Chapter 1
The writer had a hard time writing this. There it is, I warned you!
This takes place right after the S3 episode "Visions and Voices".
Rex walked around the base, looking for Kanan. The last two weeks he'd barely seen the jedi master at all. Finally, he found him sitting on the floor, just a few feet away from the giant spiders. He was kneeling on the ground, probably meditating, like he'd been doing the last few days. Rex doubted he slept at all.
"Hey Kanan," Rex announced his arrival.
"Hello Rex," the jedi said, not even bothering to turn around. Rex sighed and scratched the back of his neck.
"Emm… commander Sato was wondering how you were doing." Kanan stirred.
"Tell him I'm fine," he snapped. Rex didn't think he was fine.
"Are you sure, Kanan? You seem more distanciated by the day."
"I said I'm fine!" Kanan growled, but there was a hint of sadness in his voice. Rex saw no other option but to leave.
"Come back, old buddy. The rebellion needs you," he murmured before leaving.
Kanan felt awful. He'd lost everything. The love of his life, the mandalorian he'd once called a daughter, his little padawan who had to grow up in this madness with the Empire, his brother the Lasat, the most annoying droid he'd ever met…. Even the Ghost, the only home he'd ever known, was gone. Kanan wasn't fine at all.
He felt like crying. Actually, he had already cried. A lot. He just did it when no one was watching. How can one lose their family twice? Kanan wanted to give up. Screw the rebellion, his whole family was dead. And there was no one he blamed more than himself.
Why did I let them go? I stayed behind simply because I thought the mission was boring. That's not what a jedi should do. I could've saved them!
Kanan's only peace came when he was meditating. At least there he could feel them, their strong spirits that worked so hard to destroy the Empire, only to be killed by it. If Kanan didn't meditate, he was sure he'd be crying all the time. Rex was right, he most certainly wasn't fine.
Kanan started crying uncontrollably. He hadn't even gotten to see Hera again! And now he'd never have the chance to tell her his feelings for her. He'd never again watch the kids create a mess around the base. He'd never again get to smell Zeb's fur. He'd never again get to fight with Sabine like the old Jedi vs Mandalorian wars. He'd never again get to teach Ezra anything. He'd never again get to hear them banter like 5 year-olds. And he'd never ever get to say to Hera "I love you".
Kanan continued crying for a long time, unconcerned about all the people who passed by and saw him. They hadn't lost everything. They didn't know what true suffering was. But Kanan did.
"Stand up love," Kanan heard Hera's voice on his mind, "It's not your fault." Now I'm really going crazy, thought Kanan. This was a product of his imagination.
"You did everything you could, like a true jedi would," Sabine's voice said.
"We knew the risks," Zeb's voice came next, "You knew them too."
"Don't give up on hope, Kanan," Ezra's voice said, "You can continue fighting."
"Do it for us," Sabine said.
"For me," Hera's voice said. Kanan couldn't stand it anymore.
"Stop, stop!" he cried. They were gone. They were gone. They were gone.
What would they want me to do? Kanan thought suddenly. They wouldn't want me to spend my days crying. Hera would want him to keep fighting for the rebellion. Sabine would want him to kick the Empire's butt. Zeb would want to smash some stormtrooper's helmets. Chopper would want him to kill all of the Empire's droids, one by one. Little Ezra would want him not to give up.
Kanan stood up. He would continue fighting. For them. For Hera. And once the Empire was defeated, he'd lay down and join them.
Kanan smiled for the first time in two weeks. All for them. All for my family.
Because, for them, he'd do it all.