Prompt: They seemed to have moved past it, but unbeknownst to Donna, Harvey never stopped wondering how exactly did he love her. Five times Harvey found an answer to that question, and the one time he found hers.
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"I said it because I love you, and I wanted you to know it."
"Love me how?"
"What does that have to do with-"
"Love me how?"
He didn't find it in him to give her the answer she was looking for that night.
His eyes simply strayed away from her, only to have it return a few seconds later, with a look that tells her everything and nothing at the same time.
The events that followed happened in a blur to Harvey.
She accused him of being afraid to risk anything for a chance of them.
He tried to tell her again how he loved her, but was cut off with her goodbye and an I love you that he couldn't quite comprehend up until now.
She left his desk.
He had panic attacks after one of their fights.
He started seeing a therapist.
And then they slowly found their ways back to each other.
The forsaken conversation was silently thrown into their secluded box of things to never mention again. They seemed to have moved past it, she seemed to have moved past it.
But he never did.
His mind never left that night, and in more than one occasion over the next few years, he found himself still wracking his mind about her question. How he loved her.
.
one
"I know you said I can't do this anymore, but I need to talk to you."
He knew that despite trying to be back on decent terms after their worst fallout to date, he was still treading a fine line with Donna. And seeking her, standing right outside of her doorstep at this hour, wearing his heart on his sleeve hoping she'd see through him and know how badly he needed to have this conversation with her wasn't exactly something Harvey was certain he had the right to do.
It only took a single look at him for Donna to figure him out and his plans. Stepping into her apartment, a sense of both familiarity and a feeling akin to approaching a forbidden territory washed over him.
But he didn't let his mind wander to the last few times he'd been here. Not when they obviously had more pressing matters to deal with.
"Why aren't you talking to Dr. Agard about this?"
"Because that was about business and this is personal."
"No, Harvey. You didn't go to her because you know she won't try to talk you out of this, but I will."
And wasn't that the never ending cycle in their 12-year whatever-it-was relationship?
He would formulate a plan, thinks it's what could save the world, until she calls him out and his time for bargaining or letting his pride get in the way is over. He's way past accepting that, more often than not, she knew how to live his life better than he did.
Harvey never entrusted his every move to anyone else. Yes, he might follow some of Jessica's words of advice when the situation calls for it. He might have also found a new confidante in Mike— but he'd only shown them the Harvey that he needed them to see. Not the side of him that even his new found therapist would have a hard time discerning.
"Because... it's my goddamn fault!"
He loves that she's one of the few people (if not the only one) he can be vulnerable around, that he can be less hesitant in admitting his faults when it's Donna listening.
"But I don't want you to do that… because I think you're worthy… And I don't wanna lose you."
"Like I have faith in you."
He remembers Jessica telling him once that what he had with Donna was as close as two people can be without being that, and it's been proven true time and time again.
No relationship label can ever do them justice. One can even say that everything they've shared was way beyond what people in romantic entanglements could possibly offer to their significant others.
All Harvey knows, for sure, is that their unwavering trust and loyalty to each other is what lead them to wherever they are now, and wherever they might be in the future.
He notices tears pooling in her eyes and takes it as his cue to leave; not wanting to give himself a chance to dwell into something that couldn't matter any less at this moment.
She sees him out, speaking some last few words of her own that would hopefully wake him up from his guilt, and a part of him almost regrets even stepping a foot away from her apartment.
Whatever kind of love Harvey had for Donna, may it be in a platonic or romantic sense — it leads him to her during moments like this; when time is running out and he feels like his world is about to crumble… when he needs someone to remind him that his worth is beyond what he presumes, even when he doesn't realize that he needs to hear it.
.
two
"Donna, you can't leave me."
"I'm not leaving you, Harvey. I just don't work for you."
"That's leaving me."
He wakes up gasping for the life of him that morning.
It's not the first time he dreamed of her, though he'd never dare admit how often it happens and what they're made of.
But this is different. Not the kind of dream he can so easily sweep under the rug then go on with his day.
He usually knew better than to focus on the idea of her leaving him again, but with all that's been happening at the firm and Jessica stepping down— he finds himself unable to leave bed, subconsciously searching for something that would reassure him about what's real and what's not.
He feels an unwelcome void within him make itself known.
He's not sure if the dream was meant to tell him things that's not just Donna, as his therapist would try to imply a few hours or days later.
"You wanna be alone?"
"No."
But just as he's proved about 12 hours prior… when she took the liberty to stand beside him, like she always did… and once again as he strides into his office now, walking past her cubicle along the way, Harvey realizes— not for the first time— that he could lose everything and everyone, and he'd be well enough to go on for as long as he knew he could still reach out to her anytime.
He loved her in a way that she could unknowingly fill every void within him, driving away any hint of self-doubt and loneliness before he even recognizes the presence of such.
.
three
If there was one person who had every bit of reason and courage to speak of his family, it was Donna.
Far from being a self-proclaimed family man, Harvey rarely brought up his family to any conversation. The same reason why up until now he's not really sure what urged him to introduce them to Donna, not that she ever met them. But the notion that she knew about them more than anyone else in his life did is enough to claim that she's the closest person he let enter that part of his life.
And so it no longer surprises him when after a decade of tip toeing over the delicate topic, she eventually succeeds in convincing him to make things right with his mother.
Tone soft and unforceful, but with eyes that held so much trust in his being the good man she'd always known he was, she gave him the last push he needed to get on the plane and face the inevitable.
"Why now?"
"Someone very special to me convinced me that I needed to"
Lily didn't feel the need to pry more details, but deep down Harvey formed a small trace of hope that one day he'd get to introduce the two most important women in his life to each other.
He went home with a new painting, asked Donna to help him hang it perfectly.
They stood side by side, looking into one of his most prized possessions, silently sharing his milestone with her.
"How'd it go?"
"It went well."
And then his brother's divorce came up and he had to fly again to Boston.
Despite the change of scenery, the day wasn't all too far from his usual. Although even if it was, it no longer mattered as soon as he settled in his hotel room, picked up his phone and dialed her number.
"Let me guess: you fixed everything and you're calling me to tell Robert that you'd be back in the morning."
"Okay, mind reader."
"I'm glad you went."
"To tell you the truth, it was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. I swear it took a piece of me, Donna."
"Or you could look at it like you chose to give a piece of yourself."
"Thank you, Donna."
Things got messy, he did what he did best, and at the end of the day he'd tell her if everything worked out or not. Same as his everyday routine.
Anyone who ever came across Harvey Specter knew you'd be lucky to have him open up about anything personal, or admit that some things aren't always so easy to have your hands on, even for New York City's best closer.
Then again, Donna was the exception to a lot of things. And he was grateful to have that kind of honest relationship with her, and for every moment that she proved his decision right to entrust a piece of himself to her.
She's become his better half and he's hers, even when they were still years away from accepting that it is what they're bound to be for the rest of eternity.
He loved her in a way that he's willing to involve her in his family and have them know how important she is to him, too.
She was his family, and that means a lot more than when he says the same thing about Jessica or Louis or anyone else.
He loved her in a sense that being miles away wouldn't stop him from wanting Donna to be the first person he'd share a good or bad news with, and preferably the last person he'd see and the last voice he'd hear, as well, in every day end.
.
four
He had no idea what she went through, what or who pushed that button that has never been accessible nor visible before, not even to Donna herself.
"I'm sorry, Harvey."
What was she even apologizing for?
Allowing herself to kiss him, years after she insisted they should never allow it again? Let alone mention anything that would make it real?
For her odd timing to pull something like this; well-aware that he was involved with someone else, of his issues with infidelity, after telling Harvey that she was happy for him?
For giving in to her needs and putting herself first— one thing that shouldn't really be but was a rare occurrence in their relationship?
Or could she have been apologizing for finally becoming aware of how she felt for him? For coming around with the bittersweet realization that she loved him more than as a brother, or a cousin, or a colleague, or just another person that she feels safe and comfortable with?
For knowing that she loved him more than they'd ever allow themselves to?
He doesn't know what pushed her to do it.
He hadn't picked up the slightest hint of a broken heart when he told her he was seeing Paula.
He hadn't known that it bothered her, similar to how he felt around her ex-boyfriends before, even so that she wanted to be happy for him but couldn't make all the pieces fit.
He wasn't there when she fell into a desperate loophole; caving into the need to feel wanted and be seen in ways Harvey never dared to… walking into a hotel that almost bore witness to the greatest regret of her life. Something Donna Paulsen would've definitely apologized for.
He didn't hear Mike try and convince her that speaking her feelings into existence could be worth the price.
"Tell Harvey how you feel."
"Two people have to want to be together to be happy. Harvey and I don't wanna be together."
"Are you sure?"
He didn't hear Louis contemplate his own emotional turmoil in front of her, or see how rattled Donna was as she hanged onto every word…
"We were together again and it felt just like it did before except that it wasn't, because she wasn't mine."
"And since then, I've been counting the days until my soulmate marries someone else, and walks out of my life forever."
…Washing away every other thought in mind, until suddenly all that mattered was him and them and finding herself some much needed clarity.
"I know she's with another man, Donna. I know she says that she loves him."
He hadn't felt the same sense of being lost, defeated, cornered, out of time… every bit of emotion that she did feel in the few seconds that she was left alone in her office.
"But all I wanna do is just say to her: can't she see? The man she was meant to be with is standing right in front of her face."
He was uncertain if that kiss was meant to heal what they've wasted, or simply break them for good.
"I should have told her when I had the chance, but that's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life."
All Harvey's certain of is that, until that night in her office, he'd never seen her look so trapped in some sort of daze — like she wasn't even in control of her body, of the emotions that flashed on her face, of the hands she used to hold him that lingered longer than they usually did, usually should.
Truth is, there was no denying that there was more to it.
Right before rationality dawned on him again, before he let anger seep into his system, before he remembered that they weren't meant to be that and this was the worst possible timing for them because he did have someone waiting for him at home-
There was a pool of emotions all so new to him, Harvey could hardly recognize what they were.
But they were there, somewhere deep within his soul, a part he'd rather not be aware of. Not for now.
He felt something different.
He felt everything.
And despite prolonging his denial, through the way he responds to her kiss in the days that followed, that was the night Harvey Specter knew that he loved her with his everything.
.
five
"It was one mistake, Harvey. One. In thirteen years, and now I'm gonna lose my job because of it?"
"I thought we were over that."
He wanted to tell her that they were indeed past it… because behind every anger and distrust that he might've shown her — deep down he's more than convinced that she's truly sorry for what she's done, and maybe even after he forgave her, she still carried some residual guilt for almost ruining their friendship and his relationship.
And no matter the cost nor the reason, knowing she's been going on the misery of self-blame was something he'd never want to allow. She was Donna, after all.
"I want you to be there for me now like I've been there for you every single day."
"Then why didn't you stand up for me?"
Because Paula wouldn't even be in the picture if he didn't feel the need to run away from his feelings that screamed her.
He thought things were going steady. He thought he finally had it in him to fully commit and not ruin a relationship with his being emotionally unavailable. He thought he now had someone who wasn't her, but could be. Someone who can see him the way she did. Someone that wasn't Donna but was good enough for him.
But then she just had to kiss him, shattering the entire facade he's managed to build in the last few months.
Everything happened all too fast for Harvey's liking.
A letter of resignation awaited him on his desk.
He checked her office and it was almost empty.
He started running after her before he could even comprehend all that was happening, before he could even consider every possibility at that very hour.
He found himself at Paula's, putting an end to a relationship he'd once had so much hope for, inflicting pain to yet another woman in his life.
The world was closing in on him but as much as he hated to admit it, he felt some sort of freedom as he left his now ex-girlfriend's place.
And as always, he ends up wherever Donna was.
"Are you okay?"
"Will you come back?"
"Yes."
"Then I'm okay."
He almost wanted her to lash out at him, to let him know the real gravity of the hurt and betrayal she received from him that night.
He wanted to come in when she offered.
He wanted to tell her too many things, he could no longer grasp what they were. Words suddenly leaving him and now unable to be found.
But it was all still too much for the both of them.
One thing became clear to him, though, as he walked away again from her doorstep that night, and recalled where this entire mess rooted from and how they came to this.
Harvey loved her, even at times when he tried his best not to.
.
six
The day was close to an end. In one way, he could say he won that hearing with the ethics board. But the expense that was his friend's license makes him doubt the winning part.
It doesn't help, as well, that there's still a not so distant fight that keeps ringing in his ears.
"Because you didn't give me a chance to fix it when you said you would!"
"You lost faith in me. For all the times that we have been together that has never happened."
"Harvey, if there's anyone in the world I have faith in… it's you."
The gradual fall of her face when he voiced out what really had him agitated remains clear as day in his mind. To him, it seemed like even Donna, herself, couldn't fathom what was going on between them, that she actually did something to make him feel the way he did at that second.
He tried to put the thought of it out of his mind, rather focusing on how high the stakes were if he ever lost this case. He would be risking her, and by now there's already a silent understanding between them that risking her also means risking himself.
He'd have time to figure out that part.
He'd have time to confront her (if he can).
He just needed to save both of them first.
Although he probably should've expected it, Donna not answering his calls after the hearing only left him more worried. He had no idea where to go, where they were now heading after all that had just transpired.
He does the most logical course of action first and decides to check on Samantha, neither of them having any clue that it's what would lead him to his next and final destination.
That it's the start of finding his ground and a meaning to everything.
"He believed in me. He was the only one who ever did that."
"The only one who saw who I was; all my baggage, all my flaws."
"He didn't just accept me. He loved me."
"It's not easy to find someone like that in this world."
Harvey has been certain for a while now that he did, but it was at that moment that he knew and that he accepted another once inaccessible truth — Donna Paulsen loved him, too.
And suddenly, gone were the days when he lived with no direction.
Because for the first time in his life, Harvey Specter knew where he was meant to be.
He succumbs to the adrenaline brought by the clarity he's finally allowed himself to have and eventually finds himself impatiently knocking at her apartment.
He didn't have to tell me, I read it on his face.
He would spend the rest of his life telling her how exactly he loved her, reassuring her each time she may doubt what they're just about to have, doing anything and everything to make her feel the love he'd long forbidden himself to show her.
But for now, they'll simply bask in the moment of being together again in the way they've always craved, surrendering the need to convey their love for each other in every touch.