The first time that Phinks could have said "I love you" to Feitan was when he offered him a package of cookies that he had found in the trash that day. Back then, Phinks was a small and dirty brat, probably pair of years younger and a few inches smaller than Feitan. He was usually a trouble maker and most of the day Phinks did nothing asides of picking fights with other kids or wander aimlessly into the city. Phinks rarely retreated himself from a fight, even when he was fighting with older and taller boys or girls. In fact, Phinks would almost never lose those fights, making him one of the most infamous bullies from Meteor City. Feitan also knew that Phinks´ mother was an Egypersian refugee and it was frequently rumored by the neighbors that Phinks was probably the bastard son of a foreign crime lord, after all it was a well-known fact that she would often sleep with mobster in exchange of money. Asides of Phinks conflictive antics and all the gossip surrounding his family Feitan didn´t know much of Phinks and there was no reason why Feitan had to give that kid his newfound treasure. But the afternoon Phinks´ mother died, Feitan felt some pity of that child who could not stop crying for his now dead mom. After a while trying hard of ignore Phinks´s sobs, Feitan decided to give him the whole cookie package. Phinks could have said "I love you" to Feitan, but he didn´t, instead he decided to divide the package in a half so both of them could enjoy the cookies. That was how their friendship started.
Phinks and Feitan started stay together all the time, for fun as well as for survival, since Meteor City was a soulless place where any kind of weakness could get you killed if you were vulnerable enough. For his age Feitan was pretty much invulnerable in all the areas except in his language skills. As a foreign child Feitan´s language abilities were very poor, most of what he said was barely understandable by adults and kids usually mocked him for his strange speech pattern and unusual accent. However, every time that someone dared to mock him Phinks ran to hurt (or even maim) said person. Feitan could have said "I love you" every time that Phinks hurt his bullies, but he didn´t. Instead, Feitan helped him to beat those guys to an inch of their lives, enjoying himself while doing so.
They both grew up, each own developing different interests and abilities. Phinks grew much taller and stronger than Feitan having a bold personality which matched with his physical strength and his aggressive nature; while Feitan, despite being much smaller than most of men, became a dexterous user of all sorts of swords and weapons as well as a guy of refined intellect. Eventually both became a sort of local thugs, killing for money and survival. Now that both were equally strong, they didn´t stay sticked as glue all the time like in the old times, however that didn´t mean that they weren´t friends anymore. Quite the opposite, now they were closer than before, hanging together just for the sake of it and not as a tactic for survival, like when they were children. Now they could actually have fun and spend their money in liquor, drugs or any junk food they wanted. Feitan didn´t like to spend much money, if he could get something free, he would get it free even if he had to kill for it. Phinks on the other hand, loved to spend money in all sort of luxuries like fancy clothes, religious antiquities or good tobacco. He loved to show his power in the shape of expensive clothes and other nice things. So Feitan played along and gave him (stolen) designer clothes, stereos, watches and all sort of luxurious stuff, receiving nothing in exchange aside of the loyal company and unconditional protection of his tall friend. That didn´t mean that Phinks never gave any gift to Feitan. Phinks, knowing how much his friend loved to read macabre texts eventually would acquire a collection of unique ancient books about torture, sex, occultism and all sort of taboos. Phinks could have sold it to some shady rich guy in the black market and gain a good deal of money, but instead, he gave all that collection to Feitan. Feitan could have said him "I love you" after receiving such gift, but he didn´t. Instead Feitan just brought Phinks a new tracksuit as well as a new pair of sport tennis.
Eventually when Feitan was in his teens (and already a seasoned killer) he was recruited by Chrollo Lucilfer to join to the Phantom Troupe. After joining him Feitan didn´t hesitate to suggest Chrollo to recruit Phinks too, after all he was not only one of his best friends, but also a ridiculously strong guy. Chrollo agreed and recruited him. After joining the Phantom Troupe, Phinks could have said to Feitan "I love you" but he didn´t. Instead, he decided to put all his energies to be as useful as possible to show to Chrollo that Feitan had been right about recruiting him.
In the Phantom Troupe they were together in most missions. It was rare when they were not deployed together. Both had a competitive nature and a love for adrenaline and blood so they usually were a perfect team. They shared dangers, pleasures and pains. It was in the middle of the night after one of those robberies when Phinks and Feitan ran away into the forest and knowing that there was none one around chasing them they just lied together in the wild grass and after a while talking about nonsense and sharing a few cigarettes and stolen liquor, they ended embraced together in each other arms. They both could have said "I love you" but they didn´t. Instead, they just pressed their lips against each other and enjoyed the summer breeze in the dark.
With the time people of the Phantom Troupe started to suspect about the true nature of Phinks and Feitan close relationship. Where they just good friends? Or there was something else going on? Both Phinks and Feitan could have denied those rumors, but they didn´t because lying to their fellow comrades felt treacherous to both of them. They could have said "I love you" to each other in public and put an end to all that speculation, but they didn´t. They never confirmed nor denied their relationship, since they didn´t want to bring more unwanted attention to themselves or stir tensions in the Phantom Troupe. The true nature of their relationship remained ambiguous and secretive to all the Spider´s Legs.
Many years of that relationship passed. There were days of silly jokes and laughter, nights of romance and passion; always tainted by a bit of secrecy as well as the inherent blood and danger of being member of the Phantom Troupe. However, in all those years, despite the multiple dangers and all the fun they had together neither Phinks nor Feitan ever said "I love you" to each other. After all the phrase "I love you" had always been for them a corny line in the soap operas and telenovelas than Pakunoda watched before going to sleep, real men never said such nonsense. Specially not when they were in the middle of a heist or murdering people.
Last time that Feitan could have said "I love you" to Phinks was in the middle of their voyage to the Dark Continent. Feitan´s body was dragged by one of those ungodly beasts who inhabited that merciless land and despite trying to run away from their clutches that creature dragged him like ragdoll and eventually beat him to death. Feitan could have said to Phinks "I love you" with his last breath, but he chose to not do so. Instead, he just screamed "Don´t fight this! Run away, Phinks!" as that hellish creature drained his life out of him. Phinks could have said "I love you" to Feitan before running away of that monster, but he didn´t. Instead, he mindlessly obeyed his comrade order and ran away as fast as his legs allowed him.
After Feitan´s death Phinks could have said that he loved Feitan. After all most of the remining Spiders actually knew about their relationship, they just never said anything about it to them out of respect. Now there was nothing to lose and none one to offend. However, Phinks didn´t. It didn´t have any purpose say those words if the man he loved wasn´t there to hear them.
During the rest of the voyage Phinks stayed long hours in the night paying and crying for Feitan, wishing that somehow the gods have had mercy of his soul and had accepted into the heavens. He knew that it was foolish, violent and murderous men like them didn´t go to heaven and even if they did, gods where likely absurd falsehoods and superstitions made by the society to manipulate gullible people into submission. However, despite what his "logic" told him, he prayed. Every day and every night. He prayed for Feitan until he was asleep. He still loved Feitan so much that it hurt him and his biggest regret was never being able to told him so.
Not much time after Feitan´s death Phinks meet his end too. Hisoka set a trap to kill him, and although Phinks was physically stronger that Hisoka, we wasn´t as clever or cunning as that infamous clown. After all, Phinks impulsive and carefree nature made him a perfect target for Hisoka´s carefully planned tactics. It was surprise attack could not have been prevented. And as the death embraced him in her cold and unloving arms, he started to acknowledge why neither Feitan nor him said "I love you" to each other. Actually, they said to each other "I love you" hundreds if not thousands or millions of times. Every time that Phinks treated Feitan´s combat wounds, every time that Feitan gave him free food, beer or cigarettes, every time that Phinks brought him exotic books about torture and erotism, every time when they sparred against each other to train or every time that they kissed and made love together, they said "I love you". Just without words. They said it just actions. After all both of them were men made for action.
So, when finally, death arrived at Phinks door, he smiled effortlessly, knowing that he was dying as a man with no regrets.
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I usually write in Spanish, but this time I chose to write in English because I wanted to practice my language skills and grammar (I have not been in English classes for years TAT). Probably I will make a Spanish translation later (there is almost no Feitan x Phinks fanfics in Spanish), but right now I leave this in English only.
Comments and constructive critiques are more than welcome!