Strong enough... not to kill him
What if Ren was strong enough not to kill Han Solo? A little OS about Ben turning his back on the First Order.
My first (published) fanfiction in the Star Wars universe. After Han Solo's absolutely unworthy death in the new movie, which a heroic character like him didn't deserve, here a little correction from me. I hope, you'll like it.
Also specials thanks to my betas Sergius and DroidePlane.
This is a translation of the German version of the OS which is already published at another website under the name: Stark genug... um ihn nicht zu töten. I'd place a link but this is not working.
May the force be with you!
BW Arsen1
Ren slowly paced out onto the footbridge that led over the shaft of the oscillator, lost in thought and listening to the Force. His emotions were in turmoil since he'd interrogated the girl. She had changed something, changed him. There was something that hadn't been there before, and that was… frightening.
He sensed the planet's pulse and the terrible power that Starkiller Base was gathering. The weapon would be ready soon. Soon Hux would give the order to fire again, and again the galaxy would scream. Ren trembled even at the thought. But through his mask, nobody could see it.
Nobody could see his weakness, his fear, and his pain. To the world he was a monster with a mask and without a face.
He heard footsteps behind him, determined and timorous at the same time. Then a single name resounded through the hall which brought down Ren's whole arduously-constructed world: "Ben!" Ren froze, and fear cut him to the bone. His father! He was here!
Ren swallowed and then turned around. He was strong. He wouldn't show any weakness. Not to himself, not to Snoke and certainly not to his father.
Han Solo came across the gallery. He was older than Ren remembered him but hadn't changed a bit at the same time. The limitless folly remained. There was a blaster in the holster at his right leg. You'd better pull your gun, thought Ren, took a deep breath and controlled his troubled emotions.
"Han Solo", he said. "I've been waiting for this day for a long time." Much too long. Now the moment had come. There was no time for weakness. No time for emotions. He knew what he had to do; he finally had to end this and get rid of his weakness. The place was here, and the time was now.
Han swallowed and Ren sensed his agitated emotions. There was so much… pain in his glance. Then he entered the footbridge, slowly and without hesitating and came to him.
Run away while you still can, thought Ren.
Suddenly the upper entrance behind the platform opened. The hissing echoed through the hall, and two people appeared at the railings. Anger flashed through Ren. There was Rey and next to her, the traitor who helped the resistance pilot to escape! For a moment, Ren struggled with his emotions before forcing himself to concentrate on his father. He averted his gaze – there was time for this later.
"Take off that mask," Han yelled. "You don't need it."
Han had no idea how much Ren needed it. I am not weak. "What do you think you'll see, if I do?"
"The face of my son," replied Han.
Your son has gone long time ago, thought Ren. You'll see nothing. Ben Solo is dead. I killed him. I am Kylo Ren and I'm stronger than… everyone. Ren grabbed the locks of his helmet. The sealing opened, hissing, and he pulled the helmet off his head. The air was bitingly cold on his skin, but he barely noticed it.
Han looked at him… relieved. Happy. Because he was able to see him, almost close enough to touch him. Sorrowful, because he had lost him.
The pain was agonizing – it hurt so bad to look into his father's face. How long had they not seen each other? Six years? Longer? Since the last of those rare visits at home with Luke… No! Ren convulsively took a breath and forced himself to show nothing of this on his face. You'll see just strength. I am strong. "Your son is gone," said Ren with a firm voice, "He was weak and foolish like his father. So I destroyed him."
Han swallowed. Fear bloomed in him, and doubts rose and ate their way into him. "That's what Snoke wants you to believe," he still objected. And he really believed it. "But it's not true. My son is alive."
Did he listen to me at all? Ren wondered. He felt anger rise within him. Couldn't his father take him seriously for at least once? Did he always have to know everything better? Ren had made this decision on his own, independent from his parents, from Luke, and from everyone else. It was his life, and he would decide on it himself. And Snoke had showed him how to reach this. But how could his stubborn father of all people understand this?
"No," said Ren. Ben Solo is dead. I destroyed him, together with everything else. Snoke showed me the way. "The Supreme Leader is wise." What you can't see, because you're not able to leave your small, confined world.
"Snoke is using you for your power." Han came even closer, almost pleadingly staring at him. "When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true."
Do I? Do I really know that? Don't tell me what I know and what I don't know. What do you know? And what does that matter anymore? He had gone way too far. There was no turning back. "It's too late," he said and couldn't stop his voice from breaking. Where have you been six years ago when Luke tried to kill me? Where have you been all the time before? Where have you been when I joined Snoke? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
"No, it's not," said Han and looked straight into his eyes.
Ren felt as if his father could look right through him into his soul and see all his pain, all his fear. Ren knew what was expected from him – what Snoke expected. He expected him to end this. To kill his father and finally prove to be worthy. How could he do that? Why? Why do I have to do this? Ren begged silently. Why do I have to inflict this pain on myself?
"Leave here with me. Come home," Han continued.
The word tore Ren apart. Home. There was nothing like that. He had no home. Memories haunted him, of evenings together in front of the fireplace, of his mother's soft voice, the scent of her hair when she hugged him. Of his father's strong arms, which lifted him and in which he felt safe. Secure. Ren swallowed. He hadn't felt security since Luke betrayed him. Since this fatal day, his life was just a fight. On this day he learned what pain truly meant. And that there was just one person to be trusted – himself.
"We miss you."
"We'll miss you," Leia said and softly kissed his hair. "But you'll be safe with Luke. Take care of yourself."
If you miss me, why are you sending me away? thought Ben as he wrapped his arms around his mother. He didn't want to leave, he didn't want to become a Jedi, he didn't want to see the galaxy. He wanted… to be home.
It hurt so bad. Ren had no idea how he should endure this pain. "I'm being torn apart," he said. It was the truth, and it felt oddly good to express it. "I want to be free of this pain."
'Even you, master of the Knights of Ren, have never faced such a test.'
'By the grace of your training, I will not to be seduced.'
'We shall see… we shall see.' Ren had Snoke's words in his ears. I will not fail. I'll be strong.
"I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it." Ren felt like he was being ripped into pieces. There was hope in his father's eyes. Foolish hope. Painful hope. Only a fool can still have hope, thought Ren. He had abandoned hope a long time ago. No one would come to save him. No one but himself.
His glance slid to the platform. There were Rey and the stormtrooper, breathlessly staring down at him. Rey stared at Han – she also hoped and begged. Begged for his safety. Unlike his father, she knew the danger and wasn't foolish enough to assume that there was something to protect Han from him.
But there was something else, too. An opportunity. A tiny, desperate opportunity. What if… if he went home? If he left the First Order behind? Could he do that?
He met his father's eyes. It was so hard, as if he had to carry the burden of a whole lifetime on his shoulders. How was he supposed to do that?
It's easy, said a cold voice in his inside, the voice which turned out to be right the night Luke had tried to kill him. Take your lightsaber. End it, and you'll be free.
"Will you help me?" Desperate hope spread in Ren. He couldn't do that alone. Never.
"Yes," said Han. "Anything." Whatever you need, I'll always help you.
Ren knew what he had to do. It was just a small step – a tiny little step. But his legs were frozen to the ground. His helmet was heavy as lead in his hand, but it cost Ren infinite power to release it. With a dull bang, the helmet landed on the footbridge next to his right boot. An odd relief flowed through Ren. The time to wear a mask was over. The time had come to show the world who he truly was.
Rey's face, streaked with tears, was in front of him, fearful and angry. And an unexpected barrier was in her head. She bared her teeth as she wrestled with him. "You. You're afraid." She was in his head! She saw everything! Ren felt cold, but he couldn't fight back. "That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader!" In just a few moments she had torn down all his defenses and exposed him, brutally tearing the scab from the wound he was so desperately trying to heal. He wasn't strong. He was weak. Too weak even to take this simple map from her, an insignificant scavenger from an insignificant planet. How could that happen?
Ren took his lightsaber. It was heavy and light at the same time. His pulse rushed. The moment of decision had come. Today Ben Solo was going to die for good. There would be nothing left of him.
There is a way back, thought Ren, It's just a tiny step. He could go with his father and leave Snoke behind him. He looked up at Rey who was clinging to the railing, unable to influence the situation in any way.
Rey, who had managed to beat him, who threw him out of her head, who stood up to him and all this without even knowing what she was doing.
'The scavenger resisted you?' Snokes voice droned through the whole hall.
'She is strong with the force. Untrained, but stronger than she knows.'
She is strong. Stronger than she thinks. Stronger than she knows. Stronger than me? She looked down at him. He sensed her anger and her fear for his father, the one she had chosen to be her father. Why is he taking her instead of his own son? Ren wondered, looking back at Han.
"Where have you been?" Ren heard himself asking. "Where have you been all this time?"
Han swallowed. Pain flashed over his face and he shook his head. How could he have come to him? He had run away from the guilt, the pain, his own failure, and from the loss of his own son. But this had an end now. The time of running away was over. "Where have you been?" he asked back. He put a hand on the sabre in Ren's grip and Ren winced. "Now I'm here."
It was so easy and so difficult at the same time. Darkness fell over the room as Starkiller Base reached its maximum power. Ren heard the fateful rattle of the machines, felt the aggregates going into service, and felt the death of so many more souls approaching. King over a kingdom made of ashes, he thought.
Just one strike and you are free. He just had to push the activation button and end Han Solo's life. Just one single strike. Han wouldn't be strong enough to hold the saber back.
I'm strong enough to do that, thought Ren. He sucked in his breath and tightened his grip. I'm worthy of being an apprentice of the dark.
He saw the horror in his father's eyes when he finally realised that it was too late, that he stood in front of Kylo Ren and not Ben Solo. Ren put a finger on the button.
He sensed the feeling of loneliness filled Rey's thoughts. The pain to be always alone, to be abandoned. But now there was someone, someone who valued her. Friends. A family. The father she always wanted to have. An aim in an aimless life.
'There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?'
'Yes.'
He wasn't alone anymore. He had to fight and beat this trial. Why? he wondered. His glance returned to Rey. She hoped. She had so much hope. Enough for two?
Han Solo took a deep breath in and out. The fear disappeared and gave way to relief and peace. He lifted his hand from the saber and put it on his cheek. Ren froze. There was so much in that one touch... memory. Past. A lost future. Hope.
Ren also took a breath. His hand trembled; the saber in his grip was cold as ice. He felt the button under his finger, but he couldn't make himself press it. He was too weak. And he would always be too weak.
Han softly pressed his face, then ran a hand through his hair like he used to when Ben came home, crying and with skinned knees because he had gotten himself into trouble again. The touch said so much. Security. Love. Forgiveness. And that it sometimes wasn't a bad thing to be weak. "Let's go home, Ben," said Han.
Ren swallowed. Could there really be hope? He looked down onto the weapon with which he had taken so many lives - that had ruled his existence for so long. Maybe I am strong enough to kill him, he told himself. But am I strong enough not to do it?
He pressed the button and the lightsaber activated, humming. The light bathed everything in glowing red: Han's face, Ren's hands. He stared at the unsteady, furiously humming blade, thinking back to all the times he had sought strength in that sound, or rather in what it promised. He reached out and held the blade away from himself and his defenseless father. Then, he let go of it.
The sabre spun red down into the shaft and disappeared in the smoke. Ren looked after it and felt a suffocating chain tearing from him. He turned to his father. The latter released him and nodded towards the exit. "Let's go."
Ren swallowed hard. Then he nodded back.
Han turned around and went back down the footbridge. He followed him… and left Kylo Ren behind. It was Ben Solo who entered the gallery. Wounded and shattered, but undoubtedly Ben Solo.
Their steps echoed on the metal ground. Han led him through a corridor and Ben followed him, trying to feel something. What was it that was nestled in him? Could that be hope?
In the hallway they met Chewbacca, who indecisively clutched his crossbow and let out a nervous, wordless growl. Han nodded to him, and he lowered the crossbow. "Did you place them all?" asked Han.
Chewbacca nodded.
"Good. Let's get out of here." Han grinned and turned around to Ben. His smile was full of relief and cheer and a little grief about all the lost time.
Ben swallowed, squared his shoulders, and followed them out. Outside they were greeted by an icy blizzard – as well as Rey and the stormtrooper. Both were holding blasters in their hands and definitely angry.
"He's your son?" spat the stormtrooper as soon as he saw Han and pointed the blaster at Ben. Ben felt his anger, confusion, and fear. The stormtrooper stared at him as if he were some wild animal that had come to devour him. He put himself protectively between him and Rey.
Ben's glance slid towards the young woman who had stood up to him. She stubbornly pushed her chin out and was clutching the blaster with a determined grip, but there was something in her eyes. Something had changed. She didn't look at him angrily, but rather... speculatively. Inquiring. Suspicious.
For a moment, silence hung between them, and all that could be heard was the falling of snowflakes and the howling of the wind, as well as the distant clamour of the Resistance's attack.
"Yes, he is my son," Han replied and his voice was hard. Protective. He just had him back, and he wasn't going to let some nut with a blaster take his son away from him again.
The ex-stormtrooper squinted. Then he caved in and lowered the blaster.
"This is Finn," introduced Han him. "And this is Ben." He met Finn's eyes meaningfully.
Wordless, Finn turned around and strode away. Rey watched him go, and her gaze went thoughtfully to Ben again before she turned to follow Finn. Han put a hand on Ben's shoulder and gave him a squeeze. "Let's go. Your mother will be happy to see you."
Ben swallowed and took a trembling breath. How could he ever look into her eyes again? He let himself be pulled away by his father, full of doubts whether he had really made the right choice.
Han nodded to Chewbacca, and he pushed the button of a release in his hand that Ben hadn't noticed. Suddenly, a deafening crash filled the air, and the floor shook as the explosive devices detonated on the oscillator. Startled, Ben took cover and stumbled forward. He hurried after his father and followed him up the slope of a hill. At the top he turned around again and saw his old life burn. Saw the First Order burn. Then he turned and saw the Millennium Falcon standing in the shelter of a low rock.
Home, went through his head. He had spent half his life on this ship. It looked like a pile of junk, but... it was his home.
THE END. I hope you liked it :D