Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians (wish I did, then I'd be a successful author instead of a wannabee writer in school) nor Taylor Swift's song, Back to December
I hope you enjoy!
I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
The shock from the past day hasn't set in yet.
Annabeth roams the aisles of the craft store in a sort of fog, her mind desperately trying to make sense of what had happened the day before. It all seems like a kind of dream-maybe she'll wake up right where she'd supposed to be and forget that it all happened.
She knows she's looking for drafting paper, for what project, she doesn't know, maybe it's the same project Percy asked her to leave for a few minutes that set everything off, or maybe it's something different, she wouldn't know…
And as for why she decided to come here now, of all times, also remains a mystery to her mind. But her rational side still works, and coming here just to leave without getting what she needs would just be a waste of time.
She rounds the corner, scanning for the paper she needs so she can leave the store quickly, get back to her cabin, get back somewhere she can be alone...
But she hasn't taken more than three steps into the aisle before a familiar black-haired boy comes into her sight.
She freezes.
Because what are the odds that he'd have to be right in the store that she's in at the exact same time?
She starts to back away, hoping to disappear before he sees her. He's talking to someone over his shoulder, probably Paul or Sally, and he doesn't turn around until she's almost out of sight.
Then he spins around and spots her.
Annabeth winces as a spasm of pain flickers across his face when he sees her, but she knows she deserves it.
"Annabeth?" he whispers.
You've been good, busier than ever.
We small-talk, work and the weather.
Your guard is up and I know why.
"Um...hey." she says awkwardly. It's too early, way too early for this.
"Hey back."
"How...how's Estelle?" She hates this small talk, hates it because conversation used to flow so easily between them and now she's just grasping at straws for things to say. Could one day really change everything between them?
"She's fine…" He smiles slightly. "How's camp?"
"Good." she answers. "Everyone's wondering when you'll be back. Clarisse ran sword-fighting this morning...kind of a recipe for disaster."
He smiles weakly. "Yeah, I could see that."
When are you going to come back? she wants to ask, but she can't force the words out of her mouth.
He shuffles his feet as well, not knowing what to say. He's being cautious, staying to safe topics, and she can't blame him, because she knows why.
Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
The week before the fight had been...a bad week for both of them-well, it had started out as a bad week for him. The weather was just getting chilly, a sort of gloom setting over the camp as the first winter winds blew in. And when one of them had a bad week, so did the other.
Of course she'd been there for him, because she always would be when he needed her.
But her guilt, her overwhelming guilt was killing her on the inside.
It was the smallest things that hit the hardest-when Percy froze for a split second when Mrs. O'Leary came bounding towards him, like he thought she was one of the hellhounds they had faced in Tartarus, or when he burned his entire meal one day with a muttered, "Can't eat,".
During the week, she'd focused completely on being there for Percy whenever he needed someone to support him, and so her thoughts were pushed to the side.
But the day he felt better he'd come and given her a huge hug and whispered thank you into her ear, "Thank you for helping me this week," and that had almost ripped her apart because it was her fault he'd had that horrible week, and had fallen into Tartarus in the first place!
The nightmares that night had been so bad and he'd just held her close, but he'd already done so much for her, so much she didn't deserve and he just kept doing stuff for her, stuff she didn't deserve!
She'd avoided him the next day, retreating to her cabin and away from everything.
She found herself scratching furiously at a temple she was designing, anything to keep her mind busy, because if she even tried to come to terms with her emotions she shattered and she definitely couldn't deal with thinking about that.
She heard the cabin door open, but didn't look back. The only thing in her sibling's eyes was pity, and that was something she really, really didn't need.
"Annabeth." Percy's voice whispered from behind her.
She froze.
"Annabeth." he repeated quietly. "You've been working here for hours. You came here before breakfast and haven't left since, and it's almost dinnertime now. You need to take a break."
She almost growled out loud. I can take care of myself! she wanted to scream, but with a jolt she realized how hungry she was feeling.
"Could you at least talk to me?" he asked, moving slowly towards her. When she didn't respond, he sighed, and gently worked her stiff fingers off the pencil, pushing the papers away from her.
"You need to come outside." he said softly. "I'm not saying you need to talk to anyone else, or even me. Just come outside. Please."
"I'm fine." she snapped. Her voice was hoarse and cracked from disuse, but she was hoping it was enough to make him leave.
He didn't, of course.
"Annabeth-" he started.
"I'm fine!" she exclaimed, her voice half shout, half snarl. She leapt up from the chair, jerking away from him. "Okay?"
But he knew her too well to be convinced. "You are not fine right now, Annabeth," he started. His voice was still even and open, but she just couldn't deal with that right then.
"Yes, I am, so please stop worrying about me-"
"I can tell something's wrong, Annabeth!" The first traces of anger had finally crept into his voice. "I know you're hurting, and I know it's something we need to talk out, nothing is going to get better like this, and if you keep ignoring me-" He was pleading with her, almost begging her, and she later she'd realize that he was asking for her help just as much as he was offering her his but at the moment she just couldn't see that.
"We need to talk through this, Annabeth." he finished. He tried to sound firm, but his voice cracked at the end. Still, he didn't turn away.
"But I can't, Percy!" she exploded, "I can't deal with this all right now!" Because if she did, she'd lose herself in her own mind and was so afraid of what would happen if she did.
"We can work through it together." he whispered, reaching for her hand, but she pulled away from him.
She'd actually pulled away from him.
And gods, she could never, ever forget the look on his face right then.
"Annabeth, please." he finally whispered brokenly, a kind of last try, a last plea. "I hate seeing you like this. Please tell me."
That almost broke her resolve, but she had to get him to understand, because her guilt was going to break both of them and she wasn't going to pull him under with her.
And so she whispered the one thing she knew would make him go away.
"This isn't something we can work out together, Percy." she choked out. "You can't help me with this."
Those were probably the hardest words she'd ever said in her life; her throat closed up and she hated herself the moment she said them.
She heard his sharp intake of breath, like she'd punched him in the gut.
"Annabeth-" he whispered, his voice so vulnerable...
"Just-just go, Percy." She raised her eyes to his face, and if she'd thought the look on his face when she flinched away from his hand was bad it had nothing, nothing, on the look on his face now.
"I'm sorry, Annabeth." he choked, before seeming to stumble out of the room.
The door closed behind him and then...he was gone.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
"Well," Percy says, cutting into her train of thought and looking around. "I'm just...going to go…"
He starts moving away from her.
"Wait, Percy!" Annabeth calls, her voice cracking slightly. He turns around, titling his head slightly, like he always used to do when they were working on anything together. That little gesture's almost enough to make her break down because that was something she loved-still loves about him.
"Percy…" she starts, but then pauses, because she doesn't know how to say what seems so clear in her mind in words. "Percy, I…" But before she can say anything else a voice calls out,
"You ready, Perce?"
Annabeth looks back to see Paul with a cart full of groceries.
"One second!" he calls back. He turns to Annabeth. "You were saying…?"
Yes, I was saying that I love you and I'm so incredibly stupid for telling you to go away, please come back…
But she hears herself say, "No, it was nothing…" It sounds like an excuse even to her ears.
And of course he still knows her better than anyone so of course he's not fooled, but he doesn't press her, instead just says,
"Then...I guess I got to go." He smiles a little sadly. "I'll...see you around, Annabeth.
For the second time that week, Annabeth lets Percy walk off.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
Annabeth manages to hold back her tears until she gets back to camp.
She collapses into his cabin and onto his bed in the Poseidon cabin, and maybe someone sees her go in but she doesn't care and anyways no one stops her. The sheets smell like him, or maybe he smells like the cabin but either way for a few minutes she can pretend that she's with him again, that they're together and maybe they're laughing about some ridiculous joke, or simply sitting next to each other, their fingers just touching over the table, brushing together and seeming to say, "We're going to be okay, because I'm here, and you're here, and we're together and we're going to be okay."
She holds those memories close, because that's all she's got left now.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright.
I go back to December all the time.
The minute she told him to leave she'd broken completely, and it was only then she realized he was the only person keeping her together, and that she was probably the only person keeping him together as well. And it was only then she realized that he'd needed to talk to her as much as she had needed to talk to him, and she'd rejected him when he'd been asking-almost pleading for her help.
She collapsed the moment the door swung shut after him that day, punching at the walls and the bed and everything she could reach, cursing the Fates for taking him away from her and the gods for every foul thing they had thrown at them but most of all herself for making him leave even when he'd asked to stay.
She ran to his cabin immediately, hoping desperately that he'd be there and she could make things right, but he wasn't, he'd left, he was gone, and at that moment she'd known that he was gone and he wasn't coming back.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
The nightmares are so much worse without him, so bad that she can't sleep for one minute, and so she lays awake at night, his face when she told him to leave playing in her head over and over and over and over again until all she wants to do is scream.
Her younger siblings just stare at her and her older siblings look at her with this intense pity in their eyes that Annabeth cannot stand, so most nights she ends up in the Poseidon cabin, falling asleep only when the sun's rays begin to peek over the horizon and waking up screaming an hour or two later, tears tracks dried across her face.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
She's wanted to call him many times, and she's found herself in front of a phone almost everyday, her fingers hovering over the numbers because should she? Should she not? Does she want him to answer? Does she want to talk to him? Most importantly, does he want to talk to her?
She knows the answer to half of them: of course she should call him, of course she wants him to answer and talk to him, but...does he want to talk to her?
And everyday she almost convinces herself he does, that he does want to talk to her, and that she should call him...
But everyday she leaves the phone without calling.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
And realized I loved you in the fall.
She can feel his absence like a physical ache, deep inside her gut and her heart. And it just gets so much worse when she remembers all their memories, her and Percy at Paris for their one month anniversary, that one underwater dinner in the air bubble he'd arranged at one point, when she'd surprised him with that little gazebo she'd designed and blue cookies from Sally…
The way his laugh sounded in the wind, the way he'd absentmindedly wind his pinky around hers sometimes, him playing with her hair in the mornings, falling asleep together after Tartarus, side by side, knowing they were completely safe with the other…
And when he'd disappeared for eight months, when she stepped off the Argo II and into his arms, the same moment she realized she loved him, when she learned the only thing he remembered at the Roman camp had been her, when he'd said he'd planned a future for them…
And she's loved him so much, gods, she still loves him more than she knows, so much it hurts, and she's the one who's gone and snatched it all away from them.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
They'd tried so hard after Tartarus to look normal, they really had, they'd tried so hard to look put together, only broken down in front of the other, and they'd worked through it together at the beginning, they'd really begun to heal…
And then the stupid fear crept into her mind, even as all he kept doing was holding her close. She didn't know where the fear had come from, since it certainly hadn't come from something he'd done, and it all ended up with her "Just go, Percy."
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
The next time Annabeth finds herself in front of the phone, she makes herself dial his number, and before she knows it, the phone's ringing and she's praying, praying that he'll pick up but praying at the same time that he won't because what's she going to say to him?
But the line keeps ringing and ringing and ringing and soon an automated voice is asking her to leave a voicemail.
Should she? Should she not?
"Um...hey, Percy." she starts off. Her voice is hoarse; she hasn't spoken much since their big fight. "I…" She pauses, not knowing what to say. "I miss you." she finally says. "Gods, Percy, I miss you so much. I'm sorry for what I said, that's what I tried to tell you at the crafts store so this is me telling you that, I'm sorry, Percy, what I said was stupid, I didn't mean it, I'm so, so sorry…" Her voice trails off weakly. "I lo-" But before she can finish a cool female voice cuts her off, asking her if she's satisfied with the voicemail.
Annabeth deletes the voicemail before she can send it.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.
Time passes, and yet it seems like Percy's guilt-stricken, misery-filled face will never leave her mind. Two hours feel like two days, two days feel like two months until Annabeth has no idea how much time has passed at all.
So her days are filled with wishing, wishing that he'll come back to her, wishing she could go back and change what she'd said, wishing, wishing, wishing...
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile.
So good to me, so right.
She remembers the dozens of time they sat up in his apartment, or at the beach or in his cabin, laughing about the silliest things, the way his smile looked in the morning, the day, the night, the way their hands fit together like puzzle pieces, the way his hair tickled her face when they sat together, together, together, together...
And how you held me in your arms that September night:
The first time you ever saw me cry.
The flashbacks are so much worse without him.
Now, it's like everything reminds her of something from there. The food at dinner-what they ate at the rest stop with Bob. The way the fire feels on her skin at camp-the way Tartarus's air felt on her down there.
And when she breaks down, Percy's not here anymore to wrap his arms around her, to murmur soft words of encouragement into her ear, to help her out of her own mind and to tell her simply, "I'm here," because he's not here anymore and she's the one who made him go away.
She remembers him holding her close as her body shakes from suppressed screams, him wiping the tears gently away from under her eyes when she cries, him smiling crookedly at her when she finally feels better, and those memories just make it so much worse when he's not there anymore.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
All she wants at that point is just to see him again, to tell him how sorry she is. She's made the stupidest mistake of her life and she swears she'll never make it again. She'd thought her biggest mistake was dragging Percy into Hell with her but now she knows having him away from her is a billion times worse.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
The person who said that time heals all wounds was dead wrong because every day feels like another knife shoved into her heart. But he hasn't called, and he won't, because he probably doesn't want her around anymore.
So she won't call him either, because isn't that better for him?
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December.
Then one day she gets a voicemail from him.
She nearly drops the phone in shock, but manages to hold onto it.
"Hey, Annabeth." He sounds awkward, but it's his voice and that's all that matters. She's still shocked, but by then she's realized that maybe all she needed to do was reach out, maybe he's feeling just as broken as her and maybe all someone needed to do was take the first step. "Um...gods." he says with a small laugh. "I guess...well, Annabeth." He pauses, then continues,
"Annabeth, I...I miss you. I miss you a lot, and if…" He mutters something she can't quite understand before continuing. "Is there any chance you could call me back? And...and we can meet somewhere? Talk this out? Because if this...this really is…" He pauses, and Annabeth thinks she can hear his breath choke at those words, but she could just be imagining it..."Well, I just really, really need to talk to you."
She calls his number so quickly her fingers seem to be flying over the phone, and she's praying, praying, praying that he'll pick up…
The phone rings once, twice, three times and she's giving up hope that he'll pick up when- "Hello?"
It's funny, even after they're not together anymore and she has no idea what their future will be. the sound of his voice makes her feel like she's going to be okay again like nothing else can.
"Hello?" he says again, cutting off her train of thought. "Listen, if you're selling something-"
"No, Percy, it's...it's me." Annabeth says quickly, and she hears his breath catch behind the phone.
"Annabeth?" he whispers. "You...really called back?"
"Well, yeah." she says, slightly confused. "Was I supposed to ignore it?"
"I was almost expecting you to." he admits softly.
Did he...really think that? "You...you wanted to meet?"
"If you want to," he says automatically. "I think it would be a good idea to...talk...well, whatever this is out."
"Percy." Annabeth interrupts. "What do you think?"
"I already told you. Besides, you're the genius here."
"Haven't been all that smart lately." she mutters, and she hears him go quiet. "Um...where do you want to meet?"
"The café fifteen minutes away from camp? Tomorrow at 11:00?" he suggests.
Annabeth's breath catches. Their last date before the fight had been in that cafe...it was actually one of their favorite spots to go to.
"Okay." she agrees faintly.
"See you then, Annabeth."
And the line cuts off.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
"Piper, we're just meeting. It's not...anything big."
Piper raises an eyebrow over the IM. "This is Percy, Annabeth. He's crazy about you, and one fight won't change that. He fell into-"
"Don't remind me." Annabeth mutters.
"All I'm saying, Annabeth, is that he doesn't hate you, and he never could. So...be yourself, because that's who he loves."
Annabeth sighs. "Okay, Pipes. Thanks."
"Anytime."
Annabeth breaks off the IM, not feeling much pacified from her talk with Piper.
And all too soon, it's 11:00 and Annabeth's somehow finding her way to the café.
When she enters she sees Percy right away, sitting at their old usual table, his eyes sweeping the cafe. With a jolt she realizes that his eyes have huge bags under them also, and the red rims around them match hers.
He...hasn't been doing great either, Annabeth realizes.
And then his eyes fall onto her and for the first time in over a week she's looking into his eyes again…
She reaches the table, and she's not exactly sure what to do-say hi? Shake his hand? A hug? He looks just as awkward as she does, so at least she's got someone to suffer with.
Ha.
She settles for sitting down in the chair and busying herself in organizing the salt and pepper shakers. He shakes his head, but his lips quirk upwards into a small smile.
The awkwardness between them is palpable-it literally seems to radiate off them in visible waves. Annabeth idly wonders how those around them can just keep chatting like nothing's going on, because it just keeps building and building and building until she just can't stand it anymore and she does something that surprises her completely as well-the next thing she knows she's doubled over, gasping for air in a laughing fit, and the affronted and confused look on Percy's face really doesn't help.
"What are you laughing at?" he asks, sounding slightly offended.
"Oh, gods, Percy, I'm sorry…" Annabeth gasps between laughs. "But it's like...what are we doing here? We can't even talk to each other anymore? What even is this?"
Percy's face creases over. "Where did this start, Annabeth?" he asks quietly. "Something was bothering you that...that week, you weren't telling me what it was…" He sighs. "Will you tell me now?"
Annabeth hesitates, because should she tell him? Wasn't the whole point of this...no. The whole point of this is to try to work out the knot between them. And so she has to tell him.
"I...I was feeling guilty." she admitted quietly.
"What?" Because whatever he'd been expecting, it hadn't seemed to have been that. "Annabeth, what on earth could you have to feel guilty about-"
"I dragged you into Tartarus, Percy!" Annabeth's voice cracks on the last word, and she feels a tear snake out of her eye but she wipes it away quickly. "I dragged you into Tartarus and it's my fault you're having all of these-these problems now! And you've done so much for me, and you keep doing more…" She breaks off, stifling a sob; the last thing she wants is to break down in a public cafe.
He looks stunned. "Annabeth…" he whispers, "Gods..." He closes his eyes, seems to strengthen his resolve, then opens his eyes and breathes,
"I chose to follow you there, Annabeth."
"Maybe you shouldn't have." she whispers wretchedly.
He stiffens. "Don't-don't say that. Annabeth, I've told you this before, but please believe me this time, I need you to understand this." His eyes are locked on hers. "No matter what you told me, no matter if you told me we'd die the second we fell I'd still have followed you." He reaches across the table and takes her hands, which is surprising but feels so right at the same time, and she feels the knot in her chest loosen at his words. "I don't know what I did to make you feel this way, but whatever it is I'm sor-"
"And this too, Percy!" Annabeth bursts out. "Please, please stop apologizing for stuff that isn't your fault, I was stupid for feeling guilty about all of this, I see it now and I've seen it all week, but then you go and apologize, and there's no way even vaguely that it's your fault!" She's crying openly by now, tears running down her face and the people around them are staring but she's beyond the point of caring and then-he's suddenly next to her, putting a gentle arm around her waist and helping her up, whispering sweet nothings into her hair, and for a moment it feels like nothing has changed.
And then they're outside, he's still holding onto her, and she suddenly realizes he's leaning on her just as much as she's leaning on him.
But she shrugs out of his arm. "You shouldn't have to take care of me all the time." she whispers.
"Annabeth, stop right there." Percy says firmly. "You know you'd do the same for me. That week before the fight? You were there for me the entire time. This isn't one sided. You can need me sometimes, and I can need you sometimes."
Her first instinct is to say that she doesn't need him, but hasn't the last week just proved that she does? And more than that, she knows how hard it is for Percy to admit that, just as hard as it is for her, maybe harder. They'd crossed boundaries no one had ever crossed before, and so of course their circumstances would be different.
"I'm sorry for this week." she finally whispers, a long overdue apology. "I'm sorry I told you to go away and I'm sorry I took my frustration out on you, Percy. It was stupid, and I'm sorry, and I love you so much, Percy."
His smile nearly splits his face. "I'm sorry too, for apologizing so much." His smile turns mischievous, but his face is serious at the same time. "I love you, Annabeth."
She sighs, half from happiness and half from relief, and leans into him, finally feeling the stress and bitterness and hopelessness of the past week disappear.
He absentmindedly winds his pinky in hers. "We'll work on it. Talk through it together. After all," he says with a small grin on his face. "I already told you that you can't get away from me that easily."
Annabeth laces her fingers through his, and when he squeezes her hand, she knows they're going to be okay. "Together." she agrees. "No matter what."
I go back to December all the time.
All the time.
So...that's it! I hope I broke some feels today *evil grin* But seriously, I hope you liked it. Please review! Feedback is always appreciated, even if it's just a smiley. Constructive criticism is welcomed, flames are not, thank you!
Character of the week: Hermione Granger!
See ya next time! Bye!