Standing there, in Hailey's apartment, his jacket still on and his girl in his arms, Jay thought that he hadn't ever had such a primary need to love and protect someone before. It was as if the precious girl in his embrace was his whole world. And maybe she was.
When Hailey had stood in front of him telling him about her childhood, the terrors of it, Jay had felt rage against those people who could do such a thing to the child. Logically, he knew that being abused was true life for too many kids, but this was different. Hearing that someone did those things to Hailey, to his Hailey, broke his heart. She looked so young and vulnerable, tears falling down her cheeks. Jay swore to himself that he would never let anyone hurt her that way again. But Jay knew Hailey didn't want pity, so he just listened to her, let her talk more. It took all his willpower not to interrupt her and wipe those tears away.
When she told him that she really wanted to be with him, it felt like all the weight he had carried the last hours had been taken away from his shoulders. He didn't care if it was hard, he didn't want nice and easy, he wanted Hailey. He wanted to be with Hailey more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. The only way he would leave her was if she told him to do so. But even then, he wouldn't leave without fighting for their love. He would not let her just push him away.
He had realized that maybe it was just what Hailey needed to hear. She needed to know that he could love her despite all that load she carried in her shoulders. She needed to know that even if she would share what she had gone through and what it had done to her, he wouldn't go away. Jay had understood that even if it was so clear to him that he loved her completely, with all burdens, it wasn't to Hailey. He needed to tell that to her.
Jay knew that he wasn't the man of words. His whole life he had been better with actions. He wished he could have told Hailey a lot more than he had been able to form into words at that moment. All he could do was promise her that they would figure it out and he wasn't going to go anywhere. He would stay. He wanted to say he would stay forever, but he didn't want to scare her.
Miraculously those words, which to him felt to be too little, had seemed to be just right to Hailey. But maybe it shouldn't be a surprise. With Hailey communication always seemed to be easier, sometimes words were even not needed. It was one of many things which had made him realize long time ago that Hailey was the one.
When he had told her that he loved her, he didn't say it to get her to say it back. But still, when she whispered him those words, looking so sincere, it made him forget him everything else. He could not anymore resist the urge to take her to his arms as if that could protect her from the whole other world.
For Hailey, the day had been like the worst kind of roller coaster, but now standing there, in his embrace, Hailey felt that it could be the safest place in the world. To her, at least. Suddenly she felt herself so exhausted and her legs felt so weak, like she's going to fall. Luckily to her, Jay reacted immediately and tightened his grip on her. Hailey thought that it was like a parallel to the whole day. Jay catching her when she was about to fall. She had once thought that Jay was her anchor and right now, she was sure about it.
"Hails, I think you should sit down. Come to the couch with me", Jay gently guided Hailey to the couch.
They sat down, Jay to the corner and Hailey nestled against him, sitting almost on his lap, both unwilling to let go. Hailey felt Jay tenderly stroking her back. She sighed. When she had come home she had been so afraid that maybe Jay wasn't coming. She had thought that maybe she didn't deserve it at all. She had been so harsh. Seeing Jay standing behind the door had been a relief. There had been so many things she wanted to say to him. That she wanted to be with him so badly, but she didn't know how to do it. She had been so scared that if he would know what a mess she was, he would leave. It was hard to describe that amount of relief she had felt when he told her that they would figure it out together, that he wasn't going anywhere, ever.
Hailey had never told anyone all those things she had now shared with Jay. There hadn't been ever anyone who she had trusted enough to do it. For years she had thought that the only person who could keep her safe was herself. It isn't easy for her to let her walls down. But she had done it now and maybe she really could learn how to be better at it.
Jay didn't know how long they had sat there. In silence, only treasuring much needed closeness after all what had happened. He could tell Hailey was exhausted, her inner turmoil starting to take its toll.
"Wanna eat something? I know you haven't eaten anything the whole day", he asked.
Hailey smiled weakly. There's no reason to try to lie to him, she knew he knew her too well. Sometimes better than herself.
"Umm… I don't think I can't take anything heavy, but maybe something", she agreed.
Jay untangled him to Hailey and went to the kitchen. After raiding a fridge he offered: "I could make some sammies?"
She nodded and looked at him moving around the kitchen. Looking at him being so cozy in her kitchen, made her emotional again. Tears escaped from her eyes when she thought how differently all could have ended. She wiped tears away almost angrily, she hasn't been used to being so vulnerable. She hadn't let herself to be. But she couldn't help it, tears just leaked on her cheeks when she thought how lucky she really was. She had really meant it when she said that she loved him so much. So much that the idea of losing him hurt her.
Jay looked up at her and hurried to her. Kneeling in front of her he asked softly: "What's wrong, love?"
Hailey smiled at him through the tears. "No no… It's just me being a mess. I don't know if I deserve this, if I deserve you. I just can't help but think how easily this could have gone otherwise. I'm so incredibly happy it didn't, but..."
Jay stopped her by lifting his finger to her lips. "Shh… wait, please", he tried to calm her.
"First of all, you are wrong. You deserve everything. You deserve probably much more than I can ever give you, but I wanna still try. Do you really think I am not a mess? Hell, you have seen me spiraling so many times that I cannot even think. Yet you still want to be with me. It goes both ways. We can be messy together, although I am certain that I am less of a mess when I am with you", he reassured. Hailey looked at her in awe, like it would still be hard to her to believe that this incredible man really is choosing her.
Jay continued to talk. "Secondly, you think that it could have gone otherwise. And sure, it could have. But what you don't understand is if it had ended differently it had gone that way only because you had wanted so. There's not such a universe, where I don't want to be with you. No universe, in which I voluntarily leave you. I. Love. You. " He had decided that even if those three words had been the protagonist in this process, he shouldn't evade those. After all, his mission was to show Hailey what those words could really mean.
Hailey couldn't stop the new wave of tears to burst. She smiled so widely and leaned to kiss Jay. The kiss was so tender, like she had wanted to pour all her feelings to it. When they broke the kiss, she whispered her voice thick with tears: "Nor is there a universe where I wouldn't wanna be with you."
Jay kissed her again before returning to the kitchen. Soon he came back with their sandwiches and drinks. He sat down next to her and turned the TV on. They ate while watching the hockey game and talking about this and that. It was again like Jay would know what she needed without she had to say it aloud. They both knew that they still had things to talk about but right now Hailey was so exhausted that this little moment of normalcy was all she needed at the moment.
They had already eaten and were just cuddling, when Jay saw Hailey begin to doze.
"Hails… let's go to sleep", he whispered to her ear.
"Hmmmm… I really need to go shower first, but I don't wanna. You are so comfy and warm", Hailey whined.
"I can come with you", Jay offered. He could see Hailey hesitate for a brief moment. "We don't have to do anything else than to shower. I just want to be close to you."
Hailey smiled and nodded. Jay had guessed right, she wanted him to come with her but she was so exhausted and after what had happened today, she didn't want him to feel rejection in any way. But he had meant it, when he said that he wanted just to be close to her. Sure, when he had said that she wanted Hailey, it included all the aspects of adult relationship, but right now sex isn't what Hailey needed and his mission tonight was to give her what she needed. Furthermore, sex wasn't something they had problems with. Not at all, it had been confusingly natural from the beginning. No uncomfortable or awkward moments, just pure passion and bliss. Jay thought that maybe so much unresolved sexual tension and ability to read each other without words caused such a normalcy.
They stepped on the warm shower together. It felt so good.
"Can I wash your hair?"Jay asked, almost shy.
"Always", Hailey answered. She loved when he washed her hair, it was something so intimate without being sexual. Hailey hadn't ever been shy when it comes sex, not when it was just a sex. But other kind of intimacy had always felt weird to her before Jay. She hadn't been the one to sleep in the spoon or wash each other, but with Jay she had realized she enjoyed such things. It was once again one thing which was so different with him.
Jay took a bottle of shampoo and poured dollop to his hand before applying it to Hailey's hair. He massaged her scalp and felt how she relaxed. After rinsing her hair he applied the conditioner too. He loved Hailey's hair. It was so wild and beautiful, it was so her.
They washed themselves before stepping out the shower. Hailey held out the towel to Jay and took one to herself. After drying herself she dressed in panties and Jay's old t-shirt before climbing to the bed. Jay followed her, dressed only in his boxer briefs.
Jay took her immediately on his arms, her head resting on his chest. It felt like the morning had happened years ago. Hailey reached out to kiss him. Kisses were slow and tender, like they had wanted to calm themselves down once more before falling into much needed sleep.
They had already settled back when Hailey lifted her head again.
"What's up?"Jay smiled at her.
"Do you remember what I said this morning, before freaking out? That I wanted you, then coffee and waffles?", Hailey asked.
"Yeah" Jay answered, raising his brows knowingly.
"Do you think I can get all that tomorrow morning?"
"Oh yeah, definitely. Always for you, baby girl" Jay smirked with a glint in his green eyes.
"Good", Hailey sighed and landed down closing her eyes. Jay kissed the crown of her head and before falling asleep thought that like always, they were good again. They were always gonna be good.