost nauseating.
But your friends are with you, and you're not scared of heights anymore.
A strong gust made you sway and you reflexively grabbed the nearest metal bar. You felt your heart skip a beat. Perhaps you still are, but you don't care anymore.
You looked toward the horizon. You can see everything from up here. It looked beautiful. You could almost forget why you went up here in the first place.
But you won't forget. You knew why you were up here, seeing your friends standing with you.
You were going to keep the truth. They don't need to know. They spent the last four years trying to heal from something you did. If they knew now, they would be hurt all over again. You didn't want that. Even if you had the chance to redeem yourself, it was far too late. They will never forgive you if they knew, not now, not ever. It's not like you deserve their forgiveness anyway. It was all your fault. You dragged your poor friend into your mess, when he witnessed what you did. He didn't deserve this. You let your friends believe in a lie for four whole years. They didn't deserve this. None of them do.
It's all your fault. It's all your fault. It's all your fault.
Life will move on without you. You're not special. You weren't the special one. You were always just a shadow behind your perfect...older sister.
You...remembered her.
You remembered her smile. You remembered the taste of her delicious cookies. You remembered how graceful she looked as she played the piano. You remember how much you used to enjoy playing together with her. You remembered her words.
You'll forgive yourself, won't you?
You felt empty.
You stared at the horizon then looked up at the sky. It was clear, with the sun shining brightly over you. It was the perfect weather for a nice picnic. You see your dream friends smile at you.
i'm sorry.
You don't think you can forgive yourself.
You heard a creak from the door behind you, and your friends vanish. Someone entered the roof. You are not alone anymore.
You didn't bother to look, and just kept your sight down below.
You heard a voice coming from behind, calling Sunny's name. It sounded familiar. You still did not look. You shifted closer towards the edge. It looks like a long way down.
Someone continued to call his name. This time they sounded closer. Now you turn to glance at them.
The first thing you see is something pink swaying along with the wind. You know this person. She stood out against the plain, white colors of the roof. She was the only one up here with you. She must've gone up here for some fresh air. Your soulless, dark gaze met with her vibrant, teal-colored ones. You could see the confusion and worry plastered on her face as she grew closer.
You've been caught red-handed. You feel like shit. She shouldn't be seeing this. She should've just stayed downstairs. She should've…
Why are you blaming her? You have no one to blame but yourself. You were the one who went up here. You were the one who left a trail of blood. Someone was bound to follow it eventually, and it just happened to be one of your friends.
It just happened to be her, huh. She was one of the last people you wanted seeing you like this. What would she think? Would she hate you? Would she forgive you?
She probably would, but you wouldn't know. Only she had the right to decide for herself.
For a moment you thought of climbing down to keep her from worrying, but you had already lifted your foot off the edge. You had already shifted your weight down to the abyss. Time seemed to slow down as you watched her reach out to you. Her shocked expression etched itself into your mind. You didn't want this to be the last thing you would see. Now you feel even more like shit. She doesn't deserve this. You just wished you were alone. Her seeing you was your only regret. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
You felt the wind rushing against you as you fell. Even amidst the panic, you felt oddly serene. It's already happening; you can't stop it anymore. You shut your eye.
Maybe Sunny can finally have his peace.
You felt something pulling you the other way. Your fall was cut short, and something cushioned your fall. Your friend must've caught you.
You opened your one good eye and pink filled your vision. Her arms were wrapped tightly around you. You could feel a numb pain with them gripping one of your injuries. You could feel her chest rise and fall as she heaved for air. None of that mattered to you.
Your first thought was that you were not dead.
You felt worse. You burdened your friend once again.
But for once, you were in someone's warm embrace. You felt...okay. You almost wished she wouldn't let go, no matter how suffocating her hold was. You stayed there, limp and weightless. You had no more strength to move after your earlier attempt. You were tired. You were so tired. You just want to rest. Why can't they let you rest?
The noise around you drowned out, but you heard shuffling, then another familiar voice. It was the voice of someone who kept knocking at your door for weeks at a time. It's hard to forget someone like that. The person underneath you conversed with him in between breaths, something about calling for someone. You could not listen clearly. You feel yourself sinking into a haze, into the familiar, empty white expanse you often visited.
A yell from your friend snapped you back to reality. Now she sounded strained and stressed, her words echoing in your mind.
"He was about to jump!"
You feel like that was the first thing you've heard properly today. The rest was just a blur. Was she talking about you? You didn't know, but you don't want to bother her any more than you already have.
Haste footsteps started from the distance and you heard the door click shut. You were alone with your friend again. You barely felt her bring you upright with her and grab your shoulders, calling Sunny's name, asking you if you are okay.
You just stared through her. There is no point calling out for him. Sunny is gone. He had given up. He had given up despite all the hard work he's done to remember the truth, even after you tried to stop him. He worked hard, but at what cost? He would've just gotten hurt again. You were just protecting him. You were just doing this for him. He deserved better. He's…
"...better off dead."
Your thoughts slip out of your mouth. Your throat was so dry. You haven't used your voice in years. You wondered if she managed to hear you.
"What...do you mean?"
Ah, she did. Your gaze darkened. You're making your friend worry again. It's your fault you were up here. She didn't have to see that. It's your fault this whole predicament happened.
"...it's...all my fault."
You can't keep your thoughts from flowing out. There's no stopping it now. You knew your friend was intent on hearing whatever you say. That's just how she is. You feel worse. You tried to listen as she asked something, but her words were drowned out again. You only heard snippets of what she said...something about the incident last night. Was she asking about what happened last night? You looked away, unable to respond. It wasn't just about last night. Your friend continued to speak.
"Hey, it's okay. I don't know what happened between you and Basil, but neither of you are at fault."
Her voice was softer than it usually is. You studied her expression. She was trying to maintain a calm composure. She doesn't need to do that, she should be lashing out at you, like she was about to earlier. You already know it's your fault. Your mouth slipped again.
"...but we are. mine...especially. basil...just happened to be there."
You feel like your responses would be automated soon, just flowing straight out of your mind without a second thought. You feel a phantom weight pressing on you.
"What...are you talking about...?"
She wants to know. Should you tell her? But she will be hurt. You don't want that, but at the same time you feel like she deserves to know. If there was a chance for you to tell the truth, it would be now. But what would be the point of going up here in the first place? Your thoughts clashed. You wanted it to stop. You decided to cut your train of thoughts with memories of your dear sister. Maybe you'll just let it slip for once.
"...mari."
You really missed her.
Your friend was silent for a moment, but you can see the empathy growing in her eyes.
"Sunny. It's not your fault."
You felt a pang in your chest. It's ironic for her to say that. You know it's your fault. It's always been your fault.
"...it is. i...was the reason she…"
"No, it's not. It's not your fault."
Her voice was firm, dead set on telling you that you have done nothing wrong. You wished that was the case, but you knew what you did. You killed her. You killed your sister. She loved you and you killed her. You loved her and you killed her.
"...i don't deserve to live."
You don't care anymore. You stared off into nothing.
"Sunny…"
You were tackled with an embrace.
"Don't you dare fucking say that." You can hear her voice crack now that she was closer. "You deserve to live. It's not your fault." She kept repeating her words; they cycled in your mind. It was oddly soothing for something you knew was a lie.
Her embrace was warm. You dare not to hug back; you don't deserve it, but you can't help but give in. You let your unknowingly tense body rest in her hold. You were so tired.
"I'm...sorry I wasn't there, when you needed someone the most," Your friend added. "But...Hero, Kel, Basil, and I...we're here now. I'm here now. I'm not abandoning you again."
Her words sunk into your mind. You needed to hear that.
But you don't think you deserve any of their kindness. You let out a shaky breath.
"i'm sorry."
She shouldn't waste her kindness on someone like you.
The embrace felt like an eternity. You almost enjoyed it, even when you shouldn't be. She broke off hesitantly and shared a glance with you. She looked exhausted, yet her eyes had a lively, determined glint unlike yours. You always liked that about her.
You hear the door barge open and through came your other friends, your mother, and some people who appear to be the hospital staff. Your friends look worried as they gather around you.
You see your mother rush toward you, surprising you with a hug. You've never had physical contact with her in years, only communicating with you through calls and notes. You don't blame her. She lost her only daughter because of you. You hear her crying out of relief that you were still alive. Her words felt shallow, but maybe that's just you. Maybe she actually cares about you. She just happened to be busy all the time.
A thought crept up your mind. So it took a suicide attempt to get her attention. You don't bother to deny it. Though, the fact that she did show up means that she still cared. You feel bad for having that thought.
"sorry, mom." You spoke half-heartedly and quietly. You're not sure if she heard you, but she pulled you again for another embrace and began to usher you back inside with the hospital staff. You stopped against her to take a glance at your friends. They all looked distraught, confused, concerned; you wondered how they would feel if you told them the truth.
You know nothing good would come out of it.
You kept looking at them as you were led back down, until the door shut behind you. Your mind began to wander on your way back.
You awoke to a blank, white ceiling. The floor is cold and hard. Everything around you is vastly empty.
Welcome to White Space. You've been living here for as long as you can remember.
Today, you are still alive.
A/N: next chapter is only a retelling of the story in aubrey's perspective for additional context