Remus woke up alone in bed on Valentine's day.
The sunlight streaming in through the one window in the bedroom was pesky rather than cheerful, and the cold and crisp air induced a melancholy blankness in him, all in sharp contrast to this day last year. Last year when he woke up to drowsy smiles and lazy kisses. Last year when he had been happy and in love despite the war raging around him.
He did not want to get off the bed. He did not want to be reminded of all the ways things had changed since last year.
His mind was an empty shell, weighing him down. His body hurt from the last moon a few days ago, which he'd spent with other werewolves just a few days back. That was the issue, Remus knew. It had all started with Sirius demanding to know about Remus' missions, and Remus refusing due to a combination of respect for Dumbledore and shame because of the nature of his missions.
He absolutely detested spending time with others of his kind, hated being reminded that he was one of them. He didn't really belong with those he called friends and he'd never really be one of them instead. He was a monster, a beast; a tame wolf, at best; and that was all he'd ever be.
He slowly made his way across the cold floor of the tiny flat he shared with Sirius, considering if he should move out. It wasn't like they were really together anymore, right? They hadn't officially broken up, but lately they were more like strangers sharing a flat. Sirius would make excuses so they weren't ever together alone in a room as much as he could, and even when they were, the silence was heavy and hostile. Which led to Remus avoiding Sirius too.
He couldn't tell how it began. He remembered Sirius had been acting weird around him a few months ago, being clingy and constantly telling him how much he loved him with an undercurrent of insecurity, an emotion which was rare in Sirius.
And then came the frequent staring, the accusing eyes. The awkward silences. Sirius would flinch whenever Remus touched him without warning. That hurt. Both of them had a complex relation to touch, Sirius because of his abusive parents, Remus due to the body that betrayed him time and time again. They were supposed to be each other's safe space. That they weren't anymore was a harsh blow to Remus' already low self-esteem.
The gap between them widened until Remus didn't know how to cross it. He wasn't sure if Sirius even wanted things to go back to the way it used to be. It seemed that somewhere along the line, Sirius had fallen out of love with him.
Which shouldn't be surprising, really. Remus knew he wasn't exactly a catch. He was broken, an outcast to both society and his own mind. He knew his self-hatred frustrated Sirius to no end, his lycanthropy was tiring at the best of times, and Remus himself had so many issues to work through that made him hard to be with. His mind, his body, his social standing, his future; all were painful to acknowledge and near impossible to change.
And Sirius had his own issues to sort through. He didn't need Remus' burdens added onto his.
The one part of Remus that was selfish said that that was exactly why they fell in love in the first place. They were both liable to break into pieces at any moment, but they always knew how to put each other back together. They got each other.
But it was undeniable that Sirius was no longer in love with him, no matter how much it hurt to think about it. The way Sirius actively avoided him without even pretending otherwise, the stares that were devoid of the soft gentleness that Remus was used to; it couldn't mean anything else. Maybe Sirius was trying to find a way to let Remus down lightly. With how well he knew Remus, he must know how pathetically in love he still was. Maybe Remus should just make things easier for the both of them and break up with Sirius himself.
Remus was still lost in these despondent thoughts when James found him (Remus had gotten used to his friends barging in without warning and was therefore not surprised), sitting at the dining table with a cup of coffee in hand that he barely remembered making.
"Hey, Prongs," he said, horrified to find his voice thin and shaky. He looked back at the mug in his hands, trying to blink away the tears discretely.
James ran a hand through his messy hair, taking in Remus' probably pathetic-looking figure. He pulled up a chair and sat down. "Remus." His voice held an emotion Remus couldn't place. "You can't keep going on like this, you know."
"Keep going on like what?" Remus asked absently, his mind still whirring with thoughts about Sirius. He'd thought he'd been doing a good job hiding his inner turmoil. He should have known. James was a genius when it came to knowing what his loved ones were feeling.
James didn't answer. Remus didn't look up, but he knew James was messing up his already messy hair again. Sirius was right: at this rate, James would be bald by the time he was in his thirties.
James sighed. "Did you have breakfast yet?"
"Yes," Remus lied.
"Alright, then come over to my place, Lily would love to see you and you can have lunch with us–"
"No!" Remus shook his head fervently. "You should spend today with Lily. I don't want to third-wheel. Spend the day with Lily, romance her, whatever. You should take her to that art gallery she was talking about the other day! She'd love that, you know, and–" He was desperately trying to think about anything but Sirius.
"Moony," James interrupted. His voice was achingly gentle. "You're rambling. I'll do all of that, but it'd be hard with Harry around."
"I can have him for the day," Remus said at once. "I'll come to your place, say hi to Lils and pick up Harry. I'm free today."
James smiled gratefully. "That'd be wonderful."
Remus wondered how James did it. All he had to do was say a few words and the darkness in the world suddenly seemed a few shades lighter. Taking care of Harry would distract Remus from his mind for a few hours, and James and Lily could both spend the day doing whatever happy couples did on Valentine's Day.
As though he'd just read his mind, James said, "I could try talking with him, you know."
"No," Remus said, horrified. He could only imagine how that would go. It would only reiterate to Sirius how pathetic Remus really was. No, that just wouldn't do. "There's no need for that. I'm going to talk with him today. I'm going to fix it, okay?"
James smiled his standard blinding grin. "That's great. Communication is the key." James got up and walked over to Remus, kissing him on his head. Remus felt so–so loved it hurt. "I can't wait for my two best friends to be okay again. And yes, I know you two aren't alright, but you're going to be, and that is what's important." He crinkled his eyes. "I'm leaving; you coming now? You won't believe everything I have planned for Lily. She's going to love it. Or hate it. But, well."
He strode towards the fireplace, smiling at Remus once more before disappearing in a flurry of green smoke and flames.
The warmth that had previously filled in Remus with James' words had disappeared. James thought things between Sirius and Remus were going to get better, when it was really the opposite that would happen. What would happen to the Marauders? That was one of the things James had been worried about when Remus and Sirius started dating.
Peter was already distant, his hands full with the war and his sick mother. After Remus broke up with Sirius, what would happen to their friendship? At best it'd be awkward, at worst he'd lose a friend forever. Either way, things would never be the same again. Would this be what finally shattered the Marauders?
Remus headed to the Floo, trying to rearrange his face into a convincing smile. As the green smoke parted Remus could see the cluttered mess that decorated the warm living room of the Potter household. The smell of burned food wafted over to him through the open doorway of the kitchen, and Remus could hear the familiar sound of arguing voices. He made his way over.
"I was away for, what, ten minutes? And you managed to burn the food in that time," James was saying.
"Well, you shouldn't have left in the middle of cooking something, yeah?" Lily shot back. "Two years of living with me should've made clear to you that I am not to be trusted in the kitchen, you can hardly blame me now."
Remus watched amusedly as they continued exchanging barbs with affection in their eyes the whole time. Lily had an arm around James' waist, with James' arm around her shoulders as they surveyed the charred food in front of them, judging from the smell.
He cleared his throat. "Am I interrupting anything?" He smirked.
The happy couple turned. "Remus," Lily said, grinning. "You're here right on time. James was going to make some of that delicious biriyani, and I've been dying to talk to you about that new comic." She pulled his arm as she made her way out of the kitchen. "Let's not loiter around in the kitchen, yeah? We shouldn't interrupt the artist in his element. We deserve the best of his culinary skills, I believe."
"This is not over!" James called out. "I will have my victory one day."
Remus laughed as Lily made a face. "What is he talking about?" he asked.
"He's got it into his head that he'll manage to teach me how to cook someday. I knew he was over-confident when I married the idiot, but I might've underestimated just how much. Well, I doubt he's going to succeed anyway." Lily smiled.
"I think you're underestimating him again," Remus told her. She scowled at him and muttered some rather unflattering words under her breath. As usual, she took advantage of any opportunity to swear. Remus suspected that Harry was going to grow up with quite a foul mouth.
As they sat in the cluttered living room, Remus reflected how glad he was that James was so relentless. A lesser person might've given up in trying to pull Remus out of his shell by now. In fact, if it weren't for James and Lily, he might've been completely lonely altogether. He'd been afraid his friends would grow away from him once they graduated school, and for the most part it was true. Now, the only friends he was in constant contact with was the young Potter family.
He was enjoying chatting with Lily about mundane matters, a pleasant reminder that not everything had changed. Enough had changed for it to hurt, but he was grateful for what he had left. He loved sitting here and spending time with one of his best friends, talking about anything and everything and pretending everything was alright. Still, Remus couldn't stop the constant stream of negative thoughts even as he laughed at a comment Lily made about a co-worker and her shenanigans at work.
What had happened to everyone else? He'd basically lost Sirius, he never saw Peter anymore, Marlene was dead, Dorcas was grieving. He used to be so happy. He remembered birthday parties, chaotic camping nights, or just plain hanging out, knowing he was surrounded by friends and laughter. What had happened to them?
"Remus." Lily's voice broke through his reverie. Green eyes were lit up with concern. "You alright?"
Remus hummed. She would be able to sniff out a lie faster than a bloodhound could catch a thief.
Lily scowled, her eyes narrowing to slits, and Remus noted in a back of his mind that he'd done nothing wrong, so she couldn't be angry at him. "Love, you know you can talk to us, right?" When Remus nodded, she said, frankly, "Cut out the bullshit. You're not okay. And as your friend, I'm supposed to help you, but some things you've got to do on your own, hm? James thinks you should talk to Sirius, but I don't think there's a point. If anything–"
"Wait," Remus said, startled. "You don't want me to talk to Sirius?" His surprise overwhelmed his need to avoid talking about the current topic.
"What? No." Lily made a face. "That man is so far gone there's no point talking to him. He's a–" She let out a litany of swears. "You deserve someone so much better, love, and I know you're in love with him, but honestly." She shook her head. "Both James and I have talked to him, and he's still not convinced, and I know it hurts, to hear someone you love say things like that. But don't you dare believe him, okay? You're perfect the way you are. You're too good for this world."
Remus blinked. "What has he been saying about me?"
Lily's eyes grew comically wide. "Uh. Er, nothing." She sighed. "Look, everything he says is bullshit, alright? It doesn't matter."
Remus wondered what Sirius had been saying about him. Would Sirius insult him behind his back? That didn't sound like something he'd do. But why would Lily lie?
Remus chest hollowed. Maybe it was the werewolf thing finally catching up to him. Maybe the war had made Sirius realise exactly what Remus was. Werewolf attacks were fairly common nowadays, and Remus himself could only do so much to find and stop feral packs from attacking innocents. There was no shortage of atrocities committed by werewolves that were reported in the newspapers. Surely this would make anyone rethink their decision to date a werewolf.
When they were in school things were simple. The Marauders had thought that werewolves only posed danger to themselves. They probably thought it to be no different than diseases like cancer. Things had undeniably changed since the Prank, when they found out how dangerous Remus could be the night of the full moon, even if he appeared half-dead the next day. Things between Remus and Sirius had changed after, Sirius more cautious, Remus less likely to trust.
He'd learned then not to trust people, even those you love. Especially those you love, because they were the ones most likely to hurt you. Sirius hadn't meant to hurt him; Remus knew that, had known that from the start. But he had hurt him anyway. It was inevitable that he'd get hurt, because surely there would come a day when his friends got tired of him, as he got weaker with age while they grew happier, with families and lives of their own. They would pity him, no doubt, and he would be little more than an unwanted burden, shared memories of happiness forgotten.
He had decided that the pain would be worth it. All the joy he experienced till that fated day would make all the pain that would follow more than bearable. But now at the verge of losing even one of his best friends, he was terrified.
Lily had moved on to other topics, clearly trying to cheer him up. Remus played along, because he would be damned if he let others shoulder his burdens any more than he had to.
Near noon, Harry woke up, and they hurried to the nursery to calm his shrill sobs. Remus decided that maybe he should leave. "Let's let the lovebirds have some alone time, yeah?" he cooed to Harry, rocking the wailing baby in his arms while Lily watched.
James and Lily had filled a bag full of items that he'd need to take care of Harry beforehand. James handed it over to him, Lily reciting instructions over and over again. "And that one's his favourite toy, remember, it'll help calm him if he's upset. And if he isn't hungry, play with him a while and then feed him. Oh, and his favourite rhymes are–"
"Lily," Remus interrupted, not wanting to subject himself to Lily's singing. "I know what his favourite rhymes are. This isn't the first time I'm baby-sitting him, remember? We're going to be fine, aren't we, kiddo?" Remus blew a raspberry at the squirming baby, who stopped crying for a few seconds to stare at Remus.
"Ugh, you're right." Lily winced as Harry resumed screaming even louder than before. "Oh no, I think I'm turning into James."
Both of them ignored the offended squawk James let out as he tried to stuff in as many food items into the bag as possible (both him and Lily had bullied Remus into accepting 'real' lunch).
"Well, you did marry the man," Remus said reasonably, though the effect was probably ruined by Harry tugging on one of his curls with all the vengeance of an angry toddler asking for attention.
"I'm having second thoughts now. Do you want him?"
"Nah, he's too much trouble."
"I hate you both," James grumbled, finally getting up from where he'd been sitting cross-legged on the floor with the bag on his lap. "Neither of you deserve me."
"I agree. We deserve better," Lily said sweetly. James pouted.
Remus said his goodbyes, telling them to enjoy their day. "Bye!" he added in a squeaky voice, shaking Harry's pudgy little hand at his parents, both of whom smiled dopily. James hugged him once more and dropped a kiss each on both Remus and Harry's head, which made Lily giggle.
"Our boys," she said proudly.
Remus shook his head. "You two are a sentimental old couple, and I hope you know that."
He Flooed back home, and as he set the heavy bag on the floor and settled himself on the couch with Harry in his arms, Remus pondered on how going to the Potters had been a good decision after all. He felt considerably happier.
He sat on the floor and played with Harry, who was making unintelligible sounds as he played with a host of magical toys that James had stuffed into the backpack. Remus lost himself in entertaining the toddler, who was wide-awake and energetic, and Remus could feel himself absorbing some of the cheerful innocence as he spoke nonsensical words right back. It made him wonder what his life would have been like if he'd had a younger sibling, or even just known his extended family.
Of course, that would never have been possible. Perhaps in another life, one in which he wasn't a werewolf, and his family didn't have to go into hiding. But that Remus would've been a whole different person. Remus knew that being Turned at such a young age had been a deciding factor in his life, and had probably even shaped most of his personality, as much as he hated that thought.
If he wasn't a werewolf, he might not have such crippling self-hatred. If he hadn't had to hide away from other children for half his childhood, maybe he wouldn't have been such a reserved person. If he hadn't been so lonely as a child, he might not have liked literature as much as he did. The possibilities were so endless it was ridiculous. He might've had siblings, he'd have been closer to his extended family, his parents would have been so much happier. The fact that his whole personality, his whole life, was a direct result of the most traumatising and problematic part of his life did not rest well with him.
But even thinking such despondent thoughts could not bring his mood down. Harry was wonderful company, and a great distraction. Soon enough, however, he grew tired, and started up a fuss and Remus was caught up in trying to calm the baby down.
He tried a bunch of techniques James had taught him, none of which worked. He tried to placate him with the myriad of toys scattered around the room. He read Babbitty Rabbitty in the most ridiculous voice he knew, accompanied with as many silly faces as he could bring up.
The fussing transitioned to loud wails and screams. Remus gathered Harry into his arms, cooing and cradling him. The wide tearful green eyes opened from its previous scrunched up position, and Harry continued whimpering, his chubby adorable face looking pitifully despondent. Remus walked across the length of the room, softly singing Harry's favourite rhymes and some old Welsh songs he remembered his mum singing, his voice echoing through the now-quiet apartment.
He was surprised, therefore, to hear a strangled sound from the doorway just as Harry calmed down, eyes half-closed and sleepy. Harry let out an annoyed grunt when Remus stopped walking about, his little face scrunched up in a pout.
There was Sirius standing by the door, his face arranged in an expression Remus couldn't decipher. It hurt that they'd become so distant that Remus couldn't tell Sirius' feelings just from his expressions anymore. There had been a time when he could, right?
Remus continued his striding, not daring to stop so as not to risk Harry's wrath. He raised a finger to his lips in a clear gesture after adjusting Harry on one arm, and mouthed, Go, you'll wake him. Sirius nodded, and left, presumably to the kitchen, from which emerged soft sounds of vessels clanking. A delicious aroma filled the room a few minutes later. Sirius must be heating some of the food James had sent over. His stomach grumbled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since last night. He wondered if he could convince Sirius that he'd already eaten, because he had absolutely no appetite. Then he wondered if Sirius would even care anymore.
Harry had fallen asleep, and Remus slowly made his way to the bedroom, placing him gently on the bed. He pushed a strand of jet black hair out of Harry's face. Remus wondered why his face felt so strange. It took a moment for him to realise he was smiling. Merlin, how he loved this child.
Remus walked towards the kitchen, wondering what he should do. He stood by the doorway, careful not to make a sound as Sirius smoked out of the kitchen window. It was such a filthy habit. Remus had almost managed to get him to stop, but it was apparent that the old habit had become routine once more as the two of them grew apart.
He felt awkward, watching from the fringes. Back before things turned sideways, he would've gone to Sirius, put his arms around him, resting his head on his shoulders. They could've stood that way talking for hours. Sirius would smile at him, eyes full of love. And Remus, he would never feel as loved ever again. He'd known he was lucky back then, but he hadn't realised just how much until he'd lost Sirius.
Sirius turned suddenly, long black hair swinging into his face. He stubbed the cigarette on the windowsill, throwing it in the dustbin beside the kitchen counter in a smooth move. "You haven't eaten lunch yet," Sirius said. "Thought I'd wait for you." He sat on one of the chairs at the counter; they had never gotten around to buying a dining table.
Remus sat down on the other chair, careful to sit as far away from Sirius as he could get away with. He served some food onto his plate, aware that it was a pitiful amount. He looked up to find Sirius casting him a withering glare, the message clear.
"I'm not hungry," Remus said petulantly. Well, he was, but he really did not want to eat. Food had never seemed as unappetising as it was then, with his stomach almost aching due to anxiety. Remus was painfully aware that in just a few short hours, they'd no longer be a couple. Actually, maybe he should do it right now. No time like the present, right? But the words would not come out of his mouth. You're a coward, he told himself.
After a few horrendously awkward moments, Sirius cleared his throat. "So, you're babysitting Haz?"
"Yeah," Remus hummed dully. "Figured James and Lily needed some alone time. They deserve a break."
"Yeah."
What would happen when Remus told Sirius it was over? Would Sirius cry? Or would he be relieved? The latter seemed more likely. Or perhaps Sirius was steeling himself to do the exact thing? Maybe he was trying to find a way to let Remus down as painlessly as possible. Remus doubted it would help. He would no doubt break down, crying pathetically, and poor Sirius would have to pick up his pieces for the last time.
"Remus?"
Remus didn't dare look up. His eyes were stinging with tears that he was failing to blink away. No doubt his face was red too. His throat was painfully clogged up, but he hummed what he hoped Sirius would take as an affirmation.
"Shall I take your plate to the sink too?"
"Oh," Remus said. "Yeah. Thanks."
Sirius dropped the plate in the sink, then charmed them to clean themselves. Remus remembered how Sirius would insist that the two of them wash the dishes together the Muggle way, convinced that it was romantic. That would never happen again. Remus wasn't enough for Sirius. He'd probably never be enough for anyone.
"We need to talk," Remus said. He walked towards the couch, Sirius following behind him after a moment's hesitation. He would do it. Nice and quick, he wouldn't make it any longer than it had to be. At least it might be less painful that way. He sat down cross-legged on one end of the couch.
Sirius sat down on the other end, the distance between them impalpable. He was sitting straight, his body tense, and Remus wondered how long Sirius had been like this around him, unable to relax. He must have driven him up the wall. Well, he wouldn't have to suffer Remus' company any longer. He probably just never got around to breaking up with Remus because of pity for Remus.
"What is it?" Sirius asked, grey eyes peeking through thick black lashes, blank and emotionless.
Remus cleared his throat.
"We need to–" Remus took a deep breath. "I think we need to break up." He didn't dare look up from his folded hands on his lap.
Sirius sucked in a sharp breath. "What?" Sirius croaked.
"You heard me." A sudden surge of anger gave Remus the courage to speak the words. "We need to break up." Sirius had no right to be upset. It was clear that he didn't care for Remus, didn't care for their relationship. This was a long time coming. Remus would not stay with someone who didn't want him. He would not stay with someone who stayed with him merely because of pity. He had more pride in himself than that, surely.
"Ah." Remus chanced a look at Sirius, who was carefully not looking at him. Remus waited, but Siirus didn't seem to have anything left to say.
"That's all? Aren't you going to say something?" Remus demanded. Indignant fury seemed to light up his body. He felt like an exposed wire in a thunderstorm.
"What is there to say?" Sirius was looking everywhere except for at Remus. "If you don't love me anymore, there isn't really any point to continue our relationship, is there?"
Remus scoffed. "I don't love you anymore? Oh, so you're putting this on me now? I think it's quiet plain that I'm still in love with you." Remus stared intensely at the back of his hands, his bony knuckles white with tension, as though that would chase the tears away. "You're the one who doesn't love me anymore. Honestly, I don't know why you haven't broken up with me earlier. Were you ever going to break up with me of your own accord? Or did you pity me too much for that?"
"Pity you?" Sirius' sounded surprised. "I–I don't pity you. I'm still in love with you."
Remus let out a disbelieving sound. "Well, if I'm still in love with you, and you're still in love with me, then what is happening to us? Why aren't we," Remus gestured between them, "okay?"
"We're okay." Sirius' voice was thin.
"Right," Remus said, his voice cracking. "We're okay. We're just peachy, aren't we? We almost broke up on Valentine's Day, but obviously we're just a normal happy couple, still completely in love with each other, yeah, and–"
"Stop," Sirius said loudly. They were both glaring at each other now. Gone was the painful awkwardness; now the air between them was charged with anger and distrust. "We were never a normal couple. I thought you got that. We were never going to be like, say, James and Lily, and it should've been obvious from the start. If you haven't noticed, you're a werewolf, and I am completely mad. We were never going to be a normal happy couple, we're never going to have a lovely home with a family, and with the war going on, chances are we'll never even grow[SP1] old together. Don't talk about wanting to be normal, and happy, alright? Just don't," Sirius said harshly.
Remus stared at him for a few moments, not daring to speak for fear of letting the waterworks loose. He swallowed hard. "Am I allowed to talk about wanting to be a couple?" he said softly, his voice wobbling.
The silence was deafening. Then–
"I'll leave tomorrow. You can have the flat. I can afford a better one." Sirius paused. "It'd be good if you helped me pack up, though."
He disappeared with a crack. Remus stared at where Sirius had been sitting just a second ago, then curled up on the sofa to occupy as little space as he could, hand to his mouth so as not to wake Harry up with his sobs.
He didn't know how long he stayed that way. Long enough for his joints to hurt from lying in such an uncomfortable position. Long enough that his eyes hurt from crying, but he still couldn't stop. Long enough that the room seemed much darker than it had been when Sirius had left. So probably a couple hours.
Remus didn't know what finally got him to sit up, just that it was some unknown instinct. Maybe Harry was waking up?
He tensed as he heard a sound. Someone was knocking on the door. He checked his pockets for his wand, heart pounding when he didn't find it. He spent a few seconds (minutes? Hours?) searching on the couch, and finally found it inside a book, marking a page. He held it tight, making his way to the front door.
There wasn't really much reason to be afraid. Muggles often came knocking: salespeople, mailmen, pizza delivery. But Remus was a lot more in edge after his breakup, and he was painfully aware that Harry was inside the house too. He was responsible for more than his own life.
He stood outside the door, head nearly touching the wood. "Who is it?" he asked. He carefully drew a couple wards in the air behind him. They were better than nothing.
"It's Dorcas," a familiar voice said.
Remus felt a surge of apprehension and guilt. Since Marlene had died a few months ago, Remus had been avoiding Dorcas. He had been closer to Marlene and had become friends with Dorcas through her. Marlene's death had been a shock; he'd always thought that he'd never lose someone close to him, because he'd been so certain that he'd die before anyone else he loved.
It wasn't a good thought, but it was certainly better than the reality. Marlene dying had been a shock. The full moon following it, Remus had nearly lost his own life. Which was how Dorcas had found out about him being a werewolf. Not the way he'd wanted to come out. Before, Dorcas had doted on Remus; she'd seemed to think that he was adorable, and Remus pretended to be offended, but he had been happy that people felt such – love? – towards him. He should've been used to it by now; Merlin knew he'd won a lottery in the friend department. But every single time he thought about the fact that such amazing people actually cared about him, broken, pathetic Loony Lupin, he was astonished and so, so overwhelmed, in the most incredible way.
But after Dorcas found out, she had been cold, distant. Wary, almost. And Remus couldn't blame her, but he also couldn't feel hurt. This wasn't the first time he'd lost a friendship because of something he couldn't control (and he hadn't even really lost Dorcas, she was still cool with him––just not the same).
The combination of losing the love her life and finding out one of her friends was a werewolf must have been horrible, but Dorcas had dealt with it. Remus admired her for that. She was so strong. He would've been a wreck if anything had happened to Sirius. What was a world without Sirius? (Well, breaking up would be infinitely better than losing him completely.)
He didn't know how to face Dorcas now that the harsh reality of the war had really sunk in. She was grieving, and a good friend would help her. But Remus was selfish, and every time he was faced with her pain, his heart would seize, his fingers tremble, his lungs suddenly smaller than they were mere seconds ago.
He truly was a horrible person.
Remus realised he'd been quiet too long. He cleared his throat and hastily scrubbed his face clean. He doubted that would fool Dorcas, but at least he'd tried. "Um." He wracked his brain for information only Dorcas and not any impersonators would know. "Uh, our first date? W–What did we eat from Madam Puddifoot's on our first date?"
"Nothing," came the reply. "We ordered the pink laceberry fly cupcakes to make fun of– er, as a joke. But they smelled disgusting, so we threw them away while strolling through the woods nearby."
Remus felt a little lighter as he recalled the memory. They'd been fake-dating at the time, with Sirius pretending to date Marlene, in order to cover for each other.
He opened the door and smiled as best as he could.
Dorcas looked much better than she had the last time he'd seen her. Her curly hair was tied back, her, the dark circles below her eyes much less visible. Her steady dark eyes were studying him, no doubt taking note of the tear tracks on his cheeks. Remus made a conscious effort not to sniff because that would be a dead give-away.
"Hey there," she said, the corner of her lips lifting in what might be called a smile.
"Hey," Remus muttered, looking down. "Come on in."
The silence was awkward as they entered the flat and sat on the couch. Dorcas looked through the open bedroom door at the tiny creature sleeping on the bed. "Babysitting?"
"Yeah." Remus cleared his throat. "Thought James and Lily might want to be baby-free on Valentine's day."
Dorcas hummed. "Makes sense. That was nice of you."
"Thank you."
They were quiet for a while, the silence achingly loud and exacerbating Remus' anxiety. He discretely tried to hide a pillow behind him (it was wet with his tears), then realised his shirt was wet too. He put his legs up on the sofa and hugged them, hoping it wasn't too obvious that he was trying to hide the tear stains.
"So," Remus said when he couldn't stand the silence any longer. He knew Dorcas could stay quiet for as long as she wanted to, but he couldn't. "What brings you here?"
Remus could feel her gaze on him. "Your boyfriend is in my flat. Or should I say, ex-boyfriend." It wasn't a question.
Remus stiffened, his eyes pricking with tears again.
"He asked if he could stay there for a while," Dorcas continued. "Until he found a new flat, he said."
"You could tell him there's no need to vacate this flat," Remus said immediately, feeling guilty. Sirius was the one who'd paid for the flat in the first place. "It's his. I'll move out."
"Where would you go?" Dorcas' face was inscrutable.
"My parents'." Remus shrugged. "Until I find a new place. It won't be too bad. Mum's a contractor, she'll help me."
"He's not going to like that. You know how stubborn he can be, better than most."
"Yeah," Remus croaked.
Dorcas shuffled on the couch, moving closer to him. She put a hand on his shoulder. "You can talk to me, you know. I'm your friend. Also, the first person you ever broke up with." She smiled crookedly.
Some of the ice between them had thawed. Remus laughed, but it was too slow and too quiet, and stopped after a few seconds. "I'm not sure fake-dating counts," he told her.
"Yeah, it probably doesn't. So. Go ahead. Talk. Pour your heart out to me." Dorcas motioned her hands impatiently. "You just broke up with the boy you've been in love with for, what, six years? That's a lot. You're obviously upset."
Dorcas' steady presence was calming. "Yeah, I am." He breathed in, then out, twice. Then suddenly, he burst into tears, burying his face on his knees, hugging his legs tighter. He was vaguely aware of Dorcas coming closer and wrapping an arm around him, making comforting sounds. A few minutes later, he'd wiped his face off on the back of his hands, feeling embarrassed and still upset. Who said crying helped? He could cry for all eternity and it would still hurt.
"So, you heard Sirius and I broke up and your first decision was to comfort us both? You said Sirius was at yours." Remus cringed when he realised his words sounded slightly accusing.
"Comfort Sirius? Hah, no. That boy isn't going to let himself realise he's hurting for a while, let alone others. Although I'll no doubt be wiping his tears off tonight." She eyed him sideways. "That is, unless you two don't get your shit together and make up."
"Make up?" Remus said, face scrunched up. "No, we've broken up for good."
"For good? You look like a right mess to me." Dorcas snorted, disbelieving. "Some of his dramatics must have rubbed off on you. Breaking up on Valentine's day, I swear."
Remus frowned at her. "I'd been thinking about it for a while, alright? I just got the courage to say it today," he said defensively.
"Thinking about it for a while, huh?" Dorcas turned towards him properly, openly scrutinising him. "Why? Someone else catch your eye?"
Remus snorted unattractively, his nose still runny from his crying. "With my luck I'll probably pine over him for the rest of my life. How could I ever get over Sirius?" He sniffed again.
"Oh please, now you're being dramatic on purpose," she said haughtily. "You'll definitely get over him in a few months. Or years. That is, if you don't get back with him, of course."
"You seem really interested in getting us back together," Remus noted. "What are you up to, Meadowes?"
Dorcas studied her nails. "Oh, nothing. Just, wondering." Her eyes flickered back up to him. "What made you break up with him?"
"We haven't been alright for months," he said, swallowing. "He's been distant, wary almost. He's – changed."
"Haven't we all?"
"Yes," he conceded. "But Sirius – it's like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He always looks like he wants to tell me something, but he never does. And whatever he wants to tell me didn't seem like a good thing, and – well, I put the dots together. I figure he's been wanting to break up with me for months."
"So you did it for him." She sounded resigned. "You know what would help? Actually talking to him. Maybe whatever bad thing he wanted to talk to you about wasn't what you thought it was."
Remus hummed noncommittally, his eyebrows knitted together, not really convinced. What else could it be? Nothing else made sense.
"No, really," Dorcas insisted. "Look, I know what he wanted to tell you, alright? It's not about breaking up with you. He's still in love with you."
Remus' eyes shot up to hers, wide and confused.
Dorcas stood up. "Look, I can't explain right now, I have to go meet Peter. We have to talk about some things. He's confirmed a few of my suspicions about the things that have been happening in the Order, if you get my drift." She gave him intense look that Remus couldn't make neither heads nor tails of. "Talk to Sirius. Trust me."
She hurried to the door, picking up her coat and hat on the way and jamming it on her person as she closed the door behind her. Remus blinked stupidly at the old slab of wood, half-hoping for answers to appear on its splintered surface.
He tried to guess what Dorcas had been trying to tell him. He didn't really know what was happening in the Order these days. But he did know that tensions were rising with every passing day; even the mild tempered James was known to get angry quick these days.
Remus on the other hand could not muster enough energy to feel anything more than despair. His missions among the werewolves were wearing down on him; the close proximity to Fenrir Greyback, the man who had destroyed his life before it had even begun, was driving him insane, and as the days passed by he was hanging on by a thread, a single word or action enough to send him spiralling back to extreme fear or sorrow.
Luckily, Remus did not have to stay confined within his mind for much longer. Harry woke up a few minutes later, and Remus lost himself fussing around and making sure that Harry had everything he needed.
He was extremely grateful to the Potters for trusting him with their baby. Merlin knew he wouldn't have. The first few times he'd the healthy baby in his arms, he'd had visions of claws tearing through the same fingers that Harry had his hands wrapped around. The idea of something so–so monstrous near Harry, who was precious and innocent and so fragile, had terrified him. He'd stayed away from Harry for a few weeks after that until Lily called him out and told him that she trusted him with her son, and therefore he should trust her judgment and Just shut up and hold the baby for a little while, would you, I haven't had enough sleep for months.
James came by at around eight, his face radiant with joy. He held his arms out for Harry, who reached for him eagerly and nestled himself within his father's arms. James laughed softly, cradling the child, and said, "I hope the sprog didn't give you any trouble." He buried his nose in Harris wispy hair. "You didn't give Uncle Moony any trouble, did you, Haz?"
Remus' face was split into a smile as he said, "Nah, he didn't. You didn't have to come so early. I could have taken care of him for the night."
James shook his head. "Oh no, the house is so quiet without him. A few hours in and we were missing him so much. We wouldn't have lasted the whole night." He grinned slyly. "Besides, I'm sure Harry doesn't want to be third-wheeling on you and Sirius."
Remus forced his face into a smile. "Yeah."
But James knew him too well. His face fell. "Circe, I'm sorry Remus. I shouldn't have–" He ran his free hand through his hair. "I'll try talking to him again, yeah? He'll see sense, you wait–"
"James," Remus said. "It's okay. We did some talking. We'll probably be doing some more. We're going to be okay, alright?" And he wasn't exactly lying either. Things were going to be better, right? Maybe him and Sirius would be better off as friends. He wouldn't be losing Sirius completely. It was always going to be Moony and Padfoot, just not in the way they'd thought.
And if it meant that Remus would forever be in love with Sirius without those feelings being reciprocated, then that was fine. Just friendship was better than nothing, after all. He would rather die than lose Sirius completely.
James didn't seem to buy it completely. He looked down at Remus solemnly. "You're not alone, alright? Anytime you want to talk, or just a shoulder to cry on, we're here, just a Floo away."
Remus looked away, not ready to let his emotions get the better of him for the umpteenth time that day. "I know."
Remus fell back on the couch after the father-son duo had left in a burst of green flames. Should he help Sirius pack his things? But it wouldn't feel right to go through his things without his permission, no matter that he'd done it a million times before. This was different, now. They were no longer together. They'd officially broken up. Remus had no right to go through Sirius' things.
Maybe after Sirius came back he could offer to help. But it would be painful to spend time alone with Sirius so soon. But what if Sirius was angry with him? Sirius' ego would definitely be at least a little bruised after being dumped, no matter that he wasn't in love with Remus anymore. Remus would have to talk with him, ensure there weren't any harsh feelings. He didn't want to lose his best friend too.
It was almost supper time, but he didn't feel up to eating anything. He would wait for Sirius. It would be the best time to talk, after all. Remus moved to the kitchen, pulling open the refrigerator even though the mere thought of food made him nauseous because of his nerves.
He decided to make some blueberry crumpets (Mrs Potter's recipe) which were Sirius' favourite, and he probably wouldn't mind eating those for dinner. It would also put Sirius into a better mood.
Half an hour later, and three half burned crumpets later, Remus heard the tell-tale crack of Apparition and closed his mouth, interrupting the tirade of swear words previously filling the little flat.
Remus turned to see Sirius' bewildered face standing by the dining table.
"Hey," Remus said nervously. It didn't help his nerves that Sirius didn't say anything, only stared at the mess behind Remus with the same expression.
Finally, he looked back at Remus. "I'm fairly sure this isn't normal break-up protocol." Remus bit his lip, wondering if he'd made things worse. An incredulous, half-wistful laugh erupted out of Sirius. "Only you would make your ex his favourite dish literal hours after breaking up with him."
"Um."
Sirius leaned against the dining table, his face softening. "I can't stay mad at you, even after you dumped me." He shook his head. "You really are something, you know that?"
Warmth blossomed in Remus' chest, but he tamped it down harshly. He felt a sudden sense of déjà vu, reminded of fourth year, when his crush on Sirius was at its peak, and every time Sirius complimented him or smiled at him, he'd had to remind himself, No, he doesn't mean it the way you want him to. Now, Sirius wasn't in love with him anymore, probably hadn't been for months, and there was no need to bring more heartache on himself by trying to convince himself otherwise.
But then, Dorcas had hinted pretty heavily that Sirius was still in love with him. Or maybe he was just upset over the life he'd lost. Him and Sirius had been pretty happy, after all, in their little flat, before things had started going wrong.
Remus cleared his throat to fill the awkward silence. He dared a glance and found Sirius grimacing, quite obviously regretting his words. On noticing that Remus was looking at him, Sirius quickly rearranged his expression to something more neutral, which Remus hated because it was just another mask, just another change wrought by the war. Sirius had been notoriously bad at censoring his words, thoughts, and actions, and now he wasn't, which was as bad as it was good. But even after joining the Order, Remus had always been able to know what Sirius was feeling. Now he couldn't.
Remus gave up on the ruined dinner and walked to the dining table, pulling up a chair. He sat down, fidgeting anxiously. "I thought we should talk." He shrugged. "If you'd still been angry at me, which you are completely entitled to, by the way, I thought your favourite food would've tided you over."
Sirius sat down across from him, his face suddenly completely blank. Only his eyes were alight with some emotion Remus couldn't place. "So, talk. I'm all ears."
Remus said hastily, because he knew Sirius would be reluctant to hear him out about this, "You don't have to move out, I–"
"You prepared my favourite dish to bribe me into kicking you out of the flat?" Sirius said flatly. "You are an absolute, senseless idiot."
"Isn't that my line?" Remus joked weakly.
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Exactly." He threw his hands up in frustration. "I'm the one who's supposed to be the senseless idiot, not you, and if you'd excuse me, I'd like to have my role back. I'm leaving the flat; what you do is up to you. You can leave it, and maybe rent it out, or just completely abandon it. I don't care. I'm not staying here, alright?"
Remus huffed in annoyance. Sirius knew exactly how to play him. "Okay, fine, I'll stay here."
Sirius smiled impishly at him. "There's the Moony I know."
The nickname hurt him a little, but he was mostly fine. He rolled his eyes. "And there's the Padfoot I know." Remus bit his lip, gathering his courage. "We're still friends, right?" He felt all of a sudden like a child.
Sirius looked like he hadn't even considered any other option, which put Remus' mind to rest a little. "Yes! Wait, unless you don't want to be anymore, I totally understand–"
"I want to," Remus interrupted.
They exchanged nervous, if a bit sad, smiles. Remus had known somewhere in the back of his mind how much he had to lose, but it had never felt more real than it did now. Surely this would change their dynamic. He'd been worried about that when they got together but breaking up would be infinitely worse for the Marauders. He forced himself to think about how grateful he was, rather than what he'd lose. He'd still have the Marauders. He'd still have Sirius. He should be grateful, he told himself firmly.
Remus offered to help Sirius pack his things, the atmosphere filled with awkwardness and forced cheer. Sirius agreed with that same over-bright tone. Remus felt his heart get a little heavier with every small, fake gesture.
They packed Sirius' clothes in a small duffle bag that Remus added an Extension charm to, to make things easier. Sirius had decided to leave his records behind ("It's not like I'm leaving this place forever, Moons, I'll still visit you. Besides, it's no fun listening to music alone."), and they were half-way through searching for Sirius' books, when Sirius' stomach let out a loud grumble.
Sirius' cheeks flushed in a rare display of embarrassment. "Er, dinner?" he said.
"I've already eaten," Remus lied smoothly. It was a mark of how distant they'd grown that Sirius bought it without a doubt. "But I could finish preparing the crumpets for you." When Sirius raised his eyebrows at him, he said, somewhat sheepishly, "Er, yeah, on second thought, you better do it yourself."
They were back at the kitchen, Sirius heating up the pan, when Remus found another of Sirius' books. Sirius liked reading, though not nearly as much as Remus, but his horribly messy lifestyle meant that he never knew where he'd kept his books.
He'd been fetching some more butter from the pantry for Sirius to add to the crumpets, when he noticed something sparkly peeking from behind a can of tuna fish. Remus hated tuna, which explained why he never noticed the package he found behind the can. It was quite obviously a book, judging from the shape of it, and had several layers of dust covering it.
"What's this?" Remus said in a choked voice, trying not to sneeze at the clouds of dust he'd disturbed.
"Huh?" Sirius looked over at him. His mouth fell open. "Er, yeah, that's mine, just put it in my bag, or–or you could just leave it there. No, just leave it, don't look–"
But it was too late for that. Remus had swiped off some of the dust, underneath which it was written in Sirius' beautiful writing, Happy Birthday Moons.
"What?" he said, his voice still choked, though it was no longer because of the dust. It was a very Sirius thing to plan birthdays months before hand, especially when it concerned people he cared about. He was also excellent at giving gifts, a skill he'd acquired a few years ago from Euphemia Potter. "My birthday's not till next month."
"I know," Sirius said hoarsely. "I was going to give it to you then." He hesitated, then added, "You shouldn't open it now." He was biting his lower lip nervously, and Remus had a feeling that it was because whatever was inside might be something that alluded to their relationship.
"What's in it?" Remus asked, keeping his voice carefully blank.
Sirius sighed. "A book, obviously. The one you wanted, written by that Kempton bloke." He glared when Remus made a noise of disapproval. "Yes, yes, I know it's expensive, and you should know that I can afford it. And–" Sirius broke off, hesitation clear on his face.
"And?" Remus prompted.
"There's a brochure in it," Sirius muttered. "About Greece. You wanted[SP2] to visit it, because ancient magic and whatnot, so I managed to get Andromeda to get us a discount on the International Portkey. Two tickets. Thought we could use a two-week break from this war, just the two of us."
"Oh."
There was silence.
Just the two of us.
Remus let out a broken sob. He immediately covered his mouth with the back of his palm. "Sorry, sorry, I–" He shook his head, hiding behind the curls hanging low on his forehead.
Sirius' whole body twitched towards Remus, as if he wanted to comfort him. Instead, he took a step back as if to make up for his misstep, clenching his fists at his side. He let out a humourless laugh. "What a mess, eh?"
Remus sniffled, muttering in agreement.
"You said you still love me," Remus said softly. "After I broke up with you."
"It was the truth." There was a hesitance in Sirius' voice that broke Remus' heart.
"Was?"
Sirius made a sharp movement with his hand. "No, no. Is. It is the truth. It is."
Remus made a disbelieving sound. He ignored the hurt and angry look Sirius shot. "You left, though. You left."
Sirius grunted in annoyance. "You broke up with me. You can't blame me after it's done. If you had asked me to stay, I would've. You know that."
"Oh, do I?" Remus asked, anger now tinging his voice. "How do I know what you're thinking? Maybe once, I would've known. Now, though; do I know anything about you, Sirius?" Sirius made to say something, but Remus cut him off. "No, listen for once. You're never home, Sirius. You're always away, and I may be oblivious and stupid and naïve, but even I can tell when someone's avoiding me. Especially when that someone is you."
"Figured that much out, have you?" Sirius spat out. "Then surely you must have figured out why I'm avoiding you too. And you can't blame me for doing what I did after finding out."
"I thought you were avoiding me because you weren't in love with me anymore, and that you were trying to break it to me, so––wait, what?" Remus looked at Sirius with wide eyes, feeling more lost than ever. "Find out what?"
Sirius' eyes were cold, but his hands were shaking. "Let's not beat around the bush. I know you're a spy."
Remus blinked. "Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you." He searched through his head, trying to figure out if he had told Sirius about his missions. "No, I'm fairly sure I didn't. Besides, what does this have to do with anything anyway?"
Sirius was looking at him in complete disbelief. "I thought––you said––why are you being so––why are you acting like this isn't–" He buried his face in his hands, letting out a muffled sound of frustration. "You're a spy. I should hand you over to Dumbledore right now."
"Wait, hand me over to Dumbledore?!" Realisation dawned on Remus. All the suspicious stares, the fear, the stillness in the air between them over the past few months that Remus had actually mistaken for awkwardness and regret but was really just distrust. It all made sense now. Sirius thought he'd––Sirius thought he was––Remus let out a crazed laugh. His own freaking boyfriend thought he was a traitor.
Remus wasn't aware of moving, but next thing he knew, he was sitting on the cold hard floor, his back against the couch. His forehead resting on his knees, his hands pushing through his messy hair that he hadn't combed for Merlin knew how long, shaking.
Of course. It made sense, after all. He was a werewolf. Why would anyone trust him?
But why would Sirius just assume that he was a traitor? Sirius, who knew him best of all? Remus' heart clenched painfully when he wondered if that meant everyone else thought he was a traitor too.
Remus gave a start as he realised that Sirius was speaking, and he'd been too out of it to listen to a word spoken. He brought his hands out of his hair, his scalp hurting from how harshly he'd been tugging at his hair, and clenched them tight, the nails digging into his palm and helping him focus.
"Um, sorry," he said, interrupting Sirius from his heated tirade. "Can you–can you repeat that? I, um, wasn't listening." If he weren't so–so––heartbroken, upset, betrayed––he would probably have blushed.
Remus completely deserved the sardonic glare he received in return. But something in Sirius' eyes softened as he took in Remus' trembling figure. Remus looked away when his eyes met Sirius'. It was too much for him and not enough at the same time. That tender, protective look in his eyes didn't belong there anymore, especially not directed at Remus.
Remus felt Sirius kneel before him, taking his face in his hands so he could look him in the eye. Those tender grey eyes seemed to bore into his soul. Remus' felt tears build up in his eyes. It wasn't fair.
"I'm still in love with you," Sirius told him softly, his eyes searching. "And correct me if I'm wrong, but so are you. In love with me, I mean. And I understand why you're pulling away from me, I really do, but things don't have to go this way."
Remus had been feeling his heart swell with every word and swore he could also feel it freeze in confusion at those last words. "What are you talking about? I wasn't pulling away from you, you were."
Sirius pursed his lips. "You don't have to pretend anymore," he said earnestly. "We don't have to tell anyone else, but you can tell me. I won't pretend to understand why you did it, but I know you regret it. I'll keep you safe. You can hide, I know they won't take desertion lightly, and we don't have to tell Dumbles–"
"Sirius." Remus felt numb. Sirius thought he was a traitor and still loved him? He would never understand this wonderful man. "I'm not a spy."
Sirius' eyes hardened. "Don't lie to me anymore, Moons, please –"
"I mean, I am," Remus interrupted. "I am a spy. But I'm not a traitor. I work for the Order, Sirius. Just like you. I am a spy, but I'm a spy for the Order. Not–not Voldemort. I would never betray the Order. Why–why would you even think that? I'm a half-blood, and a werewolf to booth. And you know I don't think having Muggle blood makes you less worthy, or any of that Pureblood dogma. You of all people know that; Lily is my best friend, and I love my mum. Why–why would you even––why––is it because I'm–"
"Moony." Sirius' hand moved to Remus', warm and comforting. He always held Remus' hand whenever Remus needed to calm down. Remus realised he had been rambling, and wondered whether Sirius had understood a thing he'd said, whether he'd spoken too fast for him to understand.
Sirius was staring at him, unblinking, his eyes alight with confusion and suspicion. "You––so you're not the spy? I just assumed––you were the most logical choice, because who else? None of us would betray the Order, but there's definitely someone leaking out information."
"There's a mole in the Order?!" Remus wondered how he had missed something so big. Then again, he was rarely in the Order meetings, too busy with his own long-term missions. Then what Sirius had said sunk in. "I'm the most logical choice," he said, repeating Sirius' words. He let out a slightly crazed laugh. "I'm the most logical choice! Of course. I mean, I am a bloody werewolf, of course I'm most likely to be traitor."
"No, that's not why I thought–" Sirius closed his mouth at the look in Remus' eyes. "Okay, you being a werewolf is part of it, but––no, listen to me Remus. Shit, don't cry. I never thought you'd willingly do it, just––you're the most vulnerable, out of all of us, you know?"
"Most vulnerable? Vulnerable to what? Falling prey to Pureblood ideology? Or do you mean vulnerable to the temptation of the Dark Arts? Because I'm a Dark creature?" Remus said harshly, trying to rub his eyes dry on his shoulder.
"No," Sirius said incredulously. "I–I saw you. With a few werewolves I know are on Voldemort's side. With Greyback."
Remus flinched at the name.
"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you," Remus said quietly, hesitant, "but I've been spying on them. Greyback's werewolf pack, I mean. Dumbledore told me not to tell anyone, and if you're right about a mole in the Order, then I can see why."
Remus couldn't see him, with his eyes trained on the threadbare knees of his jeans, but he felt Sirius freeze.
"You're spying on the werewolves?" he whispered after a few seconds of stunned silence.
Remus hummed in affirmation.
"That's where you disappear? Your long term missions?" The anger in Sirius' voice made Remus look up at him finally. He seemed to be seething, rage finally overcoming his shock. "But Greyback, you hate him," Sirius said quietly. "How could Dumbledore even ask you to spy on him?"
"Sirius, I'm–"
"That man's been haunting your nightmares since you were a toddler!" Sirius hissed. "Dumbledore had no right to ask you to do that. That disgusting, manipulative, wannabe Santa Claus–"
"Sirius," Remus said sharply. "I agreed to do it. He didn't force me to. I chose to go through with those missions."
"Yeah, well, you're a self-sacrificing martyr, and Dumbledore knows that," Sirius snapped. He adjusted himself so he was more comfortable on the cold floor. "He knows that, and he definitely took advantage of that, with no care for your mental well-being."
Remus flinched at the word 'mental', even though it wasn't something that had been used against him for years at this point, and wasn't how Sirius had used it in this context anyway.
"I'm saving lives," he said, picking at a loose thread on the grey knees of his jeans.
"It's not worth you risking your health," Sirius said hotly. "You're incredibly talented. You can still do so much good with missions that don't risk you revisiting your trauma. Or worse, risking your life. I hate to think of you there, with those monsters. And do you even have backup? I don't really think there are any other werewolves in the Order, and a werewolf pack is definitely not safe for someone not a werewolf."
"Those monsters, hm?" Remus said tonelessly. "No other werewolves in the Order? Why do you think so? Is it because werewolves are soulless, evil creatures?" He laughed humourlessly. "You do realise you're talking to one?"
Sirius' eyes widened. "No, I didn't mean it that way."
"Didn't you? You quite obviously don't think too highly of werewolves. You thought I was a traitor."
Sirius was shaking his head fervently. "I thought they'd forced you to. I thought you didn't have a choice. I didn't really blame you. I thought I could help you get out. I know what they do to turncoats; I've overheard enough to figure out it's nothing good. I thought we could lie low until they forgot about you. Hence the tickets to Greece. That's what I meant when I said you were more vulnerable than the rest.
"And I don't think all werewolves are monsters, quite obviously." He shuffled closer to Remus, dropping a kiss on Remus' forehead, a gesture so sweet that Remus' anger evaporated. "But I do know that, as ridiculous as it sounds, you have been luckier than a lot of them. I know that desperate people do bad things.
"I also know that Greyback's pack is not desperate, they're full of bloodlust. They are evil. And I hate the idea of you with them. Because they really are monsters, not because of their lycanthropy, but because of their actions and beliefs. They've hurt people and they've enjoyed it."
Remus lowered his lashes. "You're right. Sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."
They sat like that in silence for a while, Remus hugging his knees, Sirius sitting forward on his haunches, which must not have been very comfortable, because a few seconds later he shifted, shuffling over to Remus' and nestling by his side. Remus dropped his head to Sirius' shoulder, Sirius resting his head on Remus' after dropping another kiss on his head.
Remus was almost asleep with how comfortable he was even on the cold floor, coupled with how tired he was after the emotional mess he had been that day, when Sirius cleared his throat. Remus jerked, lifting his head off of Sirius' shoulder.
"Hm?"
"We're–we're still together, right?" Sirius' beautiful silver eyes were wide and full of apprehension. "I know what I did was unforgivable. I should never have suspected you. But I–I still love you. So damn much. And I understand if you don't want to–"
"Sirius, you're rambling." Watching Sirius, who was normally so poised and hated to show any fear or apprehension, being reduced to speaking so fast, his words tripping over each other from nerves, caused Remus' heart to squeeze painfully. Both because he hated to see Sirius upset, but also because knowing that Sirius was this upset because of the idea that he might lose Remus––was too much. There was always some part of Remus that believed Sirius didn't love him as much as he claimed to, that he wasn't as important to Sirius as he would've wanted to be. That Sirius would have no qualms dumping him when the time came.
And he knew those fears would never really disappear. But those voices were uncommonly quiet in his head for once. And that was enough.
Sirius opened his mouth again to speak, quite obviously wanting to say more but not knowing what to say. Remus solved the problem for him by kissing him softly.
"Yes," he breathed. "Yes, yes, yes."
"Yes?" Sirius said, his voice heavy with hope.
"Yeah. I want to be with you. I don't ever want to be away from you." Remus thought out his next few words. Just kissing wouldn't heal the rift that had been growing between them for months, even though they'd talked it out.
"I'm hurt," Remus said, his voice little more than a whisper. "I guess I can see why you might have suspected me. I'm glad that you loved me even after. And everything you said does make sense. There've been too many secrets for the past few years, and that was bound to cause problems between us anyway. I know that. Our relationship was based on secrets, but they were based on secrets we shared."
They exchanged soft smiles. Remus knew Sirius was thinking of the first few months after they'd got together.
"I know it's not your fault," Remus continued, his voice hardly more than a whisper, "but I still feel hurt. You stopped trusting me. It feels like a betrayal all over again."
Sirius sucked in a sharp breath. He hated to be reminded of the Prank. So did Remus, but he needed Sirius to know how this felt. How learning that the one person he trusted most in the world hadn't trusted him the same way had shaken him to the core, and it would probably hit him harder later.
He knew this would probably stay with him a long time. The love of his life had suspected him of being the worst thing Remus could imagine: a monster. And even though Sirius had assured him that he'd only believed Remus capable of betrayal due to a threat to his life, it hurt him because he would never betray a cause he believed in so much, and he definitely would never betray his friends, not even if it meant his own death or worse. His life wasn't worth so much.
Later that night, when Remus was woken by nightmares of broken trust and broken hearts and broken bodies, Sirius pulled him in close and murmured soothing words, kissing his sweat-soaked hair until Remus remembered that he was safe. Then he got up to make a cup of hot chocolate, since that was what calmed Remus most.
"Don't leave me," Remus pleaded, fear striking his heart again. Sirius didn't truly love him; he wasn't going to stay anymore; why would he anyway, he believed Remus was a traitor, right? Sirius didn't love Remus anymore, did he, he hated him, that was why he was leaving all over again–
And Sirius lay back down, twining his fingers between Remus' sweaty ones. He smiled, that half-smirk that Remus had fallen in love with all those years ago. "I'm staying with you till the end, whether you like it or not."
Sleep came calling easier than usual that night, and Remus dreamed of stars.