He was so fucking stupid. Why would he ever give an honest answer to that question? He knew it would lead to this, because the second that he wasn't dapper Blaine who has his life together, something was wrong.
He won't deny that when anybody else notices a difference in his behavior, something is more wrong, but it's not like there's ever a time when something is not wrong, in fact, everything is always wrong. Things had been worse than usual in the past few days, though. Blaine could feel the difference, the difference between his brain yelling profanities at him and his brain just stopping. No thoughts, just wallowing and never wanting to stop wallowing. Just nothing; the worst possible thing, nothing.
He really should have been expecting Wes to ask him how he was, Wes had been eyeing him oddly all of Warblers practice after all, but Blaine hadn't thought of a response to the inevitable question. He had just sat there running his fingers over a scar on his wrist. It was his favorite one; not visible unless you looked closely, yet so damn satisfying to run his fingers over. So when Wes had approached him and asked if he was okay, he had just decided to give the honest answer.
"I- no, I'm not okay."
He had stayed just long enough to see the concern cross Wes' face before he was stalking off down the hallway, blinking rapidly to try to keep his tears from spilling over.
He couldn't go to his dorm room; his roommate Jared would ask too many questions, so he made his way to the bathroom next to one of the history classrooms.
Blaine never let himself cry, well not so much did he never let himself cry, but he was never able to cry. He would feel the need to and would have a lump in his throat, and would get so close to being able to cry, but he would never quite reach the point where he could.
Today was different.
Today the tears wouldn't stop, they felt good rolling down his face, like he was creating something with his pain, even as unneeded as more tears were. Tears never got anybody anywhere, but at least they make you feel.
And feeling anything was better than that goddamned nothingness.
After a few minutes of the pure relief of tears falling down from his eyes, Blaine's phone buzzed.
He knew who it was immediately, and wanted to ignore it, but thought better of it when he realized that Wes would just come looking for him if he didn't answer his text, and the last thing Blaine needed was Wes seeing him like this.
From Wes to Blaine:
I don't really know what to say, but I want to be here for you. I care about you so much and just want you to be okay. If you want to talk, feel free to come to my dorm room. Whatever is going on, remember that you are so strong and that you can get through this.
The sweetness and the clear care that Wes so clearly put into that message made Blaine start to cry all over again.
Maybe he should be honest, he could tell Wes about everything. Having somebody who he could go to, who he could just be honest around, it would make things so much easier. He could take charge of his own life and just not need to deal with so much any more.
He just needed to type out his feelings.
From Blaine to Wes:
But what if I don't want to get through this?
What if I just want to wallow forever?
It would be so much easier, I could just stop.
I could just leave
I could just leave
I could just leave
I could just leave
I could just leave
I could just leave
I've wanted to
So many damn times
It would just be so easy
And I know that people would miss me
My mom
You
David
The rest of the Warblers
But I just don't care any more
Why should I
I'm sorry for dumping this on you
I just-
Blaine paused and looked at what he had typed.
He deleted it all.
To Wes from Blaine:
Thank you
I'll be fine
As he put his phone back in his pocket he felt it again.
Just nothing.