This is my take on what Elliot wrote Olivia in the letter and how she reacts. Thank you for reading. I don't own the characters.

THE LETTER

"Look, when I RSVP'd for your award's ceremony, they asked me to say a few words, and um, you know me and public speaking. So, I wrote this. And I was gonna give it to you that evening. Probably better way to say what I was just about to say, so... um, just take it. Read it, don't read it, throw it away. Uh, yeah whatever you decide, I understand."

Olivia,

Thank you for reading this. I know I don't even deserve that after everything. I don't really know where to start. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I know I screwed up, and I wish I could change things. You deserved an explanation and a goodbye, but I didn't trust myself. I knew how you would react. What you would say and the look on your face. You would've tried to stop me, and it would've worked. I just had to get out and not look back. I needed to clear my head and figure things out. At first I just needed space and I planned to see you again. But everything just went to shit. They put me in counseling after that last shooting but it wasn't helping. I just couldn't get that young girl out of my head, and I couldn't sleep. Then I lost my mom. You know we weren't close, but she was still my mother. Kathy and I split up because I was a goddamn miserable person to be around. I was drinking too much and I was angry at myself and everyone around me. I wanted nothing more than to run back to you, but I didn't want you to see me that way. You never had to, but you always put me back together when I fell apart. This was just too much. Something in me finally snapped when I came across an old photo of us. Even just from a picture, you still helped pick me up. I realized that I didn't want to be the man that I was. Eli deserved a father that was present. Kathy deserved that too. Everything seemed to fall back into place, and we moved to Italy shortly after that. I'll tell you more about it if you want.

I never expected this much time to pass without reaching out, but eventually it felt like too much time went by. I told myself that you moved on and you were happy and that I didn't want to jeopardize that. Truth is I was just being a selfish bastard. I was scared to face you and look into your eyes again after what I did. I knew you didn't need me anymore, but I was never ready to hear you say that. I'm still not. I understand that you need space to think and heal now that we've met again. I understand if you want me back out of your life. But I need you to know that I can't lose you again, Liv. I get it if you can't trust me not to leave you again. But I know myself. I know that now I've seen you again and looked into your eyes, maybe even felt your embrace that I will never walk away again. The job brought me back to New York, but you, Olivia Margaret Benson, are the reason I will choose to stay. Please let me prove that to you.

More than anything, congratulations. No one is more worthy of the recognition you're receiving tonight. You've earned it, and then some.

Elliot

She's had a lump in her throat ever since she read her name in his handwriting. Teardrops have made their acquaintance with the paper, smudging the ink in a few spots. She notices one splotch on the page isn't fresh, a dried swirl of blue in the word stay.

Damn him. That's the first thought to enter her mind. Damn him for leaving her. Damn him for coming back when she had finally adjusted to living without him.

And damn him to fucking hell for still having this control over her after an entire decade. She hates him for manipulating her emotions, and she hates herself even more for letting it happen.

She traces her index finger across his signature. Elliot. The slight indentation from the pen confirms that it's real. She's not imagining this letter, not projecting words onto a blank piece of paper. He really handed this to her, and she really bumped his hand when accepting it. Sure, she may have learned to live without him, but she would be lying to say she wanted to.

All these years she was given absolutely nothing, yet something deep inside of her never lost hope that one day, she would see his ghost. And her hand wouldn't pass through his figure, it would land. Maybe as a smack across his face. Maybe as an anchor while she collapses. Or maybe just the lightest touch to convince herself that he's there, just like that slight impression on his name.

Elliot's not coming back, Liv.

Yeah. Right.

Elliot's back. Kathy's dead. And while he and his kids are mourning the loss of their mother and wife, she's sitting here sobbing over a stupid letter written by a man who ignored her for ten years. Of course she's crying, but the reason being justifiable doesn't make it any less infuriating in her mind.

Breathe.

After wiping away the remnants of her tears, she folds the letter back up and stuffs it into the envelope. As soon as she tosses it into her desk drawer, a knock at the door resonates through her office.

No more time for tears.

To be continued.