This story takes place shortly after "Equinox."

I Forgive You

I stand in the darkness of the ready room, staring out at the stars. On all other days, they have always provided a certain kind of meditative peace to me, but not tonight. They streak endlessly by, carrying my thoughts along with them. I know it is only a matter of time before he finds me, but I need these few moments of silence to fully assess the last few days. I was blinded, and I have no excuse for what I have done. Tonight, the stars cannot purge the depths of my guilt and give me solace.

The doors slide open, but luckily, the bridge is as deserted and dark as my heart. No light invades my musings. He walks quietly, but I can feel his presence. He is unsure of what he is doing. Rather, he is unsure of me and how I may react, so he shifts his weight backwards ever so slightly as he stops moving. I don't see any of this, but I know. We've been in this situation far too many times. It pains me to realize that I am the cause of his quiet suffering and uncertainty once again.

At length, he speaks. "Kathryn."

He says my name so softly. I expected the greeting to be rougher, in a tone more fitting to the gulf I've laid between us. I can't trust myself to answer or face him yet, and I hear his gentle footfalls take him closer to me. He is standing at my shoulder. I can feel the heat from his body filling the narrow space between us. The gesture is so familiar that it only makes my eyes sting more, and I turn my head slightly away to hide that small display of weakness. I have missed feeling him there, but I know that I am the one who had pushed him away.

"Kathryn," he says again.

That deep voice is so full of his care and loyalty. Why is he so good to me? I am so underserving of the comfort he pours out to me willingly.

"I'm no better than he was," I whisper finally. It is barely audible, but he is so attentive, and he knows me so well that I am sure he hears me. "I let my emotions control me. I sold that crew out to those aliens from anger, Chakotay. I led the manhunt that caused their deaths."

He tenses slightly, but still, he tries to calm my soul by reasoning, "You were in a difficult place. The aliens would have broken Voyager down just like the Equinox, eventually. Ransom kidnapped two of your crewmembers and left the rest of us without protection."

"I let myself play judge and jury. I let myself decide who deserved to live and who should die," I reply. My voice is raspy, trembling like every inch of my body.

"Kathryn…" he starts, but he can't finish. He knows I am right, and he can feel my grief over the loss of even the most treacherous Equinox officers who died today. There are no words that can contradict me.

"I almost murdered a man," I continue, "and I punished you for saving him. I punished you for stopping me from doing something awful that I would never be able to reverse."

He sighs, "Your heart was always in the right place. With Voyager and your crew." He looks out to try and find the place I have been staring at.

"I'm not so sure," I murmur. My heart feels very dark and lost right now. "I tried so hard to convince myself that I had Voyager's best interests at heart, but you were right. It wasn't just about saving Seven or protecting the ship. It was a personal vendetta. I was chasing him to make him pay for abandoning the truths and principles I have struggled all these years to hold onto, but I couldn't see that. If only I had listened to you."

My crew is exhausted. I could see the slight drag on their footfalls and the dark circles under their eyes at Neelix's potluck this evening. My rage over Ransom has taken its toll on them.

The floor wants to fall out from under me. It wants to let a chasm swallow me and the dead weight of my conscience rather than hold me up. I sink down onto the couch for more support than my shaky legs can offer, and he follows. We are quiet for a long time. His hand is on my shoulder, and we contemplate the stars together.

I close my eyes, and I see the warp plasma streaming from Ransom's broken ship. I can see that penitent look in his eyes as he told me to get my crew home. Of all the things he could have said, that was it. Promise me you'll get them home. I feel the warmth from Chakotay's hand running slowly back and forth across my shoulders as I bend over to bury my head in my hands. Why can't I find any peace?

My mind keeps drifting back to the cargo bay. I tied up a Starfleet officer and left him to die. Where did these tactics of interrogation come from? What made his life so meaningless to me in that moment? I never knew I was capable of such deep evil.

My thoughts wander on to the briefing room, where Chakotay confronted me. I looked him in the eye and told him that he left me no choice. How often had I heard those same words leave Ransom's lips? Then you leave me no choice.

I banished this wonderful first officer of mine, who gave up both his ship and his captaincy to save Voyager from the very beginning and submit to my authority, and he was banished willingly. This man, who always puts my needs above his own and lightens my burdens, remains so loyal. He sits with me when he has every reason to abandon me; he comforts me when the consequences of my actions come to haunt me. He shows me such great care, deep friendship, and yes, even true love that persists when I have never acknowledged it.

I said those words to him, of all people. You leave me no choice.

Would you have done any differently? Ransom's questions echo in the excruciating silence as my accusations to him come forward through time to attack me. I was tested, and I failed to do any better.

Guilt knows I am familiar with him. He has carved me out from the inside hour by hour, day by day. Why does he follow me wherever I go? A muffled sob escapes my lips, and I let Chakotay draw me into his embrace. Through that small pressure around me, he will try to stop me from shattering into millions of sorrowful pieces, and I am eternally grateful for that.

He bends his head down over mine. Softly, I hear him whisper in my ear, "I forgive you, Kathryn."

The pain will continue into the next day, week, and perhaps month, but somehow, with those small words washing over my heart, I believe, for the first time, that I will make it through the night. We will rebuild what I have broken, and it will be stronger than before.

There were so many parallels between Voyager and the Equinox, specifically between Janeway and Ransom, but the one that was most profound to me happened with the dedication plaques. There are a couple of clips on YouTube, one about the Equinox's plaque and one about Voyager's plaque.

The Equinox's dedication plaque had fallen, and so had Ransom. When the two captains found it, Janeway said, "It's a good sign. Let's put it back up where it belongs."

At the very end of "Equinox," Janeway finds Voyager's dedication plaque in the metal wreckage on the bridge, and she says, "All these years, all these battles. This thing's never fallen down before." Chakotay tells her, "Let's put it back up where it belongs."

Voyager's dedication plaque had fallen for the first time, and her captain had fallen along with it. In this story, I wanted to explore how someone helped her up as well.

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