Inspired by the song 24 Frames by Jason Isbell.
This is how you make yourself vanish into nothing
And this is how you make yourself worthy of the love
That she gave to you back when you didn't own a beautiful thing
OoOoOoOo
James probably should laugh at the unfairness of it all. Laugh or cry, he wasn't really sure anymore. Every emotion always seemed to get tangled up in each other these days, each one wrapping itself into a web and ensnaring him all at once.
He couldn't remember what it felt like to just feel happy. To just feel free, and calm, and joyful without it all being shadowed in worry and stress and sadness.
Even love felt like pain lately.
Each time James held Harry, it was as though his heart was breaking in his chest. Each time he looked at Lily, it was as though a knife was carving it out, like his heart wasn't fit to be in his body anymore. As though his body wanted to rip it out and give it to her like some sick gift, just to prove that it was still there, that he still had one and it was Lily's to keep.
Lily had become more withdrawn with every day that passed, more resigned, more hopeless. Despite being trapped in that godforsaken cottage under that godforsaken Fidelius Charm, James had never felt more lost.
Lily had always been his compass, his rock, his guiding star long before he even realised it. She was the constant in his life. Reliable and predictable. To be teased, to be chased, ignored by, spat at, argued with.
She was always there. On the next desk, the otherside of the common room, the back of the Great Hall. Just there, a fiery blaze in the corner of his eye. James had barely noticed it if he was telling the truth.
Until one day, she wasn't. She wasn't in the corner of his eye or at the back of the room anymore.
Suddenly she was in the center of it all and she hadn't even moved.
James never did work out what changed. What the moment was, the one big thing that made him fall in love with Lily Evans. He just was, and that was it.
And it was as though his whole world had shifted, as though gravity had moved and suddenly everything was tethered to her. James' lifeline was wrapped around her little finger.
It terrified him. Absolutely and completely terrified him.
James couldn't run from it, couldn't hide or deny it (though, by the gods, he had tried). Maybe it would wear off, fade away, maybe the rope would slacken, and he wouldn't feel so helplessly trapped by Lily Evans.
But they didn't. So he became brave. If he couldn't run from her, maybe he could win her instead? Maybe then he would realise that this wasn't love (even though he knew it probably was really), that it was just a crush, a fleeting desire.
But the rope just became tighter, and James stopped trying to win her. Because somehow he realised he couldn't win her. She couldn't be won or bribed or tricked into seeing him. She was a force, a gravitational pull, tethering him to the world. You couldn't win something so fundamental, so core to living.
So James stopped trying to win her and instead tried to make himself worthy of her. Just worthy enough to stand next to her, worthy enough for her to give him a moment of her time. And with each passing day, James became more and more scared as he realised just what it felt like to be in love and all the terror and heartache that came along with it.
And then one day, she took his hand. As if it was nothing, as if it was something she had done a thousand times before. But to James, it was as though the world dropped beneath his feet and he was flying, soaring and tumbling and no longer tethered to Lily Evans but flying with her.
The first time she kissed him, it was as though he had just learned how to breathe.
And James realised there was more to love than fear. There was joy there too, unimaginable happiness and wonder and laughter.
When Harry came along, James wondered how on earth so much love could fit inside his chest.
James thanked every god in the heavens for letting it.
He didn't thank them now, James thought, as he stood in the doorway, staring down the barrel of a wand.
He could hear Lily screaming, her feet thumping up the stairs hammering out the thudding of his heart.
James shouldn't laugh; you should never laugh in the face of Death. But he couldn't help it. It was all some twisted joke, it had to be. That this was how it ended, after everything they had been through. All the hiding, the protections, the isolations. The loneliness and sacrifice.
What had it all been for then? What was the point?
What was the point of love if it just led to this?
Distantly, James noticed that he wasn't afraid. Maybe this was what bravery was; seven years a Gryffindor and three years of war, and only now was he beginning to understand what it felt like to be brave.
He was not afraid. He would greet Death standing on his feet, strong and proud and unmoving in the path of those he needed to protect. There was no question.
If he had to die, then he would do it protecting Lily. He would make Lily proud; he would not back down. He would make himself worthy of the love that she gave to him, and he would do this for her.
And if he had to do it a thousand times over, he would do that too.
OoOoOoOo
You thought God was an architect, now you know
He's something like a pipe bomb ready to blow
And everything you built it's all for show, goes up in flames
In 24 frames
Thank you.