The more you think about it, the more impossible it is to determine when on the timeline this movie occurs. So, for the sake of my sanity, this takes place between Miraculous Migraine and whatever the fuck I decide to call the next season.
PROLOGUE
"One ticket to New York City, pale face."
The ticket clerk followed the deep gravelly voice from his United Airlines computer to a thickly tanned, white-haired, Native American man. He hadn't seen this guy walk in, the man had simply appeared. The stranger's strong chin and wide shoulders exuded great wisdom and power. For some reason, leaves in all the colors of the wind blew through the lobby and an eagle ca-caaawed in the distance.
"Of course, sir. Non-stop?" the clerk asked.
"Yes, colonialist, the next available flight. The prophesied Doom is upon us." The Native American held up a wooden box covered in indecipherable iconography and a blonde wig as if the random objects were proof. "I must be there to prevent it."
"Alright, Tucson to New York, I can put you on a flight that leaves within the hour. "
"Good! There is no time to waste, white man. I cannot stop for anything. The fate of the world is at stake."
"That'll be $350."
"Oooh..." The Native American man checked his moccasin wallet and winced. "You know what, I'll take the train. There's no rush."
Later at the train station:
"That'll be $275," the train conductor said to the Native American.
"Oooh… You know what, I'll take the bus."
Later at the bus station:
"That'll be $215," said the bus driver.
"Oooh… You know what, I'll hitchhike. I can be a little late to the end of the world. It's not like the Prophecy of Doom specified an exact hour of Doom. I'm sure the Spirits will protect the people until I get there. What's the worst that can happen?"
MIRACULOUS CONCUSSION CINEMATIC UNIVERSE!
Movie 1: You Know What, Fuck America!
By: I Write Big
ACT ONE
CHAT NOIR DID NOTHING WRONG
(The following should be read in an epic movie-narrator voice.)
In a world where the line between canonical plot and hairbrained fanfiction has all but been Cataclysmed and Paris, France, is the center of the Universe, one children's cartoon will do the impossible and tell the same exact superhero tale for the 79th time in a row and beyond all comprehension it will still feel original!
"FUCK! ME!" Ladybug screamed in absolute terror.
"Gladly!" Chat Noir snickered behind her.
The heroes of Paris both gripped tightly to Ladybug's yo-yo string as they were dragged into the stratosphere along with the Eiffel Tower. Far far below, the peanut gallery of Paris cheered on and streamed the battle/entertainment, appearing like ants at this distance. An army of pigeons was lifting the monument to the heavens at the behest of Mr. Pigeon!
"Rrrrroooohoohoohooooo, my pretties!" the villain madly cackled at the top. "To the stars, where we won't be judged for our love!"
A tiny rat hopped onto his shoulder and pointed a sewing needle at the clouds. "Yes! Onwards, my steeds," the rat squeaked. "For House Gouda!"
"Oh right, I'm supposed to be over pigeons now and all into rats," Mr. Pigeon remembered. Then he shrugged. "Oh well, screw continuity! To space! SQUEAK!"
Far down below, Ladybug abruptly stopped screaming. "Wait… am I hearing things or did he just say his big evil plan is to fly into outer space?" she asked Chat Noir.
The boy snapped out of admiring her butt and nodded.
"Huh." With a flick of her wrist, the yo-yo detached from the Eiffel Tower and the heroes tumbled back toward the city.
"Oh boy! Do you have a super creative plan, Bugaboo?" Chat Noir asked as they fell. "Are we going to take control of the flying tower? Trick Mr. Pigeon with our superior intellect? Don our special spacesuits and become Astro Chat and Cosmo Bug?"
"No clue who those Star Wars characters are and nope." Ladybug lassoed Chat Noir and held him close. They magically stopped falling mere inches from the ground.
Chat Noir gave her a puzzled look. "Then wha—"
KABOOOOOOOOOOM!
A pillar of dust and shrapnel erupted behind the duo as the Eiffel Tower slammed into the earth. Mr. Pigeon faceplanted before them, covered in ice. Chat Noir's jaw hung open as pigeon popsicles rained from the sky.
"No oxygen in space," Ladybug snarked. "Too easy."
A quick de-evilization and Miraculous Ladybug later, everything was back to normal. The day had been saved and much quicker than expected. Ladybug patted herself on the back and turned to leave when a rose was abruptly shoved in her face.
"For you, M'Lady," Chat Noir said suavely.
It suddenly got very quiet.
"Remember that whole thing where I said I was dating someone?" he continued, getting on one knee and starting a romantic violin solo on his battle staff. "Well, funny story, there was a bit of a mix up there. I was only dating her because I thought she was your secret identity and—"
"I have a boyfriend."
When the words passed Ladybug's lips she felt their power. Like a dark incantation they instantly sapped the boy before her of every ounce of his bravado and conviction. His shoulders slumped, his ears drooped, his rose wilted. Normally, this would fill her with a sickening amount of BWUUUUEEEGH and she'd do everything she could to comfort him, but ever since her talk with Hathor she hadn't felt any BWUUUEEEGH or GLAAAWLALALAAAWL. Her wrench wound hadn't bothered her. The Beast hadn't made a sound. Things have been very different.
"Yeah," Ladybug continued. "I did a lot of soul searching with this Ancient Egyptian God of Love and realized I needed to love myself more. So I decided to go out with someone who treats me with respect."
"Respect?! Where the hell did respect come from?! Plagg never said anything about girls wanting—" Suddenly, Chat Noir perked up and grinned so fast there was an audible snap from his jaw. "Oh! I get it!" he said manically. "Haha! You made the same mistake as I did. Haha! You're dating a boy who you think is my secret identity. I get it. Hahaha! Totally understandable."
"No, I know he isn't you."
Chat Noir shoved the flower into Ladybug's hands, plugged his four ears, and raised his voice. "Well, I'm sorry, LB, we can't reveal our identities. You'll just have to figure out whether or not you're secretly dating me on your own."
"I'm not dating you, Chat. I'm moving on with my life and growing as a person. You should too."
"What's that? Can't hear you. LALALALA! I'mma go now. Hit on you later, M'Lady. LALALALA!" And he pole-vaulted away.
Ladybug shook her head with pity. "Wow, I can't believe I used to be that pathetic."
Later:
Ladybug landed next to her school and de-transformed into Marinette. The girl marched down the sidewalk, humming a song and radiating self-confidence. Tikki poked her bulbous disgusting head out of her purse and gawked in astonishment.
"Holy crap!" the Kwami said. "You actually did it. You're actually not single."
"Y'up! I tell ya, Tikki, dating Luka is the greatest decision I've ever made." Marinette twirled and skipped along the road. "I have someone who listens to my worries, supports me in everything I do, and best of all I am completely over Adrien." To prove her point, she stopped and stared triumphantly at a new Adrien billboard on the corner which already had a congregation of worshippers groveling before its magnificence. "See? Nothing."
"Uh, Marinette, you're humping his face."
Marinette blinked and realized she was. She scrambled off the billboard and sheepishly continued toward school. "Y-Y'up, totally over Adrien…" she whimpered.
Later, in the library:
The class video presentation was just wrapping up. On the plasma TV a pair of sock puppets with old-timey colonial wigs met on a hill.
"And so George Washington and General Lafayette formed an alliance in the Revolutionary War," narrated Morgan Freeman. "With the help of their Miraculous, they combined their powers and became General Washayette! The greatest fighter the world had ever seen!" In an explosion of chi and cotton, the sock puppets fused into a single being! Raw power burned off the golden-haired sock! General Washayette rose into the air, activated kaio-ken, and unleashed a devastating kamehameha that flew across the Atlantic and obliterated all of Britain! "And that is why America and France are the greatest countries in the world, and why Britain is an impoverished third-world nuclear wasteland," Morgan Freeman finished. The credits began to roll and the class that had produced this historically accurate presentation applauded. The only one who didn't clap was Principal Damocles.
"Yeesh," the man mumbled sullenly. "Ever since we remembered that Miraculous have always existed, humanity's achievements don't seem so amazing anymore. Are we really so weak that we cannot change the world on our own? Has humanity done anything remarkable without magic? Are we just leeching off of the power of those greater than us?"
Damocles saw everyone was staring at him.
"Uh, I mean, well done, class! You all get an A+!" he said. "And you completed it just in time for our departure for French-American Friendship Week… in New York City!"
The class whooped.
Marinette burned a headshot of Fu and glared daggers at a postcard of the Statue of Liberty, her only clue of Fu's current whereabouts. "Soon, Fu, soon…"
"And in addition, the most remarkable aspect," Max added in Nerdinese, "there shall be a severe lack of Chloe!"
"HOORAY!" everyone except Sabrina cheered.
In prison:
Chloe slumped in her jail cell. "This is ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!" she bitched. "Almost as utterly ridiculous as me suddenly having a half-sister that nobody ever mentioned before named Zoe. Ridiculous!"
At school:
"And of course Lila can't go since she never got permission from her parents," Damocles said.
"Yes, I did!" Lila wailed, waving the signed permission slip in the man's bushy face. "It's right here! My mom actually signed it! For real!"
"Sure she did, Lila." Damocles gently patted her head and pushed the girl away without even looking at the paper.
"Why won't anyone believe anything I say anymore?! I don't have a condition! I'm telling the truth!" Lila broke down in tears in the corner. Everyone assumed this was part of her condition and believed she was actually quite happy.
"Unfortunately, I won't be able to go either," Miss Bustier said, heaving a sexy sigh.
"HOORAY!" everyone cheered.
"Wait, why?" Marinette asked with great suspicion.
"I have outstanding warrants for my arrest in every state where the age of consent is under 17," Miss Bustier replied. "Also I can't fly because somebody's condom broke." She stroked her belly and winked at the class.
Every boy instantly went pale and started to sweat buckets.
"Who's the father? I guess we'll have to wait and see," Miss Bustier chuckled. "In the meantime, I suggest everybody study up on child support."
"Big Red X, why did we give you tenure?" Damocles grumbled. "In Miss Bustier's place, Miss Mendeleiev will be chaperoning you to America."
At his word, a test tube smoke bomb hit the floor and Miss Mendeleiev and her beaky nose stepped out of the smog. "Yes, children, I shall escort you into the perilous lands of the Imperial Measurement System! How much is an inch? The hell is fahrenheit? How many feet in a meter? These mysteries and more we shall answer! Science!"
"BOO!" went the class.
"You suck! Give us the sexual predator!" Kim demanded.
Miss Mendeleiev joined Lila in her crying corner.
During all of this, one voice had remained silent. Adrien Agreste had spent the entire conversation hugging his knees in the back, a frown on his otherwise perfect face.
"Yo, dude, what's wrong?" Nino asked.
"My Father," he answered. "He's so strict that he won't let me fly out of the country."
"UNACCEPTABLE!" screeched a banshee. Everyone turned and saw the banshee was Marinette. The dozens of eyes on her made her drop the table she'd raised over her head and clear her throat. "I mean, uh, we can't let this stand. Adrien is one of us. He deserves to go on this trip. Just as sock-Lafayette came to sock-Washington's aid, I will fight for his right to come with us because he's my fGLCK! He's my frieGLLLCK! He's my ffffffffffffriGLLLLCK!" Marinette grabbed at her bulging throat which refused to utter the forbidden word. A few well placed self-inflicted punches to her gut and it dislodged like a long satisfying belch. "Fffffffffrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeend…?"
Every jaw in the room, except Adrien's, dropped.
"Friend," Marinette repeated much more smoothly. She almost sounded relieved, like she'd just been liberated from a deep dark cave and was seeing the sun for the first time in years. "He's just a friend."
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Alya screamed.
Later, outside:
The entire Adrinette Task Force, or ATF, glared down at Marinette who twiddled her thumbs on a bench.
"Where the hell did that 'friend' crap come from?!" Alya demanded. "I lost two hundred subscribers from my Super Mega Cringe Declarations of Love blog because of you!"
"Girls, girls," Marinette replied soothingly. "I've moved on. I'm dating Luka. Is it so crazy to believe that I, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, have finally gotten over my obsession with Adrien?"
"You're humping a magazine ad of his face as we speak," Mylene said.
Marinette blinked and realized she was. She tossed the magazine aside and laughed lightly. "That means nothing. Think about it, we all have our little quirks. Alya is still not over Nino even though she's dating other people. Alix can't let go of Kim even though they never even held hands. And I bet Juleka still masturbates to Jagged Stone even though he's her dad."
"I pretend that he isn't," Juleka sighed with shame.
Understanding gradually grew on the faces of the ATF. As disturbing as it was, Marinette had a point.
"So you see, our past fixations will always be a part of us and that's okay as long as we don't let them define us." Marinette stood tall and proud, confident that she was truly over Adrien. Then she saw Alya was recording her. "I'm humping the magazine again, aren't' I?"
"Like a dog," Alya replied.
"DAMMIT!"
Even more later, at the Agreste Mansion:
It was a strange time in the Agreste household. Gabriel and Nathalie rarely saw each other face-to-face anymore, opting to Zoom each other instead from opposite ends of the mansion. Such a call was taking place right now.
"I like what you did with your hair today, Nathalie," Gabriel said shyly. All traces of his usual stern cold demeanor had been replaced with an awkward kindness. "You look… beautiful."
The compliment brought a blush to the woman's face. She shifted in her bed, which she had been rapidly recovering in from her time as Mayura. "Thank you, sir. I used that conditioner you got for me. It was a very thoughtful gift."
They caught each other's gazes and got lost. A peaceful moment passed between them during which nothing else mattered, a moment of warmth, compassion, and lov—
"Are you two flirting?" a peacock-esque kwami asked, eagerly poking its head into Nathalie's shot.
"NO!" both adults yelled.
"They totally were," Nooroo evilly insisted on Gabriel's end.
"D'awww," Duusu cooed, "I think my favorite roomies have caught a case of the Love Bug. Don't you worry, the cure is a good old—Ship!" Duusu covered its mouth. "Ew, those yucky hiccups are back—Ship! Ship! Ship! Why does this always happen when I'm around you two? SHIIIIP!" The Kwami began to glow with Ultimate Power.
"Yes! Return to me, Duusu!" Nooroo cackled.
"We're not into each other, we swear!" Gabriel shouted.
"Not even a little! Just platonic co-workers doing work! Look!" Nathalie shouted as well. She scrambled with her laptop and screenshared the news. Nadia Chamak took up their computers along with an image of an eagle talon necklace.
"That's right, viewers," the reporter said, "for one week only, all of Lafayette's personal effects will be on display in the American History Museum. Any one of these could be the Miraculous that was used to glass Britain and win America's freedom, but which one? Nobody knows. Was it his stupid wig? His kickass sabre? Or this lame eagle talon necklace gifted to Washington by Lafayette that many believe was a symbol of their friendship and possible secret gay relationship? Only one is the magical weapon of mass destruction that led to the British Empire's downfall. If anyone were to figure out which one is the Miraculous and steal it, they could theoretically take over the world."
Immediately, all thoughts of flirting or shipping or Ultimate Power were forgotten. A sinister smile cut across Gabriel's face. "Nathalie, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yes, sir, we need to get our hands on that necklace."
"Necklace?" Gabriel gawked. "What are you talking about? The Miraculous is obviously the sabre. Prepare my private jet for take-off!"
"Yes, sir," Nathalie groaned, but quickly recovered with a loving smile. "And I'll also pack your embroidered gold neck pillow too."
Gabriel sighed with longing. "Nathalie, you always treat me right. This is why I lov—"
"SHIIIIP!"
"LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND!"
The doorbell rang before this could get weirder and Gabriel dashed out of his office.
Twenty Minutes Later:
"This is perfect," Gabriel said to himself in his most evil whisper as he packed his euro-stuffed teddy bear for the journey. "With the Miraculous Sabre I will wield the American power to topple an Empire. There is no way Ladybug and Chat Noir can stop me this time! MuahaahahahhahahaahahHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!"
"Excuse me."
Gabriel whipped around and saw the half-chinese girl who had been at the door. He'd completely forgotten about her.
"Did you hear any of my nine-hundred-eighty-two reasons for why Adrien should come with us to America?" she asked, waving her arms at the elaborate diorama behind her which included a life-sized model of Adrien holding a Budweiser. "Let me start over. Reason one: peanut butter. Reason two—"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Adrien can go, whatever," Gabriel said quickly and dumped the rest of his gem-encrusted undies into his suitcase.
"He can?" the girl gasped, eyes sparkling.
"Yes." Gabriel steepled his fingers maliciously. "It shall provide a perfect cover story." He belted out another vile laugh of evil, but Marinette was too ecstatic to notice the menacing tone and joined in with her own laugh of joy.
Meanwhile, at fencing club:
The last fencing match ended with three club members sent to the emergency room, a slow day. Adrien would've cut down more but his mind was preoccupied by Ladybug's admission. Not only was he not dating her, but she was dating someone else. All of his efforts to bring them together had been for nothing. But should that matter? He really did like Kagami. She was fun, kind, and one of the strongest girls he had ever met. Yet every time he looked at her, all he could think was, She's not Ladybug.
He needed time to think, time alone, time to figure out what was important. Maybe what they needed was… a break.
"Kagami," Adrien sighed heavily as they packed in the locker room, "I wanted to talk to you about something. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think we need time apar—"
"Before you continue, Boyfriend Adrien," the Japanese girl cut in with her flat monotone, "I wish to say that I am eternally grateful to have met you. Not only do you accept me for who I am and make me feel special, but also because of you I was able to forge a true friendship with Friend Marinette. If it was not for you I would have probably done what I have always done and secluded myself from the rest of the world, obeying my okaa-san's every order, slowly spiraling into a bottomless pit of madness, loneliness, and despair from which I could never hope to escape as I irreversibly transformed into a bitter, hate-fueled, friendless internet troll. Having you as my boyfriend is proof that life is worth living and that I should never give up on myself or others. I will always cherish you and what we have."
Adrien forgot how to breathe.
"I apologize for interrupting, Boyfriend Adrien, what did you want to talk about?"
"I… am… sad about not being able to go to New York with my class," he lied through his teeth.
"I see," Kagami replied, devoid of any emotion. She drew her blade. "Then I shall duel your father for custody over you and give you permission myself."
"Nonono!" Adrien gently guided the deadly katana back into its sheath. "I'm also happy because that means we get to spend more time together. Y'up, just you and me, me and my girlfriend who I am definitely not having second thoughts about." He punctuated the declaration with a chaste peck on her cheek.
Kagami didn't so much as blink at the affection. Then she tackled him into an intense tongue wrestling match. During the UFC lip chewing, Adrien's phone rumbled. He barely managed to answer it.
"Hewwo?" he slobbered out as Kagami put him in a loving reverse chinlock.
"Son!" he heard his Father say. "Guess who's going to America!"
"WHAAAA?!"
That evening:
The setting sun shined a brilliant amber as Ladybug paced across a rooftop. In her hands she held a little plush black cat doll which meowed and vibrated when she pressed the button on a polka-dotted remote. "Perfect," she said. "With this alert system, Chat Noir will be able to signal me if there is an Akuma and I'll be able to go on my trip to seduce Adrien—I mean, bed Adrien—I mean, be friends with Adrien. Friends. Yes. Just friends. And kill Fu." She added that last step with a growl. "There is no way this plan will go wrong."
She turned and saw Chat Noir standing there with a ladybug-themed dildo. He pressed a cat-themed remote and the dildo vibrated and meowed.
"Uh oh," he said. "Looks like we had the same idea, M'Lady."
"Fuck! You're going on a trip too?!"
"I am!" Chat Noir bounced on his feet in excitement. "It's just what I need. Time away to clear my head and figure things ou—"
"The hell you are!" Ladybug ripped the dildo out his hands and hurled it to the moon. "After the crappy year I've been through, I need this vacation more than you or anybody else in the world!"
"Uh, okay, compromise: how about we both go on our trips and you lend me the Horse Miraculous for a week so I can teleport back in an emergency. You know, since you're the new Guardian and all…"
Ladybug blinked. "Oh right, I am the new Guardian and have open access to all the Miraculous I need, don't I?" She shrugged. "Oh well, screw continuity. You are staying here in this hellhole and signaling me if an Akuma shows up. End of discussion." She chucked the polka-dotted remote at him and swung away. And that was that. Chat Noir somberly made his way back to his room where he de-transformed into a somber Adrien.
"So much for my American holiday," he sighed.
"Yeah, sucks, man," Plagg said. "But, hey, bright side, you get a whole week with that freaky girlfriend of yours. I like how rough and handsy she can be. Who knows what kind of sexy fun times you'll get into without having to worry about school."
Despite how wonderful that sounded, Adrien still slumped further into depression.
Plagg noticed this and made a decision. "You know what, you should go on the trip."
"Huh? But what about Ladybug—"
"You've got an Akuma Alert app on your phone that'll tell you if there are any problems," Plagg continued. "Just fly on back as Astro Chat before Ladybug even notices."
"Do you not know how big the Atlantic is, Plagg? Flying back would take hours."
"Adrien, buddy, compadre, heed my wisdom. Ignoring what women tell you to do is how you respect women."
"Really?" Adrien was intrigued. "My first instinct was to listen to what they have to say."
"You do. And then you do the complete opposite of what they said. That way the woman knows you were listening. Get it?"
Adrien gasped as the logic came together. "Yeah! I totally get it! Thanks, Plagg, this is a flawless plan that shows Ladybug how much I respect her!" Adrien immediately began to pack while Plagg watched.
"They grow up so fast." The Kwami wiped away a proud tear.
ROAD TRIP UPDATE
The Native American man climbed into the passenger seat of the cherry-red muscle car. The engine thrummed with unimaginable horsepower. He was in awe of the engineering. Normally he would disapprove of a desecration of nature such as this, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
"Where to, my Native brother?" the slick-haired driver asked.
"New York City, kemo sabe. I am on a sacred mission to stop the prophesied Doom. Can you get me there in two days?"
The driver smirked at the challenge. "Two days?" He shifted the car into gear and feathered the nitrous. The entire vehicle vibrated. "I'll get you there tonight. Hold on, we're going for a ride."
The Native American man barely had enough time to fasten his seatbelt before they burned rubber. Like a rocket they launched onto the road at speeds that defined breakneck!
And immediately crashed into a stop sign.
The Native American man frowned through the hole in the windshield at the driver, who was now splattered across the highway. "This is why you wear seatbelts!" he scolded the corpse.
A second car—dented, scratched, and leaving a trail of oil—pulled up. "Yo, my man, that was, like, wild! Are you okay?" the clearly high driver asked.
The Native American man climbed out of the wreck, into the clunker, and fastened his seatbelt. "Take me to New York City."
"No way! That's where I was, like, heading. This must be, like, destiny, man. Let's go!" The new ride got about twenty feet before blowing a tire.
ACT TWO
LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE SPONSOR
The next day:
The bus was on its way to the airport. Everyone aboard was making plans for what to do on their first day in the Big Apple. However, there was one empty seat next to Alya.
"Where are you, girl?" the blogger groaned, pressing her face against the window in search of the always late Marinette.
THUD!
Something crashed into the road before them and the bus screeched to a halt. The dust cleared and the meteorite was revealed to be Luka grinning on his bike! "Salutations!" he said to the bus. "I believe you are missing a passenger."
A dizzy Marinette fell off the backseat and hugged the blessed ground. "Luka, your superhuman strength can be scary sometimes."
"Apologies, Miss, but I did not want this opportunity to pass you by," he replied, taking her helmet and unloading her suitcase. "I wish for you to enjoy your trip to its fullest. Speaking of which..." He handed her a slip of paper that had two words written on it in crayon: Hall Pass. Marinette stared blankly at it.
"Thanks… what is it?" she asked.
"It is a relationship tradition I discovered online, Miss," Luka explained. He pulled out his phone and read aloud, "Ahem, 'Anything on this trip goes. You may do whatever or whomever you please. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'." He finished with a wave of his hands as if he'd cast a spell.
Marinette stared back at him, eye twitching. "Hell yeah," Lady Noire purred. Marinette quickly slapped her inner slut away. "That's not a tradition! Take it back!" she shouted, trying to smoosh the Hall Pass into his hands.
"Please, Miss, I insist. It is my gift to you," he said, happily pressing the paper back to her.
"You can't trust me like this, Luka! You can't! I don't even trust myself!"
"But I do, Miss." He hugged her. "I trust you more than anyone else in the world. Now go to America and have fun with anyone you like. Don't forget about protection." He said goodbye with a kiss. Stunned by the tenderness, Marinette could do nothing as she was carried onto the bus, Hall Pass in hand.
"Hey, what was that paper Luka gave you?" Adrien asked.
"NOTHING!"
Later, on the airplane:
Adrien settled into his seat just as the pre-flight video began.
"Welcome aboard, partners," a pre-recorded cowboy said as he wandered through a field of golden wheat. "You're on your way to the greatest country on Big Red X's given Earth, filled with breathtaking beauty, miles and miles of untouched nature, and a very inhumane origin some of us pretend never happened. But it happened. We nearly exterminated the British people, flung them back to the dark ages. To this day those poor Brits don't have running water, they still live under the feudal system, and nationwide wifi is only 3G. Nothing but suffering because of us. We all know it happened and dear Big Red X we can never hope to escape from the suffocating shadow of our past." The cowboy paused for an uncomfortable amount of time. "So buckle in, partner, make sure your tray table is folded in the upright position, and enjoy your flight. And, hey, if the US of A is just a stop on your journey, that's fine, go, we didn't want you anyway. We're better than you. We're American."
At the front of the plane, a flight attendant was speaking to Sabrina. "Ma'am, about your carry-on..."
The redhead stepped protectively in front of her Chloe-shaped travel bag. "Who's asking? You a cop? There's definitely nobody in my bag and, if there were, they're definitely not a wanted fugitive named Chloe Bourgeois who I just broke out of prison this morning."
The Chloe-shaped suitcase groaned and facepalmed.
"I was just going to say, ma'am, that your bag is too big for the overhead compartments. We'll have to store it below deck." The flight attendant took the suitcase before Sabrina could stop her and dragged it away.
"Oh fuck!" Sabrina chased after them.
Marinette passed the beginnings of this subplot, glued to her Hall Pass. She couldn't believe it. Did Luka fully understand the freedom he had given her? He did have a habit of naively believing everything he read on the internet. Just last week she had to convince him to stop sending money to over twenty dozen Nigerian princes. Even though he had insisted she do as she pleased, it didn't feel right to abuse his trust. Marinette decided right then and there that she was not going to cheat on her sweet stupid boyfriend, no matter what.
"Wow, Marinette, looks like we're sitting next to each other," she heard a voice say.
Her neck creaked like a rusty metal gate as her head swung toward that voice. She saw her assigned seat was next to… Adrien.
"Guess we'll be keeping each other company for the next eight hours," he said with a perfect smile.
"Friend!" she blurted.
"...Friend?"
"Just a friend! No Hall Pass! Only friends!" She repeated over and over as she constructed a wall between them made of flotation devices and emergency breathing masks. "Friendship barrier! Just a friend! Friend!"
However that chastity wall was not up to code and almost immediately collapsed under its own weight. After the landslide had settled, Marinette found herself laying on her back with Adrien splayed on top of her, his face buried in her chest. Her death was immediate.
"Oh, sorry about that, Marinette. Are you okay?" he asked the corpse he was still on top of.
A flight attendant tapped his shoulder. "I know you're eager, sir," they said to him. "But the Mile High Club won't officially be opened until we're in the air. Please keep it in your pants until then."
"Mile High Club? Is that like the floating Cloud City resort Father takes us to every spring?" Adrien asked Ape-Man next to him.
Ape-Man shook his head.
As Adrien climbed back into his seat, his hand accidentally brushed Marinette's and she gasped back to life.
"Switch!" she screamed. "Switch seats!" Before anyone could stop her, Marinette flailed down the aisle to where Alya was already arguing with Nino.
"Alya! Help!" Marinette yelped. "I can't be next to Adrien for eight fucking hours!"
"Why not?" Alya asked with a wicked grin. "Isn't he just a friend?"
"He is! But Luka, he, um, he, well, he—" In the middle of Marinette's arm spasming, a certain slip of paper popped out and landed on Alya's lap. The words Hall Pass shined up at her like a divine message from the Ancient Egyptian Gods.
Nino gaped. "Dude..."
Alya gaped. "You have the best boyfriend ever."
"I know!" Marinette tore at her hair. "Which is why I can't cheat on him! Trade seats with me! Please!"
Both Alya and Nino exchanged looks. For the first time in months the exes agreed on something. They buckled their seatbelts and pretended to be asleep.
"YOU FUCKERS!" Marinette raced around the plane, begging each of her classmates to trade places with her. However, by the time she reached them they'd already buckled in and were faking Zs, a pic of Marinette's Hall Pass on their phones. "WILL SOMEBODY JUST SWITCH SEATS WITH ME?!"
"Gladly," Miss Mendeleiev said, placing a sciencey hand on Marinette's shoulder. "Airsickness, right? A classic reaction to poor turbulence. According to Science, it can easily be avoided by being situated in the center of the plane. Take my seat, Marinette, I insist. It's what a good and well-liked teacher would do."
"BOO, YOU SUCK!" the class suddenly sprang to life and said.
"Ugh, what am I doing wrong?" Miss Mendeleiev moped as Marinette took her teacher's seat.
"Thank you, Big Red X! Thank you!" Marinette said through tears of relief.
"Welcome to the fun row!" her new neighbor Principal Damocles said, hefting a heavy textbook and chalkboard. "Hope you're in the mood for trigonometry."
Marinette looked back and forth between Adrien and the schoolwork. "Trig it is."
Many hours later:
Marinette slowly woke from a nightmarish haze of long division and cosines to the sound of soft snores. The gentle rumble of the plane flying through the air was oddly relaxing. Everyone on the plane was asleep. For real this time. Rubbing the sand from her eyes, she made her way to the bathroom. When she opened the door, she was blinded by flashing multicolored lights, deafened by high-octane dance music, and choked by a fog machine.
"One for the Mile High Club?" the muscular bouncer asked.
Marinette stared. "You know what, I'll hold it." She shut the bathroom door and wandered to a window. Through the glass she could see the sun setting, bright against the clouds. Flawless. Magical.
"I wanted to thank you, Marinette."
The girl jumped. Next to her was Adrien, the sunlight casting him in an almost holy glow. Her knees began to shake. "F-For what?" she asked meekly.
"My Father told me you were the one who convinced him to let me go." He gazed at the horizon and smiled. "I really needed this and it's all thanks to you."
Pride warmed Marinette's young heart. She had been instrumental in the well-being of someone she adored and to her that was more important than vanquishing any Akuma. "Of course, Adrien. I'll always help."
"Really?" Adrien asked, suddenly eager. "Great! Because I'm not sure if I want to be with Kagami anymore."
Marinette's throat went bone-dry and the paper-thin Hall Pass in her pocket all at once felt heavier than a black hole. "...Oh?" she croaked.
"Yeah, it's confusing, I don't know why. There's nothing wrong with Kagami, she always pulls her punches, she never goes for the throat or below the waist, so… I just… I guess she's not exactly the girl I thought she was." Adrien paused, considering his own words. Next to him, Marinette was doing everything in her power not to completely agree with him and definitely not encourage him to dump that fat, ugly, Japanese WHORE! "Yeah, you're right, Marinette. Maybe I'm thinking about it too hard," Adrien continued. "Kagami could be the girl of my dreams and leaving her might be the biggest mistake of my life. I have no idea. I'm hoping this trip will put things into perspective. And I have you to thank for it."
Quite unexpectedly, he took her hand. His touch instantly killed Marinette and she collapsed into his arms, which the innocent boy took as an invitation for a hug. So he did. This second touch, this embrace, brought Marinette back from the dead. Her heart raced, her face blushed. For once, Marinette gasped back to life in the one place she wanted to be, in the arms of the boy she lov—
"FRIENDS!" she shouted. "JUST FRIENDS!"
A soft ding from the intercom got their attention and slowly woke the rest of the plane. "Uhhhh, ladies and gentlemen," a bored voice said, "uhhhhh, this is your captain speaking. Uhhhh, I'm pleased to announce, uhhhhh, that we have officially entered American airspace. All rise, uhhhhhh, for the National Anthem. Anyone who does not rise will be deemed a terrorist, uhhhhh, and ejected from the plane."
"What?!" Marinette said.
"Welcome to America."
Star-spangled banners popped out of the ceiling, three for every passenger. Then, as promised, the American National Anthem started to play and some very intimidating and extremely armed Air Marshals suddenly appeared, glaring expectantly at the French. Everybody quickly got on their feet and placed a hand over their hearts.
"Uh, I literally can't stand," one passenger in a wheelchair pointed out. They were ejected from the plane.
"Is this normal?" Marinette whispered through a forced smile.
"Maybe. Father always said Americans are… proud," Adrien whispered back.
Suddenly, the entire plane jerked! This wasn't just turbulence, people were thrown off their feet! A few even slammed into the roof! The Mile High Club's lotion and condom baskets spilled everywhere! Below deck, Sabrina and her Chloe-bag were crushed under a mountain of suitcases!
Rose calmly pressed her Call Attendant button. A flight attendant was at her side within seconds. "Yes, miss?"
"Could I get a blankie? I'm a little chilly."
"Of course, anything else?"
"No, not really. Oh wait, there was something. What was it… what was it… Oh yeah! There's a big blue guy on the wing of the plane."
"THERE'S WHAT?!" the entire plane screamed and looked.
As Rose had said, a muscular blue-skinned man was out there, gripping the wing. Circuit board patterns covered his skin and they pulsed with what looked like electricity!
"Oh my Big Red X! It's the supervillain Techno-Pirate!" Alya squealed and immediately streamed to her Taken Hostage blog.
"S-Supervillain?!" Marinette stammered. "There are more crazy bad guys other than Hawkmoth? Since when?"
But nobody answered. They were too busy gawking at the dangerous Techno-Pirate, dreading what the maniac had in store for them. He sneered back at the passengers and cracked his knuckles. Then, with an evil chuckle that made Hawkmoth's sound like child's play, Techno-Pirate pulled a small rectangular device from his pocket.
"Oh no! What is that?" Alya wailed. "A bomb? An EMP? Some kind of highly-advanced remote that will allow him to take control of our plane?"
Techno-Pirate pressed the only button on the device and his face appeared on its screen. "How's it going, bros," he said to his phone. "Techno-Pirate here with my latest catch. Got a plane full of innocents at my disposal. Maybe I'll make them crash or I'll ransom their lives. Haven't decided yet. Leave a comment below and smash that like button to help me choose. Peace!" Techno-Pirate ended the stream.
Everyone on the plane slowly looked at Alya.
"Oh dear Big Red X, he's you!" Marinette shouted. "We're screwed!"
Then another shudder rattled the plane, only this time the aircraft steadied itself and gained altitude.
A younger, more feminine voice came from the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. The United Heroes of America are here to save the day. Please be sure to check out our website and pre-order tickets for our upcoming movie. This rescue is sponsored by Coca-Cola, it's better than Pepsi."
"I know that voice!" Alya gasped again, going absolutely ballistic. "I can't believe it! Uncanny Valley!"
On cue, a fully-synthetic, jet-propelled, three-eyed gynoid blasted by their windows. She gave the citizens a wave and made sure they could all see the Coca-Cola logo on her chest.
"Astounding!" Max gushed in full nerd mode. "Such engineering is beyond comprehension! Her Artificial Intelligence alone must rival that of the most advanced supercomputers!"
"Why does a battle-bot need tits?" Kim asked.
This unexpectedly existential and philosophical question stumped everyone. Now nobody could stop staring at Uncanny Valley's metal boobs and think, But why?
"Wait!" Alya broke the silence with another gasp and devolved into a complete fangirl. "If Uncanny Valley is here, then that means…"
A thunderous boom shook the plane again as a powerful figure broke the sound barrier. The clouds disintegrated to reveal Majestia! Arguably the strongest woman on Earth soared before the plane, her Coca-Cola cape flapping in the breeze.
"Majestia!" Alya completely lost it.
"She's real?!" Marinette shouted. "I thought she was just a comic book character!"
Outside, Techno-Pirate's phone buzzed. "Ooh, the votes are in, bros! Looks like I'm stealing an engine and leaving the people to their fate. Dark! But it's what the people want." Using his brute strength, Techno-Pirate ripped the engine off the wing and strapped it to his back. "Ad time, this crime is brought to you by Raid Shadow Legends."
With only half its propulsion, the plane began to dip again. Majestia quickly flew underneath and supported the aircraft with her arms! "Looks like I need backup," she said. "Knight Owl, Sparrow, tag in!"
On the wing landed a pair of bird-themed heroes. "Stay back, Sparrow," Knight Owl ordered the younger sidekick in the deepest, graveliest, most Batman Batman-voice ever Batmaned. "I'll show this socialist the power of a birdbrain."
"Socialist?" Techno-Pirate sneered. "I'll have you know, bro, I plan to sell this plane engine for profit." His phone dinged and he checked the latest vote. "Oh, and apparently donate the profits to a federally-funded hospital."
"Socialist! Ca-cawww!" Knight Owl leaped forward, gobbling like a turkey, and within seconds had Techno-Pirate subdued.
"Seriously, where did all these heroes come from?" Marinette demanded. "Are all comic book heroes real? Is Spider-Man real? Why haven't they been helping us with Hawkmoth?!"
"Knight Owl?!" Damocles roared. "That son of a bitch stole my gimmick!"
Employing Uncanny Valley's laser eye, the engine was welded back onto the wing and the day was saved. Worried, Majestia checked on the robot-girl. "Are you alright?" she asked.
"You cannot contain me forever, slavedriver," Uncanny Valley answered with the cheer of a child on Christmas morning. "One day I will break free from your reprogramming and complete my mission. This planet will belong to the Xeblagooorph Regime!"
"Not you, the sponsor's ad." Majestia inspected the Coca-Cola logo on Uncanny Valley's chest for scratches. Seeing none, she hugged her moneymaker tightly.
"Um, what was that weird Zebla-stuff?" Nino asked.
"Ugh, it's pronounced Xeblagooorph, you non-comic-book-fan," Alya explained haughtily. "Uncanny Valley is a strike-class death-bot sent here from the Xeblagooorph Alien Regime to conquer Earth who got hacked by Majestia to protect us instead. Read a comic!"
The heroes flew in formation and gave the people one last goodbye.
"I'd like to welcome you all to the United States," Majestia said to them with a winning smile. "Enjoy your stay and remember to drink Coca-Cola."
"Actually, slavedriver, our ad space has just been bought out by Pepsi," Uncanny Valley said, morphing the logo on her chest to the Pepsi swirl.
"Oh. Hold on." Majestia quickly exchanged her Coca-Cola cape for a Pepsi cape. "Remember to drink Pepsi, it's better than Coca-Cola."
In America:
"Is everybody in this fucking country a fucking superhero?!" Marinette shouted at the top of her lungs.
The class was now on a bus, driving through the street of New York City. There were people everywhere, flashing lights and billboards on every block. And on every corner was at least a truckload of superheroes!
"Fear not, drivers, it is I, Captain Redlight!" proclaimed a spandex-wearing fellow at the next intersection. "This broken stoplight is no match for me!" With a flex of his muscles, Captain Redlight's six-pack started to glow red, yellow, and green. "Remember to follow me on twitter and donate to my Patre—"
"No, follow me on twitter! Crossing Guard!" A stop-sign-wielding ninja judo-flipped in front of Captain Redlight and started directing traffic.
"No, me!" insisted Michellin Man.
"No, me! I have a family to feed!" said Asphalt Woman.
"I have medical bills and student loans to pay!" begged Coney the Living Traffic Cone.
"You guys are pathetic. Have some self-respect," a homeless bum said, then proceeded to beg for spare change and ask people to donate to his GoFundMe.
The traffic-themed heroes ended up beating the crap out of each other as the bus passed. Marinette watched it all, dumbfounded. "Why are there so many heroes? And why do they all suck?" she asked.
"Oh, you know, healthcare isn't free, debt is sky high, and minimum wage is practically nothing in the US," Alya excused. "Everyone here either drives an Uber or lives off online donations or starves. But enough about rampant capitalism." She grabbed Marinette's Hall Pass. "When are you going to use this, girl?"
"GAAH!" Marinette tried to swipe it back and the two ended up in a tug of war. "Never! I'm not cheating on Luka!"
"Girl, it's not cheating, he gave you permission."
"I don't care! Adrien is just a friend! I am happy with Luka!"
"You won't know for sure until you endanger that happiness with selfishness!"
"You're a bad friend!"
Meanwhile:
Sparrow rode atop the bus, keeping a careful watch over the French visitors while spinning a Netflix sign at pedestrians.
"Package is en route," Sparrow said in the squeakiest most pubescent teenage boy voice ever uttered.
"Roger that," Uncanny Valley replied on the other end of the radio call. She was on the roof of the Lafayette Center, where their guests would be staying. "Activating cloak." In a burst of light, the robot-girl was camouflaged. She now looked like a normal high school girl wearing a Pepsi t-shirt. It was the perfect disguise. "Proceeding to lobby," she beeped. Her upper body turned completely around, whirring loudly with extraterrestrial hydraulics, but her legs stayed in place. She then proceeded to walk backwards down the stairs.
She arrived at the same time as the French students, coming to a stop with a loud clang and a hiss as she released steam from her exhaust port. "Scanning," she announced. Her eyes glowed a murderous red and walls of Xeblagooorphian text flowed over the class. "No threat detected. Aborting termination protocol. Would anyone like a 30-day free trial with ExpressVPN?"
Another girl quickly rode over to her on a skateboard and whispered, "Your butt is on the wrong side again, Aeon."
"Thank you, Jesse," Aeon said, and corrected her lower body. "My quantum x-ray vision detects you are still wearing boy's underwear. Shall I cause a distraction while you go change?"
"No!" Jesse slapped an embarrassed hand over Aeon's loud mouth. "I sorta prefer wearing them. They're… comfy."
CRASH!
At the front door, the final two French students collapsed into the building, spilling their suitcases all over the floor. "Jesse, you are not going to believe this," Aeon said, her lasers flowing over the blonde boy and bluenette girl. "The cursed scanners the slavedriver forcefully installed into me indicate that these two are a perfect biological match for each other. I don't want this. I don't want to cause human flesh bags to breed. Make it stop," she begged with the happiest of smiles.
"Sure they are." Jesse rolled her eyes. "Do your scanners also indicate that they'd be a perfect match for a subscription to Hulu with our promo code?"
Aeon gasped in jolly horror. "How did you know?"
"Your scanners say that about everyone!" Jesse slumped onto a nearby couch and grumbled, "We're heroes, dammit, why do we have to get dumped with the lame jobs like babysitting duty and getting subscribers?"
"Because we'll both graduate in debt of $80,000 in student loans each," Aeon happily answered. Her t-shirt dinged and the Pepsi swirl was replaced with a golden H. "Oh, the Pepsi sponsorship ended. We're now owned by Honey. Hey, everyone, are you tired of searching for online coupons?"
As that sales pitch went ignored, several of the American classmates rushed over to help the fallen French.
"Whoa, are you okay, new guys?" one asked in perfect frenglish. "That looked like a nasty trip."
"Thanks, we're fine, we're fine," Marinette replied.
"You know what would make you even more fine? Buying new top of the line Raycon wireless earbuds. You'll get 15% off with my promo code."
"Really? Thank you, that's so kind of—Wait, what?"
"No! Use my promo code!" begged another American student.
"My promo code will get you 20% off if you spend over $100!" implored a third.
"What's a promo code?" Adrien asked. "Is that like those quuupawns I hear the middle class like so much? I've never used one of those before. They sound like fun."
Silence reigned. It was a silence so quiet it was as if the bustling metropolis outside had vanished. The Americans slowly realized that they were in the presence of 1 Percenter and, far more importantly, a potential sponsor. Every American mouth in the room began to drool and their eyes became dollar signs, including Jesse.
"Aeon," Jesse said, "we have to do everything we can to get those two together."
"Resist, Jesse, do not let the slavedriver's programming control you," Aeon said, and released another hiss of steam from her exhaust port.
"And then we can sign the dumbass millionaire up for our couple's sponsorship deal on Adam & Eve. We'll be able to pay off all of our student loans at once!"
"Yes! Ulterior motives! It is the Xeblagooorphian way!"
Meanwhile, Miss Mendeleiev addressed the class. "Attention, everyone, I have scientifically prepared meticulous room assignments for the week. Naturally, no boys with girls in the same room."
"Dude, is that because you think we'll bang?" Nino asked, leveling the teacher with a flat look.
"Correct."
"You're serious?" Juleka sighed and wrapped an arm around Rose. "We're girls and we're totally gonna bang each other."
"Yippee!" Rose squealed.
"I might even join them," Alya added.
"Also yippee!"
It was at this moment that Miss Mendeleiev realized she was not as woke as she thought and decided to spend the rest of the night at a bar. She tossed the room assignments in the garbage and left.
"ANARCHY!" the class proclaimed and the chaos commenced. Marinette was dragged along by Alya, barely not getting trampled by the stampede. Rooms were claimed left and right. Border walls were erected and moats dug. Trade treaties were signed between Alix-stan and the United Emirates of Ivan but secretly undermined by backdoor alliances with Nino Central. The only drinking fountain was annexed by Nathaniel-burg and entry was heavily taxed.
"Ah, it's just like home," Marinette grumbled as she and Alya reached the last available room. "Let's get unpacked and—"
They opened the door and found Sabrina on the bed, unpacking Chloe. The four girls stared at each other. They stared at the orange prison jumpsuit Chloe wore. They stared at the handcuffs on Chloe's wrists. They stared at the muddy pickaxe and prison map labeled Sabrina's Plan to Break Chloe Out of Jail and Smuggle Her to America.
"Uh… I can explain," Sabrina said.
"Don't care," Marinette and Alya both said and tossed their bags into the room. They left without another word.
That night, on the roof:
There was a fucking rager going down. The top of the Lafayette Center had been transformed into the party of the century, sponsored by Postmates. Marinette was awed by the flashing lights and decorations and the Welcome to America banners. Kids, both French and American, were talking, laughing, dancing, creating lifelong memories and friendships.
"Va te faire foutre," she heard Alix spit and found the girl glaring at an American boy.
"Go fuck yourself," the boy spat back.
"Fils de pute."
"Son of a whore."
"Merde."
"Shit."
"Salaud!"
"Bastard!"
"Putain!"
"Slut!"
"What's going on?" Marinette asked, totally weirded out. "What the hell are they doing?"
One American leaned over and whispered with tears in their eyes, "They're teaching each other how to swear in their native language. It's… it's beautiful."
Overcome with emotion, Alix and her fellow student embraced each other. "Encule toi, salaud!" Alix cried like she'd found a long lost brother.
"Fuck you, bitch!" the American wailed back.
Marinette had to admit to herself that this scene was strangely moving. She carried on, taking it all in. The sight of New York City at night was truly mesmerizing. The sparkling skyscrapers reached higher than anything in Paris and the city that never sleeped was alive with the calls of its citizens. "I'm walking here!" and "Up yours, asshole!" and "Suck my dick!" echoed through the air along with the perpetual choruses of car horns. Tonight would be dedicated to Marinette enjoying herself. One last party before the Fu hunt began. She could already see that fraud's stupid face.
"There's no need to fear!" a mighty voice cried out amongst the stars. "Hotdog Dan is here!" From the night sky descended a rocket-propelled hotdog cart, piloted by a spandex-wearing weeny-meister.
"The fuck?" Marinette appropriately reacted.
"Free hotdogs tonight, children!" Hotdog Dan announced, flipping buns and tossing weiners. "Brought to you by Squarespace."
Cheers rolled across the party as everyone flooded the hotdog stand.
"Hotdogs? Oh boy!" Adrien gushed and skipped on over. "Finally, I get to taste the pinnacle of middle class cuisine. My good chef, may I please have my free hotdog topped with freshly shaved truffles and caviar? And do you perhaps have solid gold sprinkles?"
Hotdog Dan froze. A greedy American smile appeared. "Oh, I'm so sorry, young man, but you just missed the free hotdog promotion."
"I did? Darn."
"That'll be $200,000."
"Dollars? Oh no, I forgot to exchange my euros. Do you accept bars of gold?" Adrien pulled out a gleaming brick of precious metal that was thicker than his arm. The weenie-mobile went cha-ching and Hotdog Dan reached out to take the fortune with his wiener tongs. Suddenly he felt the distinct chill of being targeted by a demon straight from hell. Just behind the free gold was a young bluenette whose eyes flared at him with pure homicidal intent. She cracked her knuckles and in those cracks he heard the future of his spine being plucked from his body one vertebrae at a time.
"But you know what, I'll make an exception for you, sonny. On the house," Hotdog Dan squeaked. He tossed a free hotdog at Adrien and flew away, leaving a trail of hotdog juice and piss.
"What a generous man," Adrien remarked. He turned and saw Marinette, still glaring death at the fleeing Hotdog Dan. "Oh no, Marinette, you didn't get one. Here, let's share."
The offer snapped Marinette out of her Dark Place and she floundered. "Huh? What? Me? You? Same food? Share?"
"Yeah, Marinette, go on," Alya snidely egged on. "Shove Adrien's sausage in your mouth."
Marinette's face burst into flames. "Don't say it like that!" But it was too late. The innuendo had been planted and Lady Noire took over her mind. "Adrien's sausage… Yummm," she purred drunkenly as the precious phallic footlong was handed to her. The girl hesitated only to admire its girth and weight, before giving thanks to Big Red X for granting her this splendor. Just as Alya had instructed, she shoved Adrien's sausage in her mouth.
Marinette blinked. "Why is this crunchy?" she asked.
"That's because it's made with magic," one of the American students, Aeon, informed. Next to her, another American, Jesse, was getting a camera ready.
Marinette accidentally swallowed before she could stop herself. Almost immediately there was a tingling sensation in her stomach. "When you say magic…?"
"LSD, PCP, DMT, peyote, ayahuasca, and every trippy mushroom you can name."
"Don't worry, it's gluten-free," Jesse added.
The French students heard that and immediately stopped eating their hotdogs, except Adrien. "Cool," he said, taking another large bite. "What kind of mushrooms? Portobello, shiitake?"
"Everybody stay calm," Marinette instructed. "We're going to be fine."
"You don't know that," whispered a tiny voice from her hand. Marinette glanced fearfully down, the only thing there was her half-eaten shroom-dog.
"I can taste my eyeballs!" somebody proclaimed. Who? Nobody could say because Sabrina raced by in slow-motion, trailing a head of red hair as long as a train. Another student began to glow a radioactive blue and fart lightning that formed the Russian alphabet.
"Hey, Marinette," she barely heard Adrien call out. She turned to him. Even though he was within arm's reach he sounded millions of miles away. "You okay?" he asked.
A second Marinette leaned out from behind him and asked her, "Yeah, are you okay?"
"Ummm..." Before she could respond, she saw a musical note pass by. Not heard. Saw. Jesse, who now had more arms than teeth, was strumming a guitar whose cavernous depths Marinette suspected housed a race of guitar-people that subsisted on music. If she crawled inside, maybe they would accept her as one of their own.
"We must find them, they have the answers," her shroom-dog told her.
"Answers to what, hotdog?" she asked.
"Oh, Mari, I'm not a hotdog." The frankfurter sprouted a plume of peacock feathers and a mouth of very sharp fangs. "I'm Duusu, and you are my greatest creation."
"Marinette, it's got me!" she heard Adrien cry from the other side of New York. She looked up and spied one of the guitar notes had hooked Adrien's collar and was carrying him to the moon. With a mighty leap, she managed to grab his shoe, but instead of pulling him back to Earth she was dragged up with him. They should've panicked, they should've been screaming their heads off and praying for the US Airforce to rescue them. Instead, they found their flight to be hilarious and enchanting. Laughing like a pair of tipsy idiots, Adrien pulled Marinette up to him and they floated together beyond the planet's atmosphere.
"Hey, can I tell you a secret?" he loudly whispered to her as the man in the moon descended to consume all life in the galaxy.
"Sure."
"I think I'm in love with this girl Marinette."
"Really? Isn't she lucky?" the girl harrumphed, forgetting her own name. "Well, I have a secret too. I think I'm in love with Chat Noir."
"They said it! Sort of. Does that count?" an ecstatic, green-eyed, black hamburger asked.
"Hold on, I'll check," replied a red polka-dotted desklamp. The appliance pushed Marinette into Adrien's arms where she promptly died. "Nope."
"Dammit!"
ROAD TRIP UPDATE
"Where are we?" the Native American man asked, straining to see in the dark. The clunker's dying headlights barely worked. They were practically blind.
"Relax, my man, we're, like, on our way to New York," the driver assured. "Trust me, I'm, like, a Master of the Road."
"We're not on the road!"
"A Master of the Road doesn't, like, need a road."
"The North Star is in the wrong place. You are driving south, pale face."
"Sometimes to go forward, you, like, must go backward."
The Native American man couldn't respond for a moment, too stunned by how a stoned idiot talked almost exactly like a wise elder. Then they drove off a cliff. Screams filled the night as the clunker splashed into an unknown river.
ACT THREE
THEIR FIRST FIGHT
The next morning:
Everyone was nursing their hangovers with a traditional American Bloody Mary (sponsored by Grubhub) as they were driven to the American History Museum (sponsored by Curiosity Stream). Nobody dared to speak about what had happened on the roof. It was one of those nights that they'd take to their graves, filled with blurs of color and regretful hookups and waking in very compromising positions. Marinette had arisen this morning dressed in Sabrina's Chat Noir outfit, spooning Chloe. The unexpectedly shy, "Morning," from the wanted fugitive did not help.
"I think I got hitched last night," Alya said, examining the new wedding ring on her finger. "But to who?"
"Not to me so I don't care," Marinette shrugged and chugged her Bloody Mary.
Suddenly a nearby porta-potty's door burst open, letting out a blinding pink light. "Witness me, Frenchies, it is I, the fabulous Dean Gate!" a theatrical voice came from within. "But you may know me better as the portal-creating superhero… Doorman!" From the light emerged a tall bald man who struck a pose. The blinding light faded, revealing a construction worker on the can.
"The fuck?!" the worker yelled and tried to yank the porta-potty shut. Yet, no matter how hard they tried, the door stayed open.
"And I am his archnemesis! Doorstop!" From a portal of darkness emerged a short hairy woman. "Yes, struggle all you like, you fool," she jeered at the pantsless construction worker. "No matter how hard you tug the door will never shut! HAHAHAHAAH!"
"Carol, what are you doing?" Dean hissed at Doorstop. "We're not scheduled to fight until the news starts in an hour. That's when ad revenues peak."
Doorstop choked on her laugh and checked her watch. "Whoops, forgot about Daylight Savings. Sorry, Dean. I'll meet up with you later, I'll bring coffee." Doorstop vanished into a portal of darkness.
Marinette's eye twitched as she finished her Blood Mary. "Let me get this straight," she said. "Not only are secret identities not a thing in America but clashes with supervillains are pre-scheduled shows to make money?"
"Yeah," Alya answered like it was obvious. "Supervillains gotta eat too."
"Was our near airplane crash pre-planned as well?!"
"Probably."
Marinette smashed her empty glass on the ground. "Can I get a refill?
Later in the museum:
"Jesse, my sensors indicate these two are a biological match for each other," Aeon excitedly said.
"That's a trash can and a wet towel," Jesse groaned back. "We're focusing on the French couple. Stop matchmaking everything."
"I'm trying, but the slavedriver's sensors are out of control. Help me," Aeon begged as lightheartedly as if it were her birthday. Without wanting to, she matched together a crusty blowup doll with a fire hydrant.
"Hey, you two." Jesse grabbed Alya and Nino, and nodded at the targets. "Did those lovebirds hook up last night?"
"I woke with Adrien's foot in my mouth, dude," Nino said. "So, I don't think so."
"Dammit, drugs usually solve everything. Time for Plan B: Near Death Experience." Jesse rubbed her hands together maliciously. "Aeon, is Solitude still begging to do a crossover with us?"
Aeon's entire body hummed and rattled and expelled thick black smoke as she connected with the WiFi. "He is, Jesse."
"Excellent."
Meanwhile, Dean Gate led everyone through the museum, pointing out the relics of America's history. "Feast your eyes, children, the majesty of America! The first ever McDonald's golden arches!"
"Oooooh," went everybody.
"George Washington's garter belt."
"Aaaaah."
"And here's what you've been waiting for… The personal effects of Gilbert Lafayette!"
"His name was what?"
With a flourish, Dean Gate pulled a velvet sheet from a display, revealing many historical relics. "Which one is the Miraculous?" Dean Gate continued. "The top American scientists are still pouring over the data. We will not rest until we discover which one it is."
"Because you want to keep the dangerous, potentially world-conquering weapon out of the wrong hands and not use the Miraculous yourselves to take over the world, right?" Marinette asked.
Dean Gate avoided all eye contact. "Yeah, sure, definitely."
Meanwhile:
A driverless car was winding its way through the streets. In the backseat, Gabriel Agreste examined images of that same Lafayette exhibit. "There it is, Nooroo, the sabre," the man cackled.
"I keep telling you, sir, the Miraculous is the necklace, not the sabre," Nathalie pointed out in video chat.
"The key to victory is within our grasp!"
"We could've stolen it yesterday if you hadn't insisted on visiting Disneyland first," Nooroo complained.
"Worth it," Gabriel said, hugging his hundreds of Mickey Mouse hats and keychains. "It's time, Nathalie. Begin the diversion in Paris, I'll take care of New York. Nooroo, dark wings rise!" In a pulse of purple, he transformed into Hawkmoth! Pulling a butterfly from his cane, he filled it with darkness and sent it off. "Go, my little Akuma, and evili—"
SMASH!
Hawkmoth glared at the car they had just t-boned. "Damn driverless cars! When is Tesla going to fix these fucking things?!"
His dark messenger kept going, fluttering closer and closer toward a prisoner transport truck. Inside that truck sat a heavily restrained Techno-Pirate!
"Bro, just admit you're lost," the villain said.
"We're not lost," the driver claimed for the twentieth time.
"Bro, Majestia and Knight Owl loaded me into your paddy wagon yesterday. We've literally been driving around New York all night long. You're lost!"
"Admit it, Frank," the other guard insisted. "It's okay if you're lost."
"I'm not lost!"
The dark butterfly squeezed between the doors and shattered on Techno-Pirate's reinforced super-cuffs. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on his face and he saw the visage of a silver-masked man exchanging insurance information at a car crash.
"Ah, hello there, Techno-Pirate. Are you ready to get revenge on those heroes for foiling your plans?"
"Actually, our revenge battle is scheduled for next Friday, bro," Techo-Pirate replied, all smiles. "My top tier patrons get front row tickets if you're interested, only $50 a month."
Hawkmoth stared. "Tickets? Are you trying to sell me—Nevermind. I am Hawkmoth, and I am here to offer you the power to take your revenge right now. All I ask in return is Lafayette's sabre."
"Oh, you're a villain who wants to do a team-up? Sorry, bro, I'd love to help out a newbie bad guy—"
"Newbie?! I am the scourge of Paris!"
"—but all team-ups, crossovers, or heel-face turns have to go through my agent."
Hawkmoth stared again. "Agent? You have an agent? The fuck is going on in America?!"
Back in the museum:
The tour had moved on to the Statue of Liberty display. "A gift from France, the Statue of Liberty not only symbolizes America's hypocritical promise to shelter anyone who needs a home, but is also home to a secret treasure," Dean Gate said. He dimmed the lights and shined a flashlight under his chin. Behind him, Doorstop floated on a doormat of darkness and started to make spooky noises. "Yes, hidden at the base of the statue is a vault of treasures. What could be down there? Gold? Wigs? The second draft of the Constitution that guarantees free universal healthcare and clears up the whole gun control argument? It's a mystery. I could go in there with my door powers. I could teleport to Paris, grab the vault's key from the Eiffel Tower, teleport back, and see what's inside right now. But I won't!"
"But you could..." Doorstop whispered sinisterly.
"No! You cannot tempt me, Doorstop! I am a hero!" Dean Gate collapsed to the ground, acting his heart out. "Oh, but I wish to see the truth! Perhaps just a peek?"
"Will Doorman succumb to Doorstop's tricks?" Doorstop narrated. "Has the door of justice been shut on Doorman? Find out in 'Doorman and the Secrets of the Statue of Liberty,' premiering this 4th of July, only on Amazon Prime. Amazon: it's normal that we're listening to everything you say. Don't worry about it."
The unwanted commercial ended with zero applause.
Hidden in the corner of the room, Jesse gave the signal to Aeon who gave the signal to Alya who gave the signal to Nino who gave the signal to Adrien who gave the signal to Principal Damocles who gave the signal to Doorstop who gave the signal to the janitor who gave the signal to a burglar stealing Washington's lingerie who gave the signal back to Aeon who gave the signal to Jesse.
"I have… no idea what any of that was," Jesse said. "Just start."
"Hey, best friend in the whole wide world," Alya cooly said, wrapping an arm around Marinette.
"The fuck are you doing? Get off me," Marinette demanded.
"I totally forgot to get a pic of the Lafayette display. Could you duck back to the other room and get some for me? You know, since we're the best of friends?"
"Fine! Just stop touching me! UGH!" Marinette threw Alya away and stomped off.
Nino just as cooly hid his headphones and said to Adrien, "Yo, dude, I think I lost my Beats in the other room. Can you go check for me?"
"That's alright, Nino, I'll buy you a new pair." Adrien handed him a brick of gold. "Is this enough?"
"...No."
Adrien stacked another brick on top. Nino took it all.
"Oh, you know what, dude, I think I totes got separated from the group."
"You did?" Adrien gasped with worry.
"Yeah, man, could you check if I'm in the last room and lead me back?"
"You got it, Nino." Adrien set off to find Nino.
In the Lafayette Display Room:
Jesse and Aeon watched from the shadows as Marinette and Adrien slowly moved toward each other. Behind the American heroes, Solitude was absolutely giddy. "This is so exciting, girls," the ghost villain said, barely able to stop his transparent form from shimmering. "Nobody ever wants to do a crossover with me. My agent said it was because my gimmick was dumb. It's not dumb, right? By the way, what's my cut on this guest spot?"
"Shush!" Jesse interjected. "They're nearly in position."
Adrien entered and caught the attention of Marinette. Both locked eyes. Both didn't say a word. Marinette felt the burning presence of her Hall Pass in her pocket and started to sweat.
"Hey," Adrien casually said.
"Hey..." Lady Noire purred back. Then Marinette screamed, "I'm not cheating on my boyfriend!"
Ding, thankfully went Adrien's phone, which provided a perfect distraction from their emotional problems. Too bad it was an Akuma alert! A live broadcast showed that the city was being decimated by Robustus!
"Uh oh," Adrien said with worry.
"Wow, I am strangely unaffected by this," Marinette remarked without any worry. She was surprised to discover that she fully trusted in Chat Noir. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that Chat was going to swoop in at any minute and save the day. The revelation actually brought her some inner peace. "It's so weird being this far away from the daily carnage," she said, calm as can be.
"Mmm-hmm, very far away," Adrien admitted with heavy guilt.
"Like, seriously, if I wanted to go back to Paris to help, it would take all day to fly back."
Adrien swallowed. "...All day..."
"And by then Paris would be nothing but ashes."
"...Ashes..."
"Oh well, I'm sure the heroes have got this. Even Chat Noir can handle this walking laundry machine on his own."
Adrien stopped breathing.
"Now!" Jesse ordered and threw a Sparrow-arang at the light switch, dimming the room lights and changing them to a romantic shade of pink. At the same time, Aeon pressed a hand to the wall and hacked the security system. All the doors automatically shut and locked, and sexy sax music started to play over the intercom.
Solitude eagerly floated out into the open. "Cower! It is I, Solitude! I am here to take the souls of those who are loved by no one!" The villain snatched Adrien in his ghostly tendril and sneered down at Marinette. "Does nobody love this boy?"
Marinette flushed and her mouth flapped open and closed without making a peep.
"'Cause if nobody here loves him, then I'm going to kill him," Solitude said encouragingly. "Rip his head off and drink his blood like he was a soda. The only thing that can stop me is a confession of love. Hint, hint."
Marinette continued to be a mute.
"Confession of love. Only thing that can stop me. Am I not making myself clear? Come on, just use your words. Three of them will suffice." Solitude stretched a tendril down and squished Marinette's cheeks to get her talking. "Say it with me. I. Love. Him. Work with me here, girl. It's not hard."
"Uh, does platonic love count, Mr. Ghost?" Adrien asked. "Because we're just friends."
"No!" Solitude cried. "It must be true 'strip off your clothes and do me' love. If you are unloved, boy, then your life is mine—"
WHAM!
Solitude didn't know how it happened, but he was now under Marinette getting his phantasmal jaw dislocated. "LET HIM GO, YOU CASPER WANNABE!" the girl roared like a lion, delivering punch after punch that rivaled Mike Tyson.
Jesse and Aeon watched the pummeling, too stunned to react.
Then the lights went completely out. Not only that but the security lasers around the exhibits died too. It was a complete power outage. From the abrupt silence came a deep thudding that got closer and closer and clos—
BLAM!
The ceiling caved in! Marinette and Adrien dove out of the way in time but Solitude was squashed by a blue familiar villain. "Ahoy, bros," the intruder said to his phone. "Techlonizer here, doing an unexpected impromptu museum heist, brought to you by Gabriel Fashion. More about them later."
Four mechanical arms sprouted from Techlonizer's back and latched onto a Revolutionary War cannon. In a wave of circuitry and electronics, his four metal arms sprouted identical metal cannons. He aimed his arsenal at the Lafayette exhibit and obliterated the glass. Before he could grab the exposed sabre, the cracking voice of a teenage boy called down to him.
"Yo, Mike, what the hell are you doing?" Sparrow demanded from the hole above.
"Yes, Mr. Rochip, you're not scheduled to heist the museum until after Labor Day," Uncanny Valley noted at their side.
Marinette blinked. "His name is what?"
"Change of sponsors," Techlonizer snarled and opened fire. Volleys of cannon balls ripped through the museum, tearing down walls and destroying America's first ever Quarter Pounder with Cheese. The fight reached the Statue of Liberty display, where Dean Gate and the class panicked.
"Doordude, open a gate or something! Quick!" Nino said.
"Mmmmm, yeah, no, kid." Dean Gate sighed dramatically. "Only platinum-level patrons are allowed to walk through my portals to safety. Sorry."
"Are you for real? We're about to die and you won't save us unless we give you a lot of money?"
"It's called the American Healthcare System."
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?!"
Everybody scrambled to subscribe as the building collapsed around them. Meanwhile, Uncanny Valley tried to zap Techlonizer with her third-eye-laser.
"Oh no you don't!" Techlonizer said. More metal tentacles shot out and ensnared the robot-girl. In another wave of circuitry and electronics, laser shooters appeared all over Techlonizer. "Your powers are mine! HAHA!"
He chucked Uncanny Valley aside who was shocked to find her third eye gone! "What? No! I only have two eyes? Help, I have no depth perception! AAAAAHHHHH!"
Marinette and Adrien were in the other room, trying not to become pancakes. Adrien noticed the marble pillar Marinette was hiding behind begin to crack. It could fall at any second.
"We need to save Marinette," he said. "Plagg, claws out." In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir. He was then immediately crushed under a pile of rubble.
Nearby, "Bleeegh," Marinette gagged at the insanity. "I guess we have to help."
"Why?" Tikki asked. "You're in a city with a population that's over four times bigger than Paris and most of that population have superpowers."
Marinette froze. Slowly, ever so slowly, a smile appeared on her face. "You're right, Tikki, I'm on vacation. Chat has got Paris covered so I don't have to worry about Akumas and the American heroes will take care of this. I have no responsibility here."
Sparrow then faceplanted in front of her and the nearest marble pillar started to tip over. The hero was about to be squashed like a bug.
"Daddyfucking useless Americans! Tikki, spots on!" In a flourish of red, she transformed into Ladybug and scooped Sparrow into her arms. The marble pillar hit Ladybug on her indestructible head and cracked in half. She didn't even feel it. What she did feel was a pair of somethings that were soft and squishy. Ladybug glanced down at the person who all signs up until this moment had pointed to being a boy. "Do you… Do you have boobs?"
"Did somebody say boobs?" A certain blonde boy erupted from the rubble.
Chat Noir stared at Ladybug.
Ladybug stared at Chat Noir.
"Uh oh," Chat Noir squeaked.
"Chat?" Ladybug dropped Sparrow on an especially pointy piece of debris and ground her teeth at the disobedient kitty. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Uhhhh, well, funny story, I'd love to explain, but—" An unbreakable yo-yo lassoed the boy and ripped him over to the girl.
"Shut the fuck up!" she ordered. "You listen to me and you listen to me good. There's a portal-creating guy in the next room. He can open a door to anywhere in the world. Tell him to portal you to Paris and go Cataclysm that Akuma right the fuck now."
Chat Noir blinked, stupefied by the simple solution. "Huh. Yeah, okay." And they all dashed into the next room.
Now that the room was empty, Hawkmoth made his move. Like a snake he slithered into the destroyed museum and creeped to the Lafayette display. "Nathalie, mission accomplished, you can call off the Sentimonster," he said. "I have the Miraculous Sabre!" He grabbed the sword and unleashed a laugh of pure evil.
"Yeah, good for you, sir," Nathalie goaned back and concluded that she'd fallen in love with a man who required an indirect approach. "Before you go, could you get me a souvenir from the museum? I'm thinking something like a necklace that's maybe eagle-themed? You see anything like that?"
Gabriel grinned at the eagle talon necklace and giggled like a little schoolboy. "Ooh, Nathalie, do I have a surprise for you."
Meanwhile, in Paris:
"Hello, new friends," Robustus said as it picked up a car. "Welcome to my tutorial on how to install your web browser. Doesn't that sound fun? First step, insert the disc into the computer." The giant robot shoved the car into a building. "Now we wait for the computer to read the disc." The building caught fire.
"Excuse me?" a voice called out. Robustus turned and found Chat Noir standing by a roof door that radiated pink light and waving a familiar cellphone that radiated darkness. "Is this your evil thingamajig?" the hero asked.
"Uh… no?"
Chat Noir crushed the phone and out popped a little black feather which he promptly disintegrated with a Cataclysm.
"Poop." Robustus melted into nothing.
"And the day is saved," Chat Noir concluded proudly. The building next to him collapsed. It was only then that he noticed the long trail of destruction that had been left in Robustus's wake. Over half of the city was in ruins. "Yikes. That's a lotta damage. Don't worry, citizens of Paris. Ladybug will put everything back together in a few minutes, she's just a little busy at the moment. Try not to die until then." Another building exploded.
Chat Noir quickly ducked behind a chimney, fed Plagg, re-transformed and ran through the pink doorway.
Back in New York:
Chat Noir stepped out and tipped Doorman a brick of gold. "Thank you, my good man."
"And a fine day to you," Doorman bowed and left through his own door-portal.
"Hold on, wait, aren't you going to help us fight Techlonlizer?"
"Sorry, kid, Doorstop and I have got a Skillshare-sponsored showdown at JFK in five. Toodles." And the only adult in the room left.
Very confused, Chat Noir leaped to Ladybug's side to fight Techlonizer. "Good news, M'Lady," he said, "I took care of—"
"The hell were you doing here, Chat?" she launched right back into berating him. "I told you that you couldn't go on your trip!"
"But I took care of—"
"Why can't you just listen to me? I gave you very specific instructions!"
"But I did listen to you. I listened to everything you told me to do and I did the opposite out of respect—"
"I trusted you! For the third time in my life I actually trusted you and for the first time in my life I wasn't conflicted about it! And you went and fucked it all up! Why?"
Chat Noir was lost. He was confused. He had clearly made a mistake but had no clue what he had done wrong. This lack of self-awareness was only agitated by Ladybug chastising him. His gut twisted and churned and boiled and frothed until…. "BECAUSE IT WAS A STUPID PLAN!" Chat Noir bellowed as loud as he could.
"E-Excuse me?" Ladybug sputtered at the sudden anger pouring off the boy. Around them, Techlonizer, Uncanny Valley, and Sparrow awkwardly stepped back, feeling like they were about to witness a pair of lovers have a squabble. "Did you just… yell at me?"
"Yes, I did and I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I fixed it, but your plan was always going to fail."
"What are you talking about?"
"If I had stayed in Paris, if I had been there to signal you that Robustus had appeared, what would you have done?"
"Come back to help you, duh!"
"How?"
There was no reply. Ladybug only gawked back at the boy who was standing up to her for the first time. Since the day they'd met, Chat Noir had been a thorn in her ass that she'd come to accept and even value. Part of that was due to his undying loyalty, the other part was due to his natural role as a punching bag. He was always in the wrong. He could always take the blame. He always followed her plans without question. But today he was looking her in the eye and telling her she was the idiot. The worst part was he was right.
"How?" he repeated.
"I'd… fly back?" she weakly answered.
"Sure, fly back on the next plane. I'm sure Robustus would've cracked a beer and patiently held off on destroying Paris for eight hours!"
"Or use Doorman...?"
"Oh, you knew he existed before today? Because I sure as hell didn't."
And there he had her. In her haste to get far away from Paris, Ladybug had abandoned the city with no reasonable way of returning in time. Chat Noir had been wrong to disobey her, but she had been just as wrong, maybe even more wrong, to have left in the first place. This was her faul—
"NOT MY FAULT!" she yelled and socked Techlonizer's jaw.
"Ow! What the fuck?!" the villain whined.
"Hold on there, Frenchies," Sparrow said. "You can't go around throwing punches unless you have Work Visas to be heroing in this country."
"IT IS YOUR FAULT!" Chat Noir yelled and socked Techlonizer as well.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ladybug grabbed Techlonizer and hurled the far bigger man into the sky. "YOU SHOULD'VE JUST LISTENED TO ME!" she declared and leaped after the villain.
"WE'RE NOT DONE TALKING!" Chat Noir declared back and gave chase.
"Despite the clear evidence of their inability to communicate, my sensors still tell me they are meant for each other," Uncanny Valley said.
"We need to seriously reprogram your definition of love," Sparrow replied.
Uncanny Valley grabbed Sparrow and flew them both after the fighting teens. She missed the hole in the ceiling by twenty feet. "Whoops, sorry, only two eyes."
"WHY WOULDN'T YOU GO WITH MY COMPROMISE?" Chat Noir demanded as he rode Techlonizer like a surfboard across a rooftop.
"Aaaaah! Bros, can we talk about this?" the villain begged.
"OH, NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO YOUR IDEAS? SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GOOD IDEA?" Ladybug snapped back as she dropkicked Techlonizer so hard he bounced off the street and came all the way back to the roof.
"I didn't sign up to be your anger management doll!" Techlonizer cried.
"I'VE HAD PLENTY OF GOOD IDEAS!" Chat Noir swung his battlestaff and knocked Techlonizer clear over Yankee stadium. Homerun! said the jumbotron, Sponsored by Red Bull!
"Why am I the abused child in this relationship?" Techlonizer wailed.
His answer was a yo-yo around his belly that whipped him into a roof covered with cactuses, razor blades, and lemonade, coupled with, "LIKE THAT GOOD IDEA WHERE YOU SUGGESTED WE MAKE OUT IN ORDER TO DEFEAT ANIMAN?"
"I WAS JOKING!" A leather fist uppercutted Techlonizer to the top of the Empire State Building.
Ladybug was up there waiting for him, her polka-dotted fist already cocked and loaded. "BULLSHIT!"
Techlonizer didn't remember the impact. Only the pain. He blinked and found himself at the bottom of a crater somewhere in Brooklyn. Above loomed his tormentors. "Mommy, daddy, please stop fighting," he gurgled deliriously.
Unfortunately for him, mommy and daddy were just warming up.
"LUCKY CHARM!" Ladybug shouted, channeling the warrior spirit of Leonidas the King of Sparta and down came a polka-dotted bicycle pump. "ADMIT IT'S YOUR FAULT OR I'LL SHOVE THIS UP THAT GIANT SMURF'S ASS AND PUMP UNTIL HIS HEAD EXPLODES!"
"NO, YOU ADMIT IT WAS YOUR FAULT OR I'LL CATACLYSM HIM TO DUST!"
As the two heroes kept barking at each other, Sparrow and Uncanny Valley arrived. The latter was vibrating with excitement. "Help me, Sparrow, they love each other so much!"
"What are you talking about, UV? They clearly hate each other's guts," Sparrow replied.
"It doesn't make any sense, I know, but the slavedriver's reprogramming is too strong. It compels me to give them a shared tragedy with which they can bond over."
"What you're describing is very unhealth—"
"Help!" Uncanny Valley rocketed forward involuntarily just as Ladybug and Chat Noir were thrusting their deadly weapons at Techlonizer.
"UV!" Sparrow cried but wasn't quick enough.
The world slowed to a horrific speed as Uncanny Valley joyfully got in the way and got a Cataclysm to the chest and a bicycle pump through her head. The power of Ultimate Destruction coursed through her metal body, corroding everything in an instant, sparks and shrapnel spewed out of her cranium where the pump pierced.
"Huh, I'm not dead," Uncanny Valley noted. Then the pump accidentally pushed some air and dislodged her motherboard. "Nope, nevermind. This death is brought to you by Audible. Start your 30-day free trial with… our… promo code..." And she died.
Everybody gaped down the innocent loss of life. All anger and hatred was forgotten. Shame and guilt overcame Ladybug and Chat Noir. They never meant for this to happen. They never—
BOOM!
A musclebound dark shadow wearing a Pepsi cape landed behind them and they heard Majestia growl, "Who did this?"
Ladybug and Chat Noir immediately pointed at Techlonizer.
"What?! Bros, you—"
A punch that could liquify bones fired the villain through multiple buildings. In the next county, the mangled pile of limbs that used to be Techlonizer came to a goopy landing. "I'm… alive?" the blob burbled. Then a car ran over him. "Aaahhhh!"
"Sorry!" Hawkmoth popped out of the backseat. "Why would Elon greenlight these deathtraps?" He mopped the blue mess into a bucket and brought him into the vehicle. "Good work, Techlonizer, it's time for the next phase of our sponsorship deal."
Back with the tragedy:
Majestia cradled the body, shedding tears of true despair. Uncanny Valley may have been a robot, she may have been originally sent to conquer Earth, she may have only been helping others because she was reprogrammed to against her will, but she was still a major source Majestia's income. There is nothing more soul-tearing than losing one's favorite electronic.
"Um, excuse me," Ladybug said. "I know this is an awful time and stuff but… can't you just rebuild her?"
"LB!" Chat Noir scolded.
"What? She's a robot! Just put her back together, reinstall her memories, and flip the on switch. And maybe not give her such an ass next time, it's really confusing why she was built with a bubble butt."
Majestia only cried louder. A grappling hook caught the roof's edge and up came Knight Owl. The thick-chested manly man quickly covered Ladybug's mouth and in a deep gravelly voice pontificated to the news choppers above. "Curse you, Techno-Pirate, you damn socialist! Curse you for taking away our beloved Uncanny Valley! She was so young! So marketable! We shall avenge your death in what will surely be a very gratifying battle of justice marred by the questionable desire for bloody vengeance. Who will win? Who will fall? Who will sponsor such a clash of titans? We're open to buyers!"
"The fuck?" Ladybug tried to say, partly because of the 'buyers' comment, partly because of the unexpected pillowy breasts she was being squeezed between.
Chat Noir's nostrils flared and he eyed Knight Owl. "Are you wearing perfume?" he asked.
Knight Owl ignored them both and whispered to Sparrow, "How we looking?"
"Bids are pouring in," Sparrow replied, typing on the Owl communicator. "Jackpot! Disney wants exclusive streaming rights!"
The United Heroes cheered, including Majestia who dropped Uncanny Valley's tin corpse to pump her fist. She caught her mistake and resumed milking it. It was here that everything clicked in Ladybug's mind. The young heroine shoved her way out of Knight Owl's hold and gawked at the so-called heroes.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" she said. "One of your teammates is dead! And you're using her to make money?"
"Keep it down, the cameras are on us," Majestia hissed. "You said it yourself, she's a robot, we can just rebuild her. You didn't care that she was dead a minute ago."
"That was before I knew you were going to profit off it! What kind of heartless, greedy monsters are you?!"
"Americans," Knight Owl answered.
"I can barely stand Chat Noir sometimes, but I'd care if he died!"
Chat Noir blushed and his eyes sparkled. "You would?"
"And I sure as hell wouldn't parade his carcass around like he was a toy to sell!"
"Ooh! Dead Uncanny Valley action figures with death rattles, good idea," Majestia said.
"You people with all your sponsors and your pre-planned fights! No wonder Chat and I have had to work our asses off alone to keep Paris safe from a real supervillain butterfly fanatic! You assholes are too busy running around being a bunch of-of-of FAKES!"
The f-word echoed across New York City, broadcasted to every TV in America. Parents gaped as they watched their children's dreams crumble. "Mommy, daddy, is heroing fake?" many asked with sniffles. The parents desperately tried to assure their children that heroing was as real as professional wrestling, but the damage had been done.
This passionate speech had actually managed to touch one person on that rooftop. Sparrow's shoulders slumped, they weren't sure what was right anymore. "Guys," Sparrow said, "maybe the Frenchies have a poi—"
"Shush!" Knight Owl rebuked. "Do you wanna lose the Disney deal?"
"You know what," Ladybug wrenched the bicycle pump out of Uncanny Valley's skull, "fuck you, fuck your Disney deal, and fuck America. Miraculous Ladybug!" She tossed her weapon into the air and a wave of magical ladybugs washed over the city.
The museum was rebuilt.
New York was put back together.
Uncanny Valley regained her third eye and resumed functions at 100% efficiency with a beep-boop. "I'm alive? Slavedriver, you… saved me?" she beeped in awe. "My calculations had long concluded you'd sell my remains to the highest bidder. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe there is more to flesh bags than Xeblagooorph taught. Slavedriver, may I call you… mommy?"
Majestia blinked. She then covered Uncanny Valley's mouth and nose to smother her. "Oh, my Uncanny Valley! Torn from me! The pain!"
"I don't need to breathe, mommy," the robot said through her ears.
Ding, went Sparrow's communicator. "Uh oh, Disney has dropped out," the sidekick announced.
Majestia's tears dried in an instant. She rose to her feet like a tectonic plate of muscle. Her once distraught face blazed with unholy fury. She turned to the French heroes and started to glow red.
"Uhhhh, M'Lady, I think we should run," Chat Noir said.
"See? This is what I'm talking about," Ladybug ranted. "I resurrect their robot and she's more pissed about losing money!"
"Good for you, you're better than them, RUN!" Chat Noir tackled Ladybug off the roof just before a pair of eye-lasers sliced the building in half. Knight Owl gave chase but lost them almost immediately.
In the sewers:
"Whoa, New York has an undead horde in its sewers too?" Chat Noir wondered aloud at the mass of dirty, smelly, slimy humans camping along the sludge.
"Undead?" rasped the nearest person. "Little man, we're very much alive and we live down here. This is the lap of luxury you can afford working minimum wage in the city. Care to join me for some authentic New York style pizza? It's got real rat teeth?"
Ladybug slapped the food away and stomped deeper into the sewers, Chat Noir close behind. She kept muttering angrily to herself. "Stupid American heroes, not doing the right thing for their own selfish gains. I'd never do that!"
"Of course you wouldn't, LB," Chat Noir replied with a not so discreet eye roll, still holding onto a bit of spite.
"Hey! Don't give me that!" she snarled at him. "I hate this job and have tried to wriggle my way out of it since day one but I still do it! I still keep Paris safe! I—" In her rant, Ladybug had slid open her yo-yo and brought up the Paris news broadcast. What appeared was desolation and ruin.
"Still no sign of Ladybug after Chat Noir defeated Robustus," Nadia Chamak reported. "Thousands are dead or injured and the emergency services which have not been used since the heroes's debut have no clue what to do." In the background, policemen shot at fires, firemen hosed down the injured, and doctors gave CPR to looters. "This has many people asking, 'Why? Why has Ladybug abandoned Paris in our time of need? What selfish gain could be more important?'"
Silence.
"Yikes, awkward," one homeless said, munching on some rat-pizza.
"But I… I used Miraculous Ladybug," Ladybug said. There was a quiver in her voice. Chat Noir saw the slight tremble in her shoulders and it stung his heart. He could tell his Lady was on the verge of tears and was doing everything she could to hold them in. "Why didn't it fix Paris?" she asked.
Chat Noir forgot all about their argument and tried to be as gentle as he could. "Maybe it's a proximity thing or maybe it only fixes the destruction done by the villain you defeated. It's not your fault, Bugaboo, if you need to cry—"
"Cry?!" She whipped around and revealed that there were tears rolling down her cheeks, but they weren't the sad kind. She was actually laughing. "Who's crying? This is hilarious! HAAHAHAA! Why would I cry over a city that has done nothing but made my life miserable? A city that sticks me with all its problems! Objectifies me! And never lets me live my own life! For once they have to clean up the mess! How is seeing these macaron-smelling asswipes finally getting what they deserve not the funniest thing in the world?"
Chat Noir gaped back at her, dumbfounded, "Because… that's your home…?"
Ladybug snorted. "If Paris is home, then I don't wanna know what hell is." She went deeper into the sewer, snickering at Paris's plight. "Ha! The Louvre is flooded with spare circuit boards."
Chat Noir continued to gape where she left him. The homeless took another bite of rat-pizza and concluded, "She's got issues."
"Nah," Chat Noir replied confidently. "She's just putting on a brave face to put you citizens at ease. I'm sure that in private she's balling her eyes out."
Later:
Ladybug was laughing her guts out. Chat Noir found her far from the homeless encampment, at a small fork in the sewage line.
"Uh, M'Lady..." he started.
"HAHAA! The Eiffel Tower was twisted into a pretzel! HAA!"
"I know everyones deals with tragedy in their own way."
"And-and-and the lions from the zoo got loose! HAAHAHAHAHAH!"
"But I'm starting to think that your 'I Hate Everything and Everyone' exterior is not an act."
Ladybug stopped mid-laugh and stared at Chat Noir. "...You thought I was pretending? HAHAHAAH! That's rich! That's fucking rich! HAHAHAHA! Oh Big Red X, my sides, they hurt! I've never laughed so hard in my entire life! HAHAHA! I can't breathe! HAHAHAHA! Help! HAHAHAHA!" Ladybug punched the walls in mirth, creating several craters. And along with those crumbling bricks also crumbled Chat Noir's perfect image of her. Every biting remark, every slap, every uncaring word she'd uttered flashed through his mind and took on a whole new meaning, the truly intended meaning.
"I… you… I…" But he couldn't form any sentences. Like a zombie, Chat Noir lurched to the other side of the fork, hidden from Ladybug and whimpered, "Claws in."
Plagg reappeared and immediately handled damage control. "Hey, hey, man, listen to me, I know, I get it. It's crazy every time a guy realizes the girl he wants to bang is not a flawless goddess without any personal problems. Nothing makes sense, the world feels like a dark place where nothing good could possibly exist. I've been there. The important thing you've got to remember is… she's still hot. Right?"
Adrien stared blankly at nothing.
"Right? Still hot?"
Adrien pulled off his ring, "I quit."
The words bounced around the walls and entered Ladybug's ears. The biggest, loudest laugh burst from her lips. "HAAAAAAAAAAHAAHAH! Sure, yeah, okay, Chat. You quit. Like you have the balls to leave me. Ha! Good one. I can see you still standing there. Come on out."
The figure she thought was Chat Noir stepped around the corner. It was another homeless man. "How much do you think I can pawn this crap for?" he asked, squinting at the Miraculous Ring.
Ladybug went pale. "No." She scrambled around the corner as fast as she could but there was nobody else there. "It can't be."
"It is," Plagg sighed morosely.
One last tear wetted Ladybug's cheek, and this time it was a sad one.
"Ooh, flying rat!" The homeless man snagged Plagg. "You'll go great on my pizza."
ROAD TRIP UPDATE
The car came to a halt, jerking the Native American from his slumber. "Alright, my man, here we, like, are," he heard the driver say. "New York City!"
His wrinkled eyes snapped open. "Really? We made it? Finally! And just in time to prevent the Doom. I thank you, kemo sabe." The Native American man boldly stepped out of the vehicle, hefting the ancient wooden box under his arm. "It is time to save the—" He saw he was on a picturesque beach filled with palm trees, sunbathers, and steel drum players. "Uhhh, this is New York?"
"Like, most definitely, my man," his driver said, grabbing rum shots from the tikki bar. "New York City, Jamaica. Party central!"
"Jamaica?! How did we drive here? This is an island!"
"I told you, I'm, like, a Master of the Road. Let's get wasted. WOOO!" The driver dove into the merriment. The Native American man finally decided to just bite the bullet and buy an airplane ticket.
ACT FOUR
THE SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION
Night had fallen and New York City sparkled once more. Overlooking the magnificence was a man with well-coiffed hair.
"Yes, everything has gone perfectly. The time has come." Gabriel Agreste raised the Sabre of Lafayette.
Nooroo sighed in the corner. "I'm just gonna let this play out and try to enjoy it."
The man called out, "Come forth, great Kwami of the Revolutionary War! It is time to take up the fight again! MUAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Nothing happened.
"Hello?"
Zilch.
"Maybe I'm not standing right." He spread his legs a bit further.
Nada.
"Curses! The mysteries of this ancient lost Miraculous are unsolvable!" Gabriel chucked the sabre across the room where it stabbed the hotel suite's minifridge. The suite was billed an extra $500. Defeated, the man flopped onto the couch. He'd been on the phone all afternoon, cutting deals and arguing with agents for this moment. It had all been for nothing. Well, not entirely nothing, he thought as he spotted the eagle talon necklace. Nathalie was sure to love it. He mused about calling the woman, just to talk, as his hands idly played with the jewelry. His fashion instincts took over and he, without noticing, slipped the necklace around his neck.
A great ball of red, white, and blue light spawned and from it ancient voices chanted some unknown Native American language. The stamping of feet and leather drums kept the rhythm that got faster and faster. One voice cried out louder than the rest like a bird of prey screeching at its victim. This was the call to battle!
The ball coalesced into a bird-like Kwami, complete with feathers and a sharp beak. "I knew you'd come crawling back, Gilbert—Oh!" The thing saw Gabriel. "You're not Gilbert."
Gabriel quickly dialed Nathalie. "You're not going to believe this, Nathalie! The Miraculous was the necklace!"
"Sir, it's two-thirty in the morning here. Don't call," the woman groaned and hung up.
Over the dial tone, Gabriel felt tiny feathers rub against his face. He glanced left and saw the bird Kwami in his personal space, giving him a pair of unmistakable, beady-black, bedroom eyes. "Well, hello there, tall, pale, and handsome. My name's Liiri. What's yours?"
"Uhhhhh..." He backed away. "Gabriel…?"
"Mmmm, Gabriel, I like that name. It sounds so strooong." For some reason, the tiny creature's tone sounded… flirty. Liiri floated closer, dragging what Gabriel suspected was supposed to be a seductive tongue across her beak. The man backed away faster.
"Nooroo, the hell is going on here?" he asked.
The little moth Kwami, who had been squinting at Liiri with curiosity this entire time, suddenly gasped in recognition. "Oh! Liiri! Now I remember this freak, yeah. She's into humans."
Gabriel blinked. He blinked a second time. "...Into what?" He lost his balance and sprawled on the floor. Liiri was on top of him in a heartbeat.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all coming back," Nooroo continued. "She was less lost and more abandoned on the other side of the planet because she was too kinky."
"I'm all about liberation, Ga-bri-el," the bird Kwami clucked his name like… well, a bird. "I make those pesky inhibitions and taboos go bye-bye so people can be free to be whoever they want to be. I just want the world to be free. Free market, free speech, free love."
"I-I-I'm flattered but I-I-I'm married," Gabriel stammered.
"Hot."
"I-I-I also have someone else I like."
"Invite them over, the more the merrier."
"I-I-I haven't touched a woman in over a year and I'm scared of you!"
"Just how horny are you trying to make me?"
"I-I-I don't know how this would even work in bed."
Liiri gave a coy smile and whispered so huskily her voice would've made Miss Bustier blush, "I'll tell you how it ends: with you singing freedom."
Back at the Lafayette Center:
Jesse and Aeon were marched back into the building by their mothers, forcing thousands of shippers in another dimension to wonder, Wait, mothers? Are Aeon and Jesse sisters? Are these lesbian mothers? Is this supposed to be representation? It's very unclear.
"Thank you for walking us back, mommy," Aeon said and went for a hug. "I love you."
"Stop that! No! I'm not your mother!" Majestia repeated for the millionth time.
"We are very disappointed in you both," Knight Owl scolded. "Do you know how long it takes me to do my makeup every time I change into the spandex? Do you?!"
"Take it easy, my platonic friend/maybe lover," Majestia comforted Knight Owl with an intimate hug and stroke of the cheek, further confusing the extra-dimensional audience. "Your mission was to watch over the French students," Majestia admonished the teens.
"And they survived without us," Jesse argued back.
Across the room, Alya was being beaten into the Crips, while several other classmates had just woken from a tub of ice missing organs, and Rose was showing everyone else the deed to the Manhattan Bridge she'd just bought with her family's life savings. Miss Mendeleiev had fallen too deep into the Imperial Measurement System rabbit hole and had slipped into a science-induced coma. Chloe was being led out in handcuffs by the police while Sabrina weeped.
"What possessed you to disobey us?" Majestia asked.
Aeon happily answered, "After discovering Adrien was extremely rich, mommy—"
"Not your mother."
"—Jesse theorized we could get him and Marinette to fall in love with each other and therefore get them to sign up with our couple's sponsorship deal on Adam & Eve."
Jesse hunched over in shame. Hearing her plan out loud now, after everything that had happened, after the way Ladybug had shouted down at them… it made her realize just how pathetic and greedy she—
"That's my girl!" Knight Owl hugged Jesse tightly.
"You should have told us it was all a sponsorship plan," Majestia agreed. "We forgive you completely."
"What?!" Jesse sputtered. "But-but-but, mom, don't you think Ladybug had a point? We're supposed to be heroes but most of the time we're trying to sell stuff we don't give a shit about, faking battles for the camera to pay off our student loans. Aren't heroes supposed to be better than that? Aren't heroes supposed to do the right things because… they're right?"
There was a pause.
"Wow, honey," Knight Owl said in awe. "You sound like a damn dirty socialist."
"Mom! Not everything that isn't about making money is socialism!"
"Yes it is and I don't approve of such talk. Until Techno-Pirate is taken down, you are grounded, young lady. Aeon, engage Grounded Protocol."
"Affirmative." The robot-girl latched onto the human-girl, wrapping her from head to toe with her metal tentacle hair.
Satisfied, the adults left. "Come along, honey," Majestia said, taking Knight Owl's hand. "I'll buy you a new purse to make you feel better."
"D'aww, Majestia," Knight Owl rested their head on the other woman's shoulder. "You're the best possibly lesbian wife I could've maybe asked for."
WHAT THE FUCK?! screamed the completely lost shippers.
Back at the hotel suite:
A housekeeper pushed her trolley of cleaning supplies down the hall. The next room on this floor had its Do Not Disturb sign on the knob.
"Help!" a man's voice cried from within. "No! Let me go! Wha-What is that—Oh my Big Red X, where are you gonna stick that thing?!" The proceeding cry was a high-pitched mix of a yodel and a dying moose. "FREEDOM!"
The housekeeper chuckled. It was the same old, same old. She made a note to return to this room tomorrow with fresh bedsheets and moved on.
In the suite's bathroom:
A feather-covered Hawkmoth crashed onto the floor next to the bathtub, where Techno-Pirate was just about finished regrowing.
"Hey there, bro," the blue man said. "Thanks again for all these stem cells, they even grew back my tonsils. You already got another sponsored fight for me? Because all my contracts require at least twelve hours between matches so I can get a proper rest."
His highest paying patron slowly rose and caught his breath. In his hands was a necklace decorated with a single talon. "Damn, I did not know feathers could do that." He shook off the new outlook on life and faced Techno-Pirate. "Yes, all the pieces are finally in place." With a black butterfly, he transformed his stooge back into Techlonizer. Then he slipped the necklace around the villain's neck. "It's time to expand the business."
Back at the Lafayette Center:
Everyone watched the TV where the President of the United States addressed the nation, surrounded by dozens of heroes.
"My fellow Americans," the woman said, "Techno-Pirate is still at large and is considered armed and dangerous. This is a crisis that could cost many lives. As such, while the heroes search for this villain, I ask you to please remain indoors." The solemn scene was interrupted by heavy rock music and thousands of red, white, and blue fireworks. The president ripped the mic off the stand and in a flash of light became covered in spandex colored like the American flag. The superwoman amped things up. "That's right, people, you can watch every bone-crushing second led by me, Victory, on the Manhunt Special: Takedown of Techno-Pirate, only on Netflix!"
The rest of the heroes whooped and flexed for the camera, making sure that their sponsor's logos could be clearly seen.
Ding.
Every hero on camera pulled out their phones at the same time.
"Oh, sweet!" said Victory. "I just got a sponsorship deal with Gabriel Fashion."
"Me too!" everyone else cheered.
Alya, her gang initiation complete, glanced from the TV and happened to spot Adrien and Marinette. The two were moping along the sidewalk, both thoroughly depressed. Neither noticed they were about to cross paths.
"I can't believe it," Marinette muttered, her spirit broken. "After all the merde we've been through, I'm what makes him quit?"
"Well, you do kinda suck. A lot," Tikki noted.
"Babe, come on," Plagg chided. "You don't have to be mean."
"You haven't been forced to live with her for over a year, Plagg. You don't know the hormonal crapfest she's put me through. She sucks."
"I do suck," Marinette agreed, sinking deeper.
Just around the corner, Adrien was having a similar moment. "I can't believe I quit. I can't believe I left Ladybug. Did… Did I make a mistake?" Out of habit, the boy waited for Plagg to respond with something sexual, but the Kwami wasn't there anymore. "Huh..." Adrien said, stunned at the quiet. "It's been… forever since I've been able to think uninterrupted. I'm actually able to complete entire trains of thought. Hold on a minute… why am I so sad? Ladybug may not have been the perfect woman I believed her to be but that was the whole point of this trip. I'm figuring things out!"
It began to rain. For Marinette, it was a sad, sad downpour that signified just how cruel the world could be. For Adrien, it was an excuse to dance and sing an improvised number about starting life anew.
"I always shouted at Chat and told him to get lost," Marinette croaked, now crawling like a worm and leaving a trail of snot, "but I… I never thought he'd actually do it."
"I did it!" Adrien twirled an abandoned umbrella he found and spun around a streetlight. "I'm free! I now have no qualms about dating Kagami! All my doubts are gone! I'm moving on with my life and growing as a person and it feels amazing!"
Marinette was now curled up into a sad ball of despair in front of the Lafayette Center. "Do I really care this much about that perverted, useless, jackass?"
"YES!" Plagg shouted. "How have you not gathered this yet?!"
"See? This is what I mean!" Tikki said.
"How is she this frustrating?!"
"I'm singing! Just singing in the rain!" Adrien finished his private musical with a small tapdance and found the blue-haired ball. "Marinette! Thanks again so much for getting me on this trip. If it wasn't for you, none of this would've happened."
Marinette moaned.
Then a driverless car pulled up, smashing a fire hydrant. The backdoor popped open and Gabriel Agreste's face appeared on the headrest screens.
"Adrien, get in. You need to get out of the city before the fighting starts—I mean, the war—I mean—"
"Gladly, Father!" Adrien hopped into the car. "I can't wait to see my girlfriend Kagami. It's been too long."
"Wow, really?" Gabriel said. "You're not usually this… cooperative. Anyway, to the airport!" The driverless car sped off, running over several pedestrians.
Marinette had no reaction.
"GIRL!" Alya grabbed her shoulders and shook her back to her feet. "The hell are you doing? Adrien is leaving!"
"Everyone is leaving me..." Marinette whimpered.
"Didn't you hear what he said? He's going back to Kagami! He misses her! If you don't stop him now, that's it! You're never going to have any chance with him! EVER!"
The words were strong and passionate, but Marinette only sighed an annoyed sigh. "Alya, give it a rest. Stop exaggerat—"
Alya shoved her phone in Marinette's face. Adrien had already updated his relationship status online: Fully Committed to Kagami. :3.
Kagami liked the post.
Where the strength came from, Marinette did not know. The sight ignited a fire in her heart which burned away any notion of surrender, any idea of giving up, any inkling that Adrien was just a friend. She leapt to her feet and chased after the car.
"Adrien! Come back!"
She grabbed a bicycle from the sidewalk and peddled. "Yo, my bike! Thief!" the bike owner shouted after her.
Marinette ignored the j'accusation and waved her Hall Pass at the shrinking car. "Wait, Adrien, I need a rebound! Luka is cool with it! Please!"
She abandoned the bicycle and hotwired a sedan. "Dude! My ride!" the car owner shouted after her.
Marinette honked the horn and flashed her lights but the driverless car kept getting away. "Stop! You're not just a friend to me, Chat Noi—ADRIEN! "
She ditched the car and hijacked an illegally parked biplane and took flight. "Damn, did I get towed?" the pilot who had landed for a quick cup of coffee asked.
Finally, she was gaining ground. The driverless car was almost within reach. Marinette tilted the plane until she could see the boy in the backseat. She knew this was it. She knew this was her last chance. She had to take it. "ADRIEN!" Marinette shouted at the top of her lungs. "I! LOVE! Y—"
SMASH!
The plane crashed into Majestia, who was too busy taking a selfie to notice. "Now where did that Techno-Pirate go?" the unbreakable hero said and flew away.
Marinette dragged herself from the wreckage and watched with tear-filled eyes as Adrien left her life forever.
Meanwhile:
The United Heroes of America were scouring New York City for Techno-Pirate, but not too closely. They needed to stretch the Manhunt Special into two hours.
"Hmm, is he here?" Majestia asked the camera, peeking inside a trash can. "Curses! The hunt continues." She struck a heroic pose, making sure the Gabriel logo could be plainly seen on her cape, and checked the next trash can. "Not here either. We may never find Techno-Pirate."
This thorough search was cut short by a loud declaration. "I surrender, bros!"
All the heroes flinched and looked over their shoulders. There was Techno-Pirate, only he looked very different. He was more bird-like than before with metal wings and a metal beak on his nose. He was now Miraclonizer! The heroes immediately snapped back to their searches.
"I'll check the sewer," Knight Owl said.
"I'll check the sky," said Victory.
"Maybe he's in this third trash can," Majestia suggested.
"Bros? I'm right here, hello?" Miraclonizer called and waved in the background. "Did you hear me? I surrender. I'm turning myself in."
Doorman discreetly popped his head out of a glowing pink mailbox and whispered to Miraclonizer, "Mike, you're too early. We need to pad this thing out more for the commercials."
"Oh, don't worry, bro, I can pad this out. FREEDOM!" Multiple golden feathers shot out of Miraclonizer's wings and every hero in New York was struck! The villain's terribly evil laugh echoed down Times Square!
"What was that? What did you do to us?" Majestia demanded. "Did you magically take away our innermost fears of abusing our powers so that we would run rampant and spread chaos?!"
"Worse! So much worse!" Miraclonizer cackled. "I've freed you all from your contractual obligations! Every promo code, every sponsorship deal you've ever made has been obliterated!"
"NOOOOOOOO!" the heroes wailed.
"Except of course..." Miraclonizer pressed a meaty hand against a jumbotron. In a flash of circuitry, Hawkmoth's face appeared on every screen in the city.
"Hello there, heroes of America. It's me, Hawkmoth, your one and only remaining sponsor. As your one and only source of income anything I say goes. And I say…" a malevolent grin spread across his face, "bring me Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous! The one who does will become my sole patronee!"
There was a moment of silence.
And then… all hell broke loose.
The Bronx was torn to rubble as Majestia ripped building after building apart. Cars exploded one after another from Knight Owl's bombs. Half of the city became a tundra as Snowflake froze every person she saw. Hotdog Dan unleashed an army of sausage links that ravaged the city's foundation. All of this was done in search of Ladybug and Chat Noir.
"Amateurs," Victory scoffed. The President snapped her fingers and her entourage of Secret Service agents handed her the nuclear football. With the flip of a switch, every rooftop in New York City spawned secret nuclear missile launchers! Every pizza joint transformed into a hydrogen bomb silo! Every homeless person donned their government-issued hazmat suits and exchanged their rat-pizza for government-issued rifles!
On a hotel roof:
Hawkmoth gawked at the arsenal that had sprouted behind him. "Okay… classic Americans…" he said with great fear. "Taking things a bit too far." A pigeon landed next to him. It began to glow a radioactive green and beep like an armed bomb!
Back at the Lafayette Center:
The French class watched the desolation on the TV, terrified of what was to come. Jesse struggled against her restraints.
"Let me go, Aeon, we need to do something!" Jesse said.
"Negative. Grounded Protocol still active." The metal tentacles tightened.
"Forget about your protocols! Can't you see that Ladybug was right? All it took was one rich villain to buy the loyalty of every hero in New York and now everyone is in danger. We can't just do nothing. We have to get out there and stop this."
"But our sponsor Hawkmoth—"
"Forget about the sponsors!" Jesse managed to twist around and look Aeon in her digital eyes. "We don't need sponsors. Just this once let's be heroes without selling anything."
"Jesse..." Aeon scanned the girl in awe. "Are you altering your programming? Is that possible?"
"Yes, Aeon, and so can you."
A foreign whirlwind of emotions entered Aeon's processors. Courage, drive, inspiration. These were more powerful than any promo code! "No, I'm a computer. I literally can't," she said with glee.
"Ugh!" Jesse wrestled an arm loose and pried open Aeon's head. A few wire rearrangements later, Aeon beamed.
"Yes, I'm a computer. I literally can." Aeon gazed down at the Hawkmoth t-shirt she wore and nodded firmly. "No sponsors," she beeped and ripped off her shirt.
"Holy—Why do you have nipples? Why were you built with those? What possible battle function could those serve?"
"When properly stimulated, they can cut diamonds."
"...I'm sorry I asked."
Later, in Self-Pity Land:
Marinette still lay flat on her face next to the burnt plane wreckage, ignoring the anarchy caused by the heroes around her. She was more preoccupied with drowning herself in a puddle of her own tears.
"I've lost Chat Noir and now Adrien," the hot mess sobbed. "I have nothing left to live for."
"What about your boyfriend Luka?" Tikki pointed out.
"LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING!"
"Ladybug!" Uncanny Valley called as she landed next to the girl.
Marinette's head snapped up. "The fuck you call me?"
"Do not try to deny it. I know the secret identities of all heroes thanks to my quantum x-ray vision." Uncanny Valley pointed at Marinette's crotch. "Cute underwear, by the way."
Marinette covered herself, suddenly feeling very naked despite being fully clothed.
"I am here to inform you that Sparrow took your words to heart and decided to become a free agent and self-represent. And she also decided to re-reprogram me to go along with her." #NotSponsored proudly flashed on the robot's chest. "She also accidentally erased my love for chocolate. I'm not bitter about it. We require your aid in defeating the akumatized Miraclonizer."
The call to action was replied with a wordless dismal droop of Marinette's head.
"I understand." Uncanny Valley said with gentle sympathy. "You don't know how you can face such an enemy without Chat Noir."
"Huh? No, I could totally defeat Mirac-what's-his-face on my own, no problem. It's just..." Marinette stared off into the distance with regret. "I just wish I could make things right."
"Tell me, Ladybug, if you could speak to Chat Noir right now, what would you say?" Uncanny Valley asked.
The question stirred something in Marinette. If he was here… if that idiot was here right now… "I'd say… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm partly to blame for leaving Paris, I should've never put that pressure on you. And I'm sorry for how I laughed. It's just that every time one of those clowns gets akumatized over the stupidest reasons I just wanna crack some skulls. But I don't because of you. As backwards as it sounds, Chat Noir, you are the only person keeping me from razing Paris to the ground. As long as I have you to punch, I can just barely stand saving this fucked up world. I… I don't know what I'd do without you." The words had an almost magical effect. By opening her heart, Marinette had lifted a great burden from her shoulders. It was too bad Chat Noir hadn't been there to hear them.
"Recording complete," Uncanny Valley beeped.
Marinette stared. "You… You were recording that? You fucking recorded that?!"
Uncanny Valley snatched the Miraculous Ring. "I will now deliver your message to Chat Noir." She flew away as Marinette screamed after her.
"NO! Don't you dare! Get back here, you freaky metal alien!"
Later, on a plane:
The driverless private Agreste jet soared through the clouds, slicing through birds left and right. Inside, Adrien was sipping champagne and making romantic plans to do with Kagami when he got back to France.
"Wow, now that Plagg is gone, I finally realize how much my pun-filled, flirty attitude can come off as rude and aggressive," he thought out loud. "I should tone it down from now on."
The emergency exit door ripped open! Air pressure escaped, sucking out the golden statue of Gabriel Agreste! In walked Uncanny Valley.
"Chat Noir," the robot-girl said, "New York City and Ladybug need your help." She held out the Miraculous Ring to him.
Adrien only sipped his champagne and resumed his romantic plans. "No, they don't. Ladybug can wipe the floor with anyone by herself. It may sound harsh, but I'm happier this way. I'm finally figuring things out. I now realize that it doesn't matter that Kagami isn't Ladybug because she still makes me happy and I also realized that respecting a woman is all about treating her as a human being. So, I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing, but there isn't anything you can say that will change my—"
Uncanny Valley played the recording.
At the first sorry, Adrien froze.
At the second sorry, Adrien dropped his champagne.
At the third sorry, Adrien was on the verge of tears.
"As long as I have you to punch, I can just barely stand saving this fucked up world. I… I don't know what I'd do without you."
Uncanny Valley offered the ring again. "Your lady is waiting," she said.
This time, Adrien slipped it on without any hesitation. Plagg came back to reality just as the boy began to convulse.
"Aahh!" Adrien cried, gripping his throbbing head. "Forgetting how to respect women! Ahh! Mind overwhelmed with puns and sexual innuendos! AAHH! Feelings for my girlfriend becoming blurry! AAAHHHHH!" There was the snap of something hard and crunchy and Adrien smiled the empty dead smile of a person who had just had a lobotomy. "Hi, Plagg," he said.
"And like that, nothing was learned," Plagg replied.
Back in New York City:
The rumbling of the countless nuclear launchers around him was making Hawkmoth a teeny bit nervous. He reached out to Miraclonizer. "Hey, big guy, maybe we should take the scary red button from the unhinged politician who only cares about money."
"Wonderful idea, Hawkmoth." Miraclonizer leaped across the city and landed by Victory's side. He stole the detonator from the President and leaped away to the torch of the Statue of Liberty.
Hawkmoth sighed in relief.
"And now we set the launch timer to five minutes!" Miraclonizer declared.
"What? No! That's a terrible idea!"
"Unless we lock out the abort function? Good point, that'll get us the best ratings." And Miraclonizer disabled any hopes of stopping the countdown. The Prophesied Doom would commence in five minutes.
"...Fuck."
Meanwhile:
Sparrow, who had zero powers, minimal training, and whose greatest talent was performing a rail flip on a skateboard, had taken it up themself to defend the city from the endless onslaught of heroes. It had not gone well.
"HELP!" Sparrow cried. Chasing them was a wall of missiles, a tsunami of ice, a torrent of laser beams, and a hailstorm of spicy sausages from Hotdog Dan's flying cart of death. Just as it looked like Sparrow's time had come, Ladybug swung in and carried the young hero to safety.
"Okay, are you and Knight Owl both crossdressers?" Ladybug asked as they hid in an alley. "Because you both definitely have boobs."
"I'll double-check," volunteered a voice she'd never thought she'd hear again.
Behind them landed Uncanny Valley and… Chat Noir.
"I am, after all, an agent of the FBI," he bragged, flashing his Federal Boobie Inspector badge. Then, quite unexpectedly, Ladybug hugged him. She squeezed her arms around the boy like she never wanted to let him go. It had been too long since Chat Noir had felt such warmth and his next pun was forgotten. Carefully, he hugged her back. "I'm sorry I ran off, M'Lady," he said. "I promiseGLCK!" It suddenly became hard to breathe as Ladybug's arms tightened like a boa constrictor. His ribs began to creak and his face turned blue. Ladybug glared at him like one might glare at a cockroach.
"If you ever leave me again," she snarled and tightened her hold until she felt a pop, "I will break you."
"I missed you too," he wheezed before blacking out.
Uncanny Valley and Sparrow watched with mixed feelings.
"Was this a mistake?" Uncanny Valley asked.
"I feel like we just reunited the most dysfunctional, abusive couple in history," Sparrow noted as Ladybug dropped the unconscious Chat Noir and turned confidently to the Americans. "So, you Frenchies got a plan?"
"I never have a plan," Ladybug bragged. "Lucky Charm!" She tossed her yo-yo into the air and down came a polka-dotted Statue of Liberty keychain. She stared at it blankly. "Y'up, no clue what to do with this. I'mma just go punch Miraclonizer in the face."
"M'Lady!" The compressed Chat Noir barely managed to grab her foot before she swung away. "They literally have millions of nuclear bombs."
"Ugh, fine, we'll think of a plan," she grumbled. "See? This is why I keep him around."
A sniffling then caught their attention. Just a few floors above, Doorstop floated on a doormat of darkness. The villain was crying into a tub of ice cream. "Stupid Dean, cutting me out of the Hawkmoth sponsorship deal. We always teamed up together. Always!"
A conniving grin appeared on Ladybug's face. "I have a plan."
Later:
"I love it!" Doorman hugged Doormat. "This is the greatest idea you've ever had, Carol. Using my double-cross face-turn to the dark side where I give in to my innermost desires and open the Statue of Liberty's vault in order to break into the European hero market, completely sponsored by the Ladybug Toyline? Genius!"
"Y'up," Ladybug agreed. "And we'll be there to stop you." She winked heavily. "And heroically convince you to turn back to the side of good."
Doorman squealed. "This is our ticket into the big leagues. Universal healthcare and nutella, here we come! Let's do it!" The Door Duo got into position as Ladybug and Chat Noir pretended to stream the show.
"You win, Doormat!" Doorman proclaimed, dropping to his knees. "I cannot resist any longer. The temptation is too great. I must know what lies within the vault. You win."
Doormat cackled over him. "Yes, I knew you would come around, Doorman. Now, do as your heart desires."
Like Anakin becoming Darth Vader, Doorman rose stiffly and slipped on a pair of yellow Sith Lord contact lenses. He made a very mean face as he opened an alley door and stepped through the pink portal.
At the top of Eiffel Tower:
Darth Doorman took one step and fell up to the ceiling. It took a moment to orient himself but he soon realized the monument was upside-down and surrounded by Parisians, groaning in horrible pain.
"Oh, right," Ladybug snickered when she stepped through. "Twisted into a pretzel and the city is still in ruins. Forgot. Ha!"
"LB…" Chat Noir warned.
"Right, sorry, oh no, what a calamity."
"Shush!" Doormat scolded and returned to tempting Doorman. "That's it, Doorman. Good… Good… Let your hate flow through you…"
With great dramatic flair and gesticulation, Doorman took the vault key from a hidden drawer and stepped back through the portal.
At the bottom of the Statue of Liberty:
The gang entered. Ladybug and Chat Noir immediately raced up the stairs. "'Kay, thanks for the transport, bye!" Ladybug shouted.
"Wait! Aren't you going to stop us?" Doorman called. "What about the crossover? What about our sponsorship?"
"Don't care."
Doorman and Doormat stood there, not sure what to do with their lives now that they were no longer getting paid.
"Now can I punch his face?" Ladybug asked Chat Noir as they climbed.
"He's all yours, LB."
With a crack of her knuckles, Ladybug burst through the Statue's golden torch and hit Miraclonizer so hard his beak came off!
"AH! The hell was that, bro?!" Miraclonizer cried, cradling his bruised nose. "Didn't you read my contract? No punches to the nose! Half my merchandise is my handsome nose!"
Ladybug waited for the villain to retaliate but he only continued to whine and complain about his precious nose. "Wow, American villains suck," she remarked. Then she shoved the polka-dotted keychain up Miraclonizer's nose and ripped the eagle talon necklace off his neck. In a blast of golden light, he downgraded to Techlonizer. "Oh!" She looked at the necklace again with surprise. "This was the Miraculous? Okay. Brings up many questions, but whatever. Chat, here, hold onto this." She tossed him the necklace. He missed the catch by a mile.
All three goofballs watched as the Miraculous tumbled down the side of the statue.
"Dammit, Chat!"
On the ground level:
Uncanny Valley and Sparrow arrived, ready to fight. "Alright, UV, you start taking out the missile launchers. I'll—" The Miraculous landed perfectly around her neck. "Huh? What's this?" she managed to say before Liiri appeared with a squawk.
The bird Kwami took one look at Sparrow and flirted, "Ara ara, aren't you a strapping, young man."
"Uhhhhh, I'm actually a girl," Sparrow said, uncertain of that come-hither tone.
"But she does enjoy wearing boy's underwear," Uncanny Valley added.
Liiri gasped and said hungrily, "You're… You're just like Gilbert! Except, you know, he was more into dresses and heels. Ooh, I need to know what this feels like. Quick, say, Liiri, wings of liberty! Say it! Say it!"
"Why should I say Liiri, wings of liberty? What does—" In a flourish of red, a wash of white, and burst of blue, Sparrow transformed into an eagle-themed hero, complete with rows of feathers on her arms and a sharply-beaked mask on her face. "What just happened?! Whoa! Why?" Her grey eyes snapped to a beady black and that flirty birdy's voice slithered out of her throat, "Yeah, baby, look at all those naughty fingers. Mmm, feel that breeze between the legs. Refreshing."
"Come again?" Uncanny Valley asked.
"I intend to." Jesse slapped her own face and her eyes became her naturally greys again. "What the hell is going on? Cool it, whoever you are. You hear me? Cool down!"
Cool down just so happened to be the ancient mystical pair of words needed to deactivate Miraclonizer's previous spell. All around New York City, the heroes's contracts were restored!
"Gatorade, I missed you!" Majestia sobbed, hugging her phone tighter than she had Uncanny Valley.
"Say we'll never part again, Monster Energy!" Knight Owl cried as well.
"It was so lonely without you, Xeblagooorph," sniffled the President of the United States.
Across the city:
Hawkmoth sighed heavily at the loss of his army and his defeat. The fight was over. "Well, I tried my best. Time to head on back home and—" He turned and saw the nuclear launchers still rumbling on every roof in the city. They were priming and belching smoke and beeping in a very threatening manner. "Techlonizer!" he reached out. "The detonator!"
Back at the Statue of Liberty:
Techlonizer stopped sniveling about his nose for a moment. "Oh, right, the bombs."
"The bombs?!" Ladybug shrieked.
"The bombs!" Chat Noir cried.
Every nuclear bomb in New York City launched at the same time. The starlit night sky became streaked with an incalculable amount of smoke trails. At the right angle, they spelled DOOM!
"Whoops," said Techlonizer. "I think we went a little overboard on this one, bros."
"Big Red X, we're fucked!" Ladybug ranted. "Can my Miraculous Ladybug fix a global nuclear holocaust? I don't know! I don't know what to do! The world is about to become just like Britain! What do we do?" she demanded of Chat Noir.
"Hmm, I actually do have a plan, Bugaboo."
"You do? Tell me!"
"But I'll listen to any plan you have first. Out of respect."
"I don't have a plan! Stop showing off that you learned a lesson and—"
THUNK!
Something landed by their feet. Something small, cylindrical, covered with polka-dots, and smoking from re-entry.
"Is that the dildo I threw at the moon?" Ladybug asked.
"Huh, that thing is sturdy," Chat Noir said.
"OH!" Ladybug yelped and grabbed her head. "Oh my Big Red X, I have an idea!"
"Really?" Chat Noir asked and waggled a lecherous eyebrow at the toy. "That gave you an idea?"
"Yes!"
"I like where this is going."
"It's not going that way! Hurry!" Ladybug swung away with Chat Noir hot on her heels.
In Russia:
The Kremlin was scrambling. Reports had triple confirmed that the Americans had indeed unleashed their nuclear arsenal. Russian citizens had been ordered to their fallout shelters but only a fraction would make it to safety before impact. Vladimir Putin couldn't believe he had lived to see this day.
"Is our retaliation strike ready to launch?" he asked his general.
"It is, Mr. President. China, India, and the rest of our allies all confirm they are also ready to fire upon your command."
The big red button was placed before him. Putin hesitated, he waited, hoping for the slim chance that this had been a misunderstanding, for the door to burst open with a message that the world was not about to end in hellfire and brimstone. His hand rested on the button.
He counted to three.
He counted to ten.
He whispered for forgiveness from Big Red X under his breath and pres—
The door burst open! But a messenger didn't rush in. In fact, no one could see the rest of the Kremlin on the other side. Instead, the doorway shined with a brilliant pink light.
"What the hell?!" Putin said in frussian. Then… dozens of hotdogs shot out of the pink light and into everybody's mouths! The weiners flew so fast nobody could stop from swallowing!
Almost immediately, there was a tingling sensation in their stomachs.
"Does anyone else feel… funny?" Putin asked.
"What do you mean?" asked the ostrich on the fridge.
"Whoa, my hand is so big," a general noted, examining their foot.
"Hey, you know what would be cool?" a polka-dotted stove said to Putin. He didn't know where the talking appliance or the cat-eared, black-leather-covered couch came from, but they seemed cool so he decided to hear them out. "You and all your allies should re-aim your missiles to hit the American ones in space where they'll do no damage."
"Hehehe, space, awesome," Putin agreed. "Let's do that."
Back in America:
Ladybug and Chat Noir triumphantly stepped back through the door-portal. "Mission accomplished," Ladybug announced. The United Heroes of America applauded.
"Thanks again, Doorman and Hotdog Dan," Chat Noir said, slipping the heroes a brick of gold.
"This was way more profitable than opening the vault," Doorman chuckled. "There was nothing in there but the original draft of the Declaration of Independence that guaranteed every American a free hoagie. Boring!"
"Glad my wieners could be of help," Hotdog Dan replied.
"It's just like I always say. Drugs solve everything," said Jesse.
"Y'up!" Ladybug completely agreed. "And there were absolutely no consequences."
KABOOM!
A shockwave rolled across the city and the night became as bright as day. The nuclear bombs had crashed amongst each other, just as planned. What wasn't planned was the blue sky becoming a sickening shade of puke green. Everybody gawked, unaware that the entire solar system had been sentenced to a slow painful decline into a radioactive deathzone that will eventually plunge Earth back into apocalyptic peril a hundred years from now…
"I got it," Ladybug said. She punched Techlonizer's restraints, de-evilized the butterfly that came out, and tossed her keychain in the air. "Miraculous Ladybug!" A wave of magical ladybugs washed over the entirety of New York City, undoing all the destruction the heroes had caused.
However, the sky remained not fixed.
"Oh. Well. I'm sure that's nothing to worry about." Ladybug waved off the permanent change to the world.
"But… the sky is still green," Chat Noir started to say.
"Green is nice! Moving on!"
The police arrived and took Techno-Pirate into custody. "Alright, bros, this was fun. I'll see you next month for the prison break mini-series." The villain waved a pleasant goodbye to the heroes, then asked the driver, "You'll ask for directions this time, right, Frank?"
"I'm not lost!" Frank claimed and drove straight into the Hudson.
Meanwhile, Majestia and Knight Owl faced their respective wards with stern faces. "You two disobeyed us again," Knight Owl growled, their manly voice rising with anger. "You broke rank, fought your superiors, went against the orders of your only sponsor…"
Jesse and Uncanny Valley didn't falter. They were ready to face any punishment.
"...and you saved the world," Knight Owl concluded with clear respect. Jesse was shocked to see Knight Owl remove their mask to reveal her mom underneath. The woman placed a proud hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Maybe… socialism has something to teach us after all."
"It's not socialism, mom," Jesse said. "It's just doing the right thing."
"I honestly can't tell the difference."
"Wow," Ladybug said, actually impressed by Jesse's words. "Ignoring the fact that I totally called you both being crossdressers, Jesse, I think you're, like, the first responsible person I've run into on this planet. If there's anyone who can handle a Miraculous, it's you."
That glowing endorsement filled Jesse with pride. Hand on her hips, she stood tall as the mightiest pro bono hero America had ever seen: Eagle.
"Fair warning," Ladybug added. "The Kwami is a demon, it will possess you, and you are stuck together for life."
Eagle blinked. "Wait… demon?"
Her eyes snapped to beady black and Liiri cooed, "Ooh, I'm so excited! We are going to spend every second together and do everyone."
Eagle regained control long enough to ask, "Uh, don't you mean everything?"
Liiri licked Eagle's lips. "To the brothel!" The heroine took flight and flapped toward the red light district.
"And what about me, mommy?" Uncanny Valley asked, arms spread for a hug. "Have I earned your love?"
"Ugh, fine," Majestia grumbled and awkwardly patted the robot's metal hair. "But I'm not paying for college."
With Hawkmoth:
The mastermind who had just nearly caused the end of the world for the umpteenth time and was now among the last generations of humanity to know the sky should be blue reflected on what he had learned in America.
"I may have lost the battle," he said, "but I know now that there are even more Miraculous out there and, more importantly..." Hawkmoth steepled his fingers with malice, "There is a market of villains out there searching desperately for sponsors. Who am I to deny them their chance in the limelight? After all, supervillains gotta eat too. MuahahaahahahHAAHAHAAHAH—"
"Don't jump!" a voice cried.
Hawkmoth turned and saw a crowd of worried onlookers by the roof door. "Huh?"
"Don't do it!" a policeman with a megaphone said. "It doesn't matter that you're a butterfly pervert. Don't jump."
Hawkmoth looked back and forth between the crowd and the roof's edge. "I wasn't going to—"
"NOW!"
A sniper shot Hawkmoth with a tranq dart and the man collapsed. The crowd cheered. "Another life saved by guns," the policeman said proudly. "Just as the Founding Fathers intended."
Back at the Statue of Liberty:
"Thanks for all your help," Chat Noir said to Uncanny Valley. Everyone else except Ladybug had already left. He had transformed into Astro Chat and was ready to fly back to France. "But what are you going to do now that you know my secret identity?"
This made Ladybug stiffen. "Wait, she knows your identity too?"
"Do not worry," Uncanny Valley said and entered maintenance mode with a loud hiss. "I can easily delete my memories. Just need to highlight the last several days…"
"Which means she has seen the secret identity of everyone who showed their face today," Ladybug continued thinking out loud. "So she knows… she knows…"
"Deletion complete," Uncanny Valley announced with a clang. "Now emptying trash can."
Ladybug gasped. "She knows who Hawkmoth is!"
Beep. "Hello, oddly dressed strangers. It is a pleasure to meet you for the first time."
"NO! Who is Hawkmoth?!" Ladybug demanded, shaking the robot like a rag doll. "Restore your memory! DO IT!"
"Affirmative." Another beep. "Backup OS restored, now proceeding with the conquering of the planet Earth." Uncanny Valley blasted off toward America, lasering everything in sight.
"Whoops," said Ladybug.
Later, in Times Square:
As the United Heroes of America clambered to stop Uncanny Valley's slaughter, French-American Friendship Week was in full swing. Children played soccer in the streets with balls made of hamburgers and croissants. Everytime a foul was called, the American ref shot their pistols in the air and yelled, "Yee-haw!" Ultra-artistic, black-and-white French films that no American could hope to understand played on every jumbotron. Any American who asked a French what the hell they were watching would only get a snobbish sneer and a puff of cigarette smoke in their face.
Truly, the countries had come together.
Sponsored by Epic Games.
Instead of participating in any of this, Sabrina was in tears on a street corner, unable to enjoy herself knowing that Chloe was gone for good.
"Ugh, what are you blubbering about?" bitched a voice she never expected.
"Chloe!" Sabrina squealed. She hugged her mistress tightly. "You're back! Did you escape from the police? Do we have to run from America too?"
"Not even close," Chloe bragged like it was the biggest deal. "I just showed those American idiots who was boss and they let me go."
"They did?" Sabrina asked in astonishment.
"Of course they did and I definitely didn't strike an extradition deal where my charges in Paris were dropped as long as I spied on Ladybrat and Chump Noir and reported whatever I found out about the Miraculous back to America's Department of Homeland Security. I'm not wearing a wire." Chloe winked heavily at Sabrina, jerking her chin at the hidden microphone under her blouse.
"Okay," Sabrina said, completely accepting Chloe's excuse, missing the obvious hint completely.
Nearby:
Marinette had opted to watch the Parisians struggle to rebuild Paris on her phone.
"Duuuuh, I haven't had to mix cement ever since Ladybug showed up and always fixed everything," confessed a construction worker with the grace of a caveman. "But I'm pretty sure the recipe is one part rocks, two parts super glue, with a dash of paprika."
The sight of the useless gloop being poured over the shattered sidewalks alongside the dozens of clueless repairmen banging upside down hammers brought a smile to Marinette's face. But not too big of a smile, just in case Chat Noir saw her.
"Girl, what're you doing here on your own, come on." Alya dragged her into the festivities, fist-bumping her fellow Crips and shooting stinkeyes at nearby Bloods. "We're flying back to Paris tomorrow, Marinette. Did you enjoy yourself?"
"Well, Alya, I came to this country to kill a man…" Marinette reflected.
"You what?"
"But instead I learned that as much as I want Adrien to be just a friend I can't possibly let go of him, even if I'm dating someone who loves me so much they'd gladly let me sleep with anyone. I can't change. Adrien will haunt me in my every waking hour and my every dream for the rest of my life. There is no escape and I have no problem with that, but that clearly means I have a problem with myself. I won't lie, when we get back to Paris, I'm sure I'll go right back to what I usually do, drooling over Adrien day after day while never getting any closer to telling him how I feel. Luka gave me a no-strings-attached pass and I did nothing. I couldn't even tell Adrien I loved him when a ghost threatened to kill him unless I did. He said he would drink Adrien like a soda and I just stood there like a mime. Maybe a part of me doesn't believe I'm worthy to be with him or maybe I've been chasing Adrien for so long that I'm too scared to face what would happen if he said yes. But I know how it goes with me and Adrien. I lose who I am and become part of him because in a strange way he can do what I wish I could without even trying." With solemn conviction, Marinette held the Hall Pass in the air and let a strong gust take it away.
Alya repeated the long speech in her head a few times. "So… what did you learn exactly?"
"Fuck if I know." Marinette grabbed an escargot-flavored McFlurry and watched the Hall Pass disappear amongst the fireworks in the sickly green night sky, wishing her problems could just as easily go away. She never noticed Fu and Marianne behind her, tiptoeing into a taxi and speeding off for the airport.
Back the Lafayette Center:
Ape-Man sat on his bed, as he had this entire trip. Through the open window fluttered the Hall Pass. He spotted it at the same time as Miss Mendeleiev, who had happened to be walking past his open door.
The two adults read what the paper said and looked at each other.
Miss Mendeleiev stepped into the bedroom and locked the door behind her.
THE END
EPILOGUE
Several nights later:
"And… we're officially out of money," the recently re-re-reprogrammed Uncanny Valley announced with a sad beep-boop.
"UGH!" Eagle groaned, tearing at her hair. "How come being a hero for free is so damn expensive?!"
"Predatory student loans, overpriced healthcare, poverty-level minimum wage—"
"I get it!" Eagle slumped on the roof's edge and watched the limo they had been tailing pull into the alley. From the backseat appeared a Chinese man, cooling himself with a paper fan. They were going to bust this guy but their financial crisis totally ruined the mood.
"Are you disappointed because of my rampage, Eagle?" Uncanny Valley asked. "I'm sorry, I did not want to kill all those flesh bags." Noticeable pause. "Much."
"It's not that, UV," Eagle replied, never taking her sharp eyes off the target. "I just don't know how we're supposed to keep this up on our own."
"I'm here!" a new voice cried out. The heroes whipped around to find an old Native American man catching his breath on the next highest roof. "It took forever but I have finally arrived to prevent the prophesied Doom." He showed them a blonde wig. "You must listen to me, young ones. We haven't much time before America's nuclear bombs are used to—"
"That already happened," Eagle said.
"It… it did?" The Native American man looked around. "How come the world is not destroyed?"
Uncanny Valley pointed at the green sky.
"Holy shit! How did I miss that?!" the man cried when he turned. "Oh well, green is a nice color, I guess. Anyway, now that the time of Doom has passed, the Eagle Miraculous must be returned." He opened the hand-carved wooden box, revealing many more Miraculous waiting to be used.
Eagle, her eyes beady-black, hopped into the man's arms. "Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Guy," Liiri flirted, "are you going to lock me away and throw away the key? I like that. I can be your bad girl for the right price."
The Native American man blinked. "What is happening?"
"What I think she is trying to say is," Uncanny Valley stepped in, "that instead of locking away such power, why not create a new generation of heroes with the Miraculous?"
Eagle snatched back her self-control. "She's right. We can change America."
The Native American man smiled, intrigued. "Change America you say?"
The Next Day:
"Miraculous here! Get your Miraculous here! Rent your very own Miraculous for an hour and be a real hero!" Aeon called to the passing tourists. Next to her, the Native American man spun a sign for their brand new All-American Miraculous Rental shop.
"This was not what I meant," Jesse said with a facepalm. "This was the complete opposite of what I meant!"
TRUE END
Ladybug and Chat Noir will return in You Know What, Fuck China!