(Author's note from 2021: May 13, 2001 is the 20th anniversary of my FFN account. On that day, 20 years ago, I posted this story, which I later deleted when I temporarily left the site. I thought that in honor of the anniversary, I should re-post the story, but do it warts and all. Apart from a single spelling correction, everything else is exactly the same as when I originally posted it. No edits. Even the early-2000s style disclaimer and mid-story comments are still intact. It's slightly embarrassing, but I honestly do still enjoy several of the jokes I wrote so long ago. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.)
DISCLAIMER: Masaki Kajishima and Hiroki Hayashi created Tenchi Muyo! Geoduck created some bad unpublished short stories. When he realized that he wasn't particularly talented at creating things, he decided to borrow characters that other people created and write fanfictions about them instead. He also learned how fun it was to write about himself in the third person...
THRUNK!
...after which, he was malleted by the "League Against Self-Indulgent Fanfic Disclaimers." So let's begin the story, shall we?
Ryoko woke up. The morning was cold and dark.
Every morning was cold and dark. That's how things tended to be inside of caves. Just once, Ryoko hoped to wake up to a warm, sunny day, but no such luck. Just 251,786 consecutive days of cold darkness.
Ryoko was bored, which was understandable. Other than watching the stalagmites grow, or the antics of the occasional cockroach passing through, the cave offered little by way of recreation.
"What to do today?" Ryoko questioned herself. Eventually, she decided on a schedule of sulking throughout the day, interspersed with occasional vows of violent revenge on one Prince Yosho.
Her usual routine, in other words.
That was when she felt it; that indescribable feeling that somebody was near. That "somebody just walked over my grave" feeling that in Ryoko's case at least was actually literally true.
Ryoko closed her eyes and concentrated. This took a *lot* of energy and mental willpower, which was why she didn't do it very often. After a moment, a translucent projection of the imprisoned demon passed through the walls that sealed her in, and floated for the cave entrance.
Ryoko was not terribly shocked to see the young boy there: he was the cave's most frequent visitor. What surprised her was the fact that he was holding a hacksaw, a pair of files, and a ball-peen hammer. Why was he carrying tools? Could it be...
"He's... he's coming to rescue me?" Ryoko gasped. That had to be it. That *had* to be it.
Tenchi had had enough. Come hell or high water, this year he was going to open the cave.
For every summer of his life, it was the same: Grandpa would tease him with stories about vicious demons that some ancient legendary ancestor had subdued. But from other people, he heard other stories: that the cave actually contained gold, or jewels, or sake, or porn, or a secret underground airplane hangar.
Okay, that last one seemed pretty unlikely. Tenchi didn't care anymore, he had to see what was inside! After all, he was ten years old now, and it was high time he started finding things out by himself. And that meant entering the cave.
The cave was blocked by a gate, the gate was chained and locked shut, and only his Grandpa had a key. This had been his downfall in the past: Grandpa had eyes in the back of his head when it came to the key. So often, Tenchi came so close to getting his hands on it... but before he could touch it, the old man would appear out of nowhere, smack him on the head with a wooden practice sword, and advise him to "train harder." "What kind of Grandpa hits his kid with a sword, that's what I'd like to know," Tenchi complained to nobody in particular.
But who needed a key when you could break through the lock with tools? Tenchi couldn't believe he'd never thought of it before. With the right tools, he could break into the cave anytime, and Grandpa would never find out about it.
Tenchi arrived at the gate. While the chain was corroded with rust, it was still rather thick, and took quite a bit of work to saw through. Once that was accomplished, Tenchi opened the gate, took one last furtive look behind him ("This *can't* possibly be going this smoothly, can it?") and entered the cave.
Bad Ideas Gone Wrong Productions Presents
Tenchi Minus Five: An Alternate Universe
A fanfiction by Geoduck
Part One
"Tenchi Transgresses, Ryoko Regresses, Ayeka Arrives."
Tenchi quickly scrambled into his room, slid the door shut behind him, and leaned back, panting.
He had been so sure, so sure that Grandpa had just been trying to scare him all these years. That they could really be true, that there really was a demon...
"Tenchi?"
Yuh-oh. Grandpa!
"Tenchi? Are you in there?"
"Uh, yes?"
"Are you all right, Tenchi? I saw you running so quickly."
"I'm just fine, Grandpa."
"Hmm. Very well. I'll be making dinner soon."
"All right." Tenchi could hardly contain his relief. He didn't know! It could be days or even weeks before he saw the broken chain. By that time, vacation would be over, he'd be back home, and it could have been anybody who had broken in there. This was definitely the luckiest break he had had all day.
Out of earshot, Yosho sighed. Perhaps he had laid it on a little too thick. Some boys were frightened away by stories of demons, but apparently Tenchi was merely intrigued. So Ryoko's cave was opened a few years ahead of schedule. It was a setback, but a relatively minor one.
A clock chimed. Yosho's eyes snapped wide open in apprehension. Of course, he thought, how could I have forgotten!
Urusei Yatsura is on! And I haven't seen tonight's episode before!
Meanwhile, a moderately pissed-off demon planned her revenge. Okay, she wasn't going to be *too* brutal on him (the kid *had* freed her, after all, plus, she always thought he was kinda nice), but there's no way she could let the actions of the day go unavenged.
"You didn't have to run, you know," Ryoko groused. Okay, maybe she looked a little desiccated... and decomposed. "But come on, I've been here, what, seven hundred years? How good would you look after seven hundred years, kid?" she asked, not sounding the vaguest bit like Yoda.
So, revenge it would be! Ryoko nodded with determination. Of course, it would be hard to do without her gems. She'd need to get those back, for self-defense, if nothing else. It might help if she regenerated herself to look just a tad younger...
(Author's Note: Have you ever noticed that in OAV episode 1, there's not much indication that a considerable amount of time has passed between the cave scene and the school scene? That really confused me the first couple of times I watched it, so I'll head off potential confusion at this point and say...
SEVERAL WEEKS PASS
...Voila! Instant scene change!)
Tenchi reclined on the school's roof. It was nice coming back to his old school after being at the shrine with Grandpa for so long. But his friends had changed so much while he'd been gone. Half the boys were obsessed with which girls were "developing," (whatever that meant), while the other half were either building Gundam models or playing RPGs.
He closed his eyes. There was no getting around the fact that he wanted to tell somebody about what happened in the cave. But who? "I can't tell Grandpa, he'd kill me. I can't tell Dad, he's got stuff of his own to worry about. Plus, he'd tell Grandpa, who'd kill me. I can't tell any of my friends, they'd think I'm crazy. I can't tell Amagasaki, I think HE'S crazy."
"You could tell me."
Tenchi snapped his eyes open, sat up, and saw... nobody. He whirled around quickly, but saw he was apparently still alone on the building's roof.
"Wha? Is anyone there?" Silence. "Hello? Hey, I'm not kidding, is somebody there?" He paused for a few second, but received no immediate answer. "I just imagined something, that's all." He waited a few more seconds, desperately hoping he wouldn't be contradicted, then sighed in relief when he wasn't. "Hearing things."
"Oh yeah?"
Tenchi fell back on his rear in shock. As he got up, he saw her.
She was about an inch taller than he was, she had a mane of silvery-looking hair, and her eyes were very odd. Yellow, and they looked like a cat's eyes.
Oh, and she was flying.
"Hello, Tenchi," she purred.
Tenchi responded with a series of guttural noises that were not quite words.
"My name is Ryoko."
Tenchi continued stammering. "Ry... Ry... Ry... Ry..."
"I'm from the cave at the shrine. Remember?"
"N... N... N... N..."
"Oh who cares. I just need the sword, and I need it now."
"Sw... Sw... Sw... Sw..."
"Oh get over it, already! I know you're overwhelmed by my beauty and animal magnetism, but you're taking it a little too far. Just tell me, slowly, where the sword is."
"Wh... What..." By some miraculous means, Tenchi actually began forming coherent words. "Sw... Sword?"
At this point, Tenchi's mental faculties were being sorely tested. PRETTY GIRL FLYING: UNLIKELY TO BE NATURAL PHENOMENON. VERDICT: PLACE BRAIN ON STANDBY TO PREVENT SUDDEN LOSS OF SANITY.
Ryoko put fingers to her temples, as if she were suffering from a severe headache of the migraine variety. "From the cave at the shrine. The sword from the shrine. The one you took with you when you ran."
"B... But..."
"Look, there's no use denying you have the sword. You came into the cave, sword was there. You left, sword was gone. Conclusion: you have sword, case closed."
"I... I..."
"Just give it to me, and I won't have to hurt you, okay?"
Tenchi's mental condition took a drastic turn for the worst. PRETTY, REALITY-DEFYING GIRL THREATENING BODILY HARM. INITIATING EMERGENCY NEURAL SHUTDOWN.
Tenchi collapsed into blissful unconsciousness. Ryoko sighed. "Wonderful. Just wonderful."
Tenchi slowly woke up. "Unfamiliar ceiling," he murmured. Then he got a better look. "Hey, wait, that's my ceiling. What am I doing here?"
Someone snorted in disgust. "You fainted like a little wimp. That's what happened."
Instantly, Tenchi snapped back into sitting position. "You... Ryoko. What are you doing here?"
"Waiting for you to wake up, of course. And you sure took your sweet time doing it."
"No, I mean, what are you doing in my room?"
"Your father let me in. What are you, some kind of a prude or something?" Ryoko melodramatically clasped her hands to her chest. "Are you driven mad with desire at the beautiful maiden's presence?"
Tenchi felt his face getting hot, although he didn't know why. "What are you talking about," he screeched.
Ryoko sighed in disgust. "Listen, like I said before, I need the sword from the cave. Is it here? I'm kind of pressed for time."
"What do you need the sword for?" asked a suspicious Tenchi.
"Let me put it this way. Do you want to die?"
"N-No! Of course not!"
"Good. Then give me the sword, and you probably won't die."
"PROBABLY?"
"Or if you don't give me the sword, you definitely WILL die."
"What is THAT supposed to mean?"
Ryoko sighed. "There's a demon chasing me. Her name is Ayeka. She's hunting me down. If she finds out that I've made it out of the cave, she'll come after me. And she won't think twice about killing anybody that gets in her way."
Tenchi shook his head in disbelief. More demons?
"And for that matter, if you don't give it to me, I'll probably end up killing you myself. Now WHERE IS IT?"
Dumbstruck, Tenchi motioned frantically to a chest of drawers.
Ryoko wasted no time in opening drawers up. "Which one?"
"Top drawer," Tenchi managed to gasp out.
Ryoko slid it open but turned away in disgust. "Your UNDERWEAR drawer? You put the Master Key in your UNDERWEAR drawer?"
Tenchi nodded, unaware that the question was rhetorical.
Ryoko shuddered. "I can't believe I'm doing this." She gingerly reached in the drawer and started rooting around. "These had better be freshly laundered, or I'll have to kill you on general principle."
After a few moments, Ryoko's movements became violent and frantic. "Where is it? Where the hell is it?" She turned to Tenchi, fire in her eyes. "You lied to me."
Somehow Tenchi managed to become even more frantic than he had been before. "No, I swear it's the truth! I put it in my top drawer!" He reached in, and failed to find what he was looking for. "It's gone." Any blood remaining in his face drained out.
"Okay, so all we have to do is find it. Now does anyone else ever come into your room?"
"Just my Dad."
"Then we talk to him. Where is he?"
"Downst..." Before he finished the second syllable, Tenchi found himself being pulled across his room, THROUGH his door, and downstairs where his father was dozing in front of a baseball game on TV.
Ryoko elbowed Tenchi in the ribs. "Ask him," she hissed menacingly.
Nobuyuki's head jerked up and around at this unfamiliar voice. He looked at Tenchi and Ryoko for a moment before breaking out in a mischievous grin. "Why Tenchi, I had no idea you had a girlfriend already. Good for you, boy!"
"DAAAAD! She's NOT my GIRLFR..." Tenchi's protests were cut short by yet another vicious elbow to the ribs.
Ryoko smiled and bowed deferentially. "What Tenchi means, father, is that he has something he wants to ask you."
"Er... yeah. I'm, uh, missing something from my room. You didn't take anything, did you?"
Nobuyuki adjusted his glasses. "I don't know. Maybe. What is it?"
Tenchi absent-mindedly twiddled his thumbs. "Well, it's a carved piece of wood, about thirty centimeters long, kind of old looking..."
"Oh, you mean the sword handle you took from the shrine."
Tenchi and Ryoko facefaulted.
"How did you know about that?" screeched Tenchi.
"Your grandfather told me about it when you came back home last month. I found it in your underwear drawer when I was bringing up your laundry, so I sent it back to him."
"So... so Grandpa's got it."
"Yep. He had me send it special delivery."
"Oh." Tenchi took a few moments to collect his thoughts before saying anything else. "Is Grandpa... mad at me?"
"He didn't seem mad last time I talked to him. Of course, I never can tell with him..."
Tenchi groaned.
Far above Earth, a spaceship unlike anything ever built by man observed all. Made of carved wood, it...
...oh to heck with these descriptions. You know what I'm talking about, right? It's the Ryu-oh. Ayeka is aboard. She's flanked by Azaka and Kamidake. Sasami is around somewhere.
And just think of the valuable seconds of your time I've saved by leaving out tedious pages of descriptions of things you've already seen in the anime. I think I'm actually doing a public service here!
In fact, I don't think people appreciate the supreme sacrifices that fanfic writers... whoops, kinda got sidetracked there. Okay, like I said: Ryo-oh, Ayeka. And... ACTION!
"So, Ryoko is on this planet?"
"We are ninety percent certain that she is. We are unable to pinpoint her exact location at this moment, however."
"Why is that?"
"I am not certain, but I believe it is because she is moving across the surface at a fairly rapid rate."
"Not in Ryo-ohki?"
"No, I do not think so. I show no signs of the space pirate Ryo-ohki, only Ryoko."
"Very well. Keep orbit over her approximate location until Ryoko stops moving."
"Yes, princess. Just a moment..."
"What is it, Azaka?"
"Our sensors have located the master key."
"Tenchiken? Could Ryoko have possibly stolen it?"
"No. But she appears to be in relatively close proximity to Tenchiken. As far as I can tell, she is approaching it."
"Then we will get there first and wait for her. Azaka, Kamidake, prepare for landing!"
"Yes, princess!"
The guardians turned away from Ayeka, busy with their own tasks. They did not appear to hear Ayeka whispering her missing fiancé's name.
"I can't believe we're going all the way to Grandpa's in the middle of the night."
"Aw, c'mon son, where's your sense of adventure?"
"Yeah, Tenchi, you're no fun at all."
"This is all your fault anyway, Ryoko!"
Ryoko's eyes pooled up. "Oh, you're so mean to me, Tenchi!"
Nobuyuki whacked his son on the back of the head. "What have I told you about making your girlfriend cry."
"You've never told me anything. And she's NOT my girlfriend."
Ryoko stuck her tongue out at him. "Darn right. I'd much rather date your dad. He's much nicer than you." She glomped Nobuyuki's arm.
Nobuyuki chuckled. "That's sweet of you to say, Ryoko, but I'm afraid I'm way too old for you."
"Yeah, I know. It's just too fun to tease your son."
Tenchi hmmphed. "I'm not listening to you, you know."
"Mr. Nobuyuki, sir?"
"What is it, Ryoko?"
"Why is your son such a jerk?"
"Well, besides the fact that he has NO idea how to treat a pretty girl, he's just upset because he knows he's going to get in deep trouble with his grandpa."
Tenchi held his face in his hands. "How did I get trapped in this nightmare?"
Masaki Yosho Jurai, expatriate crown prince of the Juraian empire relaxed with a cup of tea. Facing Ryoko for the first time in centuries could be somewhat ticklish, but he had plans and backup plans for every possible contingency. Besides, it was his turf, he had the Tenchiken, and Ryoko would still be fairly weak. It might seem cruel to lock her in the cave for another five years, but he was being cruel only to be kind. There shouldn't be a problem.
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in, Tenchi, I've got something to say to you."
The door slid aside. But those footsteps... that's not Tenchi. If he didn't know better, he'd say that was...
"Excuse me, sir, but I believe you've got something that belongs to my fiancé, and I must insist that you give it back to me."
If he were a man given to violent emotional outbursts, Yosho might have exploded in a fit of sobbing and giggling at this point. As it was, he was seriously tempted to cuss.
And somewhere in his skull, he heard a sarcastic little voice saying, "Sure, EVERY possible contingency."
TO BE CONTINUED...
(Brief Author's Notes: Slight reformat, some other extremely minor changes. I hope to finish part two quickly.)
(Author's notes from 2021: So, 'quickly' has been not particularly quick, except possibly on a geological time scale. However, I do intend to post the long-long-long-long delayed second chapter on May 13, 2021.)