Did You Mean It
"Hey," JJ looked at Spencer as he walked towards her after the wedding, "so I didn't get a chance to say it back there but thank you for saving my life." There was an awkward tension as the two looked at each other.
"You're welcome." Spencer looked at her for a moment, hearing the hesitance in her words, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." She smiled, shrugging slightly, "Luke was right though, two guns, huh? How long have you been wearing an ankle holster?"
"Around the time I got out of prison."
JJ nodded, "Right." She looked at him for a moment, still feeling hesitant, "Look so, uh, what I said back there…" she trailed off for a moment, "I needed to say something back there, I needed to say something that would get his attention, and I needed to say something that would get your attention, you know, so I just said something that would throw him off balance."
"Jennifer." Spencer cut her off, "Truth or dare?"
They stared at each other for a moment, before JJ finally spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, "Truth."
"Did you mean it?"
They stayed in silence for a moment, staring at each other, JJ wasn't sure what to say, how to tell him how she really felt. Finally after a minute of staring she spoke, "I meant it," She nodded, Spencer kept his expression stoic for a moment, "but, I wasn't talking about you."
Spencer looked at her, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What do you mean?" he asked, his voice sounding slightly relieved but mostly confused.
JJ looked at him for a moment, not sure how to explain herself, "Guys, they're about to cut the cake." Emily interrupted the pair. They nodded to her, and Spencer gave JJ a look, telling her they would talk about this later.
They didn't end up talking until a couple days later, Spencer invited JJ to his apartment after work and she knew, after what was said between them, that there was no getting out of this. JJ sat down at his couch while he poured each of them a glass of wine and placed their order for Chinese food. He joined her at the couch with the wine and a small smile, "You know you have to tell me what you meant." He spoke, deciding on the direct approach.
JJ let out a small laugh, not expecting him to be so forward, "Yeah, I know, what do you want me to say Spence?"
He shrugged, "So you aren't in love with me right?" he asked, double-checking that he interpreted her words correctly.
She shook her head, "No, Spence, I'm not in love with you. Not romantically."
"Ok, good." Spencer started, "Because you're like my sister, and that would be a little weird." He laughed, hearing her laugh as she nodded in agreement, "But, you said you meant it, that you were in love with someone that's not Will, right?"
JJ sighed, taking a long drink of her glass of wine, "Everything that I said, after I said your name, I meant, but I meant it about her."
"Her?" Spencer asked, realizing what she meant after a moment, "Emily?." JJ's lips thinned as she gave him a small nod, not sure what to say, "You know you can talk to me about this JJ, you're my best friend."
She gave him a small smile, "I know Spence, but what am I supposed to say?" she asked, frowning slightly, "I'm married, I'm not supposed to feel this way, and she's… I'm not supposed to feel this way about her."
"Why?" Spencer asked.
"What do you mean 'why', she's our boss, and she's in a relationship, and she's… "
"A girl?" Spencer asked, getting a small nod, "Have you ever felt like this for a girl before?"
JJ shrugged, "I mean, not really, I was on a soccer team all through high school and college, and I've thought girls were pretty, but I've never felt anything like this for a woman before, I've never… I've never loved a woman." Her voice broke as she finally said the words she's been feeling for years.
Spencer smiled gently at her, "Have you ever thought about talking to her about this?"
JJ looked at him like he had grown an extra head, "and say what, 'I know you're my boss now, and you have a boyfriend, and you're probably straight and I thought I was too, not to mention, I'm married, but I'm in love with you.' That would go over great, I can already hear the wedding bells." She told him sarcastically as he listened to her patiently, "God, this isn't right, I can't be thinking about this, I'm married."
Spencer put his hand on JJ's, giving it a small squeeze, "JJ, you deserve to be happy, are you happy with Will, is this the life you want?"
JJ looked at him, unsure what to say, she could feel her eyes feel up with tears. "I…" she hesitated, her voice cracking, "I love Will, he's such a good guy, such a good father, but I don't know if I'm still in love with him." A few tears fell down her face as she said the words, "oh my god," she whispers in a broken voice, "how can I even say that he's…" her voice cracked again as she wiped away tears, "he's the father of my children. He's my husband. Michael and Henry need us, they deserve to have a happy childhood with parents who are together. What the hell am I doing?"
"My godchildren deserve parents who love them and are happy, you two being married has nothing to do with it as long as you can provide them the love they need."
JJ shook her head, "I can't give them the childhood that I had, they deserve better than that."
Spencer went to speak, but was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell, he got up, grabbing their food and bringing it to the coffee table, "JJ…"
"I can't talk about this anymore Spence, just leave it alone." JJ interrupted him. He looked at her for a moment before nodding and handing over her box of food.
The pair didn't speak about the conversation for months, three months go by before JJ shows up at Spencer's apartment, tears in her eyes, "Will and I are getting divorced." He opens the door for her instantly, following her to the couch.
"Are you okay, what happened?" Spencer rushed out, concern clear in his tone.
JJ sighed, putting her head in her hands for a moment, "I've been trying, I've been trying so hard to give him the energy and love he gives me." She started, her voice a little shaky, "I've been trying to bring back what we used to have, but it's not enough, I finally realized that. Will deserves someone who can love him the way he loves them, he deserves to be happy."
Spencer put a consoling hand on her shoulder, "So do you Jayje." He told her with a gentle smile, she looked over at him and smiled back, leaning against her best friend as he pulled her into a hug, she let out a small laugh, thinking of how rare it was for him to initiate one of their hugs.
Time went by and JJ didn't tell anyone about her divorce except Spencer, not even Garcia. She was thankful for how amicably the split went, no lawyers were needed as they figured out how to divide things, sharing custody of the boys. Without any need for that, the divorce was finalized within two months. JJ never showed any signs of distress at work, taking a small amount of pride in the fact that none of the other profilers could detect anything, although a small part of her wondered if they knew, as they did when she was secretly dating Will.
When she reaches for Everett Lynch's gun, everything happens in slow motion. She hears the gunshot before she feels anything, in fact she doesn't feel it at all, she wants to aim at them, stop them, but for some reason she can't move. It's not until she's lying on her back, blood pooling out of her side, that she realizes what has happened, feels the faint pain that's masked by fading adrenaline. She sees her boys, the team, who has become her family, she sees Emily. As everything begins to fade, she sees Spencer running towards her.
When she wakes up the light is too bright and her body aches worse than it ever has, worse than it did when she was kidnapped and tortured. She smiles when she sees her best friend sitting anxiously in the seat beside her, "Hey Spence." She rasps out, her throat feeling dry.
"JJ." He speaks, his voice shaky, "I'm so glad you're okay, how are you feeling?"
JJ smiled, "I'm alright." She told him. They both chose to ignore the fact that she definitely wasn't. "Did you guys get him?"
Spencer shook his head, "Don't worry about that right now, the others are looking for him, we just want you to rest." He smiled softly, reaching forward to squeeze her hand, "Will is outside, he said he wanted to wait until you were up to see if you wanted him in here."
JJ furrowed her brows in confusion, "Yeah, of course he can come in here." She told him.
Spencer nodded, "Alright, I'll let him know, I should go tell the doctor or nurse that you're awake."
Will walked into the room a moment after Spencer left, "You really scared me Jay." He told her softly.
She smiled softly, "I was scared too, I kept thinking about the boys, how much it would hurt them if…" she cut herself off as tears built up in her eyes.
"Hey." Will stopped her, "You're alive, that's all that matters, you don't have to think about any of that." She nodded, wiping her face. "I was gonna bring the boys, but I wasn't sure if you would be up to that right away."
"I want to see them." JJ told him, getting a nod, he moved to leave the room, "Hey." JJ stopped him. He turned around, looking at her hesitantly, "You know you still matter to me right?" He frowned slightly before nodding, "You are the father of my children and you will always have a place in my heart, you're still my family Will."
He smiled, letting out a small puff of air, "Good, because you're mine too, and I'm tired of things being awkward." He comes back about an hour later, she spends a few hours with her kids, getting visits from the others when they are able to, besides Spencer, the rest of the team is still working the case. When Emily comes, Will can see the serious look on her face, "Alright boys, tell your momma bye, we need to let her rest, we'll come visit her again in the morning."
JJ was sad to see her boys go, but she couldn't help but smile when Emily pulled her into a gentle hug, "Jayje, I'm so glad you're okay, I would have been here sooner but with Lynch still out..."
"It's alright Em, I understand." JJ told her, "I'm sorry I didn't get them, I was so stupid."
Emily shook her head, "Hey, none of that, you did everything you could, and you just got shot, I don't want to hear any self-criticism." JJ smiled softly, she always felt more relaxed when Emily was around, "JJ, I need to ask you something for the case."
JJ spent the next half hour going over what had happened to her, it wasn't until she was done that she noticed Spencer hadn't come back in, "Where's Reid?"
"He had to go see his mom, her doctors called." JJ gave Emily a worried look, "Don't worry too much, he would have told us by now if anything was wrong." JJ nodded, but Emily could tell that something was still on her mind, "Jayje, no more worrying, you need to relax, no more thinking about the case or anything but getting better, that's an order."
JJ laughed lightly, wincing at the pain in her side. They sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other's company. Finally Emily caught JJ's glance, knowing she still had something on her mind, "Alright, out with it Jen, what's going on?"
JJ shook her head, "It's nothing."
"Jayjeee." Emily prompted, dragging out the name.
JJ sighed, before looking at Emily. She thought about the day she had, and knew it was now or never, "Emily, I've been holding this back for a long time, but I could have died today, and I just can't be afraid to say it anymore." She started, trying to find the right words, "I don't want to ruin our friendship, and if you don't feel the same way, we can just forget I ever said anything, but I can't keep hiding from my feelings any more…"
"JJ what are you saying?" Emily asked in shock.
JJ looked into Emily's eyes hopefully, "I have feelings for you Em, I have for a long time. I'm sorry if this is weird for you but I…" JJ was cut off as Emily leaned forward, kissing JJ gently, her hand reaching up to cup her face. They pulled away after a long moment, both smiling, "So does this mean you like me?" JJ asked teasingly.
Emily laughed softly, keeping her hand on JJ's face, "Yes, I like you, Jayje." They stayed like this for a moment before Emily frowned, "What about Will?"
JJ smiled sadly, "We're divorced. It happened a few months back, what about Mendoza?"
"We called it off a couple weeks ago, he's moving to be closer to his daughter, and we didn't want to do long distance." Emily explained.
JJ smiled, shaking her head slightly, "God we're such a mess."
Emily let out a small laugh as she looked at the blonde girl, "I'll take messy with you over easy with someone else any day."