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Home at Last

Everything would be fine.

Lena felt her heart skip and tears stung her eyes as she watched Kara and Alex hug. They had done it. They had found Kara and rescued her. Kara was safe.

All Lena wanted to do was rush forward, put her arms around her friend and hold her close to make sure she was not imagining this. But she could not. Watching Kara cry with relief as she also hugged Jonn, Nia and Brainy once again filled Lena with this horrible sense of guilt that she'd been pushing down ever since Lex had send Kara to the Phantom Zone. But now that they had accomplished their mission and Kara was safe, the full weight of her emotions hit Lena and she felt like she would crack under it. Suddenly, she could not breathe properly anymore and clutched her chest as she sunk back into her chair, closing her eyes and trying to regain control.

Nobody seemed to notice Lena's struggle for the sounds of conversation had not changed. And Lena was glad. She really didn't want the others to see her like this. But then someone addressed her and touched her shoulder gently.

"Lena? Are you ok?" the voice asked and when Lena opened her eyes she found that Kelly had come over and was looking at her with concern.

"Ah, yes", Lena immediately tried to reassure her, "I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all."

But Kelly didn't buy her explanation and said, "Lena, you know, I'm a licensed therapist and I know when someone is trying to hide their pain. Won't you let me help you?"

Instinct told Lena to refuse but she had learned recently that shutting herself off from others, from those who cared about her and really wanted to help her, only brought her more pain. So, she mustered all her courage and said as steadily as she could, "I feel like I can't breathe properly, Kelly. Like there is this immense weight pressing down on my chest. I feel so guilty for letting Kara face Lex alone. Had I stayed I might have been able to prevent him from sending her here and … and then she would not have had to endure all this terrible pain again."

Lena's voice was becoming more frantic as she was working herself into a panic attack but there was no stopping it. She had to get it all out.

"I always bring her pain, Kelly, whatever I do. All I ever wanted to be was good and yet, there is so much darkness in me that I cannot seem to ever control. It was so easy for me to become a villain and I almost destroyed the person that means most to me in the whole world. And although we've forgiven each other – and I'm really not sure I deserve Kara's forgiveness – I am so afraid that eventually I will hurt her again, hurt all of you again and lose the only family I've ever known and loved."

By the time Lena had finally shared all her thoughts, the panic inside her had intensified so much that her vision started to blur and, before she could say any more, she blacked out.

When Lena opened her eyes her vision was still blurry and her head was swimming. She blinked a few times and tried to remember what had happened but her memory was clouded. Everything was quiet around her. She seemed to be alone. But wait, there was a warm sensation enveloping her right hand.

"Did I injure myself?" she wondered. "Did they bandage me up?"

Slowly she turned her head to the right and finally her vision started to clear. What she saw next, made her heart beat faster and fear rose in her again.

Kara was sitting in a chair next to her bed, having fallen asleep with her head on their joined hands. There was a sunlamp above her which told Lena that Kara was still recovering. As Lena involuntarily moved her hand, Kara woke with a start.

"What?" she yelped but a moment later her tense features relaxed into a gentle smile.

"Lena", she said softly, "you're awake. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks", Lena mumbled, trying to sit up but Kara rose from her chair and gently pushed Lena back down.

"Relax, Lena, please lie back down", she said and Lena complied, feeling too weak to protest.

After a short stretch of silence, she asked, "What happened to me, Kara? I remember talking to Kelly about …" she stalled and her eyes went wide but she continued, "about all this but then everything is a blank."

Kara smiled and said softly, "You had a panic attack and blacked out, Lena."

Lena's jaw dropped as the memories came flooding back. In retrospect, it was entirely clear that she'd exhibited all the symptoms of a panic attack when she'd opened up to Kelly but somehow she hadn't seen it coming.

"Oh dear", she whispered, her hand covering her mouth, "Well, I guess I should have recognized the symptoms but…"

Kara frowned, "What do you mean 'you should have recognized the symptoms'? she asked.

Lena gave a dry chuckle and started playing with the blanket covering her. "I mean that it's not the first panic attack I've experienced. I've had quite a few in my time but usually I can control them. But this, I guess…" Her voice trailed off.

Kara waited but when Lena didn't continue and only stared into space absentmindedly she grabbed her hands and squeezed them gently, "What, Lena?"

For a moment, Lena wasn't sure she wanted or could answer Kara's question but when she once again became aware of how warm her hands felt in Kara's and how happy this made her, she decided to tell her friend the truth.

"Kara", she began and forced herself to look her friend in the eyes. "I was so scared I'd never see you again and knowing that it was my fault – again – I was just so happy that you were safe and at the same time I'm so afraid that I'll keep hurting you because of who I am and…"

But Kara cut her off, "Lena, stop, please. None of this was your fault. It was Lex. And Lex alone. You, Lena, saved me."

"But", Lena started but Kara continued, "Alex told me what you were willing to do and what you did. Without you I would have been lost and…"

Now it was Kara who was somewhat afraid of continuing but Lena prompted her, "What is it, Kara?"

"And Kelly told me what you said before you blacked out and, Lena, I promise you that you are not to blame for any of this and that you are a good person, a hero and my best friend."

And, unexpectedly but with overwhelming certainty, Lena believed Kara's words. For the first time in her life Lena was certain that someone loved her for who she was, including her past and her flaws, and that her new family would be there to support her as she navigated her new life free from the Luthor clan.

Everything would be fine.