"You don't have to be in this hospital. You don't have to be here."
Emma said nothing as Leo turned and walked out of her room, swallowing hard as she felt the pain rising in her chest. The pain of knowing that Leo, someone she'd thought she trusted, telling her that she was not sick. The pain of doubt, unworthiness.
He was probably right, anyways, right? She didn't have cancer, or cystic fibrosis, or a heart problem, right? She didn't have any real physical illness. She couldn't compare her struggles to any of the other red banders. In fact, why would she even think she was deserving to be in their club?
Breathing out softly, Emma moved slowly, closed the door to her room and drew the curtains back over the glass so that she was protected. She turned, blinking for a moment longer than usual, as she deliberately planned out her next few steps - undress, brush her teeth, wash her face, get in bed.
She did what she needed to methodically, emotionlessly, shutting her mind down to move through actions on instinct. It was only when she was in bed with the lights off that she really began to recall his words, over and over again, in her mind. They echoed between her ears as she closed her eyes against the blinding darkness of the room and pulled her covers up closer around her shivering body.
She didn't have to be in this hospital.
"Have you talked to Emma today?" Dash asked, swinging around the doorway into Leo and Jordi's room, where the two guys were hanging out doing nothing in particular. It was about 4pm, a Saturday, and normally the group all met up informally by now.
"Not since last night," Jordi shook his head.
"Me neither," Leo agreed. "But she was pretty angry with me for defending Kara at the dance last night, so I wouldn't expect her to want to hang around me today."
"Well Nurse Jackson said she hasn't left her room today," Dash informed them, chewing his lip.
"She's probably just pissed still," Leo dismissed. "Girls get dramatic and upset about anything."
"I dunno man," Dash doubted. He took a good look at Leo, whose eyebrows were creased as he obviously began to mentally recall the argument they had had.
"I'm sure she's fine," Jordi said, "but we can go check in on her if you want."
Dash nodded, and he and Jordi headed off to the eating disorder wing, leaving Leo behind.
Jordi was the one to knock on Emma's door, and the two boys checked the glass to see if she was there, but the partition was drawn, and they couldn't see into the room.
"That's weird, right?" Jordi checked, frowning, and Dash nodded.
"Definitely weird."
Cautiously, they cracked open Emma's door and peered in to see her sitting at her desk, writing with the most dead look on her face that either boy had ever seen.
"What do you guys want?" Emma asked softly, not looking up from her paper as she continued writing.
"To see if you wanna hang out," Dash ventured hopefully.
"No thanks," Emma said, her voice just devoid of emotion as her expression.
The two boys exchanged another troubled look.
"Are you okay?" Jordi tried this time.
"I'm fine," Emma said, still staring down at her writing.
"Well, if you change your mind," Dash left the invitation open, and waited for a moment to see if she would respond.
Emma didn't even acknowledge that he had spoken this time, and the boys had no choice but to leave the room.
I don't need to be in this hospital. I don't deserve to be in their little group. I'm not their friend.
Emma wrote the words over and over again.
I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick.
Her illness wasn't real. In fact, those girls at the dance had said they envied her anorexia. Her devotion to stick to her diet. She was a unicorn; the envy of girls. She had never felt that way - accepted by girls her own age.
Why gain weight and lose that acceptance, that pride?
After all, none of her friends here had ever treated her that way. Probably because she wasn't sick, like them. She had nothing in common with them.
Part of her knew that this was all a terrible rationalization of her anorexia caused by a storm of events the previous night had brought all together. Either of them on their own, she probably would have been able to ignore. But the girls saying she was perfect, and then Leo confirming them by saying she didn't have a problem… how was she supposed to ignore that?
Especially Leo. If Leo, who she had thought she was close with, had really, finally, told her how he felt about her 'illness', how was she supposed to ignore it?
The guys and Kara let Emma be for the rest of the weekend, hanging out together and not mentioning the lack of their friend. Dash was particularly worried, and only got more worried when she didn't show up to class on Monday morning.
He caught Nurse Jackson in the hall that afternoon, and found out that Emma hadn't eaten since Friday night.
"What did you say to Emma?" Dash steamed, entering Leo and Jordi's room. "You said you had a fight, now she hasn't eaten in almost three days. What did you argue about?"
Leo, who had looked up in surprise when Dash entered the room, stammered, "I don't know."
He did know. He knew exactly what he had said and why Emma wasn't eating, but how was he supposed to tell Dash, when he was obviously so protective over her?
But he wasn't going to let this go unsolved. He got up, grabbing his crutches and pushing past Dash.
"Where are you going?" Dash asked, swiveling around.
"I'm fixing it," Leo declared vaguely, heading out the door and turning towards the eating disorder wing.
As he approached her room, he spotted her walking towards her room coming from the other way; probably from therapy. When she spotted him, she immediately turned back around to leave.
"Wait, Emma," Leo called, trying to go faster on his crutches and relieved when Emma slowed and turned. "I'm sorry, okay?"
"What are you sorry for now?" Emma asked. The fact that her tone wasn't angry, or accusatory made Leo take a double take.
"What I said about you not needing to be in the hospital," Leo clarified. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Emma assured him softly. "You were right, anyways."
Leo was unsure if he had actually heard her correctly. "What?"
"You were right about everything. Me not being sick, not being pitied, not needing to be in this hospital." She swallowed, looking down. "I'm sorry I got angry with you, I had no right to. I'm planning on leaving soon. You won't have to worry about me being around."
Leo felt dread clench his stomach. "No, that's what I'm trying to tell you - I was wrong, it was a stupid, misinformed thing for me to say. I didn't mean it."
'Yes, you did,' Emma thought, pursing her lips. 'Now you're just backtracking to appease Dash.' She studied his expression, picking out details to justify her thoughts. 'You're lying. You don't think I'm sick. You think I shouldn't be here.'
"Emma," Leo said again when she didn't respond.
Emma shook her head, breathing deeply. "It's fine, really. It doesn't matter anyways."
She turned to walk away, but Leo stopped her.
"Then why aren't you eating?" He accused, narrowing his eyes. He couldn't figure out if she genuinely had started to believe she wasn't sick, or was just being dismissive because she was angry with him still.
Emma paused, clenching her jaw, before she whispered, "Because I don't need to."
Leo's eyes widened. "Yes, you do-"
Emma shook her head again. "And it's not your problem anyways. Thanks for being my friend for the last few weeks, but you don't need to do it anymore. I'm fine." She slipped the red hospital band off of her wrist and reached out to give it back to him, feeling her heart clench, as she repeated in her mind, 'I'm not part of his friend group. I don't need to be in this hospital.' "Goodbye, Leo," she said aloud, turning to walk away briskly and this time not stopping when he called her name again.
A/N: I know this isn't related to any of my other stories (I usually write Girl Meets World) but I sometimes write about things that I'm feeling in real life, and I've been meaning to write something from Red Band Society anyways.
Self doubt about my eating disorder is always something I've struggled with - if I'm not underweight, do I still have a problem? If I can eat sometimes, am I faking it? Do I deserve help? Am I looking for attention?
If you're struggling and need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. I always answer.
Kisses,
C