I wrote this fanfic for three reasons: venting about some of my own issues as a nonbinary person, the simple fact that I hadn't written about Claire in a while, and spite. Why spite? Well, about a week ago, I logged into my old yahoo account and found that an anonymous reviewer kept on complaining about how I use ae/aer pronouns for when I decide to specify that Claire is nonbinary in a fic, as opposed to they/them or she/her pronouns. Guys, don't do this. Ae/aer pronouns were first used in 1920 (and if you don't believe me then look up Spivak Pronouns on wikipedia), and even if they weren't that old then one should still respect pronouns (especially for real people, though if this person is complaining about my pronoun choice for a fictional wizard I worry about how they'd treat real people who use neopronouns).
Content/Spoiler Warning: This fic contains isolation, hopelessness, implied/referenced self harm, introspection on misgendering and death
Claire wrapped aer arms around aerself and winced as even through the fabric ae could feel just how frozen aer hands were. That was the problem with having small, thin fingers. Aer circulation was pretty bad in aer hands. Sometimes, when aer nail polish was chipped, Claire's could see how the natural color of aer nails changed to a pastel blue-violet tone, as opposed to the healthy pink that aer nails were supposed to be.
Speaking of supposed to be, where was Jim? He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago. Claire fought the urge to check aer phone again. He would be here any minute now, and if he had gotten caught up in some sort of trollhunting business, he wouldn't be able to tell aer at the time. But, ae was tempted to go find a bench and pull out aer homework. That way, ae could at least do something useful instead of just waste aer energy shivering and feeling anxious.
Ae shouldn't be so anxious. They had saved the world years ago, and aside from the occasional goblin nest or gnome uprising there hadn't been any problems. Jim had retrieved the stone that allowed him to walk in the daylight, and had found out that he didn't have to actually change as much about his diet as he had planned. It was small things, like coating his salad in dressing and eating his steak rare. The supernatural world was at peace. Morgana was dead and would never be able to hurt anyone ever again. But, sadly, Claire had been diagnosed with anxiety long before ae had learned the truth about the creatures that lurked in the shadows. Ae sighed before walking over to the nearest bench. It was warm underneath the late January sunbeam. Ae pulled out aer phone, but ae didn't check the time. Ae placed an earbud in each of aer ears, reaching up at the same time to run one of aer hands through the fade of aer hair before reaching the curly faux hawk at the top and curling aer fingers into it. Perhaps it couldn't be considered a proper fade, not anymore, not when Claire had decided to let it grow out for the winter months so the chill wouldn't permeate so directly into aer skull.
Claire let aerself become pulled into the loud rock music blasting from their earbuds as ae pulled out a textbook from aer backpack and began to read. Ae didn't notice anyone approach aer until a blue, four-fingered hand stopped aer from turning the page.
"Oh," Claire said, pulling out aer earbuds. Aer boyfriend stood in front of aer, one hand behind his back. "There you are."
"Yeah, sorry," Jim said. "Mom was trying to cook and, well, it was going well until the kitchen towel started catching fire. But, I have something to make up for it!" He thrust his arm out from behind his back, revealing the bouquet of violets.
"Jim, I, thank you," Claire said, tracing the softness of the flowers.
He smiled down at aer. "Of course, anything for my handsome Juliet."
"You wouldn't happen to have a vase or anything, would you?"
Jim scratched the base of his horns sheepishly and opened his mouth, probably to say that no, he hadn't planned that far ahead for their date.
And ae woke up.
All of Claire's dreams were bad dreams. Some of them were memories, and they happened more often if Claire fell asleep in front of the haunted TV that showed all of the times that ae had been scared. Some of them were an amalgamation of horrible things that ae had heard about and things that Morgana had done or intended to do to her victims.
The worst type of dream, though, was neither of those two. No, the worst type of dream wasn't bad when it was happening. It was a wonderful, beautiful, pleasant escape from the horrible reality that Claire had doomed aerself to. Ae would wake up in the Shadow Realm and know that Jim was dead and everyone assumed that Claire was dead as well. That their beloved friend had died to save the world. Or worse, their beloved daughter or sister.
Claire had died before ae had come out to anyone except for Enrique. It was after Jim had rescued aer brother from the Darklands, but before Morgana had taken a hold on Claire's body and mind. Well, a stronger hold than Claire merely just using the Shadow Staff.
Ae had been alone, and ae had started talking to him. Practicing how ae'd come out to aer friends and family and boyfriend, even though ae hadn't been ready. Enrique was the only one who knew who Claire really was, and he was a baby. He wouldn't understand, and he wouldn't remember Claire talking to him, and he would grow up hearing about the sister he once had who never actually existed in the way everyone thought Claire had.
(There was a possibility that there was one other person who knew the truth about Claire, but ae didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about how the woman who called Claire Child instead of Daughter might be doing so as a sign of some horrible mimicry of respect. Really, Claire would have rather have had aer bodily and spiritual autonomy respected and be misgendered than for Morgana to respect that Claire wasn't a girl but then turn around and treat aer like ae wasn't a person, just a weapon.)
Enrique wouldn't remember his older sibling's monologues about aer gender frustration. Perhaps it was for the best. Claire hadn't been meaning to actually tell aer brother, or else ae would have gone to NotEnrique instead, because out of the two brothers ae had the changeling was the one who actually knew more than ten words. It was just easier to talk to a listening ear than aer stuffed animals or a mirror (and that was before mirrors were a reminder of aer trauma). It had been practice for something terrifying that Claire would never have to do. Never get to do. Hadn't been ready to do. Ae had never gotten around to deciding upon a more specific label than nonbinary. Between the dread that came with the possibility of someone finding aer trying to do research, and all of aer responsibilities, ae had never really had the time. And of course, ae knew that their were plenty of people who didn't want a more specific label, but ae wanted one. Ae wanted a more specific label, if only so ae could list out all the reasons and point to something that explained that Claire wasn't the only one. And instead, ae had waited too long and no one would know.
The trolls would have probably reacted well, since trollish gender was rather different than human gender. Jim and Toby probably would have been okay with aer as well, since they had reacted well to aer being bi and they were respectively bi and pan themselves.
Mary and Darci? Back in middle school, Darci had followed Claire to a few GSA meetings but as far as Claire knew she was there as an ally. And while Claire had seen the way that Mary sometimes looked at Shannon, Mary had never done anything else to indicate that she was anything other than straight and cis.
Aer parents? Claire knew that they loved aer. Besides, they wouldn't have thrown aer out, if only because Ophelia was a politician on the left end of the political spectrum. But, aer family was Catholic, and ae wasn't even out to them as bisexual, and that was at least something they might believe aer on. Aer dad might even be more relaxed if Claire had a (cis) girlfriend than with any boy ae could date, trollhunter or otherwise. And if aer dad was on aer side, then maybe he could convince aer mom to accept that their child was bisexual. Maybe, considering just how many arguments Claire had had with aer mom about how Claire couldn't be her perfect daughter. How could Claire possibly convince aer parents that ae wasn't their daughter at all? Granted, there was the possibility that they'd be to ecstatic to care about the gender binary when Claire escaped -
No. Ae was never going to escape the Shadow Realm.
Ae slipped out of bed, undoing one of aer long white braids. It had always had the tendency to get horrifically tangled, and that was before aer magic made it so aer hair moved in an otherwise imaginary hurricane. It would tangle enough to make aer cry. Braids were easier. Braids, or short enough hair that Claire wouldn't have to worry about it tangling, but ae didn't trust aerself with blades so close to aer own skin.
Ae had mastered walking around aer house as silently as possible. Perhaps ae had become a shadow of aerself here. Silent, and trying not to cause a stir, not to draw attention to aerself.
Claire gazed out aer window to the dark landscape of the Shadow Realm. Morgana was out there.
Or, maybe, ae had become more of aerself here. The shadows obeyed aer will, after all. So had the Shadow Staff. Aer will, and not Morgana's. It had been so surprisingly easy to steal away the scepter of the Eldritch Queen. Perhaps it had been seeking a monarch as shadowy as itself.
Ae hadn't had the time for researching and trying to find the perfect label to describe their gender. Now, ae had nothing but time to think and solitude to not worry about someone walking in on aer research. Now, ae had no access to anything that could give aer answers. Ae had tried, but there wasn't a WiFi connection in the Shadow Realm. Ae couldn't look anything up online, and it wasn't like there were any books in the Nuñez household to help aer find the perfect word to describe aer gender.
And yet, Claire felt that ae could call their gender a shadowy void and ae would be incredibly accurate.
A/N: Is Jim actually dead in this? Probably not; Claire is probably just making an assumption because the last time ae saw aer boyfriend he had just jumped in the way of a magical blast that had been meant to take out Claire and aer friends.